Frustrated and at the end of my rope

[Lacaena]

I just need to vent for a minute and see if anybody's gone through anything similar.

 

A little background: my fiancé proposed to me just over a year ago on board a carnival cruise. I feel like I have done enough research to plan 5 weddings but we still have nothing set in stone! Originally I wanted a wedding at home, after realizing how much that would cost and thinking about all the other things we could spend that money on (like a down payment on a house) we decided that wasn't for us. So we opted for a cruise wedding. The idea of spending time with our friends and family and making lifelong memories was really appealing. And I thought other people would think so too.

 

We wanted to get married in St. Thomas while on the NCL Epic. Immediately I started to get pushback from my friends and family; it's asking a lot if people, it's expensive, asking people to take time off of work is hard, that's a long cruise, I hate to fly... Etc. So I changed plans to accommodate people. We thought we would do a weekend on the NCL Sky, 3 days to FL and the Bahamas. Would only require a Friday and a Monday off, relatively inexpensive. I thought that would satisfy most people. Nope! Same complaints. Ok, regroup again. The biggest complaint was about asking people to cruise if they don't want to, a lot of people claimed they did want to though. So I thought alright we'll get married on the Dawn out of Boston and do an embarkation day wedding. We live in southern NH so Boston is super close. I didn't really want a shipboard wedding, I wanted sun and sand and palm trees. Oh well, I thought it would be worth it to try and accommodate people. The cruise is a week long so I knew some people wouldn't be able to make it because of work but I knew a lot of my friends and family could and when you take traveling out of the equation it wasn't too expensive. So most people should be happy, right? Wrong! I felt out my friends and family and no takers. They'd of course come to the wedding but not on the cruise. One yes, from my fiancé's mother. So this has now turned into my honeymoon with my to be husband's mother along for the ride... Don't get me wrong I like her but that's just messed up.

 

What the heck?! I make all these concessions for my guests and what do I get for it? I don't want to twist anyone's arm to get them to come but I had hoped that if I accommodated people as they asked they would WANT to come, they sure made it sound that way. I guess not. Even my own parents weren't going to come on the cruise. So now I feel really sad. Maybe the hurdles that I was trying to remove were really just excuses, I don't know.

 

So now I'm on the verge of saying fine, you don't want to come: don't come. We're doing what we want and that is getting married in the tropics with sun and sand and palm trees. Hope you can come, if not oh well, we'll see you when we get home. Why compromise our happiness and our vision for others when it's never good enough? It's just not worth it, I want to enjoy this process way more than I am.

 

Ugh! Sorry, don't say I didn't warn you that I would vent :) has anybody else gotten to this point of sheer frustration with your potential guests? Thanks!

[lovebelle]

Im so sorry :( If I were you I would just do what you want. It is your wedding and so it should be what you have always dreamed it would be. So if that means sailing to the tropics and getting married on a beach with sun, sand and gorgeous blue water then thats what it should be. You never want to look back and regret forgetting yourself in order to make others happy. Especially if you make all the concessions and people still not have the courtesy of making an appearance. Its YOUR day, not theirs.

 

In planning my next cruise I really went out of my way to accomodate people and their budgets. I picked a less ideal itinerary and shorter cruise just to make people happy. When I realized I did all that for nothing because people backed out and made up excuses or just seeemed hesitant, I finally said to myself, forget it Im done. So I just ended up booking what I ultimately wanted to do and said you all do what you want.

 

Anyway, I know how important it is to want to share your special moment with those you love. But I also think they need to give you a break and just be supportive. I hope in the end your wedding is everything you dream it will be :)

[MackC]

How sad. I'm sorry that something thats supposed to be fun is becoming not so fun.

 

Things that you are experiencing are the reason my now husband and I had a very small destination wedding. We went from a 200 person full catholic wedding to a 30 person $10k wedding on Lake Tahoe (in CA).

 

One thing I will say is, what ever you decide to do you've got to fully commit to it :) otherwise people will continue to try and dictate your wedding. Best wishes and congrats on your engagement and up communing wedding. I hope you'll post a photo of your dress in the "formal" forum.

[rollissaria]

My future hubby and I had decided right off the bat we were going to do a destination wedding...looked into a few options, and decided that we were going to rent this huge mansion on the beach on Virginia Beach. We were spending $7,000 to rent it for a week, and just saying "if you can or want to donate, great, if not, no worries." And we picked VA beach because it is drive able and doable for even the most economical budget, especially since we had paid for the house, and thought everyone would be ecstatic we put so much thought into our choice and making it affordable to them....WRONG!

