Unusual dilemma Requiring Tact - difficult/cheap relative

[dileep]

Thank you so much for all your responses. I should elaborate and tell you that we did take this woman on a cruise about three years ago (again we picked up the tab) and she had a very good time. I truly believe she is "afraid" of spending the money because as one poster pointed out, the money could go towards other expenses. What I find annoying and, frankly, offensive is the fact that we are willing to pay for everything - even their own board expenses and shore excursions and she still balks.

 

It is not unusual for someone to not want to accept charity even from a family members. It can make them feel inadequate. People take pride in living within their means and are often afraid of owing others who are iin their minds) overly generous. People feel bad about taking from others when they cannot pay back or return the favor. This is especially true in other cultures.

 

I can see why she may not want to accept an expensive gift!

[Mysteryreader]

Nothing you can do is going to change a difficult/cheap relative. We have a similar situation in our family. (BTW, cruising is their favorite vacation b/c they know the entire cost up-front.) The other siblings and i-ls started an annual get-together nearly a decade ago. We had a blast. This one brother and sil always had a reason why they couldn't join us. We figured it was their loss.

 

Last yr oldest db died. Other brother didn't attend the funeral b/c he "couldn't get a ticket." (Yes, last-minute tickets were available; he just didn't want to pay the high cost. Dh and I had to fly first-class, and I'm still trying to forget how much we paid.)

 

So this yr's reunion will be minus one; it will be more difficult but we'll make it and we have all those fun memories of yrs past. Other brother and sil can never get that back. (Not that I think they care.) (BTW, an illustration of how cheap brother and sil are: at our dd's wedding, they attempted to price everything while still at the reception. The rest of the table was aghast but couldn't get them to change the topic.)

 

All your generosity and family sentiments haven't changed your relative's feeling yet and probably never will. Accept reality. Tell them you're sorry they won't be joining you and go have a great time.

 

M/R

[SanFranBayCruiser]

Dileep - I appreciate your point of view and would agree that might be the problem, however, she has accepted very expensive gifts before...meaning rather large trust funds for her children. So, I'd probably have to rule out the possibility of your theory. But, I do thank you for that thought.

 

And, the rest of us are in very good finanical situations where giving a close relative a cruise like this is very matter of fact. No one in the family is a show boat and, we've done everything humanly possible to make this woman feel welcome and wanted in our family. And, her husband is by no means under paid - he is an engineer in the chemical field and is making over $100,000/year.

 

And MysteryReader - Hear you loud and clear!

 

I'm just at a loss as to why this woman is so difficult when it comes to vacation or any type of spending...

 

Thanks again for your input everyone, it is appreciated.

[joelmarj]

I'd put the offer on the table, give her a deadline to accept then move on. I also think the husband needs to grow some backbone and tell her he wants to go and should do it as well as take the children with him. It sounds like he makes all the compromises and she's not very flexible.

 

You can't force them to go, but I'd certainly force them to make a decision and not hold up the group. It's a shame that she can't see how selfish she is being.

[sweetcat]

Be aware that even if you give her the cruise are you giving her/him the tips, drinks, airfare, shore excursions, etc. ? Would she even complain about them or will you all have to pay for all the vacation? Maybe this is entering into her thoughts (all the additional things they would need).

 

I would present it and then give them the courtesy of making their own decisons. They should not feel forced by the majority to do something they have decided not to do for whatever reason.

 

Maybe you all have missed something or are not being told something or are receiving part of the truth so they can maintain some dignity.

[usha]

Wow! It really sounds like you've gone way, way, WAY out on a limb to try to accommodate this woman!!! You do what you can, and then you can't really do any more.

I am with the "give her the choice, but give her a deadline" thinking. Then, let her decide within that timeframe, and let it go.

(:D Wish you were MY relative!)

[Nick Needs To Know]

I've been following this thread and, I'd like to add a possibility here - of the reason she might be balking.

 

If you invited some of her family members along (I am by no means implying you to pay for them), do you think she'd be more willing to go? Perhaps she just feels out of place in a very "Americanized" situation.

 

Please don't flame me, it's only a thought!

[SanFranBayCruiser]

Nick - you've blown me out of the water! Why didn't any of us think of this possibility? You might be very right! I'm sure some, if not most, of her relatives would love to join the party - and they would be great company!

 

It's worth a try! Thank you so much for the suggestion!! :D

[JXOPF]

Print out this entire thread and mail it to her. Let her see herself in the "real" light.

 

P.S. Does her husband have any pride or comments in this drama?

He is apparently sitting back accepting freebies (twice) from his extended family. Such a deal. I could put up with a grump, too, for free upgraded cruises, excursions and airfare.

They've got it made.

 

Meanwhile, you and the sisters are allowing youselves to "own" this lady's problems. Why? Tune her out and see to your own good time. You've earned it!

[usha]

SanFranBayCruiser, I hope you'll let us know how this all works out! :D

[Allis154]

Having had to 'convince' a relative recently to travel with us, and picking up their tab as well, I would have to say 'never again!'. If they want to go, they would not need convincing. If they do go, they are more apt to complain about everything because they don't really want to be there. And, because they are not out any money, are more likely to cancel at the last minute, leaving you holding the bag, or in this case, the receipts!

[jukeboxy]

Lay a heavy guilt trip on her.

 

"We really want you to come so the whole family can be together. It will not only hurt us that your not there but we feel your husband is very important to us. For him to miss such a trip would hurt him and us but that is YOUR choice to hurt everyone."

 

It that does not work she is not worth the effort and you should let her husband know he can come without her. After all this is a family trip and she does not want to be part of it @#$^%@#&@$ her.