Jetdriver787

Los Pináculos Anyway, that wasn't really the subject I wanted to address today. I think my Scurvy might have developed into Haemophilia? After emerging from the shower this morning, I dried myself only to find the towel looked like it had been used to hastily clean up a particularly grizzly murder scene. Now it probably didn’t help that the towel was still contorted into the shape of what I believe was an Elephant? However, it was the only one I could find, as my wife seems to need at least 7 of the damn things every time she takes a bath! last night we watched a show, rather paradoxically, entitled “Love & Marriage!” One of the questions was, “what Is your partners most annoying habit?” With the benefit of hindsight, I think my answer would be using so many towels to simply bathe! I would previously have said it was her predilection for lighting up the fruits of Sir Walter Raleigh’s gifts of discovery from the new world! As a family we have often been curious why she smokes Potato’s? Anyway, I digress….. After googling “Haemophilia” my wife said, “you’ve been shaving hairs off your ears with a safety razor again……idiot!” Now there may be a soupçon of truth in that, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt! Nevertheless, my “Googling” (as it so often does,) brought forth a cornucopia of interesting information. It seems Haemophilia was rampant amongst European royalty in both the Middle Ages and even into quite recent times. That in turn segued on to diseases that decimated secret societies in the 15th century. From an offshoot of the illuminati, there sprang forth a little known band of nobility that went under the title of “Los Pináculos.” Members of this sect were required to have completed many nautical ventures and tended to stick together with like minded others of their ilk. Columbus would undoubtedly have had a few, on the 3 great ships of the expedition to discover the new world. Attracted by the treasures in the ships vault: Gold; Platinum; Emerald; Diamond, and even Diamonique. Though few in number and fiercely secretive, they might be discovered by their predilection to occupy all of the porthole seats at “Carnivores corner” every breakfast time, as well as their rush to occupy all of the best benches on the poop deck (which isn’t what you think it is, and even if it was, it’s unlikely Chris’ would have stung you for 100 bucks to unblock it!) every Rum tot and Sherry ration, between 5 and 8pm! Sadly, in the 15th century, influenza wiped out many members of the sect. Forward to the 21st century and thanks to “influencers” the sect has prospered and grown exponentially! Indeed, on an Ocean crossing it isn’t unusual to find hoardes of them swamping the “First class lounges, dining halls” and other venues of free alcoholic refreshment. Although influenza isn’t the threat it once was, the modern affliction of serious memory impairment has supplanted the older threat! it is not unusual to find members telling crew and other travellers “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” When having to wait in line or when finding their favourite seating spot otherwise occupied. Indeed, the problem became so severe, that some years ago silver medallions with their name emblazoned on them, were pinned to their lapels, so that they wouldn’t forget! If you see one today, please spare a kind thought! For aficionados of the movie “Titanic,” I don’t know, but am convinced, that the chap who was betrothed to Rose (before she jumped into the back seat of that jalopy with Jack,) was almost certainly “Los Pináculos!” Not only that, but I am pretty sure I know what her answer to the “whoopie” question would have been on White Stars popular “love & Marriage” game show! I have often wondered why, given the size of that wardrobe door Rose was floating on, she didn’t simply scoot across and make room for Jack? Instead he simply closed his eyes and peacefully slid into the abyss of the inky black ocean. I’ve always assumed that just out of camera shot, he saw a lifeboat full of “Los Pináculos” rowing towards them? I suppose we will never know?

