Bedwetting

Hi I’m after some advice.

It’s my fiftieth birthday later this year and I really want to go on a cruise to celebrate my family.

My problem is that my husband is not so keen. A couple of years ago he started wetting the bed. It has been so embarrassing and frustrating for him. At first he was in denial and thought it was just “one offs”, too much to drink, deep sleeping etc., and would just go away. But it just kept on happening. He finally went to the doctors and after lots and lots of tests with lots and lots of doctors it was discovered he has spinal stenosis which has caused nerve damage to the nerves controlling his bladder and sleep apnea which makes him “wake up” even though he doesn’t recognise it. Hence when he “awakes” with a full bladder, which he doesn’t feel, he pees in the bed. He has had a spinal operation and uses a CPAP machine, which has improved the problem but hasn’t completely resolved it.

He has also tried wearing adult nappies to bed... which he hates, and doesn’t always work because he sleeps on his sides, and medications which have been useless (just make him really thirsty and needing to drink more, and didn’t stop it anyway).

At home we have a waterproof mattress protector and reusable bed pad, which we take on holidays as well. When he go away on holidays we only stay in apartments or cabins with washing machines and dryers so we can manage ourselves. If he goes away on overnight business trips he only stays in 5 star hotels so he can send an email to get a protector placed on the bed, check in late, and if the bed is wet in the morning he will strip the bed, leave a large tip and checkout early, to avoid coming face to face with housekeeping staff. We never stay with friends or family.

He doesn’t want to go on a cruise because he says that you know the housekeeping staff, who will know he wets the bed and that on cruise ships the laundry facilities are public and he will be too embarrassed taking the sheets, protector and pad to be laundered in public.

I have offered to do the laundry for him and said that others will assume that it is the kids that have the problem. But he is too humiliated and proud to allow me to take on this responsibility.

I’m at my wits end. Has anyone out there had to deal with this problem?

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with laundering the wet sheets and protectors privately and discretely?

I am so sorry your hubby is dealing with this health issue. Personally, and please do not take offense, but I would place my husband's health & emotional concerns above my own and modify my vacation plans to a venue that provides more privacy. If my husband is unhappy, uncomfortable and self conscious, the vacation is a complete bust for everyone. I would feel absolutely terrible forcing him into something he doesn't want to do for the reasons you mentioned. As an alternative, my husband and I have easily & frequently rented vacation homes in various cities/countries which has allowed us privacy and the ability to do laundry whenever we wanted. I think your husband would feel better about not having to deal with a room steward or someone else coming in and changing the bedding. Irregardless of what method you choose, a plastic mattress covering that you bring and enclose the mattress is an absolute must.

If he is uncomfortable using the washable pads what about the large disposable pads, I think they are called chucks? You could try some out at home before you book the cruise to see if he would be ok with them. Bring some grocery bags to use to put them in then toss in the garbage. No one would even know. A medical supply store might have some bigger more absorbent ones.

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Just to be clear, not all ships have public laundries on board - in fact most do not. And most ships don't change the sheets daily - aside from your husbands situation, would you normally change them every day at home? So what this means is that there will be awkward situations with the room stewards likely every day and his condition would not be one that IMO would be good for health and cleanliness situations on board - especially for those in your stateroom after you on the next cruise.

Unfortunately, unless this is something you can absolutely control so as to not affect the bed linens, going on a cruise would not be an option for you IMO.

If he is uncomfortable using the washable pads what about the large disposable pads, I think they are called chucks? You could try some out at home before you book the cruise to see if he would be ok with them. Bring some grocery bags to use to put them in then toss in the garbage. No one would even know. A medical supply store might have some bigger more absorbent ones.

 

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There's a waterproof mattress cover with a brand name of Sures. You can find them on Amazon by doing a search for "waterproof mattress covers."

Also Depends makes a very reliable men's incontinent briefs that fit tightly to mitigate leakage. They are effective both while asleep and for daytime use.

Is your husband completely against the idea of a cruise, period? Or would he be happy if his concerns could be allayed?

