Would you want to know?

[annf]

After having just gone through this I don't think it's any easier knowing. My dad was given 2-3 months and lived four. Instead of just grieving when it happens, it was like grieving the four months leading up to it and then more when he passed.

 

 

Oh how true that is - I think the entire time my mom was in hospice, I was grieving........9 months later, I still miss her every day.

[Starlight Durban Cruising]

My parents went on a 3 week river cruise in Europe and I had strick instructions NOT to let them know if my grandfather passed away while they were away.

 

I personally think they made the right decision. What were they going to do if he had passed while they were away and I contacted them? Fly home at the next port? To the tune of several thousands of dollars and ruin their trip? For what? Nothing that could not be dealt with when they got back. Fortunately, we did not have to deal with it.

 

I agree with you. My parents live overseas, and they've told us "if we die, just have us cremated and come scatter the ashes when you can. What good will it do to pay an expensive fee to jump on the first plane over. Not worth coming over and crying crocodile tears over the biggest/most expensive coffin [like a professional mourner LOL]; we would rather that you spend time with us when we are alive."

 

... if the worst happens while you are traveling you can take advantage of at least two things:

 

1. Travel insurance

2. Bereavement fares (all airlines have them)

 

Serious, do "Bereavement fares" really exist? I have never heard of those. I thought one just had to pay the "tough luck, you can book today's very expensive short-notice ticket to fly tomorrow morning" rate.

[SadieN]

I agree with you. My parents live overseas, and they've told us "if we die, just have us cremated and come scatter the ashes when you can. What good will it do to pay an expensive fee to jump on the first plane over. Not worth coming over and crying crocodile tears over the biggest/most expensive coffin [like a professional mourner LOL]; we would rather that you spend time with us when we are alive."

 

 

 

Serious, do "Bereavement fares" really exist? I have never heard of those. I thought one just had to pay the "tough luck, you can book today's very expensive short-notice ticket to fly tomorrow morning" rate.

 

They do exist but you will need proof within a certain amount of time or you will be charged the difference. My cousin needed this when Dad passed away. Proof can be a newspaper obit or other funeral notice.

 

OP--not quite your situation and only your family can decide what's best.

 

We ran into an odd situation on our first family cruise. There were two women seated at solo tables in the MDR. We came to find out that both had lost their husbands on the just ended world cruise. One went home to bury him and came back to finish the cruise, the other just shipped his body home.

[mousey]

I would definitely want to know and I'd be on the first plane home to be with my family at such a time. I can't imagine leaving my brother and sister-in-law to deal with everything on their own. We just lost our youngest brother and I know how much we would need each other if we lost either of our parents. I can't imagine not being with my brother and sister-in-law after what we went through losing our beloved younger brother. I pray that while the op and her husband are on vacation nothing happens to their parents back home. It is true that it is his decision to make and I respect that. It's not one I would ever make but that's me.

[fromthebus]

No. I would not. Maybe it is just me. But no.

[susie8862]

Wow. Thank you again for all the new posters that shared their stories of similar situations. You touched my heart.

 

To the lady that works in the admission department. I work on the TBI Unit and do this for a living. The Advance Directive, DNR and all of the necessary papers for the funeral home are in order. There is nothing for the rest of the family to do. All of the i's are dotted and t's are crossed.

 

To the person that brought up "religious" reasons. OMG....I am not Jewish, but I forgot...your loved ones have to be buried before sundown..correct?

 

Again, thank you for all of your beautiful stories, opinions and situations that you have been in. It meant a lot to me. :o

[TriciaEMTB]

I am kind of in the same boat. Family is very sick. Could go tomorrow, could go six months from now. Lives at home, not a nursing home (and just because they're in a nursing home doesn't mean they're at deaths door! I've transported many people who've lived in SNFs for YEARS.) it's amazing how long modern medicine can keep a body going.

