Advice on how to deal with a travel partner w/limitations

[ellasabe]

Seeking advice and suggestions.

 

We used to be avid cruisers/travelers and then Covid hit. During the past few years my husband's health has deteriorated, but because he has been in a safe 'bubble' of our 1-story home and flat neighborhood for the past 4 years, his shortcomings and limitations weren't very obvious. Now we are resuming travel. We just completed a TATL cruise and spent 2 weeks on land in Europe. What a learning curve!

 

My husband is 77 and walks slowly, stiffly. His reflexes are slow. He has balance issues and despite excellent vision he doesn't seem to notice trip hazards, broken pavement, steel pipes sticking out of the ground, etc. Also, we discovered he has a terrible time with stairs, which made our stay in Europe extremely challenging. What my husband prefers is that we link arms and I act as his "eyes and ears", continually narrating as we go. "Watch out for the curb, step up a few inches, now go around that crack, we'll be preparing to cross soon when this last car goes by..." He refuses to use a cane or rollator/walker. I'm 63 and still nimble

 

It's very, very tiring for me. My mouth gets dry from constantly narrating. I am always on alert; on multiple occasions it became evident that my husband wasn't going to make it into the elevator on time, so I would have to yank/push him forcefully so he wouldn't get banged by the doors. Escalators proved a challenge and I ended up always scouting for elevators, anywhere, everywhere. He had a couple of minor injuries (cuts) due to being too slow with closing doors. 

 

In summary, I returned to the US exhausted. As I'm sitting here trying to plan our next cruise I am realizing how limited we are. No river cruises, which is what we were focusing on. No cruises with extensive walking, no stairs, few cobblestones, little traffic. Big coaches (buses) with steep stairs are out of the question. 

 

For those of you who have traveled with a partner in this situation - or you, yourselves are like this - what workarounds did you utilize? Did you find certain places or methods that worked better than others? 

 

 

[FOPMan]

One adapts. A much greater amount of planning is often required.

[kokopelli-az]

I'm in a very similar situation as yours.  Cruises have been a God send.   We almost always take cruises that leave from Florida (Fort Lauderdale in particular).   However, other ports in the United States would no doubt be much the same as Fort Lauderdale but that's where we like to cruise from.   We take 4-5 cruises a year and have been to practically every Caribbean island.  We were lucky that we began cruising in 1990 when my husband was mobile because we went everywhere on the islands.  Now, mostly, we stay on the ship at port stops.   We don't miss getting off the ship; however, we usually get off at least on one or two of the stops that we know are easy and have things to see or do close to the ship.  We aren't the only ones staying on the ship at port stops; there are quite a few people on board while everyone else has gone ashore.  

 

My husband uses a walker around the house.   He cannot walk or stand very long.  He also has a transport chair he uses for anywhere he has to walk very far (like a doctor's appointment).  We take the transport chair to the airport and the "pushers" at the airport will push him from the ticket counter all the way to the door of the plane.   We then gate check (leave it outside the door to the plane) his transport chair and it is brought back to us at either our connecting flight or final destination.  Since he has a transport chair, I'm the one who does the pushing most of the rest of the time.  On the ship, now, this is a different story.   He rents a mobility scooter that is waiting in our stateroom for him.   He is like a free bird as soon as he gets on the scooter.   I think that's his main reason for cruising!   He has so much freedom and it frees me up to not have to push him around the ship.   Ships are huge and if you get off at a port, there are often docks that are very, very long.   

 

If you want to take a shore excursion, look for ones that are for wheelchair users.  There usually aren't that many of these excursions offered but it's worth a look.   And there are private excursions, also, that can offer a vehicle he can get into (no steps).  Even taxis offer tours.  The other part of this is that you have to get from the ship to where the vehicle is for the tour.   

 

At the bare minimum maybe your husband could try out a rollator (for starters).  And consider a wheelchair/transport chair for longer journeys.  Or a scooter (they can be rented for the cruise).  

 

River cruises are not recommended for people with mobility issues.   

 

Oh, you can tell your cruise line that he will be needing wheelchair assistance (it is for embarkation and debarkation only).  The ship will have wheelchair pushers (their employees) specifically for this purpose.  You use the ship's wheelchairs (unless you have your own but you can still have one of the pushers push your personal wheelchair).   The pusher will take you from where you enter the terminal (tell the first employee you see that you need a wheelchair - they will tell you where to go) all the way to any public area inside the ship (or your room, if it is available).   Once the pusher gets you to where you want to go inside the ship, they will leave with the wheelchair.  

