50 shades of the orion

[geomagot]

a novel

 

there was a queue for the orion resturant, you are at the back, half way up the stairs.....from the entrance a waiter waves to you.... sir magot! sir magot! he calls, you’re compelled to wave back secretly hoping that the rest of the queue/restaurant really do think you really are really 'sir magot of somewhere?'

 

you waft down the stairs, past the queue wearing your bestest, yes that was me they were calling, me, sir thingamajig? expression, lady magot follows (at a distance) looking like she is only going to look at the picture that she has spotted at the bottom of the stairs that was handily right by the front of the queue

 

you get to the restaurant doors and just as you are about to walk in and say 'oooooh did you call? did someone call for me.... yes me.... the sir of somewhere or other?' when the lift opens and lord bob and lady madge emerge (i know shes a lady because she has a cocktail umbrella in her hair and bob has a deep golden tan)

 

they are beckoned by virtually every waiter in the room, they walk straight in and are seated at their table in seconds while the waiters with a theatrical flounce delicately place their serviettes on their laps and proceed to recount anecdotes from long ago cruises on the destiny which was when they first met

 

you look around....momentarily stranded at the front of the queue, the rest of the queues attention is suddenly diverted away from lord golden tan and immediately directed at you!...lady magot is studying the picture? off to the left just out of eyeshot

 

the head waiter returns and calls for lord and lady someone else? you grab lady magot and tear her away from the picture and tramp back up the stairs, the queue is even longer and you are getting as many withering looks as you are getting sympathetic weak smiles

 

Eventually you get a table, you sit down (did the waiter nearly pull that chair out from under you? just then?) with a flourish he pulls out the serviette and slaps you on the back of the head with it

 

then he takes all your glasses away?... ‘dont worry sir, the wine waiter will be along in just a minute’.... you look over, the wine waiter is in deep jovial conversation with lord golden tan, you smile, the waiter doesnt see you, you give a little wave, he doesnt see that either

 

someone at the next table says something and points in your direction, you check your flys

 

the waiter comes back with the menu, he wont let go of it and you have to read it with his hand covering up the top dish?

 

me: i think i will have the gazpacho

 

ah excellent choice sir.... one cold soup

 

me: whats calamari?

 

waiter: tentacles

 

me: i'll have the tentacles please

 

me: ohh opera cake.... la la la laaa lah laaaah!!

 

waiter: groan

 

the meal arrives

 

you are chewing on a huge mouthful of calamari when the headwaiter passes and asks if everything is fine?

 

mummmmph fankkks! you say nodding

 

2 seconds later 3 others come over and ask the same question

 

spluuutt mummphf fuuttphaah!

 

An hour later you are still waiting for your pudding, the waiter has taken away the bread that you were saving and you want to go and get a seat for the show (that’s not gonna be behind a pillar)

 

lady magot looks at her watch, she looks left, she looks right, everyone else has puddings...'shall we sneak out?' she whispers behind her napkin

 

okay... we stand up....the pudding arrives from somewhere behind your left shoulder

 

'your opera cake sir...... laalaalaalaalaaah ...ha ha ha!… you are so funny sir...groan'

 

you are just about to put a spoonful of opera cake to your lips when 3 waiters turn up with a guitar?

 

'you are my sunshine la la sunshine do do doo dobie dobie grey'

 

your opera cake is melting, lady magot has eaten hers and is inspecting the curtains very closely?

 

You applaud the waiters, the people at the next table are inspecting the floor

 

coffee sir?

 

lady magot gives you a withering look while looking at her watch (how does she do that?)

 

uh..no thanks..better not

 

what no coffeeee really ahh.... honestly sir? no coffeeee? are you sure?...oh ok then see you tomorrow byeeee! and backs quickly away before he’s even completed the sentence;) :D:D

 

.

[CRUISIN LINDA]

Very good geo :D:D:

 

Now you see why we sometimes use the buffet for our evening meal ;);) At least we get to see the show without obstructions :rolleyes::D

[Little Nell]

You cheer me up on a dreich day, Geo :D

[Julessmiles]

Thanks Geo - anyone would think you were a regular Thomson cruiser ;)

[kruzseeka]

One thing for sure geo................... it won't be like that when we've gone German!!!!!:eek::D

 

Thanks for making me smile - we can always rely on you!! :)

[Jakanne1]

Wow, Geo. :). Brilliant. :). I think we've all experienced much of that. I'm afraid I do not like the guitar playing and singing at the table. I would rather they served me my food so that I too, could get to the theatre before all the seats are taken.

