I am just sick about this....

[sandryNYC]

I hope I don't offend anyone, but here are my thoughts.

 

I was born, grew up and schooled in Europe, where activities such as cheerleading are unknown of. When we go to school, we study all the time. Very few students take part in extracurricular activities and almost none of these are sponsored by the school, nor are they required for college/university admissions.

 

When I moved to the U.S., I was in high school. I had no extracurricular activities or sports to enter on my college applications. However, I did have terrific academic preparation. I managed to enroll in a highly prestigious private university with a scholarship. In college, I met many people who did not have many extracurricular activities or sports to their name; they all managed fine.

 

Therefore, one can go to college, including a good college, without killing herself to do every activity in the book to beef up a future college application.

 

With regards to this issue, I think it speaks to the sad state of parent-child relationships, when an activity takes over time with parents. Sure, cheerleading may be very important to this child, but she is only 9 years old. Tomorrow, boy bands will be her most important activities; who knows, maybe science and engineering will be her activities one day (I hope!). But no matter what her activities will be, she will never be able to replace the relationship and bond she has with her father.

 

It also appears from the various messages that the mother of the child pushes the child into cheerleading. It reminds me of those parents who push their children into acting, modeling or pageants. Sure, the children do these activities and they would probably all select these activities instead of a cruise with their parents, but would that be something they will regret in the future? Quite possibly.

 

In short, the mother of the child should understand that cheerleading, or any other activity, should and will always be less important than the bond this child has with her father. When her father will be long gone, she will think back of the time she spent with him on the cruise. She may not see this now, but she will later.

[ginga]

We've been in this situation many times with our daughter, now 15. She's been on many great vacations with my ex-husband, but I remember one summer when her father could not believe she did not want to go on an African Safari. She was about 10 and her AAU bb team was going to Nationals and she could have cared less about going on a safari, particularly that far from home. She was extremely upset about telling him no, he put a guilt trip on her, and whether right or wrong, it was ultimately up to me to tell him finally no. I remember my ex accused me of manipulating her to not go - something that was very, very far from the truth. (He seemed to not notice that my new husband and I would have welcomed a vacation by ourselves, which we never had!) This is not directed toward the OP but just to the other posters who think the ex-wife may be manipulative. There's often a lot more going on there and sometimes the custodial parent takes the rap.) We need to remember these are KIDS who didn't ask for these situations. Sometimes things that we think is important are not to kids, and kids don't care so much about WHERE they go with their parents but the TIME they spend with them. Now that I've got a teenager, however, that may be changing...That's why we're cruising this time...:)

[karenh1127]

No offense to anyone involved with organized sports, etc., but isn't it sad that a 9 year old has to be forced to make a decision like this? Choose between a MANDATORY camp and a family vacation otherwise she cannot be part of the team? This is indicative of the overall trend of youth sports becoming much too competitive and serious at such a young age.

 

I agree! Sports should not come before God, family, or education. I have told my sons that they cannot join any organization/sport that interfers with family time, church, or school. I also will pull them from any team if I feel their grades are not what they are capable of even if it is still acceptable from the school. Tough? You bet! The one thing I will teach my kids is that God and family are more important than anything else in this world. Education follows right behind!

[suseg]

This is just my assumption, but did it ever occur to anyone that the mother may be manipulating her with guilt (you get to go on a vacation, I don't...I paid for your cheer camp and now you will be wasting the money, etc...) and then the daughter doesn't want to go because she feels like she will be hurting the mom???

 

I hope this is a totally wrong assumption, but I have seen things like this happen before.

 

I think I agree....but my guess is that it's dad who will pay for cheer camp...not mom!

 

There could be some parental jealousy going on. I am beginning to believe that if it's his time to have his daughter then the cruise it is. Sorry, but there you have it.

[halos]

It also appears from the various messages that the mother of the child pushes the child into cheerleading. .

 

That's assuming something that you shouldn't assume. It's totally unfair and the OP has stated in her posts that she has no issue with the ex-wife...and the ex-wife is a good mother.

 

It reminds me of those parents who push their children into acting, modeling or pageants. Sure, the children do these activities and they would probably all select these activities instead of a cruise with their parents, but would that be something they will regret in the future? Quite possibly..

 

From YOUR post, I am assuming that you don't have kids...you have no idea how difficult it is and the balance you have to do..like walking a tightrope...hoping that you make GOOD decisions regarding issues like this. How do you know that this child doesn't love cheering and pushes herself????

