Mom trying to plan a trip with resistant teens

As a HS coach myself, with a HS athlete of my own (also captain), I can see both sides. My son is a year-round swimmer and I coach in fall/winter. I plan all of our vacations during a 2 week "no swimming" window in August. That's just us and the way our family does things. But, not everyone is like us.

I get that some people don't/can't vacation at other times for various reasons. Do I wish that they would re-arrange everything around my schedule? Sure! But, life just isn't like that.

Therefore, during Xmas break, I understand that some of my kids may have family obligations (some with divorce situations, sick family members, etc). While, of course, I want them at every single practice I've learned that the "Draconian" (as someone so aptly put it) way isn't necessarily the best. I tell them that my expectation is that they are there, but if there are family obligations, to let me know well ahead of time. No one has ever, that I know of, abused that. And, life moves on.

So, I create some flexibility during Xmas break. February? Uh...no. No flexibility. And, my team knows that right from the start....and they understand the consequences.

It sounds like this has been the norm - a trip for you - during this time, and the coach may already be expecting it. If he goes on the trip, let him have that conversation with the coach. I always react more favorably to early and face to face communication :). If the coach has rules/ramifications for missing practice and he still goes on the cruise, then so be it.

If he doesn't go, I'd also let the coach know yourself that he'll be "on his own" and who he's staying with. It's always good to have another set of eyes looking out for our kids :).

Either way, I applaud his dedication to the sport, and taking his role as captain so seriously. I wish all kids had that sense of commitment. I hope you have a great vacation, and that all works out well :)

Wow I really didn't think I would get a response.Glad to see I/we are not alone in this work/play balance. I appreciate all of your answers and am leaning toward going without him and leaving him with supervision of his Aunt. Thanks for debating this over with me! CC is the best!

 

Four bowl game watches, three conference championship rings... all locked in the safe. I can see every game like it was yesterday.

 

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And I can't remember many details of my senior year back in 1967 -1968. I can remember the name of the school, but not much more than that.

I did graduate with honors and a New York State Regents Scholarship, and went to Cooper Union in September of 68. But my senior H.S. year is just a hazy blur.

My only comment would be that although this is a tough situation I think you should set him down and carefully explain why you think this is important, then let him make up his own mind. Sadly our children must start making decisions for themselves and sometimes even mistakes for themselves. It is tough to see them grow and become comfortable away from us, but isn't that ultimately what we want for them? Whatever is decided I don't believe missing one cruise when you have obviously tried so hard to create a healthy family will destroy that.

Some back ground on my family. I have 2 kids. DS(22) just graduated from college and moved 16 hours away to North Dakota for his first job post college in his field of study. DD(19) is starting her sophomore year at college. We sailed with them 11 times from the ages of 4 and 7 until their last one this past May. When DS was in 7th grade we went on a cruise during their Thanksgiving Break. It was his first year in organized school sports in basketball. I had booked the cruise before the school year had even started, before he even made the basketball team. The timing meant they would miss 2 days of school and as we later found out he would miss 2 practices and a scrimmage. He was on the starting line up before we left. He was penalized for missing those days for 2 weeks having to sit on the bench when we returned. DS requested that we try not schedule anymore vacations during his sports seasons (soccer and basketball) just like we avoided his sisters dance season. DD was a competition dancer from the time she was 7. When she was accepted on the teams we agreed that she would not miss practices or competitions. The dance season went from Sept-June with school holiday breaks and mandatory technique classes off and on during the summer. It became extremely tough to schedule vacations but we always managed to find one week that worked for all of us without interfering with sports and work schedules....but I did honor their commitments and worked around their schedules. Instead of a week long vacation during Thanksgiving and Christmas which always fell in Basketball season, we would take an overnight trip (or a couple nights if we could fit it) to Detroit or Chicago and see the Pistons or Redwings or the Nutcracker. Things we could do close by as a family and not interfere with basketball.

If I were in your shoes, I would help him honor his commitments as the team captain (my son was captain of his soccer team his senior year and I now how important it was to him to show his leadership that year) and plan a great Christmas at home with the family for this year. You have years to plan more cruises at times that work for all of you. Even after they graduate and move away. I am in the process of planning a family vacation for all of us for next May. Both my kids plan on being there. Our family values we tried to reinforce as they were growing up was being there for each other. That meant staying home on Thanksgiving or Christmas Break for DS's Basketball and going as a family to Toledo for DD's Dance Nationals and when we could fit it going on a cruise/land vacation together as a family.

