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CSHS1979

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About CSHS1979

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    Cool Cruiser

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    USA - Below the Mason-Dixon Line
  • Favorite Cruise Line(s)
    Royal Caribbean

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  1. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary) 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
  2. The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but Whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, The cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, The cow would move away from the bull, And he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and Ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned That they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife's from Scotland "
  3. This is silly, they all come from FB😉 A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £15,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial. At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only £125,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah." The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said,'We'll take it.' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the by jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir..There's no money in that account!' '''I know,'said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
  4. Found on FB Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
  5. Found on FB A man was leaving the local cafe one morning with his usual black coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the cemetery opposite. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse some fifty feet behind. Fifty feet behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Fifty feet behind this man was a queue of 200 men walking closely together in single file. The man watched for a few moments, before his curiosity eventually got the better of him. Respectfully he approached the man with the dog, and the conversation went as follows - Man A - "I'm very sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you. But I've never seen a funeral quite like this one, with so many people (all men) walking in single file. Whose funeral is it? Man B - Holding back his emotion - "Well, that first hearse is for my wife" Man A - "I am so sorry. What happened to her" Man B - "Unexpectedly, my dog attacked and killed her" Man A - "Oh no! Well, who's in the second hearse?" Man B - "My mother-in-law". Man A - "What happened to her? Man B - "She tried to help my wife, and the dog then turned on her – killing her too" A poignant and thoughtful few moments of silence then passed between the two men. Until.... Man A - "Can I borrow the dog?" Man B - "Join the queue"
  6. More from Canadian FB A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everyone pays..
  7. Found on FB Canadian Humor page Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that old hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew that he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured that he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat on the way out". The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal", ya decided you would rather do without your hat, than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "Well no, Father, after ya talked about "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"....I remembered where I left me hat."
  8. Gotta ask 😀 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dog trainers debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 17. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 18. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 20. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that fifth one ENJOYS it?
  9. Found on FB, you ungrateful lot TEMPTATIONS In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, and with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have it with chocolate chips and nuts too". And lo, they gained 10 pounds. And God created healthy yogurt so that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 16. And God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then verily, God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Not ard and supersize those little lovelies please". And Satan said "It is good" And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan then chuckled and created the National Health Service. FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink red wine excessively and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer, eat lots of sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is obviously what kills you.
  10. @bobndee I guess I do cite sources on occassion.😉 Is this why you chose to single me out🤔
  11. Yes, I found it on the Celebrity boards. Didn't realize I had to cite sources. Thst thread is very different, I thought folks here might enjoy a few of the jokes. This thread is more about memes. I guess it's true, No good deed goes unpunished. Might be time for a break anyway
  12. Modified from the Bella thread WESTIETUDE 🤣: A German Shepard, Doberman and Bella have unfortunately died. All three are faced with God, who wants to know what they believe in. The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.” “Good,” says God “then you shall sit by my right side.” “Doberman, what do you believe in?” asked God. Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.” “Aha.” God said, “you may sit by my left side.” He looks at Bella and asks, “what do you believe?” And Bella answers, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”
  13. Mother of six children is having "The Talk" with her oldest daughter. She explains in great detail exactly how things work and what exactly the couple has to do in order to get pregnant. (tab A, slot B, etc.) After finishing the mother asks her daughter if she has any questions. Daughter pauses for a moment, digesting the information and then asks "You and dad did THAT six times?!
  14. I kind of remember our son mentioning that when talking about fire fighting training in boot camp. Apparently almost every fireman died during the explosion and it took a lot longer to get the fires out. So sometime after that, everyone had to train for fire duty.
  15. Not lately, but I always enjoyed this from the 60's One, two, three, four, one, two Let me tell you how it will be There's one for you, nineteen for me 'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman Should five per cent appear too small Be thankful I don't take it all 'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman If you drive a car, I'll tax the street If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat If you get too cold, I'll tax the heat If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet 'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman Don't ask me what I want it for (Ah ah, Mr. Wilson) If you don't want to pay some more (Ah…
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