 

 

In short, the mother of the child should understand that cheerleading, or any other activity, should and will always be less important than the bond this child has with her father. When her father will be long gone, she will think back of the time she spent with him on the cruise. She may not see this now, but she will later.

 

This is ONE week...I'm sure this Dad has ample opportunity the other 51 weeks a year to be a good Dad and create memories.

In short, there are two ways to look at this.

Like GNO said, this little girl has two wonderful choices...the choice should be up to her.

[sandryNYC]

Actually, I do have a child and I and his father have taught him that nothing will ever interfere with our time together and with him getting to enjoy his childhood. He is a gifted musician, but he will never choose attending a band camp over a vacation with his parents, and he is only 8. In fact, music is the only activity outside of school and friends that he wants to participate in. We always have dinner together, we read newspapers together and we do things together as a family, without other activities butting in the way. In 10 years, this will not happen as often. He will be a better man for it and we are proud of that. I have learned a lot from him and I am glad that I do not have to spend our weekends shuttling him off from one activity to the next, as we see many parents in the U.S. do.

 

I am sorry, but I do not see how cheerleading, of all activities, should be more important than a week's vacation with one's parent. Since this child lives with the other parent, the times that this child can spend with her father are obviously limited.

 

Again, it's my opinion, but this child's placing cheerleading above all else is an example of missplaced priorities.

[suseg]

*shaking my head* Ya' know sad as this topic is, I have just the opposite situation! *L* I'm the "stepmom" (my daughter has never been an issue as she was out of college and married when I remarried) and we can't breathe without the kids wanting to be with us (the youngest two are in college). They will never leave home, they will take EVERY vacation with us, we will never go anywhere without them! It's really kind of funny....I feel like a mama robin who has to push them out of the nest, but as I've been told, it's a very comfortable nest!

 

I do think that "family" time is important, more so then cheerleading camp. It's unfortunate that this situation has occured.

[01Sweetpea]

Thanks everyone - I never expected my little "rant" to get all these repsonses.

 

In all fairness, DH and his ex haven't spoken about this. We were notified via email (as were all the other parents) by the cheer gym of what the upcoming tryout, summer, camp schedule will be. From prior experiences, we know where the importance will be placed. His ex actually tried to have it put in their revised parenting agreement that DH MUST give up his parenting time if it conflicts with ANY cheer activity.

 

The girls are coming this weekend. DH will discuss it with his ex before this. So, hopefully we'll have some resolution by the weeks end.

[newbe dave]

I am amazed at this whole discussion. To compare one team competition to a family vacation really does not work with me. The vacation is the only option. Letting a 9 year old opt out of a vacation to go to a team competition puts the priorities in the wrong order. Children in sports before high school should play for the fun of it and for the challenge of improving their skills.

 

Before you go off on me, I am a basketball coach with state and national titles. I fully understand competition at the highest levels both before and during high school. I have 4 daughters that are involved in many different athletic and other team activities (plays, etc). I would NEVER let them choose a team activity over a previously scheduled vacation. Likewise, I would never schedule a vacation when we have a previously committed team competition. And I would and have step down as coach on a team because of previously scheduled vacations. Family is too important.

 

If you want to be your best in competition, you have to put school work and family first. That is the only way that you can fully focus on your competitive activity. You need to talk to the coach.

[barbgazz]

I still think the child doesn't want to be away from her mother that long or that far away. In today's world is that so off base. When I was a kid I never wanted to sleepover or go camping because I would get homesick. Does that still happen in today's divorced world?

[CrazyMums]

His ex actually tried to have it put in their revised parenting agreement that DH MUST give up his parenting time if it conflicts with ANY cheer activity.

From the above comment, it certainly appears that the pressure is coming from the ex. If the ex is placing such a high priority on cheerleading, of course it's going to rub off on the kids.

 

I don't believe it's fair to a 9 year old to have to choose between Mom and Dad. Obviously, she knows how her Mom feels about cheerleading and I think it would be putting unfair pressure on her to make the decision.

 

I would talk to the ex and the coach. I have five children and nine grandchildren, and family always comes first with us.

[TXRoo]

From prior experiences, we know where the importance will be placed. His ex actually tried to have it put in their revised parenting agreement that DH MUST give up his parenting time if it conflicts with ANY cheer activity.

 

It's crazy that the Mom would try to get the father to give up HIS time with HIS daughters for cheerleading. That is taking it way too far. Sounds like the BM is one of those "pageant moms".

 

Sweetpea, please let us know the resolution to this matter.

[TXRoo]

I still think the child doesn't want to be away from her mother that long or that far away. In today's world is that so off base. When I was a kid I never wanted to sleepover or go camping because I would get homesick. Does that still happen in today's divorced world?

 

She's going to be with her FATHER, not some stranger. Since when did the father become less of an important parent than the mother???

[suseg]

BM must have been a very unpopular toad who is living vicariously through her "cheerleading" daughters. Harkens back to a story out of Texas, not too many years ago, doesn't it? To have an activity displace a parental visit really does state something. Sounds like a very bitter woman trying to take her hostility out on her ex, the girl's dad.

[barbgazz]

When he moved out, that's when.

[suziescruzin]

When he moved out, that's when.

 

That was UNCALLED for! Nobody knows the reason he left or she left and it's none of our business but it absolutely DOES NOT make him any less a parent then the Mother.

 

Suz

[TXRoo]

I agree with suziescruzin. Oye vey!!!

[Gingee]

I asked my sixteen year old competition cheerleading daughter what she would do in this situtation? She said she would take the camp. When I told her that the girl is nine, she shook her head and said no to the camp.

[tipfamily]

Being 25 years old, it wasn't that long ago (7 years) when my parents gave me the choice of going on a vacation with them and my 2 younger brothers. Of course I didn't want to go and stayed home. I was a teenager who "knew it all". But, oh how I regretted it years later. That was one of the final chances I had to spend with my parents together. It wasn't long after they seperated and went through a nasty divorce. But, whether it's divorce or even the unthinkable, death, that opportunity is gone forever. And if I could do it over again, I would have chosen to go with them. So, please take my experience into consideration. Even if you have to force your stepdaughter to go, she may look back years from now and be glad she did.

[Momto5boys]

I hope I don't offend anyone, but here are my thoughts.

 

I was born, grew up and schooled in Europe, where activities such as cheerleading are unknown of. When we go to school, we study all the time. Very few students take part in extracurricular activities and almost none of these are sponsored by the school, nor are they required for college/university admissions.

 

When I moved to the U.S., I was in high school. I had no extracurricular activities or sports to enter on my college applications. However, I did have terrific academic preparation. I managed to enroll in a highly prestigious private university with a scholarship. In college, I met many people who did not have many extracurricular activities or sports to their name; they all managed fine.

 

Therefore, one can go to college, including a good college, without killing herself to do every activity in the book to beef up a future college application.

 

With regards to this issue, I think it speaks to the sad state of parent-child relationships, when an activity takes over time with parents. Sure, cheerleading may be very important to this child, but she is only 9 years old. Tomorrow, boy bands will be her most important activities; who knows, maybe science and engineering will be her activities one day (I hope!). But no matter what her activities will be, she will never be able to replace the relationship and bond she has with her father.

 

It also appears from the various messages that the mother of the child pushes the child into cheerleading. It reminds me of those parents who push their children into acting, modeling or pageants. Sure, the children do these activities and they would probably all select these activities instead of a cruise with their parents, but would that be something they will regret in the future? Quite possibly.

 

In short, the mother of the child should understand that cheerleading, or any other activity, should and will always be less important than the bond this child has with her father. When her father will be long gone, she will think back of the time she spent with him on the cruise. She may not see this now, but she will later.

 

Excellent points!

[sailinglisa]

I have kept silent on this issue til now. I just read the statement "From prior experiences, we know where the importance will be placed. His ex actually tried to have it put in their revised parenting agreement that DH MUST give up his parenting time if it conflicts with ANY cheer activity."

 

IMHO, the BM is trying to interefere with the father's visitation rights, etc. She doesn't want to lose any time with DD's...she wants the father to. I think Dad should put his foot down and say she has to go on vacation. The 9 year old may not understand all that is happening between her parents, but the BM is more than manipulative! She needs to be put in her place - at least this once. Maybe the father should go to court and have it stipulated that any cheerleading experience that interferes with HIS time with the girls should be taken out of THE MOTHER's time with the girls!

 

The 9 year old should go on the previously planned vacation and enjoy it - her half brothers are also going and that is an important relationship too.

[Randy & Carmen]

OK......this little thread is all over the place so we better put this to rest......lol....I'm sure SweetPea and DH can take it from here....Let us know what happens.......Good luck.:)