Advice please, let kids have some freedom?

[cruisinqt]

Our kids want to have their freedom on our next cruise. This will be our 7th cruise and our 3rd one on a conquest class ship. Since they are very familiar with the layout of this ship we aren't worried about them getting lost. The oldest is 13 and the younger one is 11. They are getting a little tired of the kids club and want to be able to leave and go swimming or go to the

arcade. Any suggestions as to what rules or guidelines to set?

[boulders]

My rules would be different, depending on genders - sexist? maybe. But honestly, the dangers for girls at that age are more significant. I had children that age on my last cruise, ds was 13 and dd was 11. DS13 was allowed out on his own - to the arcade. DD11 had to be with me or her brother or a friend. No swimming by themselves. Curfew was 8 or 9 pm. If my oldest were female, I probably wouldn't allow them to travel around the ship by themselves.

[cruisinqt]

They are both girls but they will have to stay together at all times. I'm ok with them swimming because they've both had private lessons and are very competent swimmers. I was thinking about having them make out a schedule each morning letting me know where they will be throughout the day so I could check on them when needed. We will have two way radios to communicate with and we plan on eating all meals together. I've never let them have freedom like this and I was looking for ideas or suggestions from other parents on how they handled things. I'm not worried about their behavior because they are both straight "A" students and very well behaved. Their dad is 6'6" and they are both quite tall, the oldest is 5'2" so they don't even look like little kids. Thanks for your suggestions, any more advice or ideas?

[Onessa]

I always have the same "rules" for my DD (now 14YO) no matter where we go -- if she has one or more friends with, they may have independence but they must ALWAYS be together (rule is that they could at anytime reach out and touch each other). If there is a larger group -- two together at all times and ALL groups within visual of each other at all times.

 

I need to know their plans and we have firm meeting times and places throughout the day -- miss one, and they stay with me. If their plans change, they come to the cabin and write a postie note. They also know where dad and I are supposed to be and if our plans change with are also expected to update via postie (sorry 3M, I know that's not spelled right but nothing looks right postie, posty, posti?)

 

There are areas that are OFF LIMITS -- any place they are not old enough to be, anyone else's cabin (or anyone else in ours) and a few other places. No loitering in public areas (stairwells, hallways, etc.)

 

There are times we do expect to be all together and a very definate curfew.

 

The general rules also apply.

+ If you go to the buffet (or anywhere where food is served) you are there to eat (not giggle and loiter) -- take what you will eat, eat like a civilized human being, clean up after yourself,

+ If you are eating or drinking ANYTHING, do not eat or drink anything that you did not get for yourself or that has been out of your sight for any reason.

+ If anyone anything seems wierd to either of you, you will BOTH leave and find a parent or a trusted crew member -- don't be afraid to ask for help

+ Only use things for what they are intended to be used for (no playing soccer with a basketball, no fights with pingpong balls as weapons)

+ Inside voices, no screaming.

+ Independence = responsibility for yourself and your sister. YOU are responsible and will be held accountable.

 

Now all this said two things

1) I know my DD and her friends -- there are some of her friends (like one that was with us this weekend) for whom there are more rules and much less freedom (that girl is 14 going on 25YO!)

2) If DD was a DS, don't know that I'd change anything. Late tween, early teen years are just too complex.

 

Have a great trip and DO try to give the girls some independence -- the only way they will ever be able to learn how to have responsibility is to give them some freedom under controlled circumstances.

[cruisinqt]

Thanks that's good advice. My kids are just now getting old enough to have some independence and this is new territory for me. My brother was several years older than me and he watched out for me so I'm not sure how to handle this but your advice sounds good. When I booked this cruise the girls were upset about being stuck in the kids center all the time so I promised them some independence. They used to love the kids center but I think they've outgrown it. Any other ideas? I'm open to suggestions.

[valleymom]

Onessa...

 

Thanks for all the terrific ideas. Our son is 14 and other two are 8 and 6. The fourteen year old does not enjoy being "stuck" with us and his two younger sibs. I'll definitely be using some of your independence guidlines! Thanks again.

 

Along similar lines... does anyone know how the kids clubs on the ships work when at port? Can we leave the kids on the boat if we get off?

[cruisinqt]

They usually give you the choice of taking the kids with you or leaving the kids on the ship in the kids center.