 

Everyone moaned and groaned and complained about it! The biggest complaint were the dates...how dare we pick Memorial Day weekend!? That's a holiday weekend, you can't take that from us! The teachers in the group all complained about having to use their vacation time. And everyone else complained it wasn't tropical enough. I'm sorry....but I just spent $7,000 of my money on a feeling 10 bedroom MANSION and you people still want to complain!? Fine.

 

We were so hurt, we decided and realized, we can't ever make everyone happy and we needed to regroup and do what was right for us and what we wanted. I have two daughters from a previous marriage and we have one baby together...we wanted all along something family friendly and fun, and something we could all enjoy...so decided on a cruise, and picked the dates, ships, and ports we wanted...and I picked an embarkation wedding because it was what I wanted, nobody else's opinion mattered in that.

 

And you know what? There were still complaints...cruise? I don't want to cruise! 5 nights? I want to do 7! You're getting married in July? Yuck! To which we nicely replied, yup! That's what we decided, hope you can make it....and if not, we will see ya when we return.

 

Now we have 17 people, including us, sailing, and 3 non sailing...and that's fine with me. All that matters is that I'm marrying my love and our daughters will be there...and most important, it's what we want, nobody else.

 

Long reply, and I'm sorry...but when I read your post it struck a nerve because I totally feel your pain and frustration. Do what is right for you two...they'll either come or they won't, but in the end the result is the same...you're married to the love of your life.

[Lacaena]

Thanks for the support! As much as I wish nobody else had this experience because it stinks, it also makes me feel better to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and people have come out the other side just fine. I think embracing what we want is the right choice and hopefully those closest to us will be able to join us and if not they can be there in spirit. Thanks :)

[kycruiser87]

I am so sorry to hear that! I think just about everyone on this board will probably have a similar story to tell. You can't make everyone happy...only yourself. If there is any correct time in your life for you to be selfish, it is most definitely your wedding day. Do what will make you happy, don't have any regrets, because hopefully, you won't have another chance to do this again! At the end of the day, as long as you and your soul mate are united, that is all that matters! Best of luck, and this board is always here if/when you need to vent again!

[lightskinedgyal]

Hey! I totally understand posted a thread about this last week from a 2011 thread. It's crazy how we try to please people and they still don't come! Do what you want which includes sunny destination!

[foxesden1]

Take the cruise you want for you and your husband. If your MIL is there, well it is her son. Maybe pay for her to bring a friend. So she will not be alone, or at dinner with you both nightly.

[fldogmassage]

I agree. You need to book the wedding for you and your fiance. It is about the two of you. If people can come great. We were originally booked for our wedding in July and had to move it. At first a bunch of people were cruising and with the new date no one could. Now being a week from my wedding I am so happy it is just us. I really want the time. We still have non sailing guest coming but we get our time and we picked what we wanted. Being this close, I really am happy for that.

 

When its all over and you look back at the day and look at the pictures all you will see are you and him.

[Pyrofish]

We had a similar experience when we did our wedding in March. We just bought 5 acres in November, but it's a fixer-upper, and there are still tons of things that need to be done. I wanted it in our new backyard, and my wife wanted it anywhere BUT. So we compromised.. and did what she wanted :) Anyway, the cruise thing sounded great, I had never been on a cruise, and she had never been on one longer than 2 nights to the Bahamas.

 

We considered a 3 day to the Bahamas to get married on the beach, as you say. It sounded beautiful, and the costs in March were only $200/head. Since we already live in Florida, we could have helped out some of our family members and paid for them to go. However, the allure of a 7 day was very tempting... and did we really want our giddy-smothering-mothers on our honeymoon?

 

So we gauged interest in the wedding at port. I really thought we'd have a bevy of friends come along. At first impression, it appeared we'd be sailing with about 15 friends and family. The came the hotel block booking, and I was so glad we didn't try to block-sail on the wedding... we got arguments right from the start on the hotel. "Get a better hotel with a bar and restaurant on site." "Get a cheaper hotel so more people will come." "How much is parking? Why can't parking be free for the week?" Of the 60 guests we invited, 50 were set to attend, and I couldn't block 10 rooms... We booked the "better" hotel with the bar downstairs, and half the people complained about it costing more. Had we gone to the other hotel, the other half would have complained about needing to go offsite to get dinner... The decision came down to my new Aunt saying, go to the one I want, and I'll pay for your room and buy dinner. Bribe accepted :cool: Complaints poured in.... :rolleyes:

 

After the hotel fiasco, then we started to hear rumors about the cruise. Why did they pick the cruise? Why weren't we invited? I guess we weren't good enough to attend? I don't want to go through security! I don't want to give you my ID info! I'm not sure I can drive all the way to the port... and on and on. It was amazing... it was as if they truly didn't realize, this was not about them. My wife was crying/mad at some of the comments we were hearing 2nd and 3rd hand. I told her "Screw 'em. If they come they come, don't let that affect our day." It took a month for her to finally come to that same conclusion. I tried to make them all accepting of the wedding by extolling the virtues of the price/head and the no-cleanup. Seriously, for the price, you get alot, and then toss in a honeymoon to boot... it's a very good deal. That swayed some folks to "put-up-with" the port, and the security.

