“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[centurycruiser]

Do you know why it took so long to have female astronauts?

To avoid scenarios like this:

“Houston, we have a problem.”

“What is the problem?”

“Great! Pretend you don’t know what I am talking about.”

 

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

Bill was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of intelligence. He turned to his wife, Mary, and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Mary replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, Bill bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great Bill, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Bill. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Bill. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Bill. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Bill. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Bill looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

Don’t spell part backwards! It’s a trap.

 

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr,  And, it’s driving me nuts.”

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

 

Eat right stay fit. Die anyway.

 

I plan on living forever, or, die trying.

 

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
 

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

I like birthdays but too many can kill you.

 

Death is hereditary. 

 

Good health is merely the slowest way to die.

 

Aging gracefully is just a nice way of saying “you’re slowly looking worse.”

 

What if oxygen is really deadly, but, just kills you very slowly?

 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This ***** is not what I expected.
 

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

Think old and you’ll be old. Think young and you’ll be a delusional old fart.

 

You know you’re old when an “all nighter” means not having to get up in the middle of the night to pee.

 

Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

 

Old is when your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey I can’t do both.”

 

Old is when going braless pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

 

Old is when “getting a little action” means you don’t have to take any fiber today.

 

Old is when “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

 

Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

 

Once you become the world’s oldest person, there is nothing you can do to lose that title.

 

Being the world’s youngest person is the world record most frequently broken.

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty', he replied.

 

Bill, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Bill walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Bill and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Bill replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

 

 

As Bill was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his Mary's voice urgently warning him,

"Bill, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 95. Please be careful!"

”Heck”,said Bill, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[centurycruiser]

This board really needs help. It it about 60 pages behind Royal Caribbean's joke board!

I can’t believe I got fired from my job in the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 

'I once had a job in a deli, but just couldn't slice it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not cut the mustard.'

 

Two guys stole a calendar. They each got 6 months.

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory. I got canned; couldn’t concentrate.

 

I got fired from my job in the kitchen for stealing. It was a whisk I was willing to take.

 

I used to work in a factory where they made fire hydrants. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

 

I couldn’t believe my father, the highway worker, was fired for stealing. But, when I got home the signs were all there.
 

[centurycruiser]

Let's get on the ball Celebrity joke board. Don't let me do all the heavy carrying!

[Von & John]

Edited May 3, 2020 by Von & John

[Paulpgr]

Redneck car repairs . . .

 

  

             

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[C-Dragons]

10 hours ago, centurycruiser said:

Let's get on the ball Celebrity joke board. Don't let me do all the heavy carrying!

Bless your heart, don't worry, no one is expecting you to. 

 

As I've said previously, this is NOT a contest. But thanks for your contribution.

[Fouremco]

8 minutes ago, C-Dragons said:

Bless your heart, don't worry, no one is expecting you to. 

 

As I've said previously, this is NOT a contest. But thanks for your contribution.

Besides, the Celebrity thread strives for quality, not quantity! 

[Paulpgr]

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim . I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning

[C-Dragons]

One day a man was in his yard mowing the grass when his neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and hastily walked back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went up to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut. Angrily, she stormed back into the house. As the man was finishing edging the lawn, she came out again, marched up to the mailbox, opened it, then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man went up to her and asked, “Is something wrong?” to which she replied, "There certainly is, my stupid new computer keeps saying, “You've Got Mail!”

[bob278]

Is this a riddle?  Are we supposed to use the clues to guess her hair color?

[C-Dragons]

14 minutes ago, bob278 said:

Is this a riddle?  Are we supposed to use the clues to guess her hair color?

If it had been a man instead of a woman, would his hair color have mattered? Or made it funnier? 😉

Edited May 3, 2020 by C-Dragons

[C-Dragons]

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

Rodney Dangerfield

[bob278]

I was trying to be funny.  My hair color is bald.  Does that make it funny?

[Texed]

2 minutes ago, bob278 said:

I was trying to be funny.  My hair color is bald.  Does that make it funny?

 

Bob, I believe that C-Dragons was being funny (sarcastic) also.  😁

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]