A Bitter Sea Dog’s Guide to Surviving Alaska – A Celebrity Millennium PHOTO REVIEW

[WinksCruises]

A Note from Winks:

Sorry for posting a summer repeat in what should be a new fall season of content, but I’m re-upping this previous tale that we had Cruise Critic take down when the photo links got all corrupted.

Here it is again, back with working pictures, for those of you that missed seeing them.

 

In our course of 20-years of cruising, Mrs. Winks and I have had a number of notable cabin stewards, bartenders, cruise directors and concierges. Each of whom has played a pivotal role in making our vacations at sea memorable ones (and on the occasional voyage, serving as a reliable source for bail funding). But sheepishly, once the cuffs are off, I must admit, for the life of me, I don’t recall the name of a single one of them. Except Graeme.

 

Occasionally, I’ll check the “Who’s on Board” spreadsheet that’s posted here on the Cruise Critic forums. That’s the Google doc that maintains an up-to-date tally on which crew members have been assigned to what position on which ship, covering everyone from the Master to your favorite Laundry Room seamstress. But in perusing that list, I never come across a name I recall. I’ve either forgotten the name entirely, or they’ve simply moved on to a different cruise line or out of the industry entirely. Except Graeme.

 

Graeme has been a Celebrity Cruise line staple for about fifteen years now. When we first met him, he was the Michael’s Club host on the Celebrity Constellation in 2013, and to be honest, we couldn’t stand him! We were awkward Celebrity first timers, given Michael’s Club access owing to our Diamond status on their sister line, Royal Caribbean. (Royal Diamond access to Celeb’s Michael's Club was a perk then, but it’s since been discontinued).

 

Every evening at Michael’s, Graeme would fawn over the other assembled guests, the couples he’d built a rapport with over multiple sailings, regaling them with his boorish cruise-life stories - typically gossip about previous guests - and telling silly jokes, performing parlor tricks and employing the most excruciating puns, that never failed to elicit belly laughs and smiles. First timers, Mrs. Winks and I would sit back in some dark corner of the overcrowded lounge, huddled over an emptied carafe of cocktail peanuts, unacknowledged, like outcasts of some sort of Michael’s Club leper colony. Of course we were jealous! We wanted to have laughs with Graeme, too!

 

To his credit, I do remember Graeme being of great service the morning we disembarked the Constellation, when he made sure, if anything, that he got us off his ship with great efficiency!

 

I asked Graeme about all this one evening, while we were having drinks in the Cosmos Lounge, sailing out of Icy Strait Point on this current cruise. For this contract, Graeme was Millennium’s Captain’s Club Loyalty Host, and made it a point of attending every evening’s Elite cocktail hour.

After we detailed our initial experience meeting him as host of Michael’s Club during our first Celebrity cruise, and how we felt left out and uncool, he grinned his signature toothy smile and said in his South African, British accent, “Winks. You were Royal people. I knew that. And I wasn’t going to invest time in you.” He laughed and grabbed Mrs. Winks’ arm and continued. “You see, Royal Diamonds are known fleet-wide for being such dreadful, snotty, and needy people! Did I really need any more of that in my life!?” He was joking of course, but I was so glad we had broken through to him and could kid around with him accordingly.

 

You see, that’s Graeme in a nutshell. Brash, outspoken, and candid. It might be a bit off-putting at first. Perhaps annoying to some. But if you roll with it long enough, you realize it’s all part of a witty and darkly humorous shtick he has. And when it comes to concierges or lounge hosts, he brings an astonishing, unforgettable, one-of-a-kind persona to the position. Celebrity has a gem with this one.

 

 

Hanging out with Graeme during the Elite cocktail hour was always an evening highlight!

 

After that first Michael’s Club experience, over the years Mrs. Winks and I ran into Graeme on a couple of other sailings, most notably a short, 4-night Bahamas cruise (what were we thinking?) in 2015. We were aboard the Constellation again, but by this time, Michael’s Club had become a suite-guest only venue, so aft balcony riff-raff like us were relegated to the Elite/Diamond evening cocktail hour up in the Reflections Sky Observation Lounge. Graeme was in attendance every night, working the room with his boisterous tales. And this time, he did come over to speak with us if only briefly and perfunctorily. Always polite and always professional. But he wasn’t showing us the real "fun-time Graeme" just yet. That takes years to uncover, apparently.

So for this Alaska voyage in 2018 on the Millennium, we made a conscious effort to engage him, and share a laugh or two - which ended up so ingratiating us to him. And let me tell you, it was well worth the effort. What joyous relief Mrs. Winks and I felt. We had been finally granted entrée to fun-time Graeme’s very elite circle of trust.

