Innocents Abroad ? (we qualify)

[Little Nell]

I know what you're all thinking............is this review ever going to bl**dy end?:o

 

Tonight was a special night for me as ms magot (now known as lady magot....cruising seems to have this effect on the ladies?) had, strangly? agreed to accompany me

 

she was looking resplendently interesting in a new updo hairstyle, it had started out as a Tina Turner but after a long tousle with the hairdryer, which was inconveniently attached by a short cord to the bottom of the wardrobe, had ended up as an updo complete with cherries, plastic swords and umbrellas

 

I put on my best suit that I have hardly worn since 1982, Hmm, just as I was thinking that it was a little short in the leg? a button popped off! luckily, that guy, who seems to spend his days idling in the corridor making towel animals came immediately to the rescue, he sewed the button back on, whilst making the bed up, picked up all the rubbish, got all the drawers to finally close, tidied the bathroom and even artfully placed a flower and some chocolates on our pillows, before I had finished doing up my shoelaces.....what a guy!

 

ms lady magot was wearing yet another new dress! this one had dental floss straps which were so stretched, they were in danger of playing a celestial harp tune in D minor if she got up from her chair too quickly! and was of a pattern that she must have especially chosen to match the dining room carpet.

 

'A lady must get that perfect balance of not trying to hard while still looking demure' she said, while doing a little twirl, and then promptly tripped over the raised threshold of the cabin door and tumbled (like that boy on a skateboard on you've been framed) onto the corridor floor, unfortunately, right in front of a line of bridge officers who were marching past one by one, ms lady magot sat up, crossed her legs, flicked her hair nonchalantly and said 'ah......good evening gentlemen...... just looking for my earrings.... as you do.....' they smiled and marched on a little faster

 

the bright lights of the chandeliers hanging in the dining room were so bright and unforgiving that as ms lady magot walked underneath them the light began to bounce and scatter of her jewellery (she was wearing all of it) in a kind of boogie rhythm, sending out what looked like random blue green laser beams around the room before rebounding off the portholes and continuing on into infinity! The captain had resorted to wearing a welding mask whilst making his speech at the top table, and then even gave us a mention 'I just cant take anymore of those two' he said 'Call security and have them removed to the cargo hold immediately' cool, the captain had taken the time to arrange for us to have a private tour of the inner workings of the ship, this cruise is fantastic!........people on Thomsons are so nice:D

 

Please don't stop soon. This actually has me laughing out loud. Superb :D:D:D

[geomagot]

some of my cruise faux pas:o

 

don’t wear a football shirt in the evening, the entire bar will fall silent as you walk in and every head in the room will turn towards you ........like a scene from the exorcist

 

dont order any cocktail unless the missus has drunk one first or you at least have a vague idea what colour it will be

 

don’t get between dear sweet little old ladies and the buffet..... They will politely line up to give you a good kicking

 

don’t take a lilo....... it will fill up the pool and then gracefully bounce on everyone’s head on on its way over the side

 

if you’re sunbathing and fancy going in just to get a cuppa, put your top on unless you’re built like David Beckham ........which you are not

 

don’t laugh if the waiter drops the drink during the cocktail flaring demonstration….. you will be served the drink he has just dropped

 

don’t win all the quizzes because you are on Google....everyone will know

 

on the sea day don’t offer to open the deck door for a bikini clad young lady.....it will be so windy and the door so heavy you wont be able to even lift the handle

 

try to admire the ketchup designs left on the tables by kids....they are all banksys to their parents

 

if there is queue for the gangway don’t try the next staircase along....there will be an even bigger queue there

 

don’t challenge dear sweet little old ladies to card games….they will beat you

 

don’t eat your curry/salad/blancmange on your sunbed…..it will artfully decorate the people sitting in the row behind

[Gelbel]

Re unless you're David Beckham - only if you've his physique should you even contemplate wearing Speedos. Even then they're best avoided unless you are Tom Daley and are about to compete.

[Isis2]

Must tell you this little gem from Hubby and I.

 

We went to North Cyprus, and hired a car, driving about we kept on noticing these "Night Clubs" me to Hubby, gosh look at all these night clubs, Hubby to me yes there are rather a lot of them. Went up the mountain area, and still every now and again still seeing night clubs, me to Hubby, what an odd place to have a night club half way up a mountain, and look that one is called "I Like You Very Much Night Club", what an odd name, perhaps once we get back to the resort we pop in one night and see what it is all about. Hubby to me, yeap that sounds like a plan.