If he would not be happy, no matter what, then I think that is your answer. If he would consider a cruise if his concerns could be allayed, I suggest you contact the 'special needs' department of your preferred cruiseline and see what they suggest. It might be possible to find a solution that would work for everyone - after all, they deal with a wide range of ages and medical conditions, so they must have dealt with this kind of thing before.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

It is so frustrating, because I know deep down he would love going on the cruise. In fact earlier in our marriage, he was keen to go on a cruise but I was the one who was hesitant. This whole bedwetting issue has really taken a toll on him and changed his life. I wish he could put a different perspective on the issue, he is a kind and loving husband and father, and in my view it is such a minor matter, just a bit more laundry. Unfortunately he has been devastated by it and is completely humiliated by it. I have tried to get him into counseling and reassure him that there are a lot of bigger issues in our lives than the occasional wet sheet, but I have not been so successful.

For all those concerned that we would even consider going on the cruise without ensuring the mattress was not properly protected, please be assured that my husband would not allow this to happen, he is such a good natured person, his immediate concern would be about others. In fact when this issue first started and he was unaware of the deeper problems, he did wet a couple of hotel beds when away on business, he was so horrified of the consequences he left what I considered to be way over the top tips of $200 to compensate housekeeping and damage he had caused. And even after that he would spend days worrying about the housekeeping staff that handled the wet bed and whether they were able clean up and dry the mattress properly for the next guests. Even now when he travels for work he emails ahead, and if a protector is not placed on his bed he will go out and buy one even if it means staying up half the night finding a place open.

Please also be assured that he has tried things like fitted briefs but has found them unreliable for sleeping. I have tried to get him to talk to the doctor about self catheterisation, but because of his shame and the fact that the bedwetting is occasional and unpredictable he cannot bring himself to have this conversation.

I guess deep down I have always known that a cruise is not really a viable option for us but I was kind of hoping that someone on this board may have had to deal with similar issues and had had a positive experience which I could use to open up a conversation, because I am sure if we could overcome his embarrassment and anxiety he would have such a great time.

Has he tried an external catheter for nighttime use? I do not believe a prescription is needed. Might be something he could deal with for a one week cruise?

Also, most Princess ships have self laundry. You could bring a single sheet and place a chux pad between the ship's sheet and your personal sheet.

Whatever type of vacation you choose, I hope you and DH have a wonderful time.

I'm sure most cruiselines have experience dealing with these kinds of situations. I would speak with the special needs department of whatever line you're interested in and see what they say.

Those chuck pads work well and you can bring your own mattress protector.

I hope you find a solution that he feels comfortable with.

OP, this is 100% down to whether or not your hubby can ever feel comfortable with the situation. The fact he's willing to travel for work shows that he CAN do it - the question is whether or not the added stress of him feeling judged by the cabin stewards etc. will make a cruise simply unenjoyable for him overall. All you can do is present/remind him of the facts and then let him decide. If cruising just isn't going to work out, you can always go with a friend instead if there's some place you want to see that isn't feasible to do as a land vacation with him.

Many people with many medical conditions cruise - not to mention seasick pax and the party-too-hearty crowd who puke all over the place, plus young kids who aren't toilet-trained - so I doubt there's anything you could do a bed that they haven't seen and dealt with before on a regular basis. Heck, some really inconsiderate people even DIE on cruises!

I've volunteered for years in hospice (including training in adult diapering), have a large family with many sick relatives; in short I have personal experience of a raft of conditions that cause much worse in both frequency and danger-of-dealing-with-the-bodily-fluids issues than occasional bed-wetting. The cruiseline is not the limiting factor here - speak to the special needs department, inform them of what you need, and let them ensure that the stewards, laundry staff etc. are informed appropriately.

At the end of the day, if your hubby tips as generously at sea as he does on land I'd wager that many cruise staff would happily volunteer to clean your cabin;-)

Hi I’m after some advice.

 

 

 

It’s my fiftieth birthday later this year and I really want to go on a cruise to celebrate my family.

 

 

 

My problem is that my husband is not so keen. A couple of years ago he started wetting the bed. It has been so embarrassing and frustrating for him. At first he was in denial and thought it was just “one offs”, too much to drink, deep sleeping etc., and would just go away. But it just kept on happening. He finally went to the doctors and after lots and lots of tests with lots and lots of doctors it was discovered he has spinal stenosis which has caused nerve damage to the nerves controlling his bladder and sleep apnea which makes him “wake up” even though he doesn’t recognise it. Hence when he “awakes” with a full bladder, which he doesn’t feel, he pees in the bed. He has had a spinal operation and uses a CPAP machine, which has improved the problem but hasn’t completely resolved it.