 

Afterwards, the ones who didn't come, don't know what they missed. The ones who did, were heartily impressed with the experience. We had guests not show up, or decide at the hotel they weren't going to attend. That made the wife pretty mad... but how do you tell your guests that you just spent $35/head for them to be there... so each couple was $70 thrown away... if there were no kids. Some of them knew in advance too, some didn't even show with no word till we got back. I think we had 9 people not show or decide to just say congrats at the hotel... $310 out the window...

 

Plus the whole cruising guests thing. 2 couples went with us, 4 out of the planned 15 went on the cruise.

 

I think I just vented a bit myself... Here's what matters though. The day of, and when the honeymoon starts, all of these cares, and all of the hassle getting DL#s and herding cats into the shuttles at the hotel... all of that stress melts away, and the cruise is fantastic. We have many more fond memories of the day and week that followed, than we have of the hassle and the nonsense leading up to it. Regardless of who showed, we are very happy we did it like we did. I even have to admit, though I'd have enjoyed having 200 people in the back yard, with a band, and fireworks... it was the right way to go for us, and afterward, most of our family and friends agreed. :D

[Artemis908]

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me.

 

First I wanted to get married in the Dominican Republic, but then my sister in law got pregnant so that couldn't work.

 

So we decided an embarkation day wedding out of NY (My husband's family lives in PA, my family in NJ). I thought at least some people would come, even went as far as booking through a travel agent so that we could get a group rate (I never use travel agents, I am a huge planner so don't need them).

 

No one but MY mom and her friend (who I didn't even know but had to invite to my wedding) went on the cruise, so then suddenly I am sharing my honeymoon with my mother.

 

In the end, it was fine. My mom was fine with setting some boundaries, we only saw her for dinner. We did our own shore excursions and our own thing on the ship and she was completely fine with that so it didn't feel like she was always there.

 

Everyone who was important to me showed up for the wedding (73 guests total). I saved a TON of money (everything was paid off within a year of getting married) and had a completely memorable wedding. From the officiant, to the photographer, to the ship coordinators were terrific. Even though an off ship wedding on the beach would have beautiful, I am glad we were able to share our day with so many of closest friends and relatives. And in the end, I think it was probably nicer to have most of the cruise for us instead of having to share it with a bunch of others. :)

[tabithakp]

i have been engaged for 15yrs! i planned our wedding for feb 2nd 2002 on a cruise. it became sooo stressful i called the whole thing off.

 

So 12 years later i am trying it again, (thankfully with the same wonderful man).

 

We've also had 2 children!!!

 

its the same crap all over again, the difference this time, i dont care! ive stopped talking about the wedding plans, people will recieve an invite and if they come they come, if they dont oh well.

 

so today i firmed up our cruise with our travel agent! Carnival liberty jan 25th 2014!

 

my kids are thrilled they love cruising and carnival has a great special needs department for my son, so i think thats more important then any cranky opinionated guest/family member.

 

stay strong! its your day not theres!

[Lacaena]

I have to say, I'm really surprised how many people have gone through this. It's crazy! I don't know what it is about a cruise wedding that makes guests feel they have the right to voice their complaints, especially if they aren't going along for the vaca! My friends who have had land weddings have not dealt with this. The bottom line for me now is that I hope people can come; but, I understand I'm making choices that make it difficult to impossible for some of my guests and I respect that. If it ends up being me and my fh and his mom so be it! We'll have a great time and have a few good laughs at the weird situation. We've traveled with her before and it's always been a good time.

 

Thank you all again for sharing your experiences it really does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one!

[dcdiva]

What always surprises me about cruise and destination weddings is that guests think they should have a say. At a traditional land-based wedding, do the guests get to weigh in on the date and the venue? I mean, you might have close family or friends express opinions. But most invited guests would just say "sorry, I can't come" if it was at an inconvenient time or place. Not demand that you change things to accomodate them.

 

Of course, a destiantion wedding costs more for the guests. But I think most brides (and guests) realize that the higher cost means fewer people will be able to attend. In fact, that's why lots of brides choose a location far from home.

