Sailing Sunday, Grandmother died today

[stargazertechie]

My grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My dad (her son) is totally fine with me missing the funeral and going on the trip, my grandmother was a well-traveled old lady after all.

 

My mother on the other hand keeps guilting me, telling me to cancel. I was stupid and didn't get trip insurance, and even if I had I probably wouldn't be canceling the trip. I've got the chance to go to the funeral parlor Saturday and say my goodbyes, and hop my Sunday morning flight to NYC.

 

2 weeks out of college, faced with my first major "adult" decision, and I've already got one parent hating me. The next 50+ years don't look so promising. :D;)

 

After 4 deaths in 6 months, I NEED a vacation.

 

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

[MizDaisy]

I am truly sorry for your loss, and for the decision that you have to make.

Here's advice from a mom and a grandma.....

Take your trip, you've earned it. Your dad (her son) is okay with it, and it was his mother. I'm sure your grandma knew that you loved her, and if she was a well traveled lady, then she'd also understand. It's really wonderful that you will get to say your goodbyes in private before you go.

Your mom will not stay mad at you forever. Try to explain to her that you will "talk" to grandma, and that you'll be thinking of her, and honoring her in your own way, on your trip.

 

It won't be easy, but as you're finding out, life isn't easy. Try to enjoy and have some fun on your trip, and also get some well deserved rest!

[CaptData]

I agree with above. But I will add one point. When you get back from the trip make time to visit her grave with your mother (bring flowers her favourite ones). You will learn that mothers are very forging if giving the chance.

[terrymtex01]

OP... I am very sorry for your loss.

 

Here is another word of advise. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. When I was in college I worked part time for a funeral home. The one thing I learned is that a funeral is not for the dead, but it is a way for the living to begin to accept the loss, to start the process of moving on and to say thier farewells to the departed. Your chance to show the one you have lost how much you love them, the respect you have for them, etc, was while they were still living, not at a funeral. Find a way to say your good bye and really accept your loss. Maybe the trip will be your beginning of the process of moving on. Take it from someone much older than you.. one of the lessons I have learned in my life is I try every day to make sure those I love and care for know it, so that when Im gone or when they are gone, there are no questions. I don't have to wait for a funeral to show it and I get the feeling you don't either... 8-)

[Maryfrei]

OP... I am very sorry for your loss.

 

Here is another word of advise. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. When I was in college I worked part time for a funeral home. The one thing I learned is that a funeral is not for the dead, but it is a way for the living to begin to accept the loss, to start the process of moving on and to say thier farewells to the departed. Your chance to show the one you have lost how much you love them, the respect you have for them, etc, was while they were still living, not at a funeral. Find a way to say your good bye and really accept your loss. Maybe the trip will be your beginning of the process of moving on. Take it from someone much older than you.. one of the lessons I have learned in my life is I try every day to make sure those I love and care for know it, so that when Im gone or when they are gone, there are no questions. I don't have to wait for a funeral to show it and I get the feeling you don't either... 8-)

 

Well said Terry, those are words we can all use.

[Crusin6]

My grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My dad (her son) is totally fine with me missing the funeral and going on the trip, my grandmother was a well-traveled old lady after all.

 

My mother on the other hand keeps guilting me, telling me to cancel. I was stupid and didn't get trip insurance, and even if I had I probably wouldn't be canceling the trip. I've got the chance to go to the funeral parlor Saturday and say my goodbyes, and hop my Sunday morning flight to NYC.

 

2 weeks out of college, faced with my first major "adult" decision, and I've already got one parent hating me. The next 50+ years don't look so promising. :D;)

 

After 4 deaths in 6 months, I NEED a vacation.

 

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Go to the funeral parlor and then hop on the plane. As the mom of 4..including a college sophomore..I totally understand what it means to put your children ahead of your personal interests. Your dad see this but your mom, who understands this philosophy, may not be thinking clearly right now and may be concerned as to how it will look to others if you are not there.

Take the cruise and dedicate it to your well-traveled grandmother!:)

[islandgirlejfan]

So sorry for your loss....grandmothers are special people...I still miss mine and she passed over 20 years ago. Because she had Alzheimer's disease and a myriad of other issues, she was gone before she ever passed....and my thoughts of her are never of her in that state, but of the typical German haus frau she was; always trying to make everyone happy.....because that made HER happy! Sometimes my wish for her is that life could have just been easier. I still think of her often and miss her still.