 

 

 

He has also tried wearing adult nappies to bed... which he hates, and doesn’t always work because he sleeps on his sides, and medications which have been useless (just make him really thirsty and needing to drink more, and didn’t stop it anyway).

 

 

 

At home we have a waterproof mattress protector and reusable bed pad, which we take on holidays as well. When he go away on holidays we only stay in apartments or cabins with washing machines and dryers so we can manage ourselves. If he goes away on overnight business trips he only stays in 5 star hotels so he can send an email to get a protector placed on the bed, check in late, and if the bed is wet in the morning he will strip the bed, leave a large tip and checkout early, to avoid coming face to face with housekeeping staff. We never stay with friends or family.

 

 

 

He doesn’t want to go on a cruise because he says that you know the housekeeping staff, who will know he wets the bed and that on cruise ships the laundry facilities are public and he will be too embarrassed taking the sheets, protector and pad to be laundered in public.

 

I have offered to do the laundry for him and said that others will assume that it is the kids that have the problem. But he is too humiliated and proud to allow me to take on this responsibility.

 

 

 

I’m at my wits end. Has anyone out there had to deal with this problem?

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with laundering the wet sheets and protectors privately and discretely?

Did you know they make rubber pants for adults? Like the kind they use on babies. He could wear these at night and they do not leak. Check them out online. Just type in adult rubber pants. They come in various sizes and colors. Hope this helps. [emoji846]

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Thank you all for your advice. I am looking at going on a cruise on the Carnival Spirit, so I rang Carnival for some help. They were so kind, helpful and non-judgemental about our situation. They even offered to arrange for the cabin steward to remake the bed with our mattress protector. They will take care of laundry of wet sheets and we can look after the protector and bed pad, which can be handled discretely through the passenger laundry service. Still doesn’t address issue of cabin steward being aware of the issue, but at least gives me a starting point for a discussion.

I googled “Adult Rubber Pants” and you should see all these really weird internet sites that came up... LOL. I haven’t seen these in the chemist or any Australian incontinence supplies websites. Anyway, found an American Incontinence website (which didn’t have the weird sex stuff). Would need my husband to revisit using adult nappies again, which will be difficult, but if he can overcome his embarrassment, seem like they may be a solution. I will try to encourage him to give them a try at home, as they could be useful whenever he has to stay away from home. At least it is another conversation starter.

He used to travel a lot for work and he enjoyed that part of his job. He now avoids it, but still travels when he can’t think of an excuse not to travel. He is to embarrassed to tell his work colleagues of his situation.

Again, thanks heaps, your advice has provided me with a couple of conversation starters and kept the door slightly ajar.

Thank you all for your advice. I am looking at going on a cruise on the Carnival Spirit, so I rang Carnival for some help. They were so kind, helpful and non-judgemental about our situation. They even offered to arrange for the cabin steward to remake the bed with our mattress protector. They will take care of laundry of wet sheets and we can look after the protector and bed pad, which can be handled discretely through the passenger laundry service. Still doesn’t address issue of cabin steward being aware of the issue, but at least gives me a starting point for a discussion.

 

I googled “Adult Rubber Pants” and you should see all these really weird internet sites that came up... LOL. I haven’t seen these in the chemist or any Australian incontinence supplies websites. Anyway, found an American Incontinence website (which didn’t have the weird sex stuff). Would need my husband to revisit using adult nappies again, which will be difficult, but if he can overcome his embarrassment, seem like they may be a solution. I will try to encourage him to give them a try at home, as they could be useful whenever he has to stay away from home. At least it is another conversation starter.

 

He used to travel a lot for work and he enjoyed that part of his job. He now avoids it, but still travels when he can’t think of an excuse not to travel. He is to embarrassed to tell his work colleagues of his situation.

 

Again, thanks heaps, your advice has provided me with a couple of conversation starters and kept the door slightly ajar.

Good luck with your husband! I hope something works out for you that will open lots of doors for more travel. Medical things happen, it just changes how you have to do things it does not need to control your life! Honestly if I was a room steward it would not bother me at all, especially with how considerate you are planning to be if you do decide to go. They probably get called many times in the middle of the night from a drunken adult getting sick everywhere or a child wetting the bed. Life is too short to worry about being embarrassed for a medical issue!!