 

There's no pleasing everyone, so I say, just do what you'd like. If people come great. If they don't, it's their loss.

[CruisingSeason]

Getting married in Sept in St.Thomas. And yep, went through the same thing. I finally had to make peace with myself and say screw this. The only important thing is that my fiance and I are happy. I threw it out there that this is where we were goning to get married and so sorry if you can't come, you will be missed.

 

With that, I have decided I will make NO concessions. Not going to make anyone's life easier for any thing becuase once you do you will piss someone else off and its a cycle.

 

The end result is you and he. That's it. Thats all that matters!

[BattershellBride2014]

Unfortunately, our guests forget that it's not about them, it's about us. I'm going through the same thing. I live all the way in Hawaii, so if I have the wedding here, it's going to be RIDICULOUSLY expensive, not only for us, but for THEM! So I looked at prices and decided it will cost LESS for people to fly to Seattle, WA and take a week long cruise to Alaska than it would to fly here and spend a week entertaining themselves. The cruise is what we really, really want. But his parents are not really on board and even suggested that we change it to Reno! Reno?? Seriously?? Luckily, even my fiance agrees it's about us and he is supporting the cruise idea. My Mom is concerned about the cost because she'll have to pay for my Grandmother as well, but she also says that she'll make it happen if that's what we really want :)

 

Anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes!

[DMLyons]

From experience, do whatever will make you and your husband happy. Period. End of subject. If you want to, elope on the cruise. If they don't like it, too bad. They don't have to send a gift. Their choice. That probably sounds cold and harsh, but I gave up trying to please people over a wedding or other party when I got married. I've taught my kids that the party/celebration/event is to please the person hosting or the person who is the centerpiece of the party, if that's not the host. Being a wedding doesn't make it any different. The memories are for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. It's nice if others like what you do, but it's not necessary. You should never plan to please others. They're your special memories. The only reason I would entertain trying to appease others at all is if your special memories include having your parents along as well as his mother. Then...well, try to work something out, I suppose.

 

That doesn't mean to go out of your way to offend people or make them uncomfortable. My daughter had a huge party when she turned 18. Some of her friends were allergic to chocolate and some were vegetarians. I made sure there was a veg meal option for the party, and we made sure there were both chocolate and non-chocolate options for desserts. But if someone didn't like the date, time, decorations we chose, cake we chose, venue...too bad for them. The party was designed to make MY DAUGHTER happy and secondarily to accommodate special needs of attendees, so I would be sure they ate. I didn't drop the meal my daughter wanted to accommodate others. That just doesn't compute for me.

 

DML

[SadieN]

 

 

........................... We had guests not show up, or decide at the hotel they weren't going to attend. That made the wife pretty mad... but how do you tell your guests that you just spent $35/head for them to be there... so each couple was $70 thrown away... if there were no kids. Some of them knew in advance too, some didn't even show with no word till we got back. I think we had 9 people not show or decide to just say congrats at the hotel... $310 out the window...

 

..........................

 

Every wedding we have gone to there are always a few who do not show up.

[Talisker92]

Amen!! I have refused to be "camp director" on a number of occasions because of the above problems.

My wife and I eloped and got married on the Island of Santorini. It was beautiful, and it was just the two of us!

The story and pictures are on our website

[DMLyons]

Amen!! I have refused to be "camp director" on a number of occasions because of the above problems.

 

It's funny that you phrase it that way, since I actually was a Senior Counselor at a summer camp for two years when I was younger. :p

 

DML

[trish1c]

Everyone here is being supportive but honestly I think you are being very unrealistic.

Destination weddings can be lovely. The downside is that you don't get guests. If you have a destination wedding, the tradeoff is fewer people come. Just because you think it would be wonderful to get married on a cruise doesn't mean your nearest & dearest want to burn their precious vacation days off from work & spend a lot of money doing something that may have no interest in, at a time of year when they don't chose to go away.

To expect people to spend thousands of dollars and several days on your wedding is . . . well, self absorbed is one of the kinder adjectives I can come up with to describe this level of unmitigated gall.

You picked this & I hope it's everything you want but you have no right to expect people to make the kinds of sacrifices you seem to want just because you would rather save the costs of a traditional & expensive wedding reception to spend money on a house down payment.

Truthfully you are making the more prudent financial choice but it's your choice. Respect your friends & family enough to understand that while they don't get to select the style of wedding you have they do get to "vote with their feet" & not attend.

Before you decide that I'm being a B&^%#, post your same rant over on The Knot or at least read through the posts by other brides to be who share your sentiments. Those women will set you straight.