 

The next day Hubby was going diving and when he finished he just happened to mention to the instructor about these Night Clubs that we had been seeing, even the ones half way up the mountains, and also mentioned that we were going to try one out that night.

 

The Instructor was absolutely horrifed, and told Hubby in no uncertain terms that we were not to go in them, why? they were "houses of ill repute". :eek: Shreeek close shave can you imagine it.

[WeeCountyMan]

Were these Northern Cypriot leisure centres places where our Friends of Dorothy could relax ?

 

:)

[Isis2]

Umm I am 100% sure that they would be able to cater for all needs !!! :D

[stevedeccaman]

some of my cruise faux pas:o

 

don’t wear a football shirt in the evening, the entire bar will fall silent as you walk in and every head in the room will turn towards you ........like a scene from the exorcist

 

dont order any cocktail unless the missus has drunk one first or you at least have a vague idea what colour it will be

 

don’t get between dear sweet little old ladies and the buffet..... They will politely line up to give you a good kicking

 

don’t take a lilo....... it will fill up the pool and then gracefully bounce on everyone’s head on on its way over the side

 

if you’re sunbathing and fancy going in just to get a cuppa, put your top on unless you’re built like David Beckham ........which you are not

 

don’t laugh if the waiter drops the drink during the cocktail flaring demonstration….. you will be served the drink he has just dropped

 

don’t win all the quizzes because you are on Google....everyone will know

 

on the sea day don’t offer to open the deck door for a bikini clad young lady.....it will be so windy and the door so heavy you wont be able to even lift the handle

 

try to admire the ketchup designs left on the tables by kids....they are all banksys to their parents

 

if there is queue for the gangway don’t try the next staircase along....there will be an even bigger queue there

 

don’t challenge dear sweet little old ladies to card games….they will beat you

 

don’t eat your curry/salad/blancmange on your sunbed…..it will artfully decorate the people sitting in the row behind

 

 

think you must be a writer or should be , your stuff is real but very funny

the like button has been pressed again :cool:

Stevie :)

[geomagot]

Thank you stevie…praise indeed:o I’m not a writer, I’m just a gunner, a year off retirement, if they don’t make me redundant before then…..I just like people, everyone has a tale to tell when you listen and take an interest

 

Anyway on with the tales:

 

This one is true this really happened

 

We once cruised on the German MV Delphin the head of security noticed that we were an English family and kindly offered to translate the germen safety Pamphlet into English for us

 

it went a little like this:

 

keep you’re cabinets locked when you are not in them

 

in case of bob please leave the cabin in an orderly fashion (I think he meant sos)

 

any problems please come to my office so we can debrief privately:eek:

[geomagot]

Notes on the safety drill

 

Pay attention! this is a serious matter (said a former teacher at school once...ignored him then too):rolleyes:

 

there we were, lined up on the boat deck in our natty bright orange life jackets (a little mildewed?) ready to be inspected by the captain, I was trying to look cool for the photos (why DO they come round photographing you? a row of random heads in a sea of orange?):confused:

 

deep down inside we are all thinking.......OMG! I'm wearing a life jacket! I'm on a ship! Its high up here isn’t it? that water suddenly doesn’t look very inviting! what are all these long tapes for? and why are the crew all wearing brand new lifejackets?

 

'Women and children first said the marshal' ms magot looked up from tying jaunty macrame knots in the side tapes of her lifejacket and said 'quite right too! IMO that’s quite correct: women and children first, then pets, then chairs, then litter, then you!’:eek:

 

we all shuffled around a bit, men pressed against the bulkhead at the back, women sunning themselves at the front, its at a time like this that you notice just how many sharp objects are sticking out from the wall at the back.....hose reels, bulkhead lamps, pipes, crow bars, and left over buffet items

 

'In the rare event of an emergency at sea your life jacket is equipped with a strobe light and a whistle' we all simultaneously checked our whistles....mine looked a little chewed

 

'In the rare event of an emergency' continued the marshal 'you will hear seven short blasts followed by one long blast on the ships hooter this is the signal to go to your muster stations' there then followed a very slow sequence of rings on the fire alarm, obviously a demonstration of the number seven, I counted up to 4 then lost count

