Leaving Teens at Home

[herecomesthesun]

There is so much I want to say on this subject. I don't want to make it into a debate at all but I think the opinion of a 17 year old would be valuable here.

 

landlover - I don't know you or your kids so I can not possibly say that I know anything that goes on with your family. However, I do know what goes on with almost all of my friends when their parents go out of town. The parents will make strict rules just like yours and the kids will break them. I am guilty of it myself. A possible reason you came home to a clean house is because your kids had to clean the whole house after the party! I'm not saying that's what happened at all and I am not saying your kids aren't worthy of your trust. I'm just saying its possible and that often parents are oblivious to the truth. Of course that's how the kids want it. And I had to laugh when you said parents' room is off limits - I always move into my parents' room when they go out of town for a weekend. It makes me feel safer!

 

Chucksta63 - I completely agree with you. I went through a terribly bratty phase when I was probably five years old. My mom took everything out of my room and put it in a spare bedroom. I seriously had a bed and a nightstand with a lamp and that was it. If I was good, I got to go and pick one thing to get back, but if I was bad I had to put it back again. This may seem harsh but it worked. I have always completely believed my mom when she threatens to punish me. I respect her because she has proven that she will be consistent. I don't think this is anything angelic of me - I am not a model child by any means. And she wasn't a perfect parent. But we have a relationship where we understand each other.

 

Gabsabunch - If I had disrespected my parents' generoisity they would have made me stay in my cabin the rest of the cruise. They never said that but I knew from past experience it was quite possible. I usually don't act up when there is something valuable at stake, like a good time.

 

shonandsuzie - Sorry I assumed you were leaving your kids home alone! I think that you should make it crystal clear to them that if they do not respect the family and the gift you gave them, that you will make them stay in their cabin the rest of the cruise. If they are duly appreciative and respectful, they will get plenty of priveledges and can have the time of their lives on a great vacation. Don't let them walk all over you, and if you are unsure you can keep them from misbehaving on the cruise, then don't take them. It will only ruin your vacation.

 

FreesiaE - I understand where you are coming from. Especially if you have younger siblings family vacations are not always enjoyable. However, you have to look at it as a gift you are giving to your parents. Obviously it is important to them and, for them, you will only be this age once so they want to experience as much as possible with you. Also, if you do your best to brighten your attitude you can find fun things, even if parts of your vacation suck. I sulked when we went to Disney World for the first time when I was 12 or 13. It was an immature and embarrassing choice to make because I could have had a lot more fun if I'd let myself but I complained about how hot it was and how I had to smile for so many pictures. I feel terrible about how I treated my poor parents who spent all that money and energy on me. I am older now and I try to behave accordingly, though.

 

bplazo - My mom doesn't go to bed until I get home because she is a mom and that's how they are. She isn't a curfew police because I rarely break curfew but she can't sleep peacefully until she knows I'm safe in bed. The tracker thing is quite extreme, however. This is something that I think is over the top, and I am an advocate of parents being involved in their kids lives. However, rather than tracking her, why don't you talk to her frequently and communicate about what she is doing and where she is going? I call my mom almost every hour when I'm out. If I don't she calls me. We discuss my activities. When you track her like that it takes all the communication out of it. Even if you plan on communicating your daughter may feel like she is telling you something you already know or will know soon so its not having an authentic exchange. That could be very frustrating for the both of you but especially your daughter who I'm sure feels somewhat violated. There is a difference between supervision and surveilance, and while the latter may seem more convenient, for a teenager being literally tracked is hugely different than having your mom there physically or calling you frequently, even if it isn't very different for you. Also, I don't understand why you would have to have her engine disabled. If I'm grounded from driving I don't drive my car. If I did I am not sure I would be welcome back to my home and if I was, I would be in my room with no contact with the outside world for a long period of time, except for frightening parental lectures. Driving isn't worth that! So I don't see why anyone would need an electronic device to keep them from driving when they are grounded - their parents should keep them from driving. Of course I know nothing about your family or your daughter and her behavior. But if she does not have a history of serious bad behavior and disobedience, I don't see why you should have to go above and beyond normal parenting to keep your daughter in check. Just this 17 year old's opinion.

[jamandamn14]

As a tennager on a cruise you should barely see your parents, stay with them in port and eat dinner with them, why would a teenager get cranky on a cruise apart from if they hadnt made any friends?

[Gabsabunch42]

herecomesthesun, thanks you for your post. It was a very interesting read. You seem pretty wise for your age.

