Help, Mother's Dilemma

[Brenda33]

Ok, I am considering a cruise with my husband in November....but not taking our 4 year old or 17 year old. The 17 year old doesn't want to cruise with the folks, but the 4 year old is crying and saying he will miss me. I realize this is not exactly a "cruise" question, but I really could use some input from all you parents out there. I really want to get away and take a break, but is it being cruel to the kid? Thanks for all your help. :)

[cruizinwithkids]

No it's not cruel. One time when we did it we left a small present for each day. The presents were all wrapped and each kid (we have two) opened a present each day. This was really to help them with the timing of when we would be back. The presents were all inexpensive. The biggest one was a beanie baby. There was a box of animal crackers for each one day. I can't really remember, but the point was I didn't spend a lot on the presents and it helped them pass the time.

[maurick]

Why not take the 4 yr old and let her enjoy the children's program?

[Lobbylin]

I personally don't have children, but to me it really depends on how long you plan to go for, whether your 4yr old has ever spent some significant time away from you before, and who will be looking after them and how good is the relationship between these people and your youngest.

 

Is there some way you can do a few trial weekends beforehand to guage the childs eventual reaction? You could always book a cabin with a sofa bed and then you "add" the child to the itinerary later? ;)

 

I like the idea of the small presents each dayas youngsters do have difficulty judging time.

 

I don't think it's wrong to want some free time, but your child (and you) have to be comfortable with it. :)

[Brenda33]

Thanks guys. I don't want to take my 4 year old son because I took him on a cruise last year and well lets just say it was stressful. He whined and cried alot....he complained at dinner....yet he didn't want to go to the kids club except for sleep time. He wanted to do everything with us, but then was a "Dennis the Menace". Its just his personality. He's a great kid, but he's challenging. LOL We did leave him when he was 1 and 2. But at that age he didn't understand as much. He will be in great hands. My daughter, 17 and son, 23 will be the official babysitters. My mother in law lives next door and will be contributing and my neighbors are all signed up as well. Everyone will be looking out for them. Oh, I am planning on taking him next November on a cruise with us and we just got back from Wildwood, so he gets his share of vacations too. :)

[maurick]

I can understand. It seems like he will have great family members taking care of him. I think little gifts everyday is a great idea too. Go and enjoy!

[jenwolgey]

As a mom to 2 (DD, 11 and DS, 6)...I say, GO! We've cruised with and without our kids, and I had a far more relaxing time without them. That is not to say that I didn't enjoy the cruise when they were along, I did! He will be in good hands with people he knows and loves (very important for him and for your peace of mind). If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of everyone else! Moms (and dads) need down time-I think it is essential to your sanity and your marriage. Our kids enjoy land-based vacations more, anyway, and it sounds like your little guy might be the same way. Good luck! Jen

[Lobbylin]

Brenda33, sounds like you have everything covered, so go have a good time. How nice to have a wonderful family group around you to allow you that option.

 

Dealing with children can be a bit of a mind game, and you need to try and convince him that he's got some treats to look forward to himself whilst you are away. Eg 2wks before you go, give him crayons and a colouring book containing pictures of animals, with the promise of a day at the zoo with your MIL whilst you are away etc

 

I can laugh now, but my parents told me years later that when they had to go out for the evening and wanted me in bed earlier than usual, they'd wind forward the clock by 1 hour...:D

[green eyed lady]

Hi Brenda,

I think you should just go and have a great time!!!

Jen

[Nebr.cruiser]

I say go and enjoy yourself. Only you know your child, but generally it can be beneficial for children to learn a little independence. After all, he'll be going to school next year. You have familiar, loving people lined up to care for him and I bet he'll be fine.

 

I think it's important not to let him make too big a deal of this. Some kids can get very manipulative with making their parent feel guilty. A couple of my grandkids are VERY good at this. I have to laugh at the crying, whining, etc. when their parents leave them with us for a night out. Almost always, as soon as the parents drag themselves away from the whining, sobbing kids and the car pulls out of the driveway--like magic, the tears and whines disappear and the kids settle down and have a great time.

 

So don't let him go on and on about this. Tell him that you'll be gone a few days very matter-of-factly, and don't buy into his histrionics. As soon as you nip that in the bud (refuse to listen, immediate time out at the second whine) the better off you will all be--him included.