 

we waited for the captain to march past, the women at the front, taking in the pleasant sea breezes and admiring each others macrame, the men still pressed up against the bulkhead wall at the back, there was what felt like an axe parting the cheeks of my backside? but I couldn’t turn around because someone was standing on my tapes, there was also a heavily painted bracket of some description burrowing into my left ear and the man next to me was standing in the shape of the letter Z between a hose reel and a trolley loaded with cold coffee mugs

 

the captain and his entourage marched past, the women in the front row smiled like some sort of toothy mexican wave, the men shuffled their axes/hose reels/dustpans & brooms:eek:

 

the captain then gave a talk on various safety considerations, such as making sure to read the safety notice on the back of the cabin door (mine referred to the ship as the Thomson Costa europa dream?.....slightly alarming!) and never throwing anything over the side as it could be sucked back inside and cause a fire, two kids ran past gaily throwing safety notices over the side

 

then, 2 random people turned up....'Oh I wondered were everyone was?' he said taking a leisurely gulp of his beer, she, a little more flustered' said 'why are fire bells ringing? is it time for dinner? And why are the crew wearing brand new lifejackets?

 

The captain and his entourage made a quick exit left and got a head start on the stairs before everyone else complete with their lifejackets and trailing tapes made a rush for the lobby, ms magot was swept along with the throng and was last seen on deck 4, 5, and 6:D

 

Eventually just me and the man with the beer were left on deck ‘nice jacket’ he said ‘er….where did you get the axe?’ Before backing away slowly towards the stunning sunset up ahead:cool:

[kruzseeka]

Brilliant! How have I missed these until now? So entertaining - well done for making us all laugh so much! :D

[geomagot]

It was the last night of the cruise hurrah!....Wait....No!......Boo sob blubber

 

I decided to pay a visit to the casino, all that week I had found myself being mysteriously mesmerised by the sound of falling jackpots every time I walked past, this sounded like an easy way to make some quick cash, and maybe I would even be able to afford a drink on the plane on the way home

 

As I walked in I was offered a free cruise just by buying a lotto ticket, this sounded good, I purchased 3 (buy 2 get one free....cant lose eh) then rubbing my palms together I sat down at the blackjack table

 

Just to be friendly, I started to point out all manner of helpful gaming tips to my fellow players, they seemed grateful as the guy to my right turned and said 'Are YOU ever going to place a bet!?' I placed both my chips on the table (a bit reckless, I know) then while clutching my lucky boxers (which was difficult because I had a plate of sushi on my lap) I watched enraptured as the dealer dealt the cards in lightening quick time (how do they add it up so fast??)

 

.....a jack (woo hoo) another jack (woo hoo hoo) lucky or what? Not one but two jacks and both were black! a massive win for sure, the dealer asked if I would like to take another card? the entire table, now silent, slowly turned and gazed at my stupendously lucky hand, I was thinking, I could be dealt another jack and if it was a black that would be an enormous win 'Hit' I said, Doh! it was an Ace!....31!..... Bust!.....Oh Bollo!....Bother!

 

I got up to leave, but strangely? when I looked down my two chips had become four the dealer must have paid me out in error? I waited until he wasn’t looking and swiped my chips off the table double quick, I was on a roll!

 

I glanced over to the roulette table and (What The?) ms magot (now known as the dowager countess of grantham magot of downton) was sitting behind a huge pile of chips!

 

I side stepped over, she was doing that pose that she often does when I approach......turning her head to one side and clasping her palm to her eyes? 'How did you win all that?' I enquired, 'I put all my chips on my lucky number' she answered 'I thought your lucky number was 666?' I said, 'No! Its just 6, my birthday, remember' ahh yes I thought........that was er ye-ster-day.....wasn’t it? so easy lose track of time when you’re on a cruise

 

Thankfully, just at that point the bar waiter came over, ms magot ordered a Bloody Mary, I ordered a Bloody Coke, and sat down, ms magot slowly moved up a couple places

 

while she was leaning over the table to place her bets I surreptitiously reached over to borrow a couple of her chips, thwack! her hand appeared from across the table (somehow?) and proceeded to playfully crush my fingers 'place your own bets' she said in a low voice

 

after a few minutes and perhaps out of remorse and whilst smiling and flicking her hair at the waiter, who had just returned with the drinks, she slowly turned and handed me 2 of her chips, the wheel span, she handed me another two chips, then another two..........9 minutes later we both left the casino ms magot still holding her palms to her forehead? Maybe the spinning wheel had given her a headache? I found out later that, indeed it had!