As I stated earlier, my daughter, 14 was so cranky on the first day, I ended up in tears by the end of the night. After she hooked up with friends, she was miserable when we were together as a family. It made me very sad. If we ever cruise again, it will have to be in a few years after she graduates and moves on because I won’t go through it again. I have something I want to ask everyone. My daughter has been ‘instant messaging’ her new friend from the cruise who is from California. The day after we got back (I’m not lying to you) she wanted to know if her new friend could fly over from California (we are in NC) to visit her on her birthday next month. Apparently this girl had already gotten the okay from her parents along with the fact that they would pay for it! This is absurd. I could not believe that my daughter would ask me this after the way she acted on our vacation! Anyway, my question is this: Would you let a 14 year old girl fly from Cal to NC unattended to stay with people you have never met (we never met her parents on the cruise, just her). I can tell you this, no way would I!:mad:

[bplazo]

Gabsabunch,

 

Your cruising experience with a teenager is so much like mine was. I couldnt believe how cranky two girls were (we let my daughter bring a friend). She didnt want to do shore excursions, didnt want to be seen with us, etc. We said never again, but decided to bring them one more time because this is my daughters last year before college. I told her that her car will be sold if she misbehaves. Otherwise, I would worry what she was up to if I left her behind.

[Gabsabunch42]

Gabsabunch,

 

Your cruising experience with a teenager is so much like mine was. I couldnt believe how cranky two girls were (we let my daughter bring a friend). She didnt want to do shore excursions, didnt want to be seen with us, etc. We said never again, but decided to bring them one more time because this is my daughters last year before college. I told her that her car will be sold if she misbehaves. Otherwise, I would worry what she was up to if I left her behind.

The big questoin is what age is it ok to go and leave them. We went up north on a road trip (hubby and I and daughter) and left 20 yo son home (he still lives at home). I left a clean house, but when we got back it was dirty and I found spills and cigarette butts outside :mad: . So never again to that..we had told him nobody in house. Stuff had been moved in my daughters room. She was furious. So...who knows when we will cruise again. :(

[Gabsabunch42]

As a tennager on a cruise you should barely see your parents, stay with them in port and eat dinner with them, why would a teenager get cranky on a cruise apart from if they hadnt made any friends?

I have no idea. dd stayed with us in port and we only ate dinner 4 nights in the dining room and she had a fit because I wanted some formal pictures taken on formal night! Moped the whole time we were in ports. Actually stood in the ocean on a nice beach with her arms crossed and that scrunched up ticked off look. We even were generous with curfew letting her stay out til 1-2:00. And she did make friends (maybe that was part of the problem, I don't know). Anyway I am very disappointed and sad about it -- Because of this I don't have fond memories of dinners or ports. I loved the times spent with hubby and my son going to shows, playing in the casino, relaxing by the pool, and playing silly games. I guess like that previous poster, she just doesn't want to spend time with family. Well, I won't push it on her any more, I can promise you that.

[herecomesthesun]

Gabsabunch - That is so sad about how your daughter ruined your cruise. I don't see why she behaved that way. I must admit that at 14 I was more prone to being moody to my parents than I am now at 17. However, they always disciplined me for it when it got the point that I was being rude or disrespectful. I don't want any of you to think my parents are drill sergeants, because they aren't. My mom is actually one of my best friends. But I really respect her authority, because if I don't, I get in big trouble. To address your question, if I had behaved the way your daughter did, I wouldn't even think to make such a request to my mom, and if I did her response would probably be, "If you had behaved properly on the cruise I would love to let you have some time with a friend you made there. But since you didn't, I am not going to reward your bad behavior. Maybe you will think of this situation next time we go on vacation and act better so you can have fun things later on as a reward." That's exactly what my mom would say. As for the other girl's parents - I agree that is a little too trusting but don't let your opinion of the other girl's family influence your desicion. Your desicion on this matter should be between you and your daughter.

 

bplazo - I think that whole "I don't want to be seen with my mom" thing is really juvenile. How old is your daughter? I did that when I was in middle school but I soon realized my mom is awesome and adorable and I shouldn't be embarrassed of her. I think the reason a lot of teens are embarrassed to be seen with their parents is because they are afraid their peers will think they don't have a normal social life - that they have to hang out with their mom rather than their friends. At some point, though, you have to stop caring what people think. I have a lot of friends but I choose to do things with my mom because she is a lot of fun, and your friends don't pay for dinner!