 

I agree with Terry (and no truer words have been said) that funerals are for the living. They are to make us feel better. If your father is good with it (and he is the son), I wouldn't worry about your mom's guilt trip. Take it from someone who has lived through many a guilt trip (and still do from time to time) in my life. As a mom myself, I have tried very hard not to do the same thing to my kids just because I hate it for myself. You would be paying your respects at the funeral home the night before. It sounds to me like your gran seized the moment by not limiting herself to what was around her but by seeing some of the rest of the world. I personally would just go. Your mother will get over it in time.

[musicorn]

This is a very sad and difficult time for you. I am very sorry that you need to make this decision this close to your cruise.

 

In my experience people often have a need to have those they love around them at these difficult times. And it is usually their grieve talking when they say things like your Mum has said to you in this instance.

 

You say that you are going to the funeral palour prior to leaving. You could make this your special ceremony to say goodbye. Ask your Mum to come with you and do something that would make her feel comforted at this sad time. It could be she needs you to be close for her grief.

 

Just a thought.

[d man]

Go on vacation and have a great time.

[hunterjackson]

I am more than sorry for your loss! I lost my paternal grandmother a few weeks ago, it is never easy. However, as Terry said, funerals are for the living.

 

The elders (no offense to y'all) have spoken, now from one of your peers ( I am 24).

 

Welcome to adulthood. It sucks. Decision and responsibility do not come easy. Being an individual with a seperate identity, life, structure, and responsibilities from your parents is one of the most difficult things in growing up.

 

My mother, as most southern ladies are, is a professional guilt tripper. Forget about it. You know what is in your heart. Celebrate her life as I am sure any grandmother would want...by celebrating yours.

 

Enjoy your trip. You have earned it! And with that, I am sure your grandmother will be smiling on at what she has created!

 

Welcome to being an adult! Fasten your seat belt, you are in for a bumpy yet rewarding ride!

[bean24]

Just wanted to add my sympathys on your loss. I agree with the others, go.

[ColinIllinois]

As I tend to deal with all things in life with humor here is my comment. Tell your Mother you want to compromise so you booked an extra ticket to give Grandma a burial at sea.

 

Dilemma solved. :)

[PFV]

What wonderful advise from everyone. Terrific support for someone facing such a decision. I think we're on the same cruise to Bermuda on Sunday?

 

Paul

[CarlandAndrea]

Go on the trip. I have a little experience with this with a friend whose dying father insisted he take a long plan trip to as the leader of a Boy Scouting hiking the Colorado Rockies fully aware he would probably pass away while his son was on the trip. He did pass away but was very happy his son has spent time with him before and was pleased that his son was leading this long planned trip.

 

I was called while on a cruise last year to Russia and told my mother had been diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer. My mother had gone to great lengths to keep me from being told about this until I returned because she wanted me to enjoy my trip. Unfortuantley her sister tracked me down on the ship to deliver the news which completly ruined thee trip. I was too distraught to stay and we returned home at an enourmous cost. The trip home was agonizing for me. My mother was angry with her sister because her wishes were ignored. We had never had a specific conversation about how to handle a situation like this if one of us was away but my mother knew that I could not do anything to change what she was going through and wanted me to enjoy the last 5 days of my trip.

 

Your grandmother would want you to go. You are attending the viewing the day before and will honor her. Please go and try to enjoy the trip.

[PIPER50]

One of the hardest things my mum had to accept was that when I reached a certain age I was entitled to make my own decisions and my form own opinions.:) Go on your cruise and enjoy it I' m sure your grandmother will be there in spirit cheering you on

[4 Grateful Cruisers]

Go.. my uncle passed away last mem. day weekend while i was camping.. like my mom said.. he wouldn't want me to miss my vacation.. go..I think grandma would understand and heck... she might be "there" on the boat with you!!!! i agree with the others.. go .. have fun

[Zeno]

First - my sympathy for your loss.

 

Go on the trip. You said your grandmother loved travelling - it's what she would want you to do.

 

As someone else said - funerals are for the living. To put it bluntly - the dead don't care anymore.

 

My MIL suddenly became ill before one of our trips. There was no question that we would have cancelled if she had been critically ill when we were supposed to leave. She died quickly and my husband was with her - that was what mattered. We went on the trip shortly after and missed a memorial service being held for her old friends. I am sure some were critical of our decision but we felt the time spent with her while she was alive was more important than going to an event that was held not for her but for her friends. I know she would have wanted it that way.

[Love2CruiseMore]

My grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My dad (her son) is totally fine with me missing the funeral and going on the trip, my grandmother was a well-traveled old lady after all.

 

My mother on the other hand keeps guilting me, telling me to cancel. I was stupid and didn't get trip insurance, and even if I had I probably wouldn't be canceling the trip. I've got the chance to go to the funeral parlor Saturday and say my goodbyes, and hop my Sunday morning flight to NYC.