 

And alas, just as Graeme and I were finally hitting it off, wouldn’t you know that Momma Bear decided it was the perfect time to step in, rear her ugly head, and nearly ruin my budding bromance with the only loyalty host I’d ever remember the name of… Graeme.

 

 

Caught in a bad Bromance!

“You’ve got to get me lounge access!” Momma Bear pleaded, leaping out of the corner as I was returning from the lavatory just outside the Cosmos Lounge.

 

“Oh please. You’re a Zenith Ultimate Bear Family Plus; you can access any lounge you want,” I responded, bitterly acknowledging that Celebrity had carved out a new loyalty level just for her and her cubs. Graeme, as loyalty host, having assured me earlier in the week that it was, in fact, true.

 

She looked away dismayed, a crocodile tear forming at the edge of her lashes. “But ever since Conrad had that little incident docking the ship, and the stay in the brig, and his strong words with the Captain,” she looked up at me and then collapsed into tears.

“They’ve revoked our Captain’s Club status this sailing!! I’m so embarrassed…”

 

“Good Lord,” I stammered, suddenly empathetic. “Not your Captain’s Club status!”

 

“I need to get in the lounge, Winks. I can’t stand it out here,” she pleaded, looking around the deserted landing. “With all these…. wretches from the buffet line and their chair hogging friends. They’re, they’re… animals!” She physically started shaking.

 

“I know, I know,” I said, placing a sympathetic arm around her shoulder. “But what I can do about it?”

 

She immediately shot into Momma Bear mode. “You can talk to Graeme for me, of course. You can grease the wheel a little, and let him know you won’t truly enjoy the Celebrity experience without Momma Bear in the lounge.”

 

“But…” I hesitated, suddenly realizing that the Celebrity experience had actually been a lot more enjoyable and relaxing in her absence from the lounge. “I hardly know the guy. What’s his name again?”

 

“You’ve got to do this for me, Winks. You’re my only friend on this ship. Everyone else, they… they just hate us,” she reverted back to sobbing mode. “They’re all jealous of us, and they hate seeing me and the cubs succeed.” It was true.

 

I thought about her and her family. How they had commandeered our land tour several times in the quest to get their way. But at the same time, I felt the genuine pain she was experiencing from losing loyalty club status and being shunned from the Cosmos Lounge. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Graeme up to his usual hijinks in the Cosmos Lounge

“Hello, it’s Graeme. Why aren’t you here for the back stage tour I arranged for you?”

 

Click. We all heard the phone go dead on him.

“Oh wow, she just hung up on me.” He turned to look at us, aghast and in shock.

 

It’s 9 am on our final sea day and we’re sitting in the front row of an empty Celebrity Theater. Graeme has graciously invited a handful of us Elites to take an exclusive backstage tour, hosted by the troupe’s stage manager, his wife Amy. Two girls haven’t shown up for the tour, so Graeme has called their stateroom from his mobile phone to see if they were running late.

 

“Should I call them again?” he polls the group.

 

Siblings of the two absent girls giggle nervously, “They’re not coming. They’re still, uh, sleeping.”

 

“Sleeping? Or perhaps they had too much to drink last night?” chuckles Graeme.

 

The girls laugh out loud. He’d hit the nail squarely on the head.

 

“Let’s find out for sure, shall we?” He redials the stateroom.

 

“Hello? Yes, it’s your Loyalty Club Host, Graeme,” he pronounces officially into the phone. “Why aren’t you here for this very special, backstage tour I jumped through many hoops to arrange for you?”

 

He smiles and winks knowingly, like a mischievous British school boy, to the rest of us.

There is some incoherent mumbling and nervous giggling on the other end of the line.

 

“You say it’s because you had too much to drink last night?!” he laughs. “Well, listen. I’m here with my wife, the beautiful Amy, and these other wonderful people and we’re ready to begin the stage tour. I have to say this is a little embarrassing for me. Are you sure you won’t be joining us?”

 

I have long since debated with myself whether Graeme actually placed that second phone call to their stateroom after being hung up on the first time. Or was he rather speaking into a disconnected phone as part of an elaborate showman’s ruse he was staging just for us.

Whichever the case, it was sheer comedy gold - as he continued, for another few minutes, in actuality or not, to tease the absent, hungover girls for not being physically capable of showing up for “his” tour.

 

It was one of the most unusual things I’ve ever seen coming from a concierge (because that’s what Graeme truly is, a concierge; he provides services to the passengers that far exceed a loyalty host’s duties). It was hysterical, bombastic, and the moment is now permanently etched into my mind. That’s just Graeme. Which is why I’ll always remember his name.