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Fingers crossed you get to go your cruise and that you both have an amazing time!

There are also disposable pads for the bed. So a protector under the sheet to protect the mattress, and a disposable pad on top should take care of things. Possibly with the adult diapers as primary.

The housekeeping staff would only have to change the bed each day. And if you are willing to strip it each morning, so much the easier.

And the staff are more understanding that judgmental..

The hospital I work at just got liners for adult briefs. They are the most absorbent things I have used. (Think extra long thin maxi inside the depends) And they can be positioned more forward for men where depends are frequently lacking.

Look up tranquility adult liner.

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There is more support required than the physical needs of the situation. Given his young age, perhaps he would also consider some emotional support professionals at home to help him put the problem into perspective with the embarrassment. What a burden for him, when perhaps dealing with the emotional side (and some further trials of physical aids), may allow a fuller life.

Has he tried an external catheter for nighttime use? I do not believe a prescription is needed. Might be something he could deal with for a one week cruise?

 

.

This is a good option. We use the condom catheters at work. Some patients request them because they don't like wearing a brief.

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Please come back and let us know if you and he are able to work things out. I'm sorry that both of you are dealing with this but you are right .......... In the big picture of your life together, this is a bump in the road. I don't mean to make light of this ... I'm sure your husband is mortified ... but you have each other and I'm sure a lot more! Best of luck to you!

I have no idea how you have progressed with this but as there is no mention of this nosespray anywhere in this thread I thought I would mention it.

We tried everything with our son nappies and an alarm, waking him up etc. finally we were sent to a specialist who prescribed a nose spray whcih worked!

This was obviously a case of child bed wetting but if it works that is all that counts.

https://www.ndrugs.com/?s=desmopressine-acetaat

This is the name I found on line, I do not know if there are other similar drugs but I am sure your GP can find out.

I hope this helps.

There is no mention of limiting alcohol beverages either. I worked in addiction recovery and heard many stories of men being incontinent due to their drinking, especailly when asleep or passed out. Happened when driving or at work as well, but more rarely. While they were still drinking, anything but the alcohol was blamed. Problem stopped when the drinking did.

I am not suggesting the OP's husband is an alcoholic, but she did mention his drinking in the original post. If the incontinence is caused by spinal stenosis as he is willing to assume, damage to the L6 to L9 veterbrae to be specific, then bowel control and sexual functioning might be affected as well. In that case, a spinal surgeon would probably want to perform a fusion operation ASAP.

There is no mention of limiting alcohol beverages either. I worked in addiction recovery and heard many stories of men being incontinent due to their drinking, especailly when asleep or passed out. Happened when driving or at work as well, but more rarely. While they were still drinking, anything but the alcohol was blamed. Problem stopped when the drinking did.

 

I am not suggesting the OP's husband is an alcoholic, but she did mention his drinking in the original post. If the incontinence is caused by spinal stenosis as he is willing to assume, damage to the L6 to L9 veterbrae to be specific, then bowel control and sexual functioning might be affected as well. In that case, a spinal surgeon would probably want to perform a fusion operation ASAP.

I find the above comment insensitive and a bit pompous. Great, you’ve worked in addiction recovery, a very worthwhile career, however I feel your ‘helpful’ advice that the issue may be with alcohol is insulting. Yes the OP mentioned drinking, did you not think it could be water, soda, tea? She also mentioned his medications made him very thirsty, no where did it say alcohol was involved but if that were the case, so? Do you not think they’ve tried other avenues to rectify the situation.

As for your suggestion of seeing a surgeon, I believe the OP mentioned her husband had tried surgery.

I don’t mean to get on my high horse but your comments rubbed me the wrong way. Instead of being helpful I find them accusatory. The OP has asked for info - not a Doctors run down of what they SHOULD do.

