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On 7/2/2020 at 12:40 AM, PompeySailor said:

And Robin Hood

EEFFCD8A-15B3-4F03-9968-ACAC7070FBA4.jpeg

That was William Tell, surely?

The bint in the pointy hat seems a bit keen.  Definitely an early Facebook user, or one of those "Send your fail video for $$$" people.

 

To get back on-topic, I've searched for some Willam Tell jokes, but all those I can find end up with the punchline of a blind or dirty old man recognising the tune from a nude chorus line as bum, titty bum, titty bum bum bum.  🙄

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On 7/7/2020 at 3:00 PM, John&LaLa said:

FB_IMG_1594130340081.thumb.jpg.8d743313e424bb6709c72f6ce3c5c220.jpg

 

That reminds me of a story on the radio some years ago by some celebrity parking his expensive Range Rover in an inner city.

 

A group of youths were hanging about and came up and said "Look after your car, mister.  See it comes to no harm.  £10".

 

"That's OK" said the celebrity.  "My Alsation is in the back; nobody will steal it with him there."

 

"This Alsation" says the youth.  "Put fires out, can he?"

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On 7/8/2020 at 3:59 AM, John&LaLa said:

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint....
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.😂

 

It is rare that I genuinely LOL, but that one did it for me, thank you!

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5 hours ago, grapau27 said:

Your stories are hilarious.

Graham.😂

 

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. 

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. 

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. 

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. 

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" 

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. 

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. 

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. 

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog" !!

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A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husbands temper..The doctor asks, " What's the problem? " The woman says, doctor, I don't know what to do..Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, it scares me..The doctor says, " I have a cure for that..When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth..Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.." Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn..The woman says, doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water..I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that? The doctor says, " The water itself does nothing..It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.." 🙃

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