 

Graeme placing a call to the absent girls as we await the backstage tour

One evening, Mrs. Winks and I arrive at the Cosmos lounge for the Elite cocktail hour and Graeme is nowhere to be seen. Instead, there is a younger fellow, looking awkwardly out-of-place, parading around the floor in a gauche purple plaid bow tie, stiffly ironed Chaps shirt and dress jeans. He is working the room, making Graeme’s usual stops, but with none of Graeme’s enduring flair and boisterousness.

 

“What’s up with this clown?” asks Mrs. Winks, as it becomes clear there is some sort of Graeme wannabee trashing up the lounge.

 

“That’s fake Graeme,” I respond, shooting the foppish imposter a dirty look so that he doesn’t come over and try to chat us up.

As we’re leaving, we ask one of our regular servers, whose name I don’t recall, where Graeme is this evening. He tells us that Graeme wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t make the cocktail hour. Oh boy, that didn’t sound good. I suddenly felt very concerned for him.

 

The next evening, Graeme is back in the lounge and we call him over to find out what is happening. Was he feeling better and who was this flimflam artist trying to replicate the Graeme experience so amateurishly? I also explained how, earlier in the day, concerned he wasn’t feeling well, we tried to send flowers to his cabin but was told by the ship’s florist that that was against policy to send arrangements to crew members.

 

He laughed at our concern about his welfare, brushing it all off… but at the same time remained uncharacteristically tight-lipped. We didn’t push the subject further, but simply let him know we were very unhappy with his absence from the lounge, didn’t like his new assistant, the Graeme wannabe. He smiled, thanked us, and began telling us what we could expect at our next stop, drawing us a map of Icy Strait Point (a straight line on a napkin) so we wouldn’t get lost, and warned us that we might find him running the trails there, as that’s how he likes to keep fit.

 

The next day, when we got back to our cabin, we found a nice plate of chocolates with a sweet note from Graeme thanking us for the laughs!

 

With Graeme, life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're going to get!

Our final evening before disembarkation, Graeme again was absent from the Cosmos Lounge. We were disappointed, as we very much wanted to thank him for the chocolates, for keeping Momma Bear out of the lounge (though I’m sure that was more the Captain’s doing) and for granting us access into his circle of trust, for better or worse.

 

Graeme did finally make an appearance in the lounge, just as the cocktail hour was coming to an end. We called him over to our table, asked how he was doing and whether he was prepared to finish out the rest of the season in Alaska, now that his “rude and entitled” Diamonds were leaving him.

 

He chuckled, turned to us and said, “Dear Winks, Mrs. Winks; as you know, I grew up in Zimbabwe.” This is a something Graeme tells everyone he meets, usually inside 30 seconds of saying hello. “What most people don’t know is I did time in the military there, went through several years of civil war. Decades actually. You end up seeing a lot of unpleasant things.”

 

He paused, looking out at the passing Alaskan scenery. “Passengers always say to me, ‘Graeme, you’re so candid, you tell it like it is, even when we don’t want to hear it, and yet you make us laugh all at the same time.’ But you see, it's all in good fun. None of this cruising stuff bothers me. Silly passengers don’t bother me. High and mighty officers don’t bother me. Even Fake Graeme doesn’t bother me. After the things I’ve seen, Winks, you learn not to let the inconsequential, small stuff ever bother you again, ever. It’s just not worth it. Am I prepared for the rest of the Alaska season? Of course I am. It’s one of the most beautiful destinations in the world and I am very lucky to be here, experiencing it all.”

 

And so Graeme continues with his life at sea. Right now, he’s the longest serving Captain’s Club Loyalty Host in the fleet, having maintained the position for over 12-years. He and his wife Amy co-ordinate contracts so they can take time off to manage their investment properties in South Africa. And like most of us, he looks forward to the day he can retire and travel.

 

For us, he’s been the most unique and gusty concierge/loyalty host we’ve ever encountered at sea and one who made our Alaska cruise even more memorable. If you’re ever lucky to be on board with him, please tell him the Winks’ say hello. Though by now, of course, he’s inevitably forgotten our names…

 

 

Up Next: Land Tour Follies

Edited October 1, 2018 by WinksCruises
Cause these things are never perfect, as you know!

[Silkroad]

Thanks for reposting the Graeme photos:) Graeme looks very much like the Graeme I had imagined. Looking forward to the next installment. I do hope you didn’t encounter Mama Bear and Conrad on your post cruise tour;p

[cangelmd]

Very funny, and very true.

 

 

Misty Fjords floatplane is the way to go - expensive, but a life long memory.