I think competitive team sports are a great way for kids to learn team work, work ethics and balancing family. I see the results of that in my kids in both their work ethics and the commitment they have to family. Your son is asking you to let him honor his commitment as the team captain. I suggest a compromise this year. Celebrate Christmas at home, do things on nights he has off as a family, and while everyone is home plan a cruise vacation at a time that works for everyone next year. Good luck in your decision making process.

Been a band parent for 9 years with 5 kids and it seems to rule over most every vacation decision we make. We wanted to do a January cruise in2017 for xmas and because our last 2 are seniors this year my wife said there would be no option keeping them out of school for any time this school year. We have opted for our own cruise and they will stay home.

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I am not assuming the worst from the kid. OP already stated she suspected his staying home was at least in part due to a girl, I'm sure being his Mom she would be the best person to know his reasons, not the posters here. My reply was based strictly on the limited information the OP provided. Seems like a lot of people are reading what they want to read into the what the OP has posted based on their own children or themselves. You have no idea even what sport is involved or how long her child has played or anything and you have this kid totally obsessed and a top athlete who eats and breaths the sport and her whole family should change their life to fit around his schedule. Next thing you know he'll be training for the Olympics lol

I left my son at home at 17 while Dh and our other kids went to FL for 3 weeks. He had to work so he stayed home and kept an eye on the house and the dog for us. I trusted him not to have a party or anyone over while we were gone so no I don't assume the worst from kids. But I also would not have left the country while my 17yr old was home alone either. As it was I could be home in less than 24hrs in the event of an emergency and my parents lived less than 10 miles away if needed.

That doesn't mean I would leave every child home alone at that age. My next oldest, there was no way I would have left him home at 17 or even 18 while we were out of town. He wasn't responsible enough. Every child is different and no one knows their child better than their parent and I'm sure OP will make the right decision for their family.

I am not assuming the worst from the kid. OP already stated she suspected his staying home was at least in part due to a girl, I'm sure being his Mom she would be the best person to know his reasons, not the posters here. My reply was based strictly on the limited information the OP provided. Seems like a lot of people are reading what they want to read into the what the OP has posted based on their own children or themselves. You have no idea even what sport is involved or how long her child has played or anything and you have this kid totally obsessed and a top athlete who eats and breaths the sport and her whole family should change their life to fit around his schedule. Next thing you know he'll be training for the Olympics lol

 

I left my son at home at 17 while Dh and our other kids went to FL for 3 weeks. He had to work so he stayed home and kept an eye on the house and the dog for us. I trusted him not to have a party or anyone over while we were gone so no I don't assume the worst from kids. But I also would not have left the country while my 17yr old was home alone either. As it was I could be home in less than 24hrs in the event of an emergency and my parents lived less than 10 miles away if needed.

 

That doesn't mean I would leave every child home alone at that age. My next oldest, there was no way I would have left him home at 17 or even 18 while we were out of town. He wasn't responsible enough. Every child is different and no one knows their child better than their parent and I'm sure OP will make the right decision for their family.

Actually I saw a lot of people relating to the OP as parents of teens who were in competitive sports. OP asked for advise from parents who were in similar situations...no one was reading into what OP said, they were answering her question based on their experience. Which is what she asked for. No said anything about changing their life to fit his schedule. I did suggest changing this vacation during his "senior" year where he is "captain" of whatever team he is playing on. Changing one vacation is not suggesting they change their life. Sounds like OP is leaning towards letting her son stay home with an Aunt. Also a good compromise which was suggested on here by other parents...again not changing their life, just changing how they handled this one vacation.

I do agree all kids are different. We left our kids home alone to go on some adult cruises/vacations starting when DS was 19 and DD was 16. Could we have left them earlier? Probably but I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving them home alone before one of them was legally an adult and could be legally responsible if an emergency happened while we were gone. It had nothing to do with trust and everything to do with my piece of mind. We did however leave them with my Aunt and Uncle or friends a few times when they were younger for some adult vacations. While we did have at least one family vacation a year, we also found it healthy for our relationship to have some couple time too....we usually took those vacations during the times the kids had other commitments but whoever was watching them could get them to where ever they needed to be. Win win for all of us.

