Unusual dilemma Requiring Tact - difficult/cheap relative

[SanFranBayCruiser]

As the subject has stated, we are encountering an unusual dilemma requiring tact. We are planning on the entire family cruising during the holidays, and, our group is large enough that we get the "free" cabin for booking a group. (Check with your TA, free cabins vary from cruise line to cruise line in group situations).

 

Anyhow, the problem falls with a relative (well, ok, she's an in-law), and, there is no polite way to say it - simply put she is very cheap and very difficult. I would like to stress that she is from another culture and, has only been in America for about 8 years now. She does have her citizenship. Anyhow, in her native country (which is very poor), vacations just aren't part of the culture. She sees vacations as a waste of money...and, yes, I realize many Americans feel that way too but, I'm just trying to give you background and mind-set to help us over come the problem.

 

The problem is that the woman I described above is married to a "core" member of the family. The relative she married is a very hard worker and he has always LOVED to travel but, when she came along that all changed. I asked this relative about cruising with us during the holidays in 2006 and he was very much for it but, talking his wife into is the hard part.

 

The rest of us agreed to "give" the free cabin to these relatives, just so we can have the whole family together for the holidays. Keep in mind that the difficult in-law only works on temporary assignments, and, is more a full time Mother. And, even with a free cabin and us paying for their air fare, this is going to take a very hard sell.

 

Has anyone else had to deal with a cheap and/or difficult relative regarding taking them on a vacation? Again, we're looking for a tactful solution to the problem. We will cruise with or without them but, much rather have it with them.

 

Any suggestions? Ideas? Things to stress why vacation is worthwhile?

 

Thanks - and wish us luck!

[kitty9]

I have a difficult time understanding why a culture or way of life causes one not to want to vacation. I have very poor relatives who live in a tiny village in Northern Hungary---the kind of place where there are dirt roads, the bathtub is outside, as is the loo, and the cows know which barn they belong in at the end of the day. Their yearly income is under $2K, which is not much no matter what. When we brought them over to the US for a month, they loved everything---trips to the Grand Canyon, Disney and a lot of other things. Their culture and lack of money had nothing to do with anything.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I just get the feeling that something else is going on here. Are there unspoken fears that she's not telling anyone? Has anyone really sat down and talked to her about travel? Is she fearful that if the money is spent that it will somehow cause financial problems for her family?

[tadjr]

Can you make it your "family" gift to their family? Then she might be more tempted not to turn it down feeling like she might hurt someones feelings if she turns down a "gift"?

 

PS- If she still turns it down, I would be more than willing to become part of the family for the week. ;)

[superjerryw]

You better think about this long and hard. If she thinks that vacations are a waste of money, will she put a damper on everyone elses trip while on board the ship. Do you think she will constantly complain about the prices of shore excursions, or the prices of photos, or the prices of things in general even if she has no interest in buying them simply because she thinks it's a waste. It's very noble to give them a cabin for free so your "core" family member can be there, but if this person is going to ruin everyone elses trip it may not be worth it. If someone goes on a trip intending to have a bad time they will have a bad time. There is no point in everyone else having a bad time as well.

[mrleo33]

Present your generous offer to the difficult/cheap relative. In my opinion you and the other family members have gone way above and beyond the call of duty. If she does not appreciate your generosity or desire to share a vacation with your entire family as a group, I would drop it and respect her feelings. She may have a medical/psychological issue (such as agorophobia or anxiety disorder and avoids the unfamiliar to avoid a panic attack) or perhaps she just doesn't want to go for her own personal reasons. If she does turn it down can you not just use it to reduce the collective costs of the cruise for those of you who are paying for it?

It sounds as though you have a lovely, giving family and you deserve to go and have a great time, with or without the difficult relative. If she doesn't go, I certainly would not allow myself to suffer one moment of guilt, the ball is completely in her court.

[Hflors]

I feel your pain. I'm in a simular "boat" going on a cruise with sisters and one is a real pain. For the last nine months all I hear are negative/underhanded comments. After this cruise I will never get myself in this situation again!

 

This sister didn't want to commit when we originally decided to do this cruise. She wanted me to "keep looking" for a better price! She told me she was hoping for something around $599.00, oh yea could that include air? Well the other three sisters decided to book a wonderful Grand suite. It was awsome! WEll as soon as the difficult sister heard that we went ahead and booked a suite she had a fit. Said that we didn't want her to go, She was terrribly hurt and couldn't believe we would do that to her. We told her we wanted her to go. She muttered, but decided to go out of the goodness of her heart. Well when she heard the suite only had one bathroom she flat out said she didn't want to share a bathroom with 3 sisters. And before you ask, no she isn't paying the first or second rate, but a third person rate.