 

Go, have a great time and enjoy your time alone. You deserve it.

[billie5]

It saddens me to read a posting like this. So many parents seem more concerned in being their children's friend than their teacher, that it almost seems normal for a parent to be asking if they should allow a 4 year old to manipulate them into conditions for taking a vacation.

 

Of course, the posted replies are both wise and compassionate. The issue should be the enjoyment of the parents and the education of the children, not whether or not the 4 year old cries (or the 17 year old does not "want" to go). The difficulty in the parents following the replies, however, is that it is not so easy to suddenly behave like a parent after years of behaving like a friend -- not easy for the children to understand or for the parents to change. But one has to start somewhere.

 

As our first born child was (and is) severely handicapped, we never had the luxury of coddling our two younger children, but I can not imagine any circumstances under which we would have allowed the children to determine how we vacationed. When our children were 7,4 and 1 we did take them with us for an extended trip in Italy -- which turned out to be educational for all of us. On the other hand, when they were 15, 12, and 9, we did not hesitate to leave them with our saintly sister-in-law for nearly four weeks while we were in Asia. Both strategies worked out just fine, and the children learned different life skills from the different experiences. (Of course, not everyone has an angel of a sister-in-law who will take in 3 kids for nearly a month)

 

Brenda, do what will be the best for you and the best learning experience for the youngsters, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your children a favor.

 

Bill

[PJBUCHEIT]

Ok, I am considering a cruise with my husband in November....but not taking our 4 year old or 17 year old. The 17 year old doesn't want to cruise with the folks, but the 4 year old is crying and saying he will miss me. I realize this is not exactly a "cruise" question, but I really could use some input from all you parents out there. I really want to get away and take a break, but is it being cruel to the kid? Thanks for all your help. :)

 

Brenda,

I can totally releat to your feelings. When DH and I took our first cruise back in Feb of this year, I was leaving our 2 year old daughter for the first time since she was born. I also left my three other children, the are much older then the 2 year old. I worried about her so much the whole time we were gone. Even allowing my worring to ruin my last day at sea. BIG MISTAKE! I worried for no reason what so ever. She did fine the entire time I was gone. I say you and your DH treat your self to a much needed vacation and bonding time for each other. Your 4 year old will do just fine. Have a great vacation.

[MauiLvrs]

I really want to get away and take a break, but is it being cruel to the kid? Thanks for all your help. :)

No it isn't cruel or even selfish. We always try to get away every year (or at least every two years) by our self to rejuvenate or relationship and reconnect.

It is an important part of keeping our relationship strong and fresh.

 

 

Why not take the 4 yr old and let her enjoy the children's program?

Because,as she said, she wants to get away...

[2Cruise4Ever]

When DH and I were on our honeymoon on the SS Norway (may she rest in peace), we encountered a young woman with her husband and 3 children (all under the age of 6). I sat next to her on one of the tenders and commented about how blessed she is for bringing such young children on a cruise and that she must be exhausted. She told me she never goes anywhere without her children. I thought to myself how sad for her marriage. My hubbie and I have gone away by ourselves several times. It was a promise we made to each other before we got married. We have taken our kids on many land-based vacations and one cruise (another one next summer - yea!). But, we also realize that WE are the most important to each other and that we never let our kids come between us. We, also, leave small presents behind for our kids while we're gone. That way, they know we're still thinking about them. We feel it's important for our kids to see us putting each other as a priority.

 

As another poster said, we are not our kids' friends. We are their parents and what we say goes. We do allow for some negotiation. But, we still have the final word. Now, neither one of the kids whine when we tell them we're going away. They see it as an adventure, too. They get to stay with people whom they love and they always have a good time. That's not to say that they don't come running into our arms when we return. They always miss us and we miss them. But, it's nice to have one or two nights where I don't have to cut up someone's meat and have an uninterrupted adult conversation with the man I love. :)

 

Go, have a great cruise! :D

[Brenda33]

Thank you so much to all you wonderful parents!! I did, indeed, book the cruise for DH and myslef this morning! We are cruising on Dawn 11/05. I simply can't wait!!! And, most importantly, I know my children will be just fine without me here for the week...... YIPPEE!!! I'm Cruising!! :)

[DukeFamily]

I see you've made your decision (the right one I think), but I thought I'd chime in anyway! November is a loooooong way off to a four year old. I'd spend the time between now and then NOT sharing with her YOUR trip and plans, but if you share anything at all, share what fun adventure you have planned for HER.