[Cuizer2]

Our kids want to have their freedom on our next cruise. This will be our 7th cruise and our 3rd one on a conquest class ship. Since they are very familiar with the layout of this ship we aren't worried about them getting lost. The oldest is 13 and the younger one is 11. They are getting a little tired of the kids club and want to be able to leave and go swimming or go to the

arcade. Any suggestions as to what rules or guidelines to set?

 

You've been on seven cruises and have been a parent for 13 years. We don't know your children - you do. We don't know how comfortable you are with this requested freedom - you do. We don't know how responsible your children are - you do. We don't even know what rules you normally set for your children - you do.

 

What rules would you suggest?

 

At the very minimum I would tell then that they do not go into anyone's cabin unless one of you are with them. Also, they don't let anyone into their cabin unless one of you are with them.

 

As to the rest, it all depends on what your comfort level is.

[cantw8togo]

You have to remember that the ship is like a small city. Would you allow your kids to do certain things on board that you wouldn't let them do in a city?

 

One tip that I have read is that if your teen is in the cabin and a cabin steward or maintenance crew needs to come in, then the teen needs to leave while the crew is the cabin. Never be alone in the cabin with someone who isn't family.

 

The teen years are looming on the horizon in our house and I can use all of the advice that I can get! Thanks for great list of rules Onessa.

 

N.

[cruisinqt]

cuizer2 I know none of you know my children or what type of rules I set, or how comfortable I am giving them this freedom. It's pretty much understood that none of you know every detail of my life or how I raise my children. My request was not for you to get to know everything about me and then make a recommendation. My request was for experienced parents to tell me what rules they set for their children and to give some insight into the problems they've ran into and then I could make an informed decision for my family. :)I will listen to every suggestion and then make my decisions and rules based on my personal situation and what's best for us. Cantw8togo thanks for telling me about crew members in the cabin, I hadn't thought about that situation arising but you make a good point. We plan on spending time with our kids and checking on them often, but I'm a bit of a control freak and want to make sure everything goes smoothly when we aren't around. Thanks for the suggestions, keep them coming. :D

[MMsteffey]

When our kids were the same ages we let them roam, with limitations and a strict check-in schedule on a 14 day Med Cruise. No problems. I would recommend that you practice, not simply talk about, some (highly unlikely) situations that your kids may encounter while enjoying their freedom. Our kids know what they are supposed to do, but have found it very challenging to respond when they're actually in the situation. Actual role playing with firm voices and actually leaving the area seems to have helped. Have fun!

[kitty9]

cuizer2 I know none of you know my children or what type of rules I set, or how comfortable I am giving them this freedom. It's pretty much understood that none of you know every detail of my life or how I raise my children. My request was not for you to get to know everything about me and then make a recommendation. My request was for experienced parents to tell me what rules they set for their children and to give some insight into the problems they've ran into and then I could make an informed decision for my family. :)I will listen to every suggestion and then make my decisions and rules based on my personal situation and what's best for us. Cantw8togo thanks for telling me about crew members in the cabin, I hadn't thought about that situation arising but you make a good point. We plan on spending time with our kids and checking on them often, but I'm a bit of a control freak and want to make sure everything goes smoothly when we aren't around. Thanks for the suggestions, keep them coming. :D

 

You need to keep an eye on the friends they make on the ship. Your kids may be great and dependable, but not every kid is like that. It just takes one not so great kid with parents who just don't care, to lead your kids into trouble. Like they say, one bad apple. If you keep an eye on the kids your daughters are hanging around with, you can see what kind of influence they would be for your daughters.

[cruisinqt]

Even though they are 19 months apart they act more like twins, they are very close. And since they are close they don't connect with other kids very well, they are kind of in their own world. But they have occasionally gotten close to other kids on previous cruises so I'll watch who they hang out with closely. Thanks for the advice. I'm so glad I started this thread because you guys have brought up things I would never have thought of. Keep the suggestions coming I'm learning a lot and making up a list of do's and don'ts for the kids. :)

[celle]

They are both girls but they will have to stay together at all times. I'm ok with them swimming because they've both had private lessons and are very competent swimmers.

 

You say that your girls are competent swimmers. Mine were too, and they even swam competitively for their region.

 

Even so, I would insist that they did not swim unless one of their parents was there to supervise.

 

This is not because I doubt their ability to swim, but because:

 

• You never know when one of them might slip around the pool, or have an accident; no child can prevent herself from drowning, if she is unconsccious.
  
• Some cruisers do not like to see unsupervised children around or in the pools, and will complain, even if the children are behaving well.
  