 

Well my other sister who has more money than I will ever have told me to get us a suite that had two bathrooms and just let her know what the extra charge would be. The only suite with two bathrooms is a Royal Family Suite. So that is what we got. (I think the extra cost was between 3 & 4 thousand) Well we have the RFS and difficult sister still isn't happy. She doesn't want to go on a ship with three thousand people. She didn't want to fill out her pre-boarding paperwork. She can't understand why the cruiseline won't pick her luggage up at the airport. It goes on and on. Well guess what the final payment date has come and gone. I don't care if she comes or not. Her money is paid.

 

During a recent family get together she even told her husband about the cabin that I BOOKED! As if it was all my fault. Of course I like a dumb, dimb didn't say that it was because of his wife that we had to have two bathrooms!

 

If I were you I would invite them once. Than remind them before the final payment is due. If they choose not to go try your best not to worry about it. It's hard but try.

 

The worse part of this story is that three sisters get along well, are willing do go anything go anywhere, but the other sister, I just don;t know. And now when we all are together the subject of this cruise isn't brought up. It's as if the fun has been sucked out of the cruise. All I can wait for is it to be over with! I'n not looking forward to it at all! DH keeps telling me that I will have a good time when we get going, but I just know we will spend the week listening to our one sister whine.

 

OH I forgot it's suppose to be all five sisters. The last sister (who we had to pay for because we had to have five people for the RFS) won't give us an answer as to weather she will go or not. She's afraid she will get seasick. Oh well that's life. To tell you the truth I wish difficult sister would team up with no answer sister and both stay home. That way the last three sisters would have a blast!!!!!

 

What ever happens I hope you have a wonderful cruise. Sometimes no matter what you do you can't please everyone.

[nparmelee]

I also feel your pain, not so much with a cheap relative, I just avoid them, but with a cheap friend. We travelled once with him and and another friend who is more like us and it was torture!!! Every meal was an "opportunity" to prepare ourselves for the nitpicking over who owed what. As others have said, if she truly thinks that vacations are a waste of money, if she's the vocal type, she could be a downer for everyone else.

 

Good luck!!!!!

[nu2sea]

SanFranBayCruiser, I sympathize with your plight.

 

Have you considered emphasizing the "family" nature of this trip? Explain that in American culture, with all of the available choices and the many other activities that people participate in, it is extremely important that the family meet somewhere to increase the familial bonds. It is an opportunity for children to get to know their aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I would emphasize how important this trip could be for her children, if you are including children. If not, it is important for her husband to spend time with his family. Time undisturbed by the necessity of driving, cooking, cleaning, etc.

 

It's a thought anyway. Not sure how important family is in her culture, but I do believe that in the States we tend to pay less attention to it than they do elsewhere.

 

It is possible that she may have a negative effect on the enjoyment of the rest of you, but that is a risk you have to take if you want a complete family get together.

 

I would look for things that she would appreciate, whether it is family or some other value. And emphasize those features.

 

I've noticed too, that people like to do favors for others. You might try presenting it as a favor to you and the rest of the family for her to join you... Of course, you would have to do that with a straight face and a sincere voice...

 

I hope you find a way, because cruising is such a great way for families to spend time together without being on top of each other.

 

Susan

[cloveygrl]

I think perhaps her husband should get some backbone and let her know *he* really wants to go and that if she wants to sit home and pout she can.

[ocngypz]

Leave her home. If she doesn't want to join the family because it is a family event, she can stay home.

 

And even using the tc's for the comp berth, what you earn is a net amount (less what would be agency commission in the real world)...and of course pc and tax are not included.

 

Most often than not, the tc's are rebated after the sailing, so you would have to upfront their entire cruise.

 

I run into the family issues frequently. It isn't pretty.

[dileep]

Leave her home. If she doesn't want to join the family because it is a family event, she can stay home.

 

Well said!!!!!

 

Why force someone who does not want to go? Are you sure that cruising with this person will be a pleasant experience?

[Cruise Arizona]

We are starting to look at planning a family reunion cruise for summer 2007. My one SIL, her DH and 3 kids will most likely not be joining us.

 

It is hard to know weather she is just being overly frugal, or if the cost of a cruise for a family of 5 is just a little much for them. Last time I mentioned cruise to her I got the response "don't think we'll be able to go, I just paid $2000 for braces today, and expect to do that atleast two more times in the next 4 years."