 

You might look for cruises that do not have tender ports (where you board a boat to take you from the ship to the dock).  If there are tender ports, you can make a decision to stay on board at these stops.  

 

Also you might consider an accessible stateroom.   They have lots of grab bars in the bathroom and a walk-in shower (with a shower chair).   These staterooms go fast.  

 

Report back on which cruise line or ship you are considering.   Many folks on this board are in the same situation and will have plenty of feedback about your itinerary and port stops.  Each cruise line has a section on their website addressing accessibility and mobility issues.  

 

You will learn what works for your situation but for the most part, cruise ships are perfect for those with mobility issues.   

[katisdale]

I had polio as a child and completely recovered - or so I thought. As I aged I became increasingly less mobile. I love to travel and did so for many years using one cane and my husband's arm for balance. I truly did not realize how difficult this made my husband's travel. My daughter had a "come to Jesus" meeting with me pointing out that I was not paying attention to how my trouble affected him. I was creating difficulty for him by pulling him off balance although he never fell thank goodness. I suggest your husband meet with a physical therapist and have his gait assessed. That was quite a revelation to me and cut down on my hesitance in using aids. I have progressed from cane to walker to rollator to scooter and now use a wheelchair. I still LOVE to travel and my husband and I are both safer. 

[Bob++]

I think you will have to get him some wheels. From your description, I suspect that he is't in control enough to manage by himself, so you should look for a lightweight folding powered chair that can be controlled from behind.

 

I say powered because pushing a manual chair is not easy (I know from experience). River cruising may be okay for you because many boats have lifts, although not to the top deck. The big advantage is that there are no big cruise ports with shuttle buses to negotiate.

 

 

 

 

[Dunchues]

I feel for you, my dad had a similar attitude to your husband. He didn't realize how his selfish behavior made my mums life so difficult and as his mobility declined so sadly increasing dementia prevented him from acting as he normally would have if it could have been explained to him.  In my opinion your husband just has to change his attitude to accommodate you a bit, and I'd say a rollator is the best way. Scooters are great, but you can't really assist up kerbs etc and they're not as easy to fold and move around. They travel easily on planes and ships and don't take a lot of getting used to, maybe your doctor or someone similar could convince him to try one out? I wish we'd tried that route, although late in life it was almost a blessing my dad couldn't get around as he'd definitely have wandered off somewhere dangerous. 

[HopefulCruiser123]

I am married to a paraplegic who uses a manual wheelchair.  I remember early in our dating life, we'd experienced a particularly challenging night at a hotel that was billed as accessible, but really wasn't.   We both got a good taste at what life would look like if we ended up staying together.  He told me the next morning that "yes, I am limited, and if you stick with me you'll find that you are limited too".   I never looked back. 

 

There probably isn't a person that has seen some of our difficulties that has not suggested that he might want to get an powerchair.  The mere suggestion is a conversation killer with him.  I get it.  It's human nature that once you give up to convenience some ability that you have, you typically don't go back and reclaim that ability.  We have a very ambitious cruise/land/cruise trip planned for Europe next year.  There are a few adaptive devices, like the Free Wheel for his chair, that he has compromised and acquired for this trip.  I tend to look a lot like a pack mule when we travel and I try to work out to stay fit so that I can handle the burden.  

 

I concur with Ko-Kopelli-AZ who suggested renting a scooter while onboard.  He can use it as he wants or leave it behind if he doesn't.  Either way, I hope you both are able to continue traveling and enjoying all the world has to offer.  

[Sail and Relax]

If you have the strength to push, a wheelchair would work great for your husband.  We have been cruising since 2000 but in 2022 I started using a wheelchair.  With the wheelchair we have cruised to Australia/Sydney and Asia, all 60 days or more cruises.  It also depends on what cruise line you travel; some are more accommodating than others.  HAL has been our choice for individuals with mobility issues.  We don't take excursion from the ship.  We take private tours for just the 2 of us, usually on Tours by Locals or Viator.  We have found that we see more and don't have to worry about climbing in/out of buses and competing with other individuals on a rush to see sites. 

[cinderellen]

Ellesabe, thank you for sharing how you feel. It’s really brave of you to put yourself out there. My husband and I love cruising, our first was in 2005 for our 25th anniversary. Our next cruise, July 5, will be number 20 I think. He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few years ago so it can be a little difficult on the partner. I do hope you can convince him to get a device that allows both of you to better enjoy your vacations. I’ve been able to come to terms with the fact that I can’t do everything. I arrange for as much assistance as I can. Transport at the airport, priority boarding, scooter on the ship, etc. I have found the staff on the ship goes out of their way to be helpful. Hope you are able to work things through. Ellen