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Cruisingformetime

Managing Mouthy Travel Companions?

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considers the replies

 

  • "Don't travel with them." These replies are well-meant but unhelpful, since the intent of the query was to assess a feasible approach to managing a trip abroad with a close family member with no filters and lots of opinions. Thank you for trying, though.
  • c-boy, thank you! That's a great idea. Some silent or coded cues to communicate when someone is out of line makes a lot of sense, because some people simply aren't aware of when they are crossing lines, and my brother is one of those.
  • Talking to them in advance is definitely necessary. I am dealing with someone who has never been abroad before, and the idea that he isn't always going to be free to say anything he wants wherever he goes is quite simply foreign to him. The idea that doing so could land him in jail is not within his realm of understanding.
  • True that it would apply to South America as well, but I don't really have any interest in that area of the world, so I hadn't considered it. Just not my thing. 🙂 Middle East / Asia / Europe is where I had in mind to go.
Edited by Cruisingformetime

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4 hours ago, Cruisingformetime said:

This is for those of you who have done world / Europe / Middle East / Asia cruises.

 

Have you ever done so with a traveling companion who simply cannot keep their opinions to themselves, on the ship or off of it? Sex, religion, politics, it doesn't matter. How did you deal with this (preferably without the use of duct tape, although duct tape might be an option....)

 

Well you seem to be saying that "not traveling" with your brother is'nt an option. I don't think I have ever said this before, but if he is truly that opinionated, I would not go.

You are not going to change him and if he is that bad, why go?
 

Based on your name, it seems like this question doesn't fit.

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40 minutes ago, Cruisingformetime said:

considers the replies

 

  • "Don't travel with them." These replies are well-meant but unhelpful, since the intent of the query was to assess a feasible approach to managing a trip abroad with a close family member with no filters and lots of opinions. Thank you for trying, though.
  • c-boy, thank you! That's a great idea. Some silent or coded cues to communicate when someone is out of line makes a lot of sense, because some people simply aren't aware of when they are crossing lines, and my brother is one of those.
  • Talking to them in advance is definitely necessary. I am dealing with someone who has never been abroad before, and the idea that he isn't always going to be free to say anything he wants wherever he goes is quite simply foreign to him. The idea that doing so could land him in jail is not within his realm of understanding.
  • True that it would apply to South America as well, but I don't really have any interest in that area of the world, so I hadn't considered it. Just not my thing. 🙂 Middle East / Asia / Europe is where I had in mind to go.

 

Just my 2 cents. If you are considering accompanying him to some place where him speaking freely could land him in jail and he is not able to understand that; I would not put him in that situation. Love your brother, take a Caribbean cruise or a trip to Hawaii with him; save this trip for someone else. If he did spout off and end in a compromised situation could you live with the knowledge that he wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for you?

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My sister-in-law, with whom I love to travel, has totally opposite political views than mine. Long ago we agreed that any political discussion was verboten. Should either of us forget, we have an agreed-upon response, "So, how was your last manicure?" which we both know means End of Discussion.

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5 hours ago, Cruisingformetime said:

How did you deal with this

 

Beverage package 😀

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I am fascinated by the idea that boorish loud people would accept coded signals or accept hints ahead of time. Not in my experience. Those work only with people who actually have some degree of self-awareness.

 

That might be ok for the OP's situation, but I have to admit not travelling with them is the only possible approach for way too many people.

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4 hours ago, Toofarfromthesea said:

 

Most of us go on vacation to relax and have a good time, not to try to reform an idiot.

 

"Miss one dinner or spend the entire cruise, and after, feeling resentful."

 

Or do neither by not traveling with them.

Sorry, it is not reforming someone to tell them what you will not put up with. They can still act as they want, but you will not be there.

It is amazing how much difference it makes when one uses “I” statements, as in “I get uncomfortable when you do this”. Rather than “You make me uncomfortable when you do that”.  It does work but most people put up their defenses before speaking and wonder why people continue doing what they do.

And you have already lost half the argument when you call them an idiot.

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4 hours ago, Cruisingformetime said:

the idea that he isn't always going to be free to say anything he wants wherever he goes is quite simply foreign to him. The idea that doing so could land him in jail is not within his realm of understanding.

 

I have to admit reading that sentance it sounds a bit OTT. You sure your brother is that offensive that he could say something that would land him in jail😳? Even in some of the more conservative countries it would take a real ranting tirade before they put you in jail. If he is really that loose that he would for exapmle rant about how much he dislikes the King of Thailand in the streets of Bangkok then maybe you might need to sit him down for some cultural awareness training before you start your cruise.

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5 hours ago, Cruisingformetime said:

the intent of the query was to assess a feasible approach to managing a trip abroad with a close family member with no filters and lots of opinions.

Perhaps you should add "is there" in front of "a feasible approach."  Curious why you feel obligated, it seems, to travel with him, much less out of the country.

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29 minutes ago, ilikeanswers said:

you might need to sit him down for some cultural awareness training before you start your cruise.

And get him on some meds. Does he have a job? Friends? Is OP his caregiver? Do you travel together usually and where?

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8 hours ago, clo said:

So what? I haven't spoken to my brother in probably ten years. Again, why those specific parts of the world?

My brother was an only child.

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I have dealt with boorish travel companions by looking them in the face and saying "can we please change the subject?"  Or "we need to change the subject."

 

Yes, it's pointed. But it works. If I have to do this, it means I won't travel with them again.