 

I hope everything works out for you. I think emphasizing the family aspect as one poster mentioned might be a start. Also, do as much research as you can regaurding on board expenses, tipping, drink costs, excursion costs, ect. That way they are not suprised by these costs after they have committed to coming. You might even want to help them come up with thier estimated expenses using a tip calculator, if they drink estimate what they would pay for drinks, if they are soda drinkers let them know the cost of the soda card. Have as much information as you can available to them when you give them the free room.

 

DH and I once had two free nights at the Westin La Paloma hotel in Tucson when I sang at a wedding there. We ended up spending over $500 for our "Free" weekend. So make sure that they know that the basic fare is covered, but not the whole vacation.

[usha]

I know how you feel. After DH and I took our first cruise, we decided to go again the following February, and take our daughters, who were 17 and 20 at the time. Shortly after we had booked the 4 of us, DH's sister and her husband booked it,too (their first). DH and his sister talked their dad into joining us, but when it came time for final payment, he flatly refused, saying that was WAYYYY too much money for a vacation. Well, we all went on that cruise (minus Dad) and had a wonderful, wonderful time. I wish so much that DH's dad had been a part of it, and we'll never get another chance to cruise with him, because he passed away a few days after Thanksgiving. How I wish now that we had just hog tied him and dragged him with us on that cruise!

[Earle]

Oh, man ... if either of your sisters don't want to go ...I will be around ... just post and I will answer. When do you sail ... *G*

Really sorry about your trouble, but it will all work out, just be sure and explain about tipping and other little extras, or you will never hear the end of it.

so, you may be in a family suite, but remember, the ship is big, and the ports of call are even bigger! You will find a way to capture positive moments from this trip ... Bon Voyage!

Earle

[tom_uk]

Is she fearful that if the money is spent that it will somehow cause financial problems for her family?

 

It could be that, coming from a poor background, she's focused on what the cruise money would pay for if it was spent on other things.

 

And there is a logical argument in favour of her position (though I'm not necessarily agreeing with it): "why spend money on a holiday when there are credit cards to pay off, a mortgage to pay, and college to save for? - pay for these things first, save up, and have the vacation when everything else is paid for".

[dkjretired]

I agree with the poster who said that it might put a damper on the vacation if she went. In a difficult position because as you say the husband is a core member of the family and he is the one being hurt.

 

We had a situation on our last cruise when my Mother in law and her sister went with us which was not a problem. A friend of theirs wanted to go and was to share the room with the other two. Problem arose when she would only pay the third person fare instead of splitting the total cost by three. She is very cheap and didn't go.

[zebra36]

SFBC,

 

You have made an offer, if the SIL does not seem inclined to go I would just accept her initial response and not press the issue. As others have noted if she does go reluctently it could put a damper on the experience for the rest of you. Good luck with your plans.

[caviargal]

I concur with those that say that she her behavior before the cruise would likely be a predictor of behavior aboard. Will she complain about every expense? Will your generous family have to pick up drink tabs and excursions?

 

I could not imagine being married to someone who did not share my love of travel. It sounds like your brother does an awful lot of compromising.

[PAISANO]

My advice........ Leave it alone. You have made the offer to them so you have done your part.

 

There are alot of expenses that go with crusing, Shore excursions,drinks,

tips, and the formal wear, etc. etc.

 

Which reminds me of a saying......... (If mamma aint happy....no-ones happy) The point being if she went on this vacation reluctently it would be your family member you speak of who will have to suffer if she is not happy.:eek:

 

You have made a generous offer, the decision is now on them.

Give them a time limit to accept, then continue with your plans with

the rest of the family. After all planning is part of the fun. Have a great vacation!!!!!!!!!

[jckvpa0]

I feel your pain. I'm in a simular "boat" going on a cruise with sisters and one is a real pain. For the last nine months all I hear are negative/underhanded comments. After this cruise I will never get myself in this situation again!

 

This sister didn't want to commit when we originally decided to do this cruise. She wanted me to "keep looking" for a better price! She told me she was hoping for something around $599.00, oh yea could that include air? Well the other three sisters decided to book a wonderful Grand suite. It was awsome! WEll as soon as the difficult sister heard that we went ahead and booked a suite she had a fit. Said that we didn't want her to go, She was terrribly hurt and couldn't believe we would do that to her. We told her we wanted her to go. She muttered, but decided to go out of the goodness of her heart. Well when she heard the suite only had one bathroom she flat out said she didn't want to share a bathroom with 3 sisters. And before you ask, no she isn't paying the first or second rate, but a third person rate.

 

Well my other sister who has more money than I will ever have told me to get us a suite that had two bathrooms and just let her know what the extra charge would be. The only suite with two bathrooms is a Royal Family Suite. So that is what we got. (I think the extra cost was between 3 & 4 thousand) Well we have the RFS and difficult sister still isn't happy. She doesn't want to go on a ship with three thousand people. She didn't want to fill out her pre-boarding paperwork. She can't understand why the cruiseline won't pick her luggage up at the airport. It goes on and on. Well guess what the final payment date has come and gone. I don't care if she comes or not. Her money is paid.