 

On our cruise in November, I know my family wouldn't notify us. When I turned 18 I took a trip to see a friend, my grandma had a heart attack, my mom told me when she picked me up at the airport and explained there was nothing I would have been able to do and my grandma didn't want to ruin my trip.

 

She survived. She's old and chronically sick but if I planned my life around her dying I could be waiting for years (I was sure last year she wouldn't make it to Christmas with her heart problems. Here we are in September!) And that would piss her off.

 

And who's to say I wouldn't get hit by a bus tomorrow? Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to be around for a long time. I'm sure it seems cold but you can't plan your life around a death watch.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Room Service!]

What matters is how you show your love when your parents are alive.

 

 

This is truly what matters.

OP - I agree with those saying to respect your husband's wishes.

[Gloria Mundi]

Seriously, do "Bereavement fares" really exist? I have never heard of those. I thought one just had to pay the "tough luck, you can book today's very expensive short-notice ticket to fly tomorrow morning" rate.

 

They give you some minimal discount (10%? 25%?) off the "very expensive short-notice ticket to fly tomorrow morning". It still costs a bundle and is one reason why I keep a stash of airline frequent flyer miles in my account. You'll still probably need to use double the normal amount for miles and may have to pay an additional fee for fast processing but ther'll be less cash out the door.

[shadoo]

What does "not doing very well" mean? At his parents age, death can come at any time and with very little warning. As a geriatric nurse practitioner I tell family members that they have to live their lives and for sure this is what most NH residents will tell their families as well. Go see the folks before you leave, tell them you love them and take your vacation as planned. Take lots of pictures to share with them when you return.

Have a great vacation!

[joea32257]

My grandmother passed away 6 years ago when we were on vacation. We knew before we left that the end was near. The trip was planned 6 months prior. We worked in family business with her for over 25 years and always spent time with her. We also visited her often in the nursing home even though it was a few hours away.

 

When she passed my dad notified us immediately but said he would never speak to us again if we came home from vacation. Said we spent time with her when it counted, while she was alive.

[JGoof1]

I was in that position a number of times. People asked how I could go to Disney when my father/mother was dying? I cared for my parents 7 days a week for years. I still had my life to live. We made plans for extra care while we were away. Left numbers and talked on the phone. They hid problems from us so we would enjoy our vacation. And when I got home I cared for them until they died.

They may go while you're away. Or they may linger months more. Don't have any regrets. Live your live and enjoy your time with your husband. Make it his best vacation ever.

[NewKansasKruiser]

I would want to be notified. If nothing else, I would want to know so I can at least pray and have quiet time. Pray for the right decisions to be made at home and pray for peace for those dealing with it while my selfish butt is on a cruise ignoring that my parent had passed away and I am too "busy", it might ruin my happy trip or it would cost too much to get home.

 

I can't imagine the conversation with my sister and brother before I leave. "Hey sis and bro, if Mom dies while I am in paradise, don't call or contact me. It would be expensive for me to try to get home, it might ruin my vacation because then I might remember I won't have a Mom to come home to and I want to enjoy the beach without worrying about reality. Ok?"

 

I have 2 kids and I would be so hurt if they either one thought like that. That to me is self-centeredness at it's worse. I have a 93 year old Grandpa that HANGS THE MOON to me! He's awesome, the best and I can't imagine life without him. He's in assisted living and you never know when the last day is. While we were on our cruise, the family knew they BETTER contact me if something happened. I also know I was gone 5 days on the cruise and they would have held the service until I got home if at all possible. I wouldn't expect my children to cut their trip short, nor would Grandpa have expected or wanted me to cut mine short, but to say I don't even want to be notified just wouldn't work for my family.

 

Good morning all.

 

Here is my problem...we leave for Long Beach in 4 months for a 15 day cruise to Hawaii and an additional 3 days pre-cruise and 7 days post cruise in California.

 

Both of my husbands elderly parents are in a nursing home and not doing very well. We always leave an emergency phone number with our family members.....