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2 hours ago, 2wheelin said:

Sorry, it is not reforming someone to tell them what you will not put up with. They can still act as they want, but you will not be there.

It is amazing how much difference it makes when one uses “I” statements, as in “I get uncomfortable when you do this”. Rather than “You make me uncomfortable when you do that”.  It does work but most people put up their defenses before speaking and wonder why people continue doing what they do.

And you have already lost half the argument when you call them an idiot.

 

How can I half lose an argument I never entered?  I'm describing him as an idiot in this thread, not calling him that to his face - the way you know that is I'm not even talking to him because I'm not traveling with him.  But if you want to spend your vacation with someone who does not understand the norms of civilized behavior, so you can try to teach him how not to behave, by all means have at it.  For me, life is too short to let such negative people stay in my life.

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10 hours ago, clo said:

So what? I haven't spoken to my brother in probably ten years. Again, why those specific parts of the world?

My guess is that OP might have shared travelling companion’s views on Hawaii, the Caribbean, and Alaska and thus had no problem listening to blather so focused. 

 

Yes, a stretch - I know — but at least it brings some possible sense to the topic.

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Decisions can have consequences.  You decide to cruise with other folks and you may find yourself having to live with some issues.    If one's sibling cannot learn how to control him/her self, then perhaps the best solution is to not travel with that person. We assume that the OP was well aware of their brothers lack of "good judgement" but decided to do the trip anyway.  We have zero sympathy for the OP.  You make the decision, you pay the price.

 

Hank

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We belong to the MYOB club.  We mind our own business and try not to judge others.  Whose to say what we think and do is right.

 

We avoid those people like the plague.  Knowingly travel with one......a root canal would be preferable so we would never do that.  Judy not into analysis or trying to change people.

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I hope it works out for the OP.

 

Based on their first and subsequent posts, I just don't see how it can. For whatever reason, they are forced to cruise with this person (based on their explanation) they know will make it an embarrassing and uncomfortable trip.

Based on what has been shared, I honestly don't know what anyone can say to fix this situation.

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On 2/13/2020 at 2:59 PM, Cruisingformetime said:

considers the replies

 

  • "Don't travel with them." These replies are well-meant but unhelpful, since the intent of the query was to assess a feasible approach to managing a trip abroad with a close family member with no filters and lots of opinions. Thank you for trying, though.
  • c-boy, thank you! That's a great idea. Some silent or coded cues to communicate when someone is out of line makes a lot of sense, because some people simply aren't aware of when they are crossing lines, and my brother is one of those.
  • Talking to them in advance is definitely necessary. I am dealing with someone who has never been abroad before, and the idea that he isn't always going to be free to say anything he wants wherever he goes is quite simply foreign to him. The idea that doing so could land him in jail is not within his realm of understanding.
  • True that it would apply to South America as well, but I don't really have any interest in that area of the world, so I hadn't considered it. Just not my thing. 🙂 Middle East / Asia / Europe is where I had in mind to go.

Quite frankly, travel within his comfort countries.  If his actions are that potentially objectionable, your attempts to warm him may turn out to be a double dare.  There is no way I would travel with my SIL to any country that requires one to follow a restrictive culture or just sensitive like covering up before entering a  religious site.   She would not resist the impulse to flaunt  her ignorance.   

 

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On 2/13/2020 at 5:25 PM, lenquixote66 said:

My brother was an only child.

 

Huh, did he have any siblings?  

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On 2/13/2020 at 5:36 PM, mayleeman said:

I am fascinated by the idea that boorish loud people would accept coded signals or accept hints ahead of time. Not in my experience. Those work only with people who actually have some degree of self-awareness.

 

That might be ok for the OP's situation, but I have to admit not travelling with them is the only possible approach for way too many people.

I think that works when the boor has significant respect and affection for the other person

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Just now, Elaine5715 said:

I think that works when the boor has significant respect and affection for the other person

 

Unfortunately, that should be true but I have to say it positively isn't -- at least when a certain chemical compound available on ships in large, even unlimited, quantities is involved.

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This would never be an issue for us.  We would simply choose not to cruise or travel with someone like that.

 

This is a challenge that you bring on yourself by making the choice to travel with someone of that ilk.  Just say no, I will not travel with you.  Provide the reason if you feel it is appropriate.  This in within your control to resolve if you wish to do so.  You are the only person who can resolve your problem.

Edited by iancal

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@iancal The solution to just refuse sounds easy, but when it is a close family member like the OP mentioned there may be many other ongoing relationships involved, with the jerk being the gatekeeper to further contact with kids, cousins, etc. You sometimes have to face the inevitability of breaches akin to divorce tearing a family apart. Those may ultimately be the responsibility of the jerk, but it still involves complicated navigation.

 

The question most of us deal with ultimately is, which is more exhausting? Dealing with an unending series of shorter messes, or dealing with the cataclysmic mess once?

 

 

 

 

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If it comes down to offending a close family member or ruining/depreciating our trip(s) we would choose the former.

 

For us it would come down to whether we let others dictate or overly influence us on how  we live our own lives.

 

If you are looking for a magic bullet you will not find it.  Pick option one or option two and move forward.

 

The threat of a cataclysmic ending is probably an inevitability.  So why suffer...make your choice and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Try Dr. Phil if you must.  Not really certain what you expect from the posters on this board.  I suspect you are very clear in your mind as to the options.

Edited by iancal

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