This entire thread should be shown to everyone who posts "I would never sail in the summer when all the kids are out of school, what did you expect" and "it's your fault for sailing during hurricane season."

We have no choice!

The only time most parents of kids in junior high and older can safely schedule a cruise is during the summer.

To all the parents: This issue will eventually happen. Senior in HS, college, or something else. Maybe for a new job. Doesn't really matter, since it will happen. 3 kids, and maybe one just does not like going on a cruise?

So it's time to let go sometimes, and let them spread their wings, even if you are disappointed.

We had a similar situation many years ago when I was a kid. My older brother was a very accomplished baseball player and qualified for some tournaments at the same time as a family trip to Guatemala was scheduled. We were not a wealthy family so this trip was a huge deal and was partly paid for by the family of an exchange we had a few years prior. Needless to say it would have been very disrespectful for my brother to not show up. He ended up playing in his tournament and then flying on his own to meet us although he was in his early teens. The airlines did and still do a great job with this sort of thing.

I respect that your son takes his team and school activities seriously but maybe there are options that satisfy both. As a parent now I would not allow one member of the family to cancel or change an annual trip for the entire group. My youngest daughter chose a school trip to NYC over a cruise with the rest of the family a couple of years ago and all is well. She was surprised we went without her instead of rebooking (and was angry for quite a while) but as she is growing up she now gets it.

Good luck with this and I wish you well. Better to have this type of problem than the inability to cruise or vacation at all :)

You can read this thread and tell who has been part of competitive team sports and who hasn't.

I played football, hockey & tennis through my scholastic career. I was the captain of my hockey and tennis teams in my senior years.

Unless said "competitive team sports" involves $ in the form of paying to play/paying as a result from success in a tournament (that conflicts at the time of the vacation) or a considerable college scholarships, missed practices aren't a concern.

As for a position within the team being competitive, as captain the position should be pretty well set. If it is not, then is there really any reason to have any fealty to a team that has no fealty?

As the OP didn't mention a tourney and scholarships are already handled by that point in the year, it is plainly obvious the GF is the concern and the sports angle is just that... an angle.

OP remind your son that soon enough the GF will be gone and if she is so controlling that she is pressuring him to not go, the yoke of misery she truly is will not be missed.

You're the mom...he is only 17. If you want him to go, make him go. However, I would not make him go. Pretty soon he will have to make major life choices on his own. Why not let him start making some smaller one on his own? If you force him to go, he'll probably be miserable and your family time won't be as great as you want it to be.

Maybe this will make you feel better- I'm 28 and still have plenty of family time with my parent...especially my mom.

Add my 2 cents.

Can he stay home on his own while the rest of you go? If not alone perhaps with a trusted relative? There is no reason you should ALL miss out!

If the concern regarding missing practice is about a physical fitness for himself there are gyms and facilities on board that he can use. So there is no reason he can't keep up his practice.

If he is concerned he will miss out on something "as the captain" than it is more of a social responsibilities. Have him survey his team mates to see who will actually be around. He may find that in fact several of his team mates will be out of town also.

Heck If he's a senior this might be the perfect time for him to start "passing the torch" and letting a younger team mate take over leading practices for a few days. They can even video tape it for him. It would be a fantastic chance for him to see what his team is made of while he's away!

Best of luck!

It's hard to do "family" things when the kids are becoming adults. This is the time kids are "trying their wings"...and that's a GOOD thing! We simply never attempted a mass family thing when the kids had so much going on....

You can read this thread and tell who has been part of competitive team sports and who hasn't.

Yes!

We raised a sports team captain, a State champion fencer (now age 23), and taking her away from her team over winter breaks, when practice happened daily, was simply unthinkable. Her coaches would have thought we had lost our minds.

As the parent of a (now former) student athlete who was strong academically too, the threat to these kids about being benched from a game (or games) for missing practices upon return from a trip is real. However that was a risk my daughter was willing to take to go on a trip. We have very limited time with our kids as they grow up and get their own lives. I was not willing to let small school sports run my family life over scheduled breaks because the school had meaningless tournaments for a local trophy and a picture in the newspaper. It is quite unfortunate that schools do this over the holidays as people typically visit family from far away. We all don't live within driving distance any more.

My position was that we were willing to accept the consequences for a trip and missing practice--such as being benched for 1 or 2 games upon return. The tourneys that were scheduled during this time period were not regular conference games but done for the school and yes--we went on a trip and yes--she was benched upon return and she sat right next to the coach and discussed the fun things she did while she was out.