[bplazo]

Even if she was left behind, no matter what age, I would have a babysitter in the house. We thought about hiring one on our last night of the cruise when they snuck off the ship, in fact, I was in the guest relations line ready to inquire for one when my husband said to let them have one night left and we would restrict them at home. They would have been so humilated to have a sitter at 16.

[bplazo]

Herecomesthesun,

 

I hope that my daughter has the same sense as you do when she gets a little older.

 

I know that you think that tracking device was a little over the top, but my daughter has a problem with telling the truth. She was out driving my spare car that I kept in the garage at night when I was in bed and she was only fourteen and never had a driving lesson. Trust is a big issue and once you lose it, it is hard to get back. Believe me, I would have rather had the money in my pocket than putting that device in her car.

[herecomesthesun]

bplazo - Well, if your daughter has honesty problems, I totally understand the tracking device. For a teenager who has not betrayed their parents' trust, it is extreme, but it your unfortunate circumstances it isn't. My mom probably would have done the same or worse.

 

The teenage years are short but full of a lot of growth and change. I am an entirely different person now than I was at 14 and I'm sure by the time I'm 20 I'll be very different, so a lot of it is just growing up. When you are younger, you can't relate to others' perspectives that well, and you don't realize how your behavior affects those you love.

 

However, angsty adolescene is something modern Western culture invented, and I don't think it should be indulged too much because it just makes matters worse. You are doing right by being firm. Good luck!

[FreesiaE]

FreesiaE - I understand where you are coming from. Especially if you have younger siblings family vacations are not always enjoyable.

 

Hi!

Thanks for the response. You have a lot of good insight. I always behaved on trips, stayed out of trouble, etc.. It was just that when the time came that I could not go, I chose not to. We just like to travel differently. That's all! I hope you enjoy your next cruise :) My husband and I are getting ready to go to Malta in a few weeks, and are looking forward to that!

[Gabsabunch42]

herecomesthesun, you sound like a wonderful daughter. You parents have done a wonderful job instilling values in you. You have inspired me to really communicate better with my daughter. I think we need some time together alone this weekend to have a heart-to-heart chat about a lot of things. Sorry this has gotten a little off the topic of cruising, lol. But actually it has a lot to do with cruising, because I sincerely hope to cruise every year/year and a half, but if she is going to behave this way, we will have to not choose this as a vacation for us. On a weird note, when we take family 'reunion' trips, which is what we usually do because our family lives so far away, she does not behave this way at all, I guess because she knows she is stuck around family, lol. Thank you very much!

[Gabsabunch42]

Freesia - The way I was raised was such that my parents never took a vacation without us (actually we never really took vacations, just visited families on long weekends). I know lots of folks these days do vacation without their kids, but it is something I could never do myself because I would feel selfish, so I guess I feel that others who do this are selfish (by the way I am talking about leaving kids with relatives or something, not home alone). And my response that you perhaps should not have children stems from that. So although I may not agree with that choice (I know I am old-fashioned and in the minority), I apologize to you for saying that. And I am glad to hear that although you cared to be alone, you acted well and did not try to ruin other's vacations. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful time on your upcoming cruise!

[shonandsuzie]

It is very interesting to see where this topic (that I originally posted) ended up. It seems that we think we know what our kids/teens will enjoy but are often way off base. After reading through many of these recent posts it sounds like taking the teens on vacation is selfish on our part (parents). If they don't want to go with us and turn around and ruin it for us...wouldn't it be better to leave them with a trustworthy babysitter and go have fun? I wonder at what age these teenagers will become enjoyable and friendly and fun to take on trips?

[bplazo]

My daughter loves to cruise she just wants to do it without me. We are getting them their own room this cruise so it should cut out some of the arguments. I will just have to do extra watchfull.

[Ehpride]

Speaking as a 21 year old, I think that if you want to go without them (leaving them with a relative in the house or nearby) and feel that you can trust them, it may be worth a chance if you want to get away. In a couple of years, they're going to be going off to college or to live on their own and at some point, you have to let them prove that they can be adults to you. After all, if they go to a college that is farther away and they'd be living in a dorm, they're under no obligation to tell you where they are or what they're doing. That's not to say that you shouldn't leave them without some supervision. They might not know what to do in every situation and they are still minors. After all, if they get in trouble, you may get in trouble too. But if they don't want to go, it might be a good experience to see if they can handle the situation while they are supervised at least somewhat. They might surprise you. It is important to know what they're up to. I know some people whose parents have no idea what they do socially or who with and even as we get older, we still need some guidance.

 

Mom, Grandma and I are going on a cruise together in January (my first!). I know we'll have a good time and my mom knows that she can trust me to be responsible. They'll grow out of the teenage years and be glad for times together with family.

[herecomesthesun]

Freesia - It is obviously your perogative to not vacation with your parents once you are an adult. I was simply trying to say that vacationing with your family, and doing so pleasantly, is a gift you can give them.

 

Gabsabunch - Thank you! My parents are awesome. Please don't feel selfish by not taking your children on your vacations. My parents do things without me and my brothers all the time. Their identities are not all about being parents. They love to take us on great vacations as a family, but it isn't an obligation. They do it as a gift and we are expected to treat it as one. If your children are not duly respectful of the gift of a cruise, don't let them put a damper on something you enjoy. Continue to cruise without them!

 

shonandsuzie - I understand what you were saying but I disagree with you that taking teenagers on a cruise is selfish. It is quite the opposite! Sharing an awesome, expensive vacation with them is a wonderful, generous gift you give to your children. I agree, though, that if they aren't going to appreciate your gift, then you should just leave them at home. However, if you are doing this as a sort of punishment, make sure they are well supervised, since most of the teenagers I know (myself included) would see being left at home alone as anything but a punishment, as we have covered above. And as for what age teenagers will become enjoyable, I know that I got over the whole disrespectful and moody thing when I was about 14 but I am more mature than some teenagers, and my parents are more strict than some parents. And I still have my moody, selfish moments! So it just depends on your teenager, though the best thing you can do is be consistent and not indulge the behavior, or it may take them even longer to mature.

 

bplazo - Me and my friend are going to have our own room, too, on our cruise, though it is adjoined to my parents. We have proven ourselves trustworthy so I don't think we will problem with being too 'watched', though after Natalee Holloway my mom has said she is going to be more protective on the cruise. We are planning on doing our own thing since its my graduation trip, but I'm excited to do a lot of fun things with my family. I'm getting sad thinking about how it will be my last family vacation when I'm living at home, since I will be going to college. So even though we will have our own room I'm sure I'll want to do stuff with my family, namely my awesome mom.

 

Ehpride - You may some good points, especially about college. I think that unfortunately teenagers in America are too sheltered during high school and so they don't know how to handle being independent in the real world, even though they may feel ready. That's why its important to have a good transition, like you said. I really do think it is unfortunate that the teenage years are something to grow out of. I hope my mom can look back at my teenage years with fondness rather than being glad they are over.

[Ehpride]

You're right and I hope that my parents can too. Unfortunately, some kids have tough teenage years that they grow out of. Others have rough spots with mostly good years that they can be proud of later.

[Debbers]

After reading through many of these recent posts it sounds like taking the teens on vacation is selfish on our part (parents).

 

Taking teens on vacation is only selfish if you don't stop to consider their vacation wishes and expectations. You already know a cruise is not their dream trip; have you asked them what they WOULD like? Like nearly every other aspect of family life, successful vacations require a measure of compromise. If their dream vacation is a trip to a theme park, you could combine that with a stay at a nice resort (for example), or a beach rental. If they love camping, why not rent a cabin and take some hikes?

 

I suggest setting aside some time for a nonconfrontational family discussion, on neutral turf, in a place with no distractions. Take them out for ice cream, then raise the topic. Acknowledge that the cruise was a flop for everyone (but don't assign blame), then move on to ask what the kids would like to do. Make it clear that your goal is to give everyone a pleasant experience and a chance to unwind together, and emphasize that you love them and want to have fun with them. As everyone else has pointed out, they'll be gone soon and then you can cruise to your heart's delight.

[FreesiaE]

Freesia - The way I was raised was such that my parents never took a vacation without us (actually we never really took vacations, just visited families on long weekends). I know lots of folks these days do vacation without their kids, but it is something I could never do myself because I would feel selfish, so I guess I feel that others who do this are selfish (by the way I am talking about leaving kids with relatives or something, not home alone). And my response that you perhaps should not have children stems from that. So although I may not agree with that choice (I know I am old-fashioned and in the minority), I apologize to you for saying that. And I am glad to hear that although you cared to be alone, you acted well and did not try to ruin other's vacations. I hope you and your husband have a wonderful time on your upcoming cruise!