 

later in the Lido whilst I was finishing my 3rd plate of sushi with brown sauce and gazing sorrowfully at my empty wallet whilst deciding weather to fill up my cough linctus bottle with a shot of spirit from the bar to drink on the plane tomorrow, a fellow cruiser came over 'never mind magot' he said, with a friendly grimace 'tomorrow you'll go home, never to return (with any luck) and soon the whole experience will be just a distant memory for all of us'

 

Oh no! I said jumping up and doing a little wiggle (like Susan Boyle), I will be back for sure, Cruising is great, I'm hooked!

 

the man visibly gasped, took 2 steps backwards, gulped a large swig of his beer and wiped a tear from his eye......must have felt just as sorry as I was about going home tomorrow ................people on Thomson’s are so nice

 

Keep a lookout for me........I might be on YOUR next cruise????

[stevedeccaman]

Love it :D

Stevie

[geomagot]

You know you are not on a cruise when

 

you leave your towel on the floor and it just stays there

 

You step over every doorway like it’s a foot high

 

You press the button for the bathroom rather than go up the stairs but only the landing light comes on??

 

You leave a towel and book on the sofa....Coz you'll only be a minute

 

You ask OH for the menu at dinner and get a look that reminds you of a waxen faced shop mannequin that has had lipstick and a false moustache daubed on it

 

You say good morning to every passer-by but they don’t speak...in fact they cross over to the other side of the road

 

You go into a coffee shop and get service with a scowl

 

You go out with freinds and no-one mentions how much they paid to get there

 

The sausages dont taste the same

 

there’s no alcohol gel dispenser so you use Swarfega instead

 

:D:D

[CRUISIN LINDA]

 

 

The next summer we did another Princess cruise and noted more FOD meetings - Mrs.WCM mentioned this aloud at dinner the second night onboard and drew some very odd sideways looks from other passengers.

 

One of them kindly explained the plot in a low voice - and deciphered G, L, B & T for us as Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transvestites.

 

Talk about RED faces !!!

 

:eek:

 

On our recent Celebrity cruise, there was a "Friends of Bill W" every day at 5.15pm. Do you think this is the same thing? It was actually on our deck most days, but I didn't dare go along and check it out :rolleyes:

[davecttr]

On our recent Celebrity cruise, there was a "Friends of Bill W" every day at 5.15pm. Do you think this is the same thing? It was actually on our deck most days, but I didn't dare go along and check it out :rolleyes:

alcholics type meeting, like AA?

[CRUISIN LINDA]

Yes Dave, just googled it and you are right. Well, you live and learn!

 

I'm sure we went on one ship which had Freemason meetings.

[WeeCountyMan]

On our recent Celebrity cruise, there was a "Friends of Bill W" every day at 5.15pm. Do you think this is the same thing? It was actually on our deck most days, but I didn't dare go along and check it out :rolleyes:

 

Yes Linda, Dave is correct with previous post - "Bill W" get togethers are for problem drinkers.

 

They are always happiest when ships go into dry dock !!! :rolleyes:

[geomagot]

while we wait with baited breath for the new reviews of the dream....heres a little something to kill the time

 

a tongue in cheek review of the main highlight event of any cruise

 

the captains gala evening

 

scheduled to start at 6pm

 

ms magot and I adjourned to our cabin early to dress for the upcoming spectacular soiree

 

I put on a pair of camouflage shorts, a thomson t shirt and my new neoprene water shoes, ms magot was wearing a black leather corset that laced up the back (just about) a pair of black leather shorts peppered with diamantee, black fishnet stockings and six inch stiletto heels with red soles, Oops! sorry, I've just described my current screen saver

 

a little distracted there for a minute…my apologies:o

 

anyway

 

ms magot was actually...wearing?...some sort of dress??....probably?