Good morning from a part of the ocean where my ancient charts show “there be dragons” (well I suppose my wife is here?🤷‍♂️) If you’re in a Florida school library I expect you will find it in the “Geography” section? In any event, it’s been a rough night with the ship rolling and heaving. My wife has been reading some sort of romantic nonsense entitled “Fifty shades of Grey.” When I enquired if she was off to have her hair coloured again, she slammed shut the pages of her trashy tome and gave me a reassuringly withering scowl. To be honest I didn’t know there were 50 shades of Grey but as my underwear has once again been returned from the “Wash & Fold” I am happy to stand corrected! (Something I haven’t said since finding my right orthopaedic shoe at the back of the wardrobe!) My apologies that this thread seems to have deviated into a diatribe on the English towns of Oxford and Cambridge. I am not sure quite how that happened? All you really need to know is that there are a couple of posh schools and they have a boat race every year (despite the fact they both have rivers) 50 miles away in the London borough of Putney! Having said that, my wife comes from Cambridge, so perhaps they can best be likened to the great commonwealth of Massachusetts, and more specifically the hamlet of Salem! I think that rather like “Sticky Toffee pudding” and Stonehenge, they garner a greater fascination for our colonial visitors than they do for the indigenous peoples?

Well, I wouldn’t like to say the demographic of this sailing is of the elongated tooth variety, but 72 would still get you into “Adventure Ocean!” I think they have opened a whole new category called “Octonauts!” 👍🥂

I don’t think it’s worth sweating over? 🤷‍♂️

Bank of America indeed!!! 🤦🏻‍♂️ All I can say is, don’t ever go in there to make a withdrawal when you are suffering with Laryngitis!!! 🤷‍♂️

In Olden days it would be a tithe that amounted to “alms for the poor!” Nowadays it’s a corporate bonus extracted from your “arms and their pores!”

Just ran this through “Google Translator” and it’s told me I have to pay $25 for the AI version? 🤷‍♂️

Well……it’s day 5 of this odyssey from The Kingdom of the Catalans to the New world, in the wake of the “please put your hands together” great Christopher Columbus! “One more time ladies & gentlemen let’s hear it for Christopher!” You will be pleased to know that the scurvy doesn’t appear to have gotten any worse, and in any event it isn’t listed as one of the things I need to telephone the medical centre on Deck 1 and report! Now, I’m not sure what entertainment Chris had organised on the Santa Maria, the Nina and the Pinta, but as the Spanish Inquisition was in full swing at that time, It’s hard to imagine anything as painful today! That said……… The singer we took on board the other day has perhaps offered a flavour of those earlier times? She has yet to proffer a rendition of “Iron maiden,” but I would certainly consider ensconcing myself in one, given a choice of the two. In the modern era it’s hard to find anybody since the likes of Florence Foster Jenkins that has provoked quite such an equivalent emotional reaction. Apparently bleeding ears isn’t something you need to report to the medical centre either? 🤷‍♂️ That said, some of the entertainment is really very good. There is a chap giving a series of excellent lectures on the “Titanic” and I am reliably informed there is also a Catholic priest onboard? I am not sure if this isn’t a tad pessimistic, but possibly the priest was brought onboard to administer the last rites to the asparagus? In fairness, the fruit and veg’ has improved in leaps and bounds since the emergency uplift in Malaga! Finally, today, please let me apologise once again for the terribly small font I seemingly used in the first post. The wonderful moderators at Cruise Critic have told me “this is your final warning!” No wait….wrong mail! 🤦🏻‍♂️ They have told me they cannot do anything about it. I think it may have been a result of using “pages” to compose the prose? I find that this phone rather annoyingly “autocorrects” not only every other word I write, but rather complete sentences! So much so that unless I stop and re-read every third word, even I can’t understand what I have written! Apparently the inventor of “autocorrect” died recently so I can only say “May he rust in piss!”

At least it would be “all shook up!”

From Southampton, we lose thousands of pounds on every Transatlantic cruise! 🤷‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🛳️

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the adjective: naive as “showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgement.” Curiously the reverse spelling is “Evian!” Something I unwisely shelled out over 30 bucks a box for! 🤦🏻‍♂️

Just had dinner, and after being the 50th person today to ask the waiter “Did you get off the ship today?” His reply was that they did not as there was an unscheduled catering uplift. Strangely, this afternoon I walked through the buffet (something they have asked me to stop doing, in favour of using the walkways!) and I noticed the Bananas were looking distinctly fresh and healthy. Tonight’s Panna cotta even had a full (adolescent if not fully adult) Strawberry atop of it! The Merlot was back in stock. If I didn’t know better, I might think a certain “Mr Jason” was scrolling through CC as he was munching through his Muesli at the balcony table of his Miami penthouse apartment this morning! 🤷‍♂️