Now to be totally fair, I gave up summers except for "Sports Moratorium Week" and Fall Break for both of my kids entire HS time. There were no substitutes in her sport (cheerleading--and these girls were good and won the State title in their division here 3 years in a row.) My son ran track which fortunately ramped up practices after Spring Break, but one year his relay team was really good and the season extended after school ended but he did get a school record out of it.

This is but a minor bump in the road and family is always going to come first. I would not leave the kid home by himself if he wanted to stay and you need to consider the big picture. Is your kid good enough to be recruited for college or is this 'pay to play' sports like AAU or All Star? Are there scholarships on the line? We did not have sports scholarships with either of our kids but it is a reality for many people. When we did 'pay to play' we followed their rules for the most part. However for high school I did assume the risk for missing a practice or game. Once I put her on an airplane at 10am and she was putting on a uniform in the car while her dad drove her to a 2pm bus time for an away game.

So weigh everything and if your kid is very good and taking him on a trip can impact his ability to be recruited, then the big picture is more important than the cruise. But if this is just practice, i'd say he's doing the trip.

Good luck. It is not easy. He'll be gone soon enough and this might be your last family event.

His senior commitments COULD cancel out HIS vacation. They shouldn't cancel the entire family's. Let him stay home.

And FTR I agree with those who think it's absolutely ridiculous the way extra-curricular activities have taken over free time. Practices scheduled over Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks should be optional, not required to stay on the team.

We went through this with my sons as well. Both in sports, the youngest now pitching in college. If we cruised, he chose to stay at home if he was training or in season and we respected that. His goal was to pitch in college and that was his priority vs a family cruise and we respected that. .

If he does end up planning to stay at home while you cruise I'd make arrangements for him to stay with the family of a team mate while you're gone. The allure of staying "home alone and doing whatever I want" may be part of what he's thinking in not wanting to accompany you. That's a big draw for a HS aged kid no matter how well they've been raised.:D

Book the cruise - you can't ever get back family time. I had a resistant HS senior who had a blast. He ended up being best friends with three 60 year old couples that were our table mates. He was fine once he was onboard. As a parent of 6, I can tell you that time flies and getting them gets harder and harder. Whoever thought a cruise would be unusual punishment?

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yes!

 

We raised a sports team captain, a state champion fencer (now age 23), and taking her away from her team over winter breaks, when practice happened daily, was simply unthinkable. Her coaches would have thought we had lost our minds.

^^this^^

I have a friend who turned 50 a few months ago....her husband dropped dead of a heart attack 5 years ago. They have two beautiful sons, 16 and 14. She just went into hospice last night.

FWIW.

Sorry to be a downer.....

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I have a friend who turned 50 a few months ago....her husband dropped dead of a heart attack 5 years ago. They have two beautiful sons, 16 and 14. She just went into hospice last night.

 

FWIW.

 

Sorry to be a downer.....

 

 

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Oh I'm so sorry.

Our second cruise we planned for the week after thanksgiving. No problem. Sons in 9th and 10th grade.

Their high school had won state for 2 years in a row. Guess what happened? They went to state again. To be played the last day of our cruise.

My sons choose to cruise. We listened to the semi final game in Florida. How we found out who they were to play the following week.

Funny thing as we entered the pre cruise hotel we ran into a young man from the team we ended up playing for state championship.

On the last night of the cruise the 2 dads got onto the internet to see which team won. We did.

Our sons never hesitated thank goodness. They wanted the cruise. Of course it was -12 degrees the day of the game.

They went on to win 3 more state championships for 6 in a row.

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I would give him 2 choices. 1 you go on the cruise with us or 2. you make your whole family miss their vacation so you dont have to miss 4.5 hours of practice. but if you choose choice #2 then you will spend every other minute with the family. no cell no internet. no friends, no girl. we will have a cruise to our living room. and since mom would be on vacation and having the ship cook and clean for everyone and he is the only one that does not want to go he is depriving all the family of being pampered. then he can do all the cooking and cleaning. Watch he will magically no longer care about that 4.5 hours of practice. if he knows he cant see or talk to the girl then he would be willing to cruise. it might just teach him the world does not revolve aroung him. oh and my favorite choice # 3 when you pay the mortage, buy the food, pay for the insurance, you can choose when and where we go on vacation.