 

We are sooo torn about what to do if something should happen to one of them. We are going to be gone for almost one month and my husband wants to instruct his family NOT to notify us if one should pass away.

His thinking is..."What can we do about it? If we find out while on the ship or in Hawaii, it will just ruin our vacation because it would be almost impossible to get home"

 

I am on the fence. If it were my parents, I don't think I could live with myself being on vacation and not at least trying to get home.

 

Any suggestions or opinions?

 

PS. We live on the East Coast, so yes, we would be very far away and it would be very costly trying to get home.

[momof4boys]

I do not envy your position! It is a very tough one. I lost my beloved mother a year and a half ago. I was an only child and it had been just my mother and myself for most of my life. She loved my four sons more than anything and had an amazing sense of humor to the very end.

 

On a visit in the hospital when we were still not sure what would happen, she made it absolutely clear that she wanted them to live life to its fullest. Two of the boys were planning big trips (one a spring break trip with college friends in a week) and the other was going to Europe after high school graduation with his class.

 

She told them that no matter what , she wanted them to go on their trips and enjoy themselves. She said life was for the living. She died only a few days later, three days before my one son left for spring break, and we jokingly say that she died that day so he would not miss his trip.

 

I do not know what I would have done had she died while he was on the trip. I don't know what I would want if I were in that place---especially as an only child.

 

I think you should abide by your husbands wishes and try to enjoy this long planned trip. Life does go on.....and you never know when it might be your last day.

[Sparky2]

I started cruising Dec. of 2003 at the age of 61. Our friends had asked us to cruise with them for several years. I always said no because of my dad's age.

 

My father was 100 years old and in a nursing home when I went on my first cruise. He had Alzheimer's by this time. I finally decided to go on a cruise because I began to wonder if my father would outlive me???

 

He passed away March of 2004, two weeks before his 101st birthday. He led a fantastic, long life.

[TriciaEMTB]

I would want to be notified. If nothing else, I would want to know so I can at least pray and have quiet time. Pray for the right decisions to be made at home and pray for peace for those dealing with it while my selfish butt is on a cruise ignoring that my parent had passed away and I am too "busy", it might ruin my happy trip or it would cost too much to get home.

 

I can't imagine the conversation with my sister and brother before I leave. "Hey sis and bro, if Mom dies while I am in paradise, don't call or contact me. It would be expensive for me to try to get home, it might ruin my vacation because then I might remember I won't have a Mom to come home to and I want to enjoy the beach without worrying about reality. Ok?"

 

I have 2 kids and I would be so hurt if they either one thought like that. That to me is self-centeredness at it's worse. I have a 93 year old Grandpa that HANGS THE MOON to me! He's awesome, the best and I can't imagine life without him. He's in assisted living and you never know when the last day is. While we were on our cruise, the family knew they BETTER contact me if something happened. I also know I was gone 5 days on the cruise and they would have held the service until I got home if at all possible. I wouldn't expect my children to cut their trip short, nor would Grandpa have expected or wanted me to cut mine short, but to say I don't even want to be notified just wouldn't work for my family.

 

Don't you think it's more selfish that you would want them to put aside their lives and happiness to worry about you when you're a corpse?

 

If I was on my death bed and my cruise buddy (cousin) was questioning whether to go, or If my mom had a trip she'd planned for TWO YEARS and was looking forward to, I would tell them that if they didn't go or came back or mourned and I died I'd haunt their @sses for letting me ruin their hard earned, well deserved, paid for vacation and keeping them from living.