If you want every body there -- spend the money & have it at home where it's convenient for everybody or have a destination wedding & be grateful for those who do attend but don't expect anybody to come. You don't get both.

[lightskinedgyal]

Everyone here is being supportive but honestly I think you are being very unrealistic.

 

Destination weddings can be lovely. The downside is that you don't get guests. If you have a destination wedding, the tradeoff is fewer people come. Just because you think it would be wonderful to get married on a cruise doesn't mean your nearest & dearest want to burn their precious vacation days off from work & spend a lot of money doing something that may have no interest in, at a time of year when they don't chose to go away.

 

To expect people to spend thousands of dollars and several days on your wedding is . . . well, self absorbed is one of the kinder adjectives I can come up with to describe this level of unmitigated gall.

 

You picked this & I hope it's everything you want but you have no right to expect people to make the kinds of sacrifices you seem to want just because you would rather save the costs of a traditional & expensive wedding reception to spend money on a house down payment.

 

Truthfully you are making the more prudent financial choice but it's your choice. Respect your friends & family enough to understand that while they don't get to select the style of wedding you have they do get to "vote with their feet" & not attend.

 

Before you decide that I'm being a B&^%#, post your same rant over on The Knot or at least read through the posts by other brides to be who share your sentiments. Those women will set you straight.

 

If you want every body there -- spend the money & have it at home where it's convenient for everybody or have a destination wedding & be grateful for those who do attend but don't expect anybody to come. You don't get both.

 

Hello Trish,

In my opinion you have not read this thread correctly. I sat here and read all messages before I responded. No one is saying that we expect guest to come or to take their hard earned money and come to our wedding as a matter of fact most brides said they understand if people cannot come! What is the main point in this thread is the frustration of guests COMPLAINING about the wedding not EXPECTING. So let me clarify we do not care either way if guest come we do care when our guests call us and tell other people how awful our decision is to have a cruise wedding. We get frustrated when our closest family/friends express there opinion and we listen to them and change things to ease the financial burden to hopefully help and they still do not come and continue to complain. So in all I wanted to state and I think I can speak for all brides on here that no one expects anyone to come to their wedding! I do not think you are anything but expressing your opinion and I have expressed mine as well. I did not take your comments personal but I just wanted to let you know my own.

Furthermore i do not think anyone is "afraid" to express their concerns on any other site and did not see the significance in your comment?

 

Hope you have a blessed day!

 

Megan

[rollissaria]

Hello Trish,

In my opinion you have not read this thread correctly. I sat here and read all messages before I responded. No one is saying that we expect guest to come or to take their hard earned money and come to our wedding as a matter of fact most brides said they understand if people cannot come! What is the main point in this thread is the frustration of guests COMPLAINING about the wedding not EXPECTING. So let me clarify we do not care either way if guest come we do care when our guests call us and tell other people how awful our decision is to have a cruise wedding. We get frustrated when our closest family/friends express there opinion and we listen to them and change things to ease the financial burden to hopefully help and they still do not come and continue to complain. So in all I wanted to state and I think I can speak for all brides on here that no one expects anyone to come to their wedding! I do not think you are anything but expressing your opinion and I have expressed mine as well. I did not take your comments personal but I just wanted to let you know my own.

Furthermore i do not think anyone is "afraid" to express their concerns on any other site and did not see the significance in your comment?

 

Hope you have a blessed day!

 

Megan

 

Agreed!!!! 100%

[Carnival_Brides]

Before you decide that I'm being a B&^%#, post your same rant over on The Knot or at least read through the posts by other brides to be who share your sentiments. Those women will set you straight.

 

 

How'd you find your way to this thread? I post on quite a few other wedding boards and have never had women "set me straight" about my wedding choices--including the part where we "forced" our families to cruise for seven whole days! In fact, most of them were envious of our plan.

 

OP--I totally understand the frustration you're having and I think we have all been there at one point or another. Having a destination wedding is mostly about managing expectations. We weren't expecting our nearest and dearest to blow their vacation time to come to our wedding, but when we realized that getting them to make the 45 minute drive to the cruise port for an embarkation wedding was next to impossible, we decided on an at-sea wedding with our immediate families and a small handful of close friends. It was even less expensive to do it this way than to have an embarkation wedding, but that was an added benefit. We wanted our parents and siblings to cruise badly enough that we paid a portion of their cruisefare to make that happen. Obviously not everyone can do this and we were barely able to, but if you have ViP's who you can't imagine your wedding without, you may want to talk over the options with those people and find a happy medium.

 

I hope it works out for you!