Thank you Ret MP. Your words are very kind if ill deserved. I’m a little apprehensive concerning your last sentence? I feel I have prepared thoroughly for this voyage by reading the Dutch Settler Peter Minuit’s 1626 treatise on the West India Company’s $24 purchase of the Island of Manhattan. Although I hadn’t brought beads and trinkets with me, fortuitously there is a sale at the Centrum shops on Deck 6 tonight, where I should be able to rectify that omission. Coupled with the purchase of something called a “Fridge magnet,”. I also hope to avail myself of a 15% “Diamond discount voucher?” I realise that there has been a little inflation since 1626, so I have also procured a box of overstocked red caps with the phrase “Make the New World Grate again!” Embroidered on them. I realise the spelling is erroneous, but they did come from a Cheese distributor in Amsterdam! I feel presenting these gifts before your officials at the port of entry should smooth my passage greatly. I’m also reliably informed that they are always on the lookout for imported fruit and vegetables, but sadly this ship is not a good resource for such exotic gifts. I have also ticked the box to confirm that I have never been convicted of “Moral turpitude!” To be honest I had to look that one up, and while my denial stands true, I do have to say it sounds like an enormous amount of fun!

Yet my wife has no trouble? 🤷‍♂️

Sorry! (another National trait!) I wrote this on my phone in default mode and it looks normal when I view it? I think RCI’s IT department (yes, hilarious I know) may be hacking my account? I’ve asked Cruise Critic for assistance. Failing that, I will email NASA and see if they have time available on the “Hubble?”

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety two, Columbus sailed the Ocean blue. In Twenty Hundred and Twenty Three, It seems the time is ripe for me! It’s taken 531 years for me to follow in the footsteps of the great Christopher Columbus and set sail on an epic voyage of discovery, across the ocean from the sleepy fishing village of Barcelona to the tiny hamlet of what I believe the native people call “Tam-pa” on the SouthEastern shores of the new world! My wife says 531 years isn’t bad considering how long she has been waiting to have the cabinet door under the Kitchen sink fixed? 🤷‍♂️ Anyway, Kris assembled 3 ships: The Pinta of the seas; The Nina of the Seas, and the Santa Maria of the seas, financed by king Ferdinand and Queen Isabella in order to embark on his 90 day voyage of discovery. Today we have financed King Jason of Miami in order to embark on ours! It does occur to me that Kris’ went to a lot of trouble and expense to simply procure a carton of 200 cigarettes and a Potato! Or was that the other guy? I get them confused. Can never remember whether Raleigh brought the Potato back or the Bicycle? (That will only mean anything to my older British readers!) I’m not sure what became of Christopher’s 3 ships? I suspect they were sold to Tui cruises who continue to use them to this day? A few followers of these non-contentious nautical scribes might have stumbled across a recent missive where I (hopefully with great subtlety) bemoaned the paucity and quality of the fruit on this villainous Galleon. As a “Limey” I was concerned to notice a small Patch of dry skin on my forehead during my morning ablutions earlier this day! I spent half the morning “googling” the early onset symptoms of Scurvy, even though it’s only day 3 of the voyage! It appears that this vessel’s master, a Nordic sea dog of fearsome repute, known for his obsession with the times the sun rises and sets over the yardarm, and reciting a string of numbers he calls “co-ordinates,” (incidentally I used yesterdays numbers in the UK lottery and won £10, so that’s the cost of that “Louis Vuitton” handbag covered! 👍) Anyway, it appears he boarded a songstress to entertain my fellow voyagers! Now, I know that much like food, entertainment is a very subjective thing, but oh for the love of God!! They say that even a stopped clock is right twice a day! I don’t think this young lady hit the right key once? At first I was worried that I was going deaf! By the end of her set I was worried that I wasn’t! Anyway, todays a new day and I woke with a spring in my step and a song in my heart! Whatever that songstress did, it seems to have cured my chronic tinnitus! Clothed only in my newly coloured (Wash & Fold) boxer briefs, I threw open the balcony door much to the shock of the young Filipino chap who was painting the balcony. Not really knowing what to say, I blurted out…..”JACK…..PAINT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH WOMEN!!!” My wife then appeared behind me and (rather unkindly I thought) said “He can’t……He only has 3 tins of paint!” Anyway he hastily gathered his tools and brushes and backed through the partition door and we haven’t see him since? Another of our British idiosyncrasies is our aversion to meeting people we know twice in a short span of time. This is best exemplified in a supermarket where we meet someone we know and then spend the rest of the shopping trip hiding in various aisles so that we don’t run into them again! I mention this because, on a ship it is extraordinarily difficult to assuage this cultural necessity. In fact, I am writing this in the main theatre! If you were wondering how I achieved this oasis of solitude, I wrote a sign saying “Quiet please……Singer rehearsing!” Haven’t seen a soul! 🤷‍♂️

