New fees getting to the cruise ship!

[ohioNCLcruiser]

FORT WORTH, TX—Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.

 

American Airlines has promised never to raise its fees for not printing a boarding pass.

 

The fees, the latest introduced by American Airlines in a continuing effort to combat its financial woes, will take effect on Monday. According to company officials, these charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays instead.

 

 

"Tough times unfortunately mean tough measures," American Airlines president Gerard Arpey said. "It's never an easy decision to ask our loyal customers, as well as thousands of people chosen at random out of a telephone book, to pay a little extra, but that's just the reality of today's economic climate. We hope all Americans will understand this when receiving one of our new bills in the mail."

Arpey said that non-passengers of American Airlines should expect to pay a small fee when making Greyhound bus reservations, choosing to drive to their final destination, or simply being a citizen of the United States with a valid Social Security number.

Arpey went on to note that some additional charges would also apply, including a $15 fee for every piece of luggage customers have inside their bedroom closet, and a one-time payment of $40 for any American whose name is Greg.

"We are confident that these new measures will not discourage customers from flying with American Airlines," vice president Margaret Wilkinson said. "However, we'd like to remind our customers that there is a 'discouraged-from-flying-with-American-Airlines' charge if they do in fact choose not to fly with us."

 

 

American Airlines, which posted a $1.45 billion loss in the second quarter of 2008 alone, claimed that the new fees—including the Taking A Shower Fee, the Knowing What An Airplane Looks Like Fee, and the Eating E.L. Fudge Cookies While Watching A Rerun Of House Fee—will help the company rebound. According to internal projections, the airline will recoup $500 million in the next three months alone, with nearly 80 percent of that revenue coming from citizens asleep at home.

"Watching television last night cost me $250," said Baltimore resident Michael Peterson, one of many Americans now forced to pay high airline costs for folding their laundry and going to the ophthalmologist. "It's ridiculous, but what can you do? I guess that's just the price of not flying these days."

"American Airlines charged me for cleaning out my attic," said 74-year-old Samantha Pratt, a New Jersey resident who has not left the state since 2005. "Sure, I didn't have to wait in any long lines, or go through invasive security searches, and I got to clean out my attic, which is something I've been wanting to do for weeks, but come on now."

 

 

In response to American's move, other airlines have begun offering more competitive rates. United this week unveiled a new $99 "spend the weekend quietly reading indoors" offer, while Southwest is introducing a $125 round-trip fare for those walking to their corner store for some groceries.

JetBlue, a commercial carrier known for its thrifty rates, has come out ahead of the pack, however, and is being lauded for its decision not to charge non-passengers not to fly.

 

Despite reduced offers such as these, many remain concerned over the new fees. Some have even expressed doubt about whether they'll be able to afford to see family members they currently live with during Christmas.

"It's just not worth it anymore," said Caroline Huza, an Ohio native and mother of two. "Plus, every time I stay at home, I always get trapped next to some kid who won't stop crying."

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...s_now_charging

[Zimomiller]

LOL...don't give them any ideas !

[Atomica]

LOL...don't give them any ideas !

 

Exactly! Particularly since the unwritten mission statement of most airlines nowadays seems to be 'We're not Happy Until You're Not Happy' ;)

[deepnite10]

still no fees at Southwest :D

 

and NO..i don t work for them..:p

[ketzelacruising]

You are one of my favorite posters! Don't you just adore the Onion!!?

 

 

Mike

[webecruzin2]

OMG!! I almost split my side reading that! :D I just retired from said airline and I have to send a copy of that off to my friends at the airport!

You don't know how funny that'll be to them. This sounded like something from the Onion right away. I haven't laughed like that for a long time, really, very very funny! Thanks so much for that!

Wish I could add more to this but I'm afraid they'll take away my pension.:p

[Catz n Dog]

"Plus, every time I stay at home, I always get trapped next to some kid who won't stop crying."

 

 

:D thanks- I need this this morning!

[ohioNCLcruiser]

You are one of my favorite posters! Don't you just adore the Onion!!?

 

 

Mike

 

lol if you like the Onion you should check out their World Atlas-Our Dumb World...its a great laugh!

[1freestylER]

Am I the only one scratching my head after reading OP's post ?! :eek:

 

the boards are def happenin this morning.... lol

[coilover88]

Good one James! We have the Onion on our homepage just because it lightens our day. There is a fine line between the obsurdity of reality and the Onion's tongue-in-cheek story lines.

Grant

[Greymeowsr]

James,

 

What a hoot. Thanks for the fun!

 

Thomas

[ohioNCLcruiser]

Good one James! We have the Onion on our homepage just because it lightens our day. There is a fine line between the obsurdity of reality and the Onion's tongue-in-cheek story lines.

Grant

 

 

hahah I loved today's front headline

 

"

Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine"

[CruisnGram]

Know what else I heard? In addition to all that James posted, the airlines are going to add an automatic gratuity! And no, you cannot have it taken off. :D

 

CG

[JohnIreland]

I think we all know what is come next.

 

Anti-pirate surcharge.

[Stillfloatin']

Gotta love the Onion! Thanks James.:D

[AFT_LOVER]

when we cruised Alaska from Vancouver. They charged for pillos & blankets, chips that were half a can of Pringles, pop, coffee, even water. So when I had to use the lav, my husband gave me a $1 bill in case it was a pay toilet. Lady next to us got a sandwich for $8 which was piece of white bread a slice of ham, wilted piece of lettuce, shaved tomato piece and a foil pouch of mayo. She was livid!

 

From CLE to DTW we blew an engine over Lake Erie & were coming down with no airport but we did make it to the edge. Then sat for 1.5 hours as the fire dept has to drive round & round doing nothing.

 

NEVER AGAIN! Now they are Delta which is worse with their weird food like white pizza that was cold.

[ohioNCLcruiser]

Well AFT_LOVER its good we live in Cleveland because the best US airline has a hub here:D

[meaclasact2]

when we cruised Alaska from Vancouver. They charged for pillos & blankets, chips that were half a can of Pringles, pop, coffee, even water. So when I had to use the lav, my husband gave me a $1 bill in case it was a pay toilet. Lady next to us got a sandwich for $8 which was piece of white bread a slice of ham, wilted piece of lettuce, shaved tomato piece and a foil pouch of mayo. She was livid!

 

From CLE to DTW we blew an engine over Lake Erie & were coming down with no airport but we did make it to the edge. Then sat for 1.5 hours as the fire dept has to drive round & round doing nothing.

 

NEVER AGAIN! Now they are Delta which is worse with their weird food like white pizza that was cold.

 

Slow down...read the posts once again:rolleyes:...it's all a joke:D! Reread the posts and I think you'll get a good chuckle.;):):rolleyes:

 

James this was hysterical...life has been so sad of late...the economy, world events, Lord knows we all need a good good laugh at least once, if not many more times, a day! Thanks for posting.