 

Appology accepted :)

[wtevrfltsurbt]

I have always travelled with my kids (now 27 and 13) and they have always enjoyed the trips especially the cruises. I think it may have to do with the fact that I always get them involved in the planning of each adventure! By the time we are due to board the : plane/train/ship/camel etc... they are so hyped they can't stand it. My daughter (13) is now calculating how long we'd have to save to do a 315 day round the world cruise:rolleyes: (I'll have to keep playing the lottery for that trip!) We talk about what to see and what to do on each trip, go on the net and find out about the destination or ship, choose excursions together and make sure each person has something that is interesting to them on the list. I think sometimes we forget to engage the children in our vacation planning and just inform them that "this is where we are going" and they can feel "Hyjacked" from their own plans of how they were going to spend their time off school thus making them resentful and grumpy. Just my own opinion.:o

[kitty9]

It's so refreshing to hear some completely honest talk from so many parents. On these boards, all we usually hear is how kids are perfect, never cause any problems, are straight A students (and because of that it's just fine to pull kids out of school for cruises), are perfectly behaved on every cruise and so on. Unfortunately, in this day and age of parents giving their children everything at a very early age, the kids become jaded and easily bored with everything in life---as a teacher I saw this each and every day. Personally, I just cannot understand the attitude of so many kids who are given something as wonderful as a cruise. When we were young, my parents couldn't have afforded something as great as a cruise. My dad put my younger sister's crib mattress in the back seat of the car, threw in some pillows and blankets and a picnic basket of food, and off we went to nearby places for a few days of fun, usually at a public beach. But today, as so many parents are giving the kids so much materialistically, the kids just don't seem to have the appreciation of much. Things are viewed as a right and not a privilege.

 

One of my neighbors left their teens at home to go off on a cruise---kids who were straight A's, involved in sports and supposedly happy and well-adjusted. When the parents got home, they found their home in a terrible state, their kids with tickets for underage drinking, and quite a few of their kid's friend's under arrest for DWI, after a party their kids had thrown. No matter how well-behaved your kids may be, once you leave them alone, there always seems to be one or two bad influences who come around and "persuade" your kids to do something they would never do on their own. Like they say, one bad apple....

[Gabsabunch42]

Kitty, I totally agree with your post. Peer pressure is very hard to resist.

 

 

On the advice of all of you, I decided to ask the kids about their cruise experience as opposed to other vacations we have taken and have found out that they did indeed enjoy cruising over all other types of vacations. However, they do not enjoy doing island tours, or going to beaches (sand, salt, sun too much). They are happy to get off the ship long enough to do some souvenier shopping, then get back on. This suits me fine! I was too busy worrying about keeping them entertained, that I didn’t even realize that they were content to just hang out on the ship. We loved the ship shows, just relaxing, eating, watching the ocean, etc. My daughter explained to me that she loved her to be with her new friends and that she was upset because, “I get to be with you guys all the time and only my new friends for just the week” I guess I can understand that to a point, BUT it is still not right to behave so mean to us. Family should ALWAYS come first. I don’t think it was too much to expect to have her go off the ship with us and to eat dinner with us. We let her spend all the other time with her friends. Anyway, she will be older next time and hopefully more mature. Nonetheless, I will make it known what will be expected and what will not be tolerated and there will have to be consequences. I would like to cruise again in perhaps 2007. That will give us plenty of time to plan and talk to make sure that it is what we want to do.

[busybusybusy]

"If they don't want to go with us and turn around and ruin it for us...wouldn't it be better to leave them with a trustworthy babysitter and go have fun? "

 

I agree completely. Cruises are way too expensive to not be enjoyed by everyone - teens included! When we cruised last summer, my dd was 15. She is a pretty even-tempered kid, but I made it clear that she was to eat dinner with us every night. On a couple of nights, I allowed her to get up after she had eaten, but she was there, dressed appropriately, every night. We had 2 other couples at our table, and I was not about to be embarassed! Also, I told her that she could come in late (2am), but if she didn't get up in the morning and join us for the excursions without whining and complaining, the curfew would be 11, like at home. This seemed to work well for us, I think, because I set the expectations before we left.

If you think this won't work for you, then don't even hesitate - leave her at home with your MIL and have a great time. She is safe and you can enjoy yourself!:D

[Cdelune]

...We are getting them their own room this cruise so it should cut out some of the arguments. ...

 

Bplazo,

 

Actually, it could just change the type of arguments you have. I know some people who did this and believe me, it is not a good idea! I can't go into details because I don't want to break a confidence, but as a result of the teens having their own room, unacceptable things occurred (by other teens on the ship) that the parents never anticipated -- and they are not ignorant parents.

 

They had taken their kids on two cruises before this one, but the kids were younger and they never had any problems before. The parents now say that they will never take their teens on a cruise with them again!

 

I hope this suggestion helps. I know that they would have probably appreciated this advise ahead of time.