As she started the first song I was worried that I was going deaf! As she finished, I was worried that I wasn’t! 🤣🙏🏻

1. “Have you lost your sense of taste?” If YES you will love the MDR. (my wife says I lost mine years ago! 🤷‍♂️)

We could charter to Boston harbour and dump all that bloody awful Liptons Ice tea in it?

When she started 🎼”Chills….they’re multiplying’ 🎼 I can only say she wasn’t the only one! The only relief came when she forgot the words! The drummer was behind a Perspex screen which I assume was to protect him in case an assassins bullet missed its mark?

“Beginning?” I’ve just heard a singer so bad that I had to visit Deck One, as my ears started bleeding! People were launching the lifeboats themselves! 👂🤦🏻‍♂️

Folks…..Thank you for tolerating me thus far. I promise this will be my last post on this thread. As I was coming out of the “My Fair lady” restaurant this evening, I found myself humming the tune to “On the Street where you live!” 🎼 I have often sailed, On these seas before, But the fruit and veg’ Included strawberries before! All at once am I, Eating Key Lime pie, Knowing that’s all the fruit That there is! There are lilac stripes, And some grey I’m told. On my undies which were white Before the “Wash & Fold!” Now it seems to me, Even though it’s free, That is not from the “fruit” of the loom! And oh… the powerful feeling, When I see some veg’ that is fresh. And so… Bananas are peeling, Looks like they hiked from Bangladesh! People stop and stare, They don’t bother me! Wearing pants is oft forgot When you are Sixty Three! Still I may be old, And the steaks gone cold, But I’m still on a ship on the sea! 🎼 (With apologies to Jay Lerner & Fred Lowe!)

Oh! The irony! 🤣

“Nothing strawberry related on the menu tonight but there is vegan asparagus… can’t wait for your deconstruction of that one!” Hmmm! In fairness they hadn’t bisected the asparagus, but it was carefully hidden behind a veritable forest of Rocket! (Arugula for our friends from the New world!) Unlike Sir Elton John, I’m not much of a Rocket man! Anyway, fruit and veg’ aside, the staff have all been lovely. You can only imagine my surprise when, after dinner, they all presented me with an envelope completely stuffed with cash! It seems, the waiters, chefs, bar staff, housekeeping and somebody called the “purchasing manager” had all pooled a months worth of tips so that I could cruise on another ship! Any other ship! I mean how sweet is that? Even my wife had chipped in! I didn’t have the heart to tell them that we were already booked on the continuation of this cruise to the New World! I can’t wait to see their faces light up tonight at dinner!

🤣 I think they were all protesting the EU? Obviously not something we British would do! 🤷‍♂️🤣 I was very impressed with the fact that everybody clearly possessed a beautifully uniform and well laundered flag. The street bag sellers were visibly relieved that the police were otherwise occupied! looking forward to Dinner as all I can taste is glue from licking those envelopes! 🤷‍♂️