[FOD1984]

I must admit being on the verge of a meltdown when I thought the singers would stop at our table, in the Medusa lounge. Couldn't think of anything worse!

 

Your post sums it up nicely! Only ate in Orion twice. Food average to poor. Service slow. Very dated decor and just didn't do anything for me.

 

The Grill. Excellent! Couldn't fault it and although there was a singer she sang at the very front and didn't approach the tables.

 

Buffets. Pretty good all in all. Good variety, hot and fresh. Particularly liked nipping up after cocktails and casino for a mid night feast. The food tasted even better after six or so frozen margaritas!

Edited February 13, 2015 by FOD1984

[Little Nell]

Wow, Geo. :). Brilliant. :). I think we've all experienced much of that. I'm afraid I do not like the guitar playing and singing at the table. I would rather they served me my food so that I too, could get to the theatre before all the seats are taken.

 

I agree completely, Jakanne. I want good service, not to be sung to by waiters in a restaurant.

[kalos]

Just an after thought Geo but if you must eat Calamari could you not wait until the ships Fancy Dress Night escape from the dining room and go along as Davey Jones (Pirates of the Caribbean );):D:D

[stevedeccaman]

I remember a cruise on the Dream :confused:

 

We were sharing a table with a young couple who were celebrating (as we all do) the waiters who noticed the couple(think they were the swingers in Benidorm) descended on our table in great numbers, napkins everywhere galore, and then the guitars and banjos and singing arrived ching ching donkety donk ………….. Me starving,"May I have some soup please?” I asked napkin in hand petrified and a guitar string in my ear

More………. you want more the burly waiter asked?:eek:..... and then I woke up in our cabin after a nice pre dinner nap and went to the Lido buffet ;)

 

Stevie

[happy v]

Wow, Geo. :). Brilliant. :). I think we've all experienced much of that. I'm afraid I do not like the guitar playing and singing at the table. I would rather they served me my food so that I too, could get to the theatre before all the seats are taken.

 

I agree completely, Jakanne. I want good service, not to be sung to by waiters in a restaurant.

 

I thought it was just me.

I didn't mention it in case people thought I was a misery.

I don't like the photographers either.

[CRUISIN LINDA]

I don't like the photographers either.

Me neither Vera :rolleyes: last october on the Majesty, I don't think we had one photo taken :):)

[gillhalfpint]

Me neither Vera :rolleyes: last october on the Majesty, I don't think we had one photo taken :):)

 

We started saying no thanks, but find it easier just to smile. let them take a photo, but don't bother going to look for them.

[CRUISIN LINDA]

We started saying no thanks, but find it easier just to smile. let them take a photo, but don't bother going to look for them.

They didn't even ask to take them though Gill :eek:

[gillhalfpint]

Over the last year I haven't seen so many of them. They seem to be more of a nuisance blocking the way with the portrait set ups than pestering everyone, and the furry animals at the gangway seem to have gone. I think the only ones taken of us after the initial ones were in MDR having our meal on captains night.

[geomagot]

the photographers are a dinosaur from the past... from the golden age of cruising when regular cruisers probably could afford all the new expensive state of the art technology (box brownies) but didnt know how to use it because google and facebook hadnt been invented back then

 

these days everyone has state of the art smart cameras with 1000s of functions and inbuilt powerful editing software which most newspaper publishers would dream of having but cant because they are too busy employing accountants (preferably with an expertise in hiding tax):rolleyes:

 

anyway

 

most people (and their pets) these days can take super fine high definition pics & videos of the inside of the dishwasher or even if their gadget happens to be? (for some reason) frozen into a block of ice!:confused:

 

with a selfie stick you can even take photos of the bottom of the sea/inside the toilet cistern or from the bottom of a well.... (if you happen to be trapped down a well?) even your pets can take super hi quality pics (of it rescuing you from the well)

 

people dont need hard copy photos anymore they have 1000's of pics already stored on their mobiles and even more 1000's of pics of other peoples pet rescues/furniture/food/silly hairstyles/dishwashers/people throwing ice buckets over themselves? that deluges everyones facebook feed every morning:(

 

who needs a hard copy of a (relatively) normal holiday snap of you shaking hands with some guys in uniform? hard copies are a bit tricky to put on facebook (aren't they);) instead, they have to be put in a dusty album stored under the bed where no one ever goes and where no one can ‘like’ them or ‘comment’ on them;)

 

:D

[CRUISIN LINDA]

How true geo! Summed it up perfectly (as usual :D)

[Langtoncouple]

Aw I like the guitar playing in the Orion, but not at times when the waiters are run of their feet. I like the olde elegance of the Orion.