 

2 weeks out of college, faced with my first major "adult" decision, and I've already got one parent hating me. The next 50+ years don't look so promising. :D;)

 

After 4 deaths in 6 months, I NEED a vacation.

 

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

 

Stargazertechie, So sorry for your loss. You should do what feels right in your heart, not what others expect of you. Honor your grandmother by being true to yourself and living for today as no one knows what tomorrow might/will/can bring. Welcome to adulthood.:o I hope you can find peace in your decission.

[dalgirl]

So sorry for your loss. I am in a similar situation. My 94 yr old grandmother is currently with hospice care and we are sailing this weekend. We saw her last weekend for mothers day. I have already told my mother that no matter what happens we will go on our trip and she understands although she counts on me for extra support. Funerals are for the living, and can be a sign of respect and love. But many times they can turn into family reunions with very little consideration for the loved one who has passed. Your mother will have plenty of support, but she may be embarrassed that you won't be there. That is not your problem. Your relationship with the grandmother is your relationship, not what your mother wants. And I am sure your grandmother would understand, mine would. That you will be at the viewing is a blessing. I would go on my cruise with a clear conscience and let your mother deal with her objections. She may or may not get over it, but she will always love you!

[mpk218]

Sorry for your loss..

Go to the funeral home and say your peace. Then go on your cruise and enjoy it , thats what your Grand mother would want being a world travler. Also when on board order a drink for Grama and pour it into the sea , she'll be smiling down on you . ;)

[RuthlessBunny]

My condolences on your loss. Death is very hard for us to deal with in our culture. It sounds like you and your Grammy had a lovely relationship and that you left nothing unsaid.

 

Your Mom is probably worried about how it will look to the family, or that your Dad is not verbalizing something, but at the end of the day, you have to do what makes sense for you. I believe that is to go on your trip and to enjoy every minute of it, in memory of your Grandmother, who is watching you from heaven in approval.

 

Taking the time for a private goodbye is entirely appropriate, and probably much easier for you to do.

 

Take care sweetie!

[alwalaska]

You have received some wonderful advise. I just want to add my condolences for you loss and add that I too think you should go on the trip. If you are comfortable with giving your goodbyes on Saturday (which sounds like a great idea), your mother will eventually come around. Enjoy your trip, and don't let guilt over your mom's opinion interfere with your much deserved relaxation. I'm glad that your dad is able to be understanding while he too is sad.

[crew mom]

Stargazertechie, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

 

When my Grandfather passed away some family members were upset that I didn't fly across country with 2 small children to attend the funeral. I simply couldn't afford to fly us all there but they felt it was necessary for everyone to be there and were upset that I wasn't showing proper respect to my Grandfather. Your mom may be like this and is possibly concerned about "What will the rest of the family / neighbors think?"

 

Go on the trip but try to spend extra time with Mom and the family in the couple of days you have. Help make arrangements, visit with the family, spend time at the funeral parlor (Terry is right - funerals are solely for the comfort of the living) Be as helpful as you can before you go.

 

Then go to the airport and enjoy your cruise - Grandma would have wanted you to have a good time! Be sure and raise a glass or two to her on the cruise!

[coka]

I am sorry for your loss. Having attended many funerals and having to attend many more in our lifetime, and based upon our beliefs of the afterlife, our family decided death can be a celebration in many circumstances. Instead of choosing a second row seat at my Nana Turner’s funeral in 1985, my cousin opted for a first row seat at a Tina Turner concert in Montreal. Everyone understood and it brought humor to the sad occasion. Your situation is much bigger and you do get to say goodbye Saturday and spend time with your relatives. Go with no regrets. Know your grandmother will always be with you now no matter where you are!

 

coka

[newmexicoNita]

My grandmother passed away yesterday afternoon. My dad (her son) is totally fine with me missing the funeral and going on the trip, my grandmother was a well-traveled old lady after all.

 

My mother on the other hand keeps guilting me, telling me to cancel. I was stupid and didn't get trip insurance, and even if I had I probably wouldn't be canceling the trip. I've got the chance to go to the funeral parlor Saturday and say my goodbyes, and hop my Sunday morning flight to NYC.

 

2 weeks out of college, faced with my first major "adult" decision, and I've already got one parent hating me. The next 50+ years don't look so promising. :D;)

 

After 4 deaths in 6 months, I NEED a vacation.

 

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

 

Of course we all send our prayers to your family and our sympathy. As for your cruising, I agree with you, grandma would probably want you to go: mom will get over it.

 

Nita