• I hate to say this, but some adults cannot be trusted around children, and your daughters in the pool could be vulnerable.
  

No matter how well they swam, my children (until they were adults and living away from home) were never allowed to swim without their father or me watching them.

[A&Jfamily]

Start slowly. Have family breakfast together and then find out how they wish to spend the morning, and discuss how you will spend yours. The first day, let them have an hour or so - destination known - and then have them check back in. You can always spy on them. We try to eat our meals together, even on the ship, so the most my kids are usually away from me is about 3 hours.

 

My DS is 11 and so far, I have not allowed him to roam around the ship alone. He has sign in/out privilges at camp, and can be with me, camp, getting ice cream or the room. No alternatives. No having people in our cabin and no going in someone elses cabin. Always uses your manners. Walk, never run.

 

I think the consquences for rule breakage is just as important as the rules themselves. My DS knows that if I find him behaving inappropriately he will be confined to the room for the remainder of the day, and all sign in/our privilges are forefeited for the remainder of the trip.

[Warm Breezes]

They are both girls but they will have to stay together at all times. I'm ok with them swimming because they've both had private lessons and are very competent swimmers. I was thinking about having them make out a schedule each morning letting me know where they will be throughout the day so I could check on them when needed. We will have two way radios to communicate with and we plan on eating all meals together. I've never let them have freedom like this and I was looking for ideas or suggestions from other parents on how they handled things. I'm not worried about their behavior because they are both straight "A" students and very well behaved. Their dad is 6'6" and they are both quite tall, the oldest is 5'2" so they don't even look like little kids. Thanks for your suggestions, any more advice or ideas?

 

You just gave me a laugh. My DD just turned thirteen this week and she is 5'10". I guess she would be considered a giant (My eldest DS is 15 and 6'5").

 

At that age, as long as the kept together, I would be ok with giving them more freedom. We make sure we know where they are and that they know where we are. The two way radios didn't work so well for us so we use the sticky note system. It seems to me though that our kids end up hanging more with us than going off on their own, so we never really have much to worry about. I usually have to encourage them to take off and do their own thing so Mom & Dad can have some time together.

[IBoz]

My DS is 15, and DD is 10. We have cruised with them several times, and every time we go, I have to stop and think about what is appropriate for them on this particular cruise.

 

So, DS, being older, does get a little more freedom. He usually enjoys the teen club, and isn't much of a problem child, if you know what I mean. We expect him to let us know where he will be, and with whom. He is not allowed in other cabins unless it belongs to a friend or family member with whom we are traveling. We eat breakfast and dinner together unless their is a teen club function. We also have two-way radios. We only ever had one incident. He had just gotten old enough to check himself out of the kids group, and did so on sailing night. He did not get back to the cabin on time. Turned out he had gone into the floor show and was entranced by the show and the lights. For being late, he had to spend the entire next day with us. End of problem. That was 4 cruises ago.

 

Now DD is a different matter. She is very intelligent, but not at all smart. No sense, and no fear. If it were legal I would duct tape her to my side. She will talk to and make friends with anyone. So that, in addition to her age, means that she si always with me or DH, or other adults we may be traveling with.

[bigpuma]

I think an 11 y/o and a 13 y/o would be fine on their own. I was babysitting when I was 11 years old.

 

I think we have become quite paranoid and overprotective over the years. Kids are no more in danger than they were 30 years ago, despite media coverage to the contrary, yet we don't let them have nearly the same freedom we had as kids.

 

I liked this article but I am sure most people in this thread will be appalled.

 

http://www.nysun.com/editorials/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone

[cruisinqt]

Wow WarmBreezes, your 13 year old daughter is 5'10"? That's super tall! Thanks for the sticky note idea I agree on the two way radios, they aren't very reliable.

 

I know cruisers don't like unsupervised children by the pool and we will try to be with them when they swim but I'm sure there will be times when we can't swim with them. We have a pool so they won't get too excited because it's something they see every day. They know pool rules and we don't foresee any problems there.

 

IBoz I agree on swift discipline, it's the only way you can keep them in line. In fact, my younger daughter is grounded right now for cursing. If they disobey the rules they will get their privileges taken away.

 

BigPuma, I know where you're coming from, I was babysitting at 12. But today is different from when we were kids. There is lots more violence and crime, we aren't as safe as we used to be back then. Who thought kids would open fire in schools or children going missing would be an every day occurence? I don't want to be too overprotective but I don't want to be too lenient either. I'm hoping to find somewhere in the middle. Keep the advice coming, I really appreciate it.

