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I had a Celebrity nightmare

fortinweb

By fortinweb,
in Celebrity Cruises

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fortinweb

fortinweb

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Posted (edited)

I had a nightmare last night. Woke up in night sweats and completely disorientated. The most upsetting dream I have even had. Here is what I remember about it:

 

A group of Cruise Critic members are being subjected to unspeakable torture, forced to cope with incredible torment, unable to escape severe anguish and distress. They are being wantonly victimized and are reaching the upper limits of how much mental and physical pain and suffering a human being can endure.

 

According to the nightmare, this situation began six months ago when Celebrity launched a major initiative to revamp all of their management and operational systems, as well as their entire fleet of ships. The goal was to make every aspect of the company much more user friendly and to provide 100% satisfaction for all their customers. The goal was to provide the perfect cruise experience for every passenger every time, and after six months, they have achieved this goal with tremendous success.

 

First, the website was completely overhauled and has now won every award possible for being the easiest to use, the most informative, the most intuitive, and the most reliable website in the business, with some experts believing the best in the entire internet spectrum. A user now has to click only once anywhere on the Celebrity home page and they will be instantly directed to the exact information page they are looking for, whether cruise itineraries, past cruise history, details of each ship, their current reservations, excursion or spa reservations, anything they seek. One click and you are there. No more searching around.

 

Next a surge of new hires has made every area of Celebrity extremely well staffed with well trained, knowledgeable professionals. Extensive training has been given to every Celebrity employee, from the call center staff, to the ship officers, to the service staff, and all the way down to the most basic of support staff, such as the people processing the trash. Service levels have been dramatically improved, and are now considered to be the best of any industry anywhere, bar none. Anything the customer wants is supplied instantly, and with a smile and thank you every time.

 

Following that, every ship has been remodeled to better provide what the passengers want. Areas that have been modified on M class ships that have not been well received have been returned to their original design. Areas of the S-class fleet that have met with criticism, such as the lack of dance floors, not enough pool areas, and on the Reflection, the additional staterooms and the loss of part of the sky lounge for suites, has been eliminated. Music levels have been lowered. The ships have more live music in more venues, with more variety. No matter what kind of music a passenger wants, it will always be available somewhere on every ship. Bingo is available 24/7. The stage shows are the latest Tony winning broadways show. The lounge entertainers are all award winning performers from the best of the entertainment industry.

 

The chair hog situation around the pool areas has been completely eliminated by hiring dedicated ex military commandos whose only job is to manage the loungers, with a strict 30 minute non-use time limit enforced. Break the 30 minute rule and your belongings are confiscated and a $75 per item fee is required to get them back. Repeat offenders will be banned from pool areas for the duration of the cruise. The main focus is to ensure that all passengers have an excellent pool experience.

 

Smoking on balconies will be immediately dealt with through advanced technologies that instantly find a lit cigarette and douse it with a blast of cold water, putting it out in mere seconds. Due to the new zero tolerance policy, offenders are immediately identified and forcefully removed at the next port, no exceptions.

 

Specialty restaurants will now be priced based on what the customer wants to pay. It is entirely on the honor system. Give a buck, a few bucks, or nothing at all – it is up to the customer to decide. The MDR has been redesigned to exactly reflect whatever the customer believes was the “good old days” of ocean liner dining. The dining experience is infinitely customizable to match every possible expectation of what dining in style is supposed to be in the eyes of the customer. Whatever way the diner wants it to seem like, Celebrity will make it happen, from white gloved waiters, to at the table food preparation, to exquisite service, and to-die-for food selections. Formal or not formal, it will be your choice. You will dine in an area of the MDR that matches your dress style exactly, every time. No more being next to someone who isn’t dressed appropriately.

 

The Captain’s Club rewards program has been reevaluated to bring it more in line with customer preferences. Everyone thinking about taking a cruise, even the shortest three day cruises, will be given Elite status. For any cruise taken, an unlimited number of status levels have been established. Points are issued on the basis of how much a person feels they deserve. No longer will anyone have to cruise multiple times to gain the highest tiers if they don’t want to.

 

In the last six months Celebrity has transformed themselves into a customer centric organization. The customer is king – or queen – in every aspect of doing business with Celebrity. The customer’s satisfaction is the only thing that matters, and no limitations will be placed on attaining that goal.

 

Unfortunately, this has created a nightmarish situation in the Cruise Critic community. The new focus on satisfying 100% of the customers 100% of the time has created extremely difficult situations for one group of very vocal members. By eliminating any reason to complain, this tenacious segment of Cruise Critic posters are being disenfranchised, ignored, and pushed aside with little to no regard for their own needs and requirements. They can be seen drifting aimlessly around the various threads trying to figure out what just happened to them. That they can no longer find anything to complain about has completely ruined the real reason they post here – to have something to complain about. They are lost, unable to cope with the new Celebrity, and tragically many are having severe mental breakdowns requiring professional treatment.

 

Because of the new Celebrity focus about caring about their customers, Celebrity has begun a rehabilitation program just for these members. However, mental health professionals say this effort is too little too late. The damage has been done. These people’s lives have been drastically altered, and there is little hope for their recovery.

 

For them, the nightmare has just begun and there is no hope for relief. Many are giving up all hope of Celebrity ever returning back to how it was – a cruise line they could endlessly complain about. It is a tragedy of unimaginable proportions.

 

 

 

And then I woke up screaming!

Edited by fortinweb
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JLSPOOL

JLSPOOL

Posted
Posted

Thanks for the laughs. Your "nightmare" is saved in the cruise folder.

 

If you find yourself in another "nightmare", please address the smoke-free casino. Passengers spend vacation money gambling on a cruise that is all or nothing.

 

Is it best to bet on third place rather than a winner for odds of getting something back?

 

jls

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4cats4me "Live from...." Rare

4cats4me

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Posted

This is my favorite part:D

 

"The chair hog situation around the pool areas has been completely eliminated by hiring dedicated ex military commandos whose only job is to manage the loungers, with a strict 30 minute non-use time limit enforced. Break the 30 minute rule and your belongings are confiscated and a $75 per item fee is required to get them back. Repeat offenders will be banned from pool areas for the duration of the cruise. The main focus is to ensure that all passengers have an excellent pool experience. "

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PTMary

PTMary

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I loved the part about anyone who thinks about taking a cruise is automatically given Elite status, and after just one cruise, they are given whatever level they think they "deserve". Pretty much sums up the way some people reacted when the new points system was rolled out. :rolleyes:

Edited by PTMary
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fortinweb

fortinweb

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Obviously details not factual as it's from a first time poster....��

 

Check again. I joined in Feb 2009 and that was my 326th post. I am hardly a "first time poster". :confused:

Edited by fortinweb
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