 

During a recent family get together she even told her husband about the cabin that I BOOKED! As if it was all my fault. Of course I like a dumb, dimb didn't say that it was because of his wife that we had to have two bathrooms!

 

If I were you I would invite them once. Than remind them before the final payment is due. If they choose not to go try your best not to worry about it. It's hard but try.

 

The worse part of this story is that three sisters get along well, are willing do go anything go anywhere, but the other sister, I just don;t know. And now when we all are together the subject of this cruise isn't brought up. It's as if the fun has been sucked out of the cruise. All I can wait for is it to be over with! I'n not looking forward to it at all! DH keeps telling me that I will have a good time when we get going, but I just know we will spend the week listening to our one sister whine.

 

OH I forgot it's suppose to be all five sisters. The last sister (who we had to pay for because we had to have five people for the RFS) won't give us an answer as to weather she will go or not. She's afraid she will get seasick. Oh well that's life. To tell you the truth I wish difficult sister would team up with no answer sister and both stay home. That way the last three sisters would have a blast!!!!!

 

What ever happens I hope you have a wonderful cruise. Sometimes no matter what you do you can't please everyone.

 

 

Oh my, I have two sister & thank god we all get along!!!

 

To the OP, do they not have the money or is it that she thinks it's to frivolous to spend that much money on a vacation?

[halos]

I just want to say that you are amazingly wonderful people to want your family together so badly that you'd GIVE a cabin to someone who makes you uncomfortable....Bless you!

 

You've done your best to make this a family occasion. My advice now would be for you to get as far away from this woman as possible if she starts to act up. The ships are big enough for you to do this...maybe you'll only have to be stuck with her at dinner times.

 

Good luck!!

[SanFranBayCruiser]

Thank you so much for all your responses. I should elaborate and tell you that we did take this woman on a cruise about three years ago (again we picked up the tab) and she had a very good time. I truly believe she is "afraid" of spending the money because as one poster pointed out, the money could go towards other expenses. What I find annoying and, frankly, offensive is the fact that we are willing to pay for everything - even their own board expenses and shore excursions and she still balks.

 

And, it isn't that she's afraid of flying. She does it successfully when she sees members of HER family. And, we proved to her on the first cruise that she wouldn't get seasick (she is prone and we got her sea-bands and she did just fine - no problems at all).

 

One last point I should make is that in her culture, when someone is given a gift of great value (such as a cruise) that the person who is receiving the gift will be hit for a big favor (such as a loan). We have asked her husband to explain that the American culture doesn't work like that and, that none of us are seeking any favors; and, we are making the offer simply because we want the family together for the holidays as the parents are getting older...to the point where each holiday could be their last.

 

I know I am thrilled when someone picks up the check for lunch or dinner. If someone offered me a cruise and all expenses paid, I'd think I'd be doing cartwheels all the way to the dock!! :D

 

I just find the whole situation mind boggling, and, I guess I needed to vent.

 

Thanks again everyone. If you have any other suggestions, they'd be appreciated.

[Happy ks]

I haven't read all the responses (gotta go to work). My gut response would be, let them make up their own minds. I know you would love to have the relatives along, but life doesn't always work out that way. I feel as though this woman would make the trip miserable for everyone and you would be better off without her.

 

You have no control over other peoples feelings and you certainly cannot change hers. Leave it alone, you have made your offer, there's nothing more you can do.

 

We've had several family trips (only one cruise so far) and there is always some "thing" that happens and everyone gets involved. We now plan our own trips, tell everyone about it and if they care to join us, that's fine. If not, so be it. Life cannot be forced.

[Happy ks]

It almost sounds as if she is playing a big mind game with your family and you're all buying into it.

 

OK, now I'm really going to work.

[claud925]

You've already "picked up the tab" for one cruise . . . why would you be willing to do it again? And perhaps again and again and again . . .

 

Sounds like this could become a tradition she would very easily become accustomed to. A person could get used to having others pay for the privilege of their company. And where would it end? After all, there will almost certainly be other social family functions in the future, i.e., special occasion family dinners in fancy restaurants, weekend gatherings, recreation park excursions, etc. You get the picture.

 

I totally agree with Happy ks: plan your own trip, tell "them" about it and if they care to join you, that's fine. If not, so be it. And don't leave your "core" family member who's married to her out of it - as a matter of fact, he should be the only one involved in securing her participation and willingness to pay.