 

My sister dealt with her kids this way when they were young, and it worked beautifully. She never even told the kids of vacation plans during the planning stages. She'd wait till a day or two before and THEN tell them, "tomorrow we're going to (fill in the blank)". You know how kids are, in their minds, things happen either today, yesterday or tomorrow, so she just made that simple concept a reality for her kids and it worked like a charm. Even with big things like a cruise or trip to Disney World.

 

Have fun!!

[MauiLvrs]

Thank you so much to all you wonderful parents!! I did, indeed, book the cruise for DH and myslef this morning! We are cruising on Dawn 11/05. I simply can't wait!!! And, most importantly, I know my children will be just fine without me here for the week...... YIPPEE!!! I'm Cruising!! :)

You'll still miss em... We did and still miss em and their 19 & 22. And we come back refreshed, rejunivated, with a much greater appriciation for our kids. We also enjoyed family vacation more after our break together. When we escaped by our selves, the kids new that there was a family trip coming sometime in the near future, it it wasn't first. After a while do you wnat to go to Disneyland or wherever didn't work anymore.

 

We were on the Sun for our 20th anniversary and had a blast and loved the ship. We're planning on the Crown next year for our 30th, we'll see how we like the super ship (but not expecting to like it nearly as much and the more intimate Sun class ships).

Have a great cruise.

[scubalisa]

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your child is keep your relationship strong with your husband. Taking a little time away will give you two time to reconnect, and you will likely be happier and all more at ease at home. Go and enjoy the company of your husband. Your little one will be fine! When we go, we leave a note each day telling where we are and what we are doing. We end it with something like "We can't wait to see you in only 3 more days..." We try to call about halfway through, and leave little wrapped dollar store gifts for our girls to open each day with clues in our daily note about what the gifts might be. Have fun!

[Macguyver]

We just booked our first ever cruise without our kids and are looking forward to it. Our 13 year old son is taking it in stride and is actually planning to ask his friend's mom if he can stay with them while we are gone. Works for me since his mom and I have been friends our entire lives. Our daughter is probably going to be staying with my in-laws for the week. She is only 9 and is complaining a bit and right now, I"m not sure if it's this wanna-be-spoiled-princess trend I'm trying to nip in the bud or if it's a form of I'm-going-to-miss-my-mommy.

 

One thing we are doing is flying instead of driving (I think, still undecided but the cruise is almost a year away). Usually we drive down to Florida because flying 4 people is just so expensive but it's time consuming. We give ourselves an extra day on the way down so 3 down, 2 coming home with 7 day cruise = 12 days away!

 

I plan to pre buy stamps and postcards to send to both kids while we are gone but by next year, the kids may not need that kind of thing from us. We'll see.

 

Enjoy your cruise with your husband. I think we will both enjoy our time with our kids all the more when we get back home!

[dolphins76]

When my kids were 3,4,6 my hubby and I left for 8 days to Mexico for a wedding we were standing up in. We left all 3 kids with my 4 sister in laws. I was nervous but we had a blast and so did the kids. We made a deal with them we would right in a journal about thigs we did every day but they had to do the same. We had not one complaint..we missed each other of course but it gave them a lil vaca without the boss's around.

 

 

Jayme

[bplazo]

I have the opposite situation. I like to cruise with my daughter and leave the husband at home.

[Onessa]

I work with kids in a variety of situations. I see some kids who are excited to be away from their parents for a few days, while other kids are genuinely stressed out. While some of this has to do with the circumstances of who they are staying with during the parent's absence, some of it is due to the child's personality. Only you can answer whether your son's reluctance to see you leave him for a few days is rooted in a simple fear of the unknown or if he will truely be stressed.

 

Best of luck with your cruise Brenda and your decision.

[crusinmama06]

I have the opposite situation. I like to cruise with my daughter and leave the husband at home.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Me too! I'd rather take my girls any day of the week and see the excitement in their eyes than have my husband roll his eyes and complain about "another cruise" :rolleyes: