Regent's future plans, really?

I was recently in Miami walking along the bay front where many cruise ships dock and found what looked like a press release draft regarding Regent’s future plans stuck to my shoe. The document wasn’t in the best condition but here’s what I gleamed from it:

From the AF newswire:

Apparently Regent Seven Seas has long term plans to eventually replace the current fleet of vessels with new ones. New vessels will be derived from features found on the existing vessels. The first which combines aspects of the Mariner and the Navigator, tentatively called the RSSC Marinator, will be built on an existing hull salvaged from a former Soviet nuclear submarine. According to engineering sources, this will allow for the added benefit of irradiating fresh produce stores onboard and potentially the complete elimination of the norovirus.

Anticipating future passenger profiles, cabin hallways will be wider to accommodate dual direction passenger traffic without the need to turn sideways and for longer trips, the reintroduction of steamship sized trunks on rollers.

The second ship will combine aspects of the Voyager and the Explorer and will be tentatively called the RSSC Voyeur. The vessel will be a new build and feature some innovations never tried before in the hospitality industry, let alone cruising. The Voyeur will have higher observation lounges to allow the introduction of what Regent is calling “Urban Fjord Cruising”. The idea here is to introduce passengers to an often overlooked feature of our planet: man made canyons as found on the East river in New York and shores near Newark, New Jersey. Insiders say, this is a completely new idea and may appeal to passengers from the South Island in New Zealand, and Norwegians who live near fjords and have only imagined the man-made kind. Industry experts claim that these under serviced markets may boost the first time cruiser pax count to well over one hundred per anum. It is assumed that the increased height of the Voyeur will permit passengers and lecturers to view and describe the scenes of natives in their apartment dwellings going about their daily lives. Proposed additions to the viewing areas will include room keycard operated binoculars with digital photo capabilities where users can happily snap photos and transfer them through the ship’s wifi to their personal devices. Initially Titanium Platinum and Gold passengers will get this free but Regent is considering promotional packages for concierge suites and above. A long time cruise passenger was quoted as saying: “it’s a cultural aspect that sure beats breaching whales and eagle’s nests!” Tentative itineraries position this at the beginning and tail ends of the New England foliage cruises. In addition to the standard specialty restaurants there will be an additional venue, tentatively named Primo 0 where the theme of “no shoes, no shirt required” echoes the continuing trend in the industry for the epitome of casualness.

In the name of efficiency and undoubtedly cost cutting measures, three person cabins will be introduced with the capability of transforming the bathtub into a third birth. Proposed slogans include “Ahoy Captains, now all-inclusive means you can bring along a mistress other than the sea”.

There are some discussions with noted engineering firm Equine Engineering to introduce “wet rooms” in some of the butler suites and to do away entirely with the separate bath and shower. The room would meet water tight specifications and allow the passenger to be wetted down optionally by their butler operating the flex hand shower. This fits nicely with the projected future sizes of cruise passengers and negates the size restrictions current shower and tubs have. The passenger can be air dried by taking advantage of the same vacuum pump system the onboard toilets use but reversed - another first in the industry – talk about drip dry!

Pending government approval, the RSSC Voyeur will have a specialized launch appropriately named the “Poser”. This is a 201 ½ passenger vessel (the assumption is that the half passenger is probably for a child or a small member of the crew) primarily used in tender only destinations. The launch will be mounted on a slide in the stern and propelled from the Voyeur by a clever re-use of the ships solid waste evacuation system (another eco-friendly first for the industry). A tow line attached to the Poser will allow the launch to be reeled back to the ship in a similar way to reeling in a limp yoyo. According to the engineers this allows the Poser to quickly ferry passengers to and from shore without spending any money on fuel and propulsion. According to the accountants at Regent this will provide a more cost effective way to deal with ports with inadequate berthing facilities and may open up new seasonal destinations such as the Harlem River in New York and sought after destinations such as the picturesque ship processing beaches in Bangladesh.

Undoubtedly these plans will set Regent apart from its competition and will elevate the brand to five ¼ star status as well as making them the uncontested cruise line to watch!

BTW: I looked up what the AF newswire is: April Fool’s - wishing everyone a belated one!;;)

Timbuktu123, thanks for sharing your creative & original Regent humor--enjoyed your post.

:cool: what a good laugh on this sunny afternoon!