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“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...


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*The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. *

 

*Here are some facts about the 1500’s: *
*Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in
May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were
starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. *

 

 

*Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!" *

 

 

*Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to
stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the
bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.*

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A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Here's one for those of us doing puzzles to fill the time.  From the AARP Bulletin:
 

ED: I'm proud of myself; I finished that jigsaw puzzle in just six months.

FRED: That sounds like a long time.

ED: Not when the box says 4 to 6 years!

 

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle on the speedometer jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself as he pushed the gas pedal to the floor. The needle hit 90...100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day”, he said, “this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I really don't feel like filing any more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer as he walked away.

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It must have been a woman who invented the Corona Virus!

  1. NFL – cancelled
  2. Formel 1 – cancelled
  3. Bars – Closed
  4. Brothels – Closed
  5. You have to stay at home – With the wife

Men – We are facing a hard time!

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7 hours ago, centurycruiser said:

Julius Caesar walked into a bar and asked for a martinus. The bartender said "You mean a martini?" Caesar said "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it!"

I took Latin back in HS (in the early 60’s!) thinking it was great for science.....should have taken German! Now all I can do is talk to very old Priests and read tombstones.....and this is a Great joke!!

 

Den

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1 hour ago, Denny01 said:

I took Latin back in HS (in the early 60’s!) thinking it was great for science.....should have taken German! Now all I can do is talk to very old Priests and read tombstones.....and this is a Great joke!!

 

Den

Denny, you made me laugh! I agree should have taken German. 😉  (Though I'm prejudiced, as I took both.)

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17 minutes ago, Shimsdan said:

This looks like the Butchart Gardens in Victoria, BC!!!  Gorgeous!

Wrong thread, but yes, it is Butchart Gardens. This is my 2005 photo from a similar viewpoint.

 

IMG_2694.thumb.jpeg.6cdc644ecec0552854fa5d376b3726cd.jpeg

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