 

we set out early for the showlounge and soon arrived at the queue, which wasn’t all that difficult to find

 

the queue stretched along the corridor, through the bar, past the ice carving, out thru the pool deck, past the cocktail demonstration, down the stairs, up some more stairs, along the corridor, past some very noisy crew areas and finally ended up just outside our cabin door....how convenient I thought

 

we joined the queue, the guy in front turned and said to us 'hi i'm kirk thanks for the.....'??;)

 

we shuffled along, everyone keeping a keen lookout for the tray of free champagne that we all knew could appear at any time and just about anywhere? small hints murmured down the line 'its on the left!' someone called, the entire queue sidestepped left 'no, no its gone?' we all slumped back against the wall....'there’s another tray!' three dozen elbows went out!...'but its behind a curtain!!'... kirk turned and said 'thanks' again?? the queue closed up into a huddle (like something out of a documentary on penguins)

 

at last, we arrived at the venue, I couldn’t help but notice a man wearing a splendid white suit was positioned bang in the middle of the entrance and was virtually blocking my way in? as I approached, i put my head down and managed to dodge him completely....result ...I thought....I'm in...hurrah!... is it any wonder that the queue was so slow with him there blocking the only entrance?

 

meanwhile

 

ms magot had made a beeline for the white suited gentleman, she crept up very close to him and encircled her arms around him (like a pair of mole grips) she must know him? I thought

 

he must have known her too as he was chatting animatedly away to her, I didn’t catch what he said but a small struggle ensued as he tried to untangle himself from her grip until a nearby waiter had to place his tray of champagne on a side table in order to prise her off him, a mistake in my opinion as when he went back to retrieve the tray all the champagne had disappeared somewhere?

 

we sat down

 

a classical trio were playing....some sort of black sabbath track?

 

the cruise director was on stage, he had obviously just been outside to have a quick smoke as he was sporting a natty jedward style hairstyle:cool:

 

the man in the white suit walked onto the stage followed by a line of other people wearing assorted uniforms? one was even wearing a chefs hat!....must be a reunion of the village people? I thought

 

the lights went down....a man with a huge camera stepped out of the isle right in front of us and proceeded to film us, how inconvenient' I thought, I cant see a thing now!

 

I glanced at ms magot who was holding up her glass, smiling and waving (in a coquettish manner) directly into the camera? Where did she get that drink from? I wondered?

 

'whos the big guy in the big white hat?' she asked 'probably the nurse' I answered

 

Then, a waiter approached us with a tray heaped with tiny pieces of toast each one artfully decorated with a plastic sword....how thoughtful I thought...I was feeling a little peckish as I had only had two afternoon teas, I gratefully accepted the tray and placed it on my lap

 

at last, the cameraman had backed away slowly and was currently filming the people on the stage who (somehow?) were also all holding glasses of champagne aloft (as if to say...Ha!! we know where they keep the bottles!)

 

I looked around the room in the hope that I might attract the attention of the champagne waiter when.....just at that very moment a crack of light appeared at the exit door

 

everyone jumped up from their seats, glasses and plastic swords in hand and headed for the (single) exit, as we were leaving I noticed yet another queue had formed outside like before it too was snaking around all the various rooms of the ship...’hey magot’ someone in the new queue called ‘where did you get the tray?’ I hugged my tray of toast close to my chest and headed for dining room....while kirk, who was behind me, was profusely thanking everyone individually:D:D

[kruzseeka]

Oh how you have brightened up a grey, miserable day geomagot. :D :D

 

I've just read this out to my DH (with numerous halts to accommodate my screeching fits and to catch my breath!) and we both think you have a real talent for comedy! You could apply to Thomson for the guest entertainer spots and I'm sure be so much better than a few we've seen!

 

Thanks for your unique 'take' on gala night. Absolutely hilarious - we have so enjoyed reading it! ;)

[Little Nell]

Brilliant, Geomagot, absolutely brilliant. I am home alone and it feels a bit strange to be laughing so raucously when on one's own :D;)

 

Hope Kirk likes the attention :cool:

[CRUISIN LINDA]

Agree with Kruzseeka :) so funny. I would read it out to my DH, but he is getting deaf, so wouldn't hear half of it :rolleyes: I'll show it to him later.

 

Dreary day here too. Just got back from the nurse clutching a prescription as she says my blood pressure is too high :eek: Just googled "Ramipril" and seen the list of side effects - OMG:eek:

[stevedeccaman]

That has cheered my day up too, brilliant Geo, infact just going to read it again

 

Stevie :D

 

ps Kirk will probably thank you for the post :D

[davecttr]

priceless :D:D:D:D

[kruzseeka]

OMG I'm slow today - just realised who the phantom character is! :o Even funnier - and inspired. Excuse for another post - is it 20K yet???? :rolleyes:

 

Dh wants to know if you are a (comedy) writer!

[happy v]

Fantastic Geo,

like Nell I'm sitting here on my own laughing my head off.:D:D:D