[bigpuma]

 

BigPuma, I know where you're coming from, I was babysitting at 12. But today is different from when we were kids. There is lots more violence and crime, we aren't as safe as we used to be back then. Who thought kids would open fire in schools or children going missing would be an every day occurence? I don't want to be too overprotective but I don't want to be too lenient either. I'm hoping to find somewhere in the middle. Keep the advice coming, I really appreciate it.

 

I would agree with you if that was true, however violent crime has been decreasing over the past 30 years. We only think crime is rising due to perception but the reality is that your kids are just as safe today, maybe safer, than they were when we were kids. The only thing that has changed is parents' attempts to keep them safe.

[DaniellefromOttawa]

Hi!

 

There's already lots of great ideas on this thread...I agree with the little bits at a time.

 

Typically, we find a spot on the deck, and he asks to wander, we give him the rules (stay out of other people rooms and no one in ours, no elevators, use your manners, and be back in XX minutes/hours) We stay put so he know where we are to come back to.

 

 

No using the elevators, there's no need as he is healthy and strong, it's good for him, and it seems like a place that he could get in an uncomfortable situation. (As I have run into with intoxicated adults.)

 

I'm sure it will get to be longer time periods when he's older, but better to be safe for now.

 

Danielle

[MMsteffey]

Here's something I never thought to tell kids before our trip to Club Med : Never loan anything to anyone, no matter how nice the person may seem. A girl asked our daughter if she coud borrow our daughters shoes one night -- when the shoes were not returned, the first story was that the girl who borrowed them forgot them at the disco, and was really sorry. Additional Travel Lesson #1 : people will not take care of your possessions as you would. Then other kids started talking about how the girl told the other kids that she just kept the shoes because she liked them, and told her parents that she found them. Additional Travel Lesson #2 : people you do not know, and who you will never see again, may be capable of lying to you very easily. Additional Travel Lesson #3 : kids who are part of families who have the money available to go to Club Med (and cruise) are very capable of theft. Just for sport and thrills. (Our son's watch was taken a few days later.) Common sense and obvious to adults, yes, but not to our kids. While we briefed our kids thoroughly about all kinds of potential encounters with perverts,drugs, and alcohol, these lessons were our biggest oversight.

[cruisinqt]

Wow I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the heads up. I'll add it to my list because my kids really want to bring their iPods.

[VeggieCruzer]

Bigpuma is correct, we are safer now. Crime is much less prevalent but we have more and more ways of finding out. When we were kids our parents didn't have internet home pages that bombarded them with every bad thing and crime out there on a daily basis. Common sense goes a long way.

 

I let my kids sign in and out but I must always know where they are or what they are doing. We've never had a problem with this. DD has to stay with DS though. She's very little even though they are the same age. We are considering taking walkie-talkies on the next cruise.

 

Kids ages are: Boys - 14, 11 and 4, Girl - 11

 

Here are some general rules:

 

We must know what and where at all times (this includes us so they can find us)

 

We go over the Capers daily so we have a good idea of where we all want to be

 

Late nights are only in the Camp supervised activities

 

No swimming without us - and yes they are good swimmers but a little slip can become a huge deal

 

Dinners and lunches are predetermined

 

The youngest is only allowed with us or in CC

 

They must "check-in" with us as determined.

 

At least one meal a day together (CC has dinners and they like that)

 

No one stays on board while in port

[Onessa]

. . . But today is different from when we were kids. There is lots more violence and crime, we aren't as safe as we used to be back then. Who thought kids would open fire in schools or children going missing would be an every day occurence? . . .

 

Kids "going missing" has been an everyday occurence since the beginning of civilization. It seems so new just because "Nancy Grace" and her ilk just have seen a way of making big bucks out of it since the advent of cable news.

• My childhood bestfriends mother was abandoned on a bus in the middle of Iowa in the mid-1940s, she was taken in by the family of one of the police officers -- no one ever made a single inquiry.
  
• When I was in third grade one day one kid just stopped showing up -- when we asked the nun when Alan was going to be back, she said he had moved. It wasn't until ten years later that we found out that Alan's father had killed the family (wife, three kids, grandma and the dog) and then taken his own life.
  
• The priest in the town down the road was convicted recently in the molestation of at least eight young boys in the late 60s and early 70s.
  

If you really dug through your own past, you'd find out that the "safe" world you thought you had grown up in wasn't nearly so safe.