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I've been dealing with a similar issue for several years with my elderly father who had prostate surgery and I have a system that works quite well. What I have found that works is to use this brand of brief as it is twice as absorbent than any other brand on the market:

https://www.amazon.com/Tranquility-OverNight-Disposable-Absorbent-Underwear/dp/B0039Y3E4S/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1519601086&sr=8-7&keywords=premium+overnight+underwear

In addition, you can also place an incontinence pad within this brief if more absorbency is needed.

https://www.amazon.com/Depend-Incontinence-Maximum-Absorbency-Absorbent/dp/B01KOFCNP0/ref=sr_1_4_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1519601192&sr=1-4&keywords=incontinence+pad+for+men

In addition, there are vinyl pants for extra protection:

https://www.amazon.com/LeakMaster-Waterproof-Comfortable-Effective-Incontinence/dp/B004NQCBHM/ref=sr_1_5_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1519601249&sr=1-5&keywords=vinyl%2Bincontinence%2Bpants&th=1matchtype=&network=g&device=c&adposition=1o8&keyword=&gclid=Cj0KCQiA2snUBRDfARIsAIGfpqFziMxWeg2Te2vQugUJj5W4KvgsWUPTPgNjYcCbFz7nlqOASCC_A7kaAhMIEALw_wcB

And these disposable bed pads:

https://www.amazon.com/GoodNites-Disposable-Nightime-Bedwetting-Waterproof/dp/B00I9R6W0S/ref=sr_1_28_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1519601330&sr=1-28&keywords=bed+pads+for+incontinence

In addition to the above products, I'm going to mention something much cleaner to use which your husband may prefer as it simplifies things greatly. Men are lucky that they can use an external con dom catheter: https://www.amazon.com/External-Catheter-Rochester-UltraFlex-Adhering/dp/B00XZRFJ24/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1519601407&sr=1-1&keywords=external+catheters+for+men

Keep trying different things and soon you will figure out a system that works best for your husband. I'm so sorry he is having to go through this but there are so many helpful items out there that can resolve much of this problem. Don't give up.

There is no mention of limiting alcohol beverages either. I worked in addiction recovery and heard many stories of men being incontinent due to their drinking, especailly when asleep or passed out. Happened when driving or at work as well, but more rarely. While they were still drinking, anything but the alcohol was blamed. Problem stopped when the drinking did.

 

I am not suggesting the OP's husband is an alcoholic, but she did mention his drinking in the original post. If the incontinence is caused by spinal stenosis as he is willing to assume, damage to the L6 to L9 veterbrae to be specific, then bowel control and sexual functioning might be affected as well. In that case, a spinal surgeon would probably want to perform a fusion operation ASAP.

My husband enjoys an alcoholic drink, but he is not, and has never been a big drinker. He rarely drinks during the week, and really only drinks socially. He drinks even less these days as he did notice that if he does drink alcohol or caffeine, he is more likely to wet the bed. That said, his bedwetting occurs whether or not he has consumed alcohol.

In relation to his spinal stenosis, he has stenosis and arthritis in the L4 and L5 lumbar vertebrae. He had an laminectomy performed on the L5 about 3 years The neurosurgeon who performed the operation was the person who suggested to my husband that the stenosis and sleep apnea may have been the cause of his bedwetting. Since the operation there has been some improvement to the frequency of bedwetting occurances, but it hasn’t stopped.

Again thank you everybody for your kind words and suggestions. I’ve tried having a conversation with my hubby and mentioned some of the suggestions mentioned above ( trying different absorbent underwear, over pants and catheters). It has lead to deeper conversations and a greater appreciation on my behalf of the suffering he is going through.

It’s really so tough, every suggestion has been met with resistance and reasons why they won’t work. He really focuses on the worst possible outcomes. Whilst I tried my hardest to put this into some sort of perspective, for example, the worst possible outcome is a wet mattress that can be be cleaned or at worst, replaced at our expense and the benefits being quality family time and lifelong memories for our children. Unfortunately the conversation ends when I do not have suitable response to the humiliation he feels because of the bedwetting and he ends up in tears. It is so gut wrenching.

I’m now starting to realise that this is much greater than a discussion about keeping a bed dry, I’m concerned my hubby may be severely depressed. I did suggest we see a doctor or a psychologist, but he doesn’t see the point. He feels defeated.

Whilst my objective from my original post was to find some positive experiences of cruising from people in a similar situation as my husband has not been achieved, I now realise that my husband’s circumstances are worse than I realised and that a cruise is not only not feasible at this point of time, there are far greater priorities for me to attend to at this stage.

Thank you