 

What is the point of telling you f you can't do anything and you're stuck? Away from YOUR support systems as well!? To make your children feel helpless and stranded? Wouldn't you want them to squeeze a little more enjoyment out of life before being devastated?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bob46]

The past several years my mother was in very bad health with cancers, heart problems, several bouts of pneumonia, and more. In December, she and my father drove to Florida to spend 3 months near Tampa. They arrived on Dec 30, and on Dec 31 she went into the hospital. After so many times in the hospital, you just asume that she's going to be ok. I went on my cruise On the Dream on Jan 7. The day before I left I talked to my dad and he said my mother should be coming home the next day or two. On Wed the 11th, as I'm leaving my room to go on an excursion, I get a call from my dad saying my mother was in bad shape and may not last the day. She was totally unresponsive the night before at the hospital. We went on our excursion (I didn't know what to tell my son and needed time to think) and when we returned, I went to guest services to see if they could find me a way to get home from Belize or Roatan. I returned to my room and called my dad. He said my mom had made a great recovery and did I want to talk to her? She told me to enjoy my cruise and she would be there when I got back. My mother was always thinking about our happiness and I didn't want her to die thinking she had ruined my cruise. The next day she was unresponsive again. It was a long few days, but we arrived in Port Canaveral on Sat and rented a car to drive to Tampa. My mother passed away on Wed the 16th.

 

As to your original question, if she had died, I don't think I would have wanted to know. I'm glad I got a chance to talk to her, but for obvious reasons, my trip wasn't much fun. But if I had come home early, my mom would have been upset and it would have been just like her for her last words to be "I'm sorry". Her funeral was in April because here in Maine we have to wait for the ground to thaw.

[CanWeGoYet?]

That is another possibility - of the parent taking a turn for the worse and winding up very ill, but still alive and in the hospital. If they have died I can see that there is nothing to be done, but if alive, coherent and wanting to see their loved ones? Unless they are already in hospice care and the staff is under instructions to do nothing but comfort measures.

[K&P Luv2Cruise]

but sometimes folks in nursing homes can linger on for years and years. It is not right that family should wait years and years to have a vacation. Im in not quite so dire a position right now, but with elderly and ailing parents, I have chosen to postpone a cruise or any vacation longer away from home than 3 or 4 days. I have made my choice not travel long distance, but it is taking it's toll on me too. I can sort of understand both sides of this situation. Just saying it could be years before they travel if they just sit around anticipating what might or might not be imminent.

 

SMSACE6 & susie8862;

In 1976 my great grandmother (93yrs old at the time) was admitted to the hospital and her Dr's determined that she "won't survive the night" and all the family was called to say their goodbye's. I was 16 at the time, and devastated that I was going to lose my great grandmother.

 

Well, she survived that night and was admitted to an assisted care facility where she lived for the next 12 years (she was 105 yrs old) !

 

My grandparents (and parents) did not put their vacation / travel plans on hold...could you imagine if they had done that for 12 years !? They would have lost precious time for themselves waiting for "the day" to happen.

 

ALL of our family has the travel rules in place...don't contact me while I'm away.

 

I make sure to connect and see/speak to the important people in my life on a daily or weekly basis (depending on distance) so that I will have no regrets if they pass while I am not there (vacation or just distance).

 

If all of the arrangements are in place, and your DH is comfortable with his decision, go on your vacation. If you cancelled it and waited for something to happen, you may be waiting a long time.

 

My wish is that nothing happens in the next four months, and that you return from your vacation relaxed and with stories to tell both his parents. :)

[CaribbeanLuver]

Last year we went to Jamaica for 12 days....I told everyone ahead of time to NOT call for me any other reason than one of my kids (grown) needed an organ. I specifically told them that if some one died ( and I have 2 elderly parents, one in a nursing home with Alzheimer's) it would wait 'till I got home. You can't fix death! :)

[Jana60]

I would not be planning such a long vacation at this time.

 

Thats a hard call to make. There were doctors telling me my mother would not live more than 2 more years at least 12 years before she finally passed away. We were in Europe on a cruise when my mother became ill and was hospitalized. By the time we arrived home she was on BiPAP. We did not know she was ill until we hit US airspace and our cell phones lit up with messages that we had been unable to receive prior. She lingered for about 1 month after we arrived home and really nothing would have been changed if we had arrived home the day she got sick. Bottom line: you just never know and if you don't vacation because you have a sickly elderly parent you may not get to go on a vacation for 12 years! Best thing is to make sure everyone you love knows it EVERYDAY! Then when they do pass on, with or without warning, there will be grief because you will miss them but no regrets. Don't wait to say "I'm sorry" or "I love you". You may not be able to say them later.

