Paulpgr

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course.

A naked man wearing a paper bag over his  head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies notice the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

The third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this club!'

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

 

‘Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

Old Man And The Beaver  An  86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the  86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'  I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  "So what do you think about that Doc?"  The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a season."       One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking  cane instead of his gun."  "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver  sitting at the water's edge..  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't  shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if  it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.  "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.  The 86-year-old said,  "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else  pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."  The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Daddy,

I am coming home  from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your  cheque book. LOL 

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. 

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, 
had long chats on Whatsapp, 

he  proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two 
months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, 
good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

 Your favorite daughter,

 

Lilly

 

Dad’s reply ....

 

 

My Dear Lilly,

 

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

 

Whatever.....,

 

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

 

Daddy,

I am coming home  from Australia, to get married soon, so get out your  cheque book. LOL 

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me, he lives in Scotland. 

We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, 
had long chats on Whatsapp, 

he  proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two 
months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, 
good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

 Your favorite daughter,

 

Lilly

 

Dad’s reply ....

 

 

My Dear Lilly,

 

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

 

Whatever.....,

 

I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

 

Life truths - irony division
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

 

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:

 

1.     Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

2.     Life is sexually transmitted.

3.     Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4.     Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,          make him a sandwich.

5.     Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

6.     Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

7.     All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8.     In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take ***** to make it normal.

9.     Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

 

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillburys All Pupose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

 

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

 

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

 

 ‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

 

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

 ‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

 ‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

 

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

 ‘Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

 

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

 I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 

Back on January 9th, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 

 

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss......Followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.

 

You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

 

Definition of "OLD"        #1               I very quietly  confided to my best friend that I was having an  affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you  having it catered?"    And that, my friend, is the sad  definition of "OLD"!    #2  Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very  elderly widow and asked, "How old  was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older  than me"  "So you're 96," the undertaker  commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going  home, is it?"    #3 Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best  thing About being 104?" the  reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer  pressure."   #4 I've sure gotten old!  I have  outlived my feet and my teeth  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip  replacement, New knees, fought  prostate cancer and diabetes I'm  half blind, Can't hear anything  quieter than a jet engine, Take 40  different medications that Make me  dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank  God, I still have my driver's  license.    #5 I feel like my body has gotten totally  out of shape, So I got my doctor's  permission to Join a fitness club  and start exercising. I decided to  take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and  down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.    #6 An  elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had  two final requests. First, she  wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over  Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?"  the preacher exclaimed. "Why  Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit  me twice a week"    #7 My  memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it  used to be.   #8 Know how  to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.   #9 It's scary when you start making the  same noises As your coffee  maker.   #10 These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'    #11 THE SENILITY PRAYER  :  Grant me the senility to forget the  people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I  do, and The eyesight to tell the  difference.

My travel Plans for 2021
 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenlin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.