[Wolfie48]

I would want to know, but I would not rush home. My presence would not change what had happened. My parents are older and not in the best health, so I know anything can happen at any time. I would not disrupt my wife's vacation for something we can't control. It may sound cold but death is a fact of life.

 

Having said that only you and your husband can decide what is right for you. I wish you the best with a difficult decision.

[Jana60]

Serious, do "Bereavement fares" really exist? I have never heard of those. I thought one just had to pay the "tough luck, you can book today's very expensive short-notice ticket to fly tomorrow morning" rate.

 

Some airlines do have special fares for this. American Airlines flew my sister home when my mother was in the ICU prior to her death. We called one evening asking about fare and they flew her home the next morning for $450 which was about the same as it would cost if she had booked the flight 60-90 days in advance. On top of that they left the return open and said she could return "when she is ready". It was very kind of them. Best thing was that they did not require that my mother die before giving the flight. They gave the flight in time for her to come visit Mom BEFORE she died.

[halos]

No matter what anyone says, you have to do what is right for you, your husband and your family. The varying responses here have much to do with how one feels about and deals with death. I know first hand that I don't visit cemeteries to 'visit' deceased friends and relatives. Some find this awful. But my beliefs are different that theirs in that I don't believe the deceased person is IN that grave. I believe they're with me always...why go to a cemetery???

It's the same in your situation...it's a matter of your faith, your belief system and what you can live with. If you are going to beat yourself up over missing the funeral should someone die, then you should get home. If you are OK with missing it, that's fine and don't let anyone guilt you into feeling awful. This is about you no matter what anyone else says. If Aunt Berta thinks it is just horrific that you didn't go to the funeral, then she thinks it's horrific....that's on her...not you. If your DH is fine with it and wants to NOT be notified, honor that.

I was close to being in that situation when my Grandmother passed away, but we made it home in time for the services....but if the timing had not been that good and they were scheduled earlier, I would have found a way home if possible. (If you are literally @sea, then it's not possible)

However, I would never judge anyoen if they chose to not want to be notified AND if I were on my deathbed and knew my kids were going on a cruise, my dying wish would be for them to not waste a minute of their vacation and to have LOTS of drinks for me and I'd be right over their shoulders partying with them.

[NewKansasKruiser]

Who said put aside their lives and happiness? I think it is selfish to say "don't ruin my happy place on the beach with reality.." but said nothing about wanting them to be miserable. I didn't say spend thousands coming home suddenly or not going at all, I said notify them of the happening so they could pray for the peole dealing with it. If it were my kids, I would probably be the one that paid for their trip so that they could enjoy themselves instead of sitting around with me! A lot of times death isn't a terrible, awful, devastating thing. Sometimes it is ending a lot of pain. It also means they are entering Heaven's gate and that is a joyous occasion! Rejoicing in the good memories is just as much a part of death.

 

And your sentence about being away from your support system, so you shouldn't be notified? Hmm... God and prayer are always with me.

 

Don't you think it's more selfish that you would want them to put aside their lives and happiness to worry about you when you're a corpse?

 

If I was on my death bed and my cruise buddy (cousin) was questioning whether to go, or If my mom had a trip she'd planned for TWO YEARS and was looking forward to, I would tell them that if they didn't go or came back or mourned and I died I'd haunt their @sses for letting me ruin their hard earned, well deserved, paid for vacation and keeping them from living.

 

What is the point of telling you f you can't do anything and you're stuck? Away from YOUR support systems as well!? To make your children feel helpless and stranded? Wouldn't you want them to squeeze a little more enjoyment out of life before being devastated?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk