Am I Being A Selfish Mother?

[Sandytoes]

My DD just got engaged. I suggested to her to have her wedding onboard a cruise ship for several reasons.

She did seem interested until her future sister-in-law said she and her children would not be caught dead on a cruise since they do not like being on the water....(she will be the maid-of-honor)....

So my DD said a cruise is out of the question....Unless it doesn't sail (stays at pier).

 

I know it sounds selfish, but I had my heart set on seeing my loving daughter get married on a ship, while at sea....

Financially we couldn't do both.

My plan was to have everyone sail.

Ceremony day on sail day, with drinks before, ceremony, cocktail hr, speciality dinner, dancing, complete package - photos, videos, flowers, drinks, DJ, etc. Pay for her honeymoon in Bermuda - wherever they like....(getting off at one of the ports).

Guests would just have to pay for their cruise....

 

If she had her ceremony at pier, would guests still sail if they wanted to?

Does that seem like a honeymoon if guests remain onboard?

[dml1216]

My DD just got engaged. I suggested to her to have her wedding onboard a cruise ship for several reasons.

She did seem interested until her future sister-in-law said she and her children would not be caught dead on a cruise since they do not like being on the water....(she will be the maid-of-honor)....

So my DD said a cruise is out of the question....Unless it doesn't sail (stays at pier).

 

I know it sounds selfish, but I had my heart set on seeing my loving daughter get married on a ship, while at sea....

Financially we couldn't do both.

My plan was to have everyone sail.

Ceremony day on sail day, with drinks before, ceremony, cocktail hr, speciality dinner, dancing, complete package - photos, videos, flowers, drinks, DJ, etc. Pay for her honeymoon in Bermuda - wherever they like....(getting off at one of the ports).

Guests would just have to pay for their cruise....

 

If she had her ceremony at pier, would guests still sail if they wanted to?

Does that seem like a honeymoon if guests remain onboard?

 

Well, first of all, I am a Mother too and can relate. We all want what we think is best or could be really nice. Unfortunately, kids have different thoughts and it sounds like your DD is really concerned for her new SIL's feelings. You have to think that you did a great job of raising her, as she is concerned about making others happy and comfortable and not just doing what she wants and even on HER wedding day. How nice!

 

With that said, I don't know where you live in proximity to a port. She CAN have a wedding on a ship, in port, before it ever leaves for the cruise. If the SIL could deal with getting on the ship and having the wedding and reception on the ship before it ever leaves for a cruise, that might be an alternative. Then, those that feel comfortable continuing on the cruise, could stay on the ship.

 

As for your question about everyone going on the honeymoon, that would have to be a decision for your DD. Everyone is different. I am getting married next weekend on the Sensation and we have 21 people going with us. But, this is a 2nd wedding for us both. Had it been my first wedding, looking back, I might not have wanted it, but hard to say.

 

Best of luck to you! Regardless, you could just marry her off and then go on a nice relaxing cruise of your own. hehe!

[CruisinGrams]

"I had my heart set on seeing my loving daughter get married on a ship, while at sea...." Very few cruiselines actually offer the opportunity to get married at sea while the ship is underway. A great number of weddings take place before the ship sails, as the previous poster mentioned, or in a port of call, either on the ship or at a location at the port of call.

 

Yes we all have our dreams for our daughters but... this is her wedding not yours. This may not be 'her dream' and if she is being sensitive to the needs of the people she has chosen to stand beside her on her wedding, they you should respect that.

 

Perhaps if you put your heads together you could find a lovely compromise. Many lakes that attract tourists have boat excursions offering dinner cruises and wedding options. This may not be as intimidating as the Ocean and there would be no expensive cruise fares for the guests either. Or perhaps a lovely gazebo overlooking the ocean, then give them the cruise as a wedding gift.

 

My son is getting married in May and none of our relatives will even attend because it is a cruise. And you also have to consider the costs involved for the guests. I am personally paying for 4 staterooms one being a wedding gift and the other to ensure that my children can be together for this wedding. Not everyone can afford nor is in love with cruising.

 

So try to think beyond the "Love Boat" wedding at the front of the ship and talk to your daughter about what she wants and how you might be able to help her with "her" dream wedding.

 

I wish you good luck in helping your daughter make her wedding plans.

[Steamboatin]

To put this as politely as possible.

 

Thank god you are not my Mother In Law.

 

With you starting before the marriage I can only imagine how bad you will get after the marriage.

 

Your daughter's marriage is doomed if you keep that attitude.

[florida cruiser girl]

I'm a mom too! (and a bride in 3 weeks! not for the 1st time though).

Being a mom of grown children, I surely understand how we all want the best for our children & to guide them so that they can have all they have dreamed of. Just have to be careful that it's their dream & not ours. As much as we sometimes want to say something, help, etc. many times (unless asked) we need to step back & let them make their own decisions, mistakes, etc.

I do think it will be very easy for you all to make a compromise here. Let your daughter have whatever type wedding she wants, and as the previous poster says, it says something about the way she was raised that she is concerned about others feelings. Perhaps, you can do the wedding on land prior & send them off on a private honeymoon cruise? I would suggest you find out what they really want and I'm sure whatever they come up with you will love it & it will turn out beautifully! Happy planning!!

[mistresskate]

My DD just got engaged. I suggested to her to have her wedding onboard a cruise ship for several reasons.

She did seem interested until her future sister-in-law said she and her children would not be caught dead on a cruise since they do not like being on the water....(she will be the maid-of-honor)....

So my DD said a cruise is out of the question....Unless it doesn't sail (stays at pier).

 

I know it sounds selfish, but I had my heart set on seeing my loving daughter get married on a ship, while at sea....

Financially we couldn't do both.

My plan was to have everyone sail.

Ceremony day on sail day, with drinks before, ceremony, cocktail hr, speciality dinner, dancing, complete package - photos, videos, flowers, drinks, DJ, etc. Pay for her honeymoon in Bermuda - wherever they like....(getting off at one of the ports).

Guests would just have to pay for their cruise....

 

If she had her ceremony at pier, would guests still sail if they wanted to?

Does that seem like a honeymoon if guests remain onboard?

 

 

 

 

Princess is the only cruise line that will do "at sea" weddings, and they are only available on "at sea" days, which will exclude day of sailing.

If you are wanting the wedding to take place on day of sailing, it might be be best to have a port wedding and reception (on ship) with non-sailing guests and then anyone who wants to continue on the "weddingmoon" would be able to.

As for the honeymoon - if you pick a big ship, chances are if the honeymooners don't want to be found they won't!

 

Good luck!

 

Kate :)

[Sandytoes]

dml1216 - First, Congratulations! Wish you much joy, happiness, and love on your second marriage....Enjoy your cruise.

Second, yes, my daughter has a lot of sense to think about how others feel. I am very proud of her...

 

CruisinGrams - Yes, I know taking a cruise is an added expense to attend a wedding...But, I thought combining it with a nice vacation would be a nice suggestion. Guests would be traveling anyway, instead of them paying for hotel, car rental, restaurant meals, entertainment before/after the wedding, it's all included on the cruise. Plus, it gives us more time to spend with out of town guests. Enjoy your son's wedding.... As for the guests who could not attend, maybe they can arrange a special gathering to celebrate. Congratulations to you.

 

Steamboatin - All I did was mention to her if she would consider having it on a cruise, for several reasons.... I did not press the issue at all. I just came here to see how others have dealt with this issue as well and for advice.. Usually people like to hear other people's opinions- good or bad - and not take it to heart....No one is doomed here.... Whatever she wants, within reason, she will get... She values and respects what I suggest and doesn't fly off the handle, thinking I'm controlling her.... I, as well, valve and respect her decisions, whatever it is....It is "HER" day....Not mine.....You did not have to make those kind of comments. One things for sure - we are not the one's with an attitude.

 

mistresskate - Princess was the cruise line I was thinking about. It sails out of NY which most of the guest live...Which would make it easier to travel to.... My DD & future in-laws live upstate, 8 hr drive. My side lives out of state & some on the island. They would not have to pay for all of the above.....I liked your comment about "not being found". If she did have it on the cruise I would have booked her a nice suite on a totally different deck from everyone elses cabin....

 

Thank you all for your support....and hearing my inner thoughts and feelings....She has not clue....

[Smiling Cruiser]

As a past MOB I suggest you let the couple decide where they want to get married-trust me, even if they make all their own decisions when anything goes wrong it will be your fault! Having said that, if they are interested in a cruise wedding, you have two ports to choose from; NYC and Bayonne. The wedding takes place prior to sailing(Carnival or RCCL) and guests can board around 11:30 am and enjoy the ship, wedding and reception and then debark prior to sailing. Guests who want to sail stay aboard and party all cruise long! I had the opportunity to enjoy one of these weddings and we had the greatest time! Good luck-I hope everyone has a great wedding!

[mollyeilis]

Well, my mom died several months before I even MET my now-DH. My dad and stepmom were very hands off and had no opinions (but were lovely enough to write some large-ish checks based on my wants!). My MIL refused to give me any input, despite MANY requests for specific and general information (she's Korean and I really REALLY wanted Korean influences in our wedding, but ended up having to get those ideas from books, b/c she refused to talk to me about it), and was very very cold for many reasons.

 

And from that lonely experience, I only WISH I could have dealt with a mom who had something in mind for my wedding! I hope you and your daughter know how insanely lucky everyone is, that she's got a mom, her FH has a future MIL, that you have her, etc etc etc... My MIL says that sort of thing in a rude, martyr-ish sort of way ("I'm going to die soon I want to get to know you so call me for 2 minutes each week and exchange false pleasantries with me"), but I hope it can be seen in a GOOD light as well.

 

That said!

 

Unless both sides of the family, as well as any bridal party, have money coming out of their noses, I think that having a wedding *during* the cruise is difficult. I know there are many who do it, but I'm not sure if they are big family affairs, but rather very small, intimate gatherings where you're not worried about future SILs and her children because they likely wouldn't be onboard to begin with.

 

 

And on the other side yet again, I surely hope she'll take your kind opinion a bit more seriously than someone saying they "wouldn't be caught dead" somewhere, I mean WOW how rude is THAT? :eek:

 

 

Have fun as a kind and gentle MOB, please hug her a little extra for all of those daughters who had no mom to give opinions while planning weddings. :)

[donaldsc]

Guests would just have to pay for their cruise....

 

Let me make sure that I understand this. The wedding invitation is going to read -

 

"Please come to our cruise wedding, a gift is expected, and you are going to have to pay for the cruise as part of the deal"

 

Doesn't anyone see anytbing strange here?

 

DON

[stevesgirl1111]

No that is not how the invitation read and in fact a gift was not expected. You are very rude!

 

People often fly to go to out of town weddings and have to pay to stay someplace while they're there and they don't get a fabulous cruise out of it. It is unreasonable to expect that a couple getting married on a ship would pay for their guests' cruise fares in addition to a wedding. I can promise you that all of my guests will treasure the vacation we had together forever even though they had to pay for the trip themselves. That's why a lot of couples choose to have their wedding on embarkation day so that people who don't want to pay for the cruise can come the the wedding without paying for the cruise.

[sas80]

Let me make sure that I understand this. The wedding invitation is going to read -

 

"Please come to our cruise wedding, a gift is expected, and you are going to have to pay for the cruise as part of the deal"

 

Doesn't anyone see anytbing strange here?

 

DON

 

Nope!

 

Our wedding flyer (the one we sent out 10 months in advance) said "Please join us" and explained what was going on and the prices for the cruise. As well, we refused to accept any gifts from any people whom actually sailed with us. We actually returned a few gifts that we received post wedding.

 

I dont see anything strange about the scenario.

[joeskitty]

My mom and dad wanted me to have a cruise wedding. I wanted to but never had cruised before and knew alot of the guest couldnt afforded to go. I loved the way my wedding came out. But now looking back I was only thinking of my in laws. My MIL wasnt even at the reception till later in the evening because her brother went into the hospital. And my SIL who where in the wedding are snobs. Not that any of them laid a hand to help in the wedding at all. Now I wish i would have come across this site last yr and learned about the cruise wedding life and not cared so much what was best for the in laws. :rolleyes: Oh well.

[Sandytoes]

mollyeilis - First, sorry to hear about the loss of your mother... Hopefully, somehow - someway, she was looking down at you with pride.... It sounds like you turned out to be a fine young lady.... Your mom would be proud....

 

As for

donaldsc - I have never received an invitation stating -

a gift is expected

Have You? Nor would I ever suggest it.... So why are you thinking that? No one is obligated to provide a wedding gift.

 

stevesgirl1111 - Thank you.... That's was great.... Our relatives from out of state will have to pay for hotel, car rental, food, etc. just for a 4 hour wedding. I thought why not incorporate a nice week long vacation while attending a wedding..... Which would be more enjoyable and a financial benefit.

 

sas80 - Thank you.... No one should accept gifts.... Gift giving comes from the heart... Small or big....Wedding gifts are purely optional.

 

joeskitty - Sometimes we get caught up with "other peoples' likes/dislikes". Not really thinking about "Your Day".... My DD never cruised.... So, she really doesn't know how a wedding/cruise would be like... So I have to respect your decision.

 

Thank you all.....

[mandabear]

Let me make sure that I understand this. The wedding invitation is going to read -

 

"Please come to our cruise wedding, a gift is expected, and you are going to have to pay for the cruise as part of the deal"

 

Doesn't anyone see anytbing strange here?

 

DON

 

 

This is the first time I have seen so many rude posts on the "honeymoon & wedding" board. It's very disappointing.

 

I am planning an at-sea wedding with Princess (although I think they also do embarkation day weddings at the port prior to sailing). I will invite my friends and family because I would love to have them there, but I cannot afford to pay for them. People will either choose to come or they will choose to stay home. (Much like how my fiance and I make the choice to attend the MANY destination weddings we have been invited to.) But I don't think ANY of us are doing "anything strange" by planning a cruise wedding and inviting our loved ones! And certainly none of US are tacky enough to write "a gift is expected."

 

Getting back to the original post, I think it's great that you want to be involved with the wedding planning. I'm sure that your daughter will make the decision that is right for her, just like the rest of us have found our own way.

[ShedQueen77]

Let me make sure that I understand this. The wedding invitation is going to read -

 

"Please come to our cruise wedding, a gift is expected, and you are going to have to pay for the cruise as part of the deal"

 

Doesn't anyone see anytbing strange here?

 

DON

 

I do see something strange. I see someone with 7 posts coming on this board, dragging up a post that has obviously already been resolved, and making rude comments just to upset people. This person is just one of the head spoons of the "poo" stirrers (sorry, I don't want to curse on the board and that's my daughter's replacement word for that :) )

 

If the poster is sincere, then all I can say is that someone needs a lesson in tact and empathy.

 

Now that I've called it, I will bow out. I don't want to feed the trolls.

[Sandytoes]

luvmytbear -

Bravo to you!!! I am sincere about this. I wouldn't have posted if it was any other way.... As for Don, the 7 poster, he is probably the type, if he was invited to a cruise wedding, think his cruise would be totally paid for. . . . He should have read how cruise wedding invitations are written before he posted.... He is the one with the misunderstanding....

This person is just one of the head spoons of the "poo" stirrers

That's a new one for me....LOL

[ShedQueen77]

luvmytbear -

Bravo to you!!! I am sincere about this. I wouldn't have posted if it was any other way.... As for Don, the 7 poster, he is probably the type, if he was invited to a cruise wedding, think his cruise would be totally paid for. . . . He should have read how cruise wedding invitations are written before he posted.... He is the one with the misunderstanding....

 

That's a new one for me....LOL

 

I'm sorry, I should have said if the "spoon stirrer" was sincere, meaning that if he really felt the way he did about the topic or was just trying to be a jerk. If he felt cruise weddings were a bad idea, he could have stated it a LOT more tactfully than he did. I still, however, assume the latter! :)

 

As a mother, I do see where you are coming from. As a bride (encore bride! lol) I know how important it is for me to do what we (me and my fiance) want to do as well. I hope you and your daughter are able to meet in the middle somehow.

[donaldsc]

No that is not how the invitation read and in fact a gift was not expected. You are very rude! .

 

 

I realize that you will not actually put "a gift is expected" on the invitation but when one attends a wedding, one normally gives a gift so "a gift is expected" is certainly implied. In fact, even if you are invited but can not attend, you normally give a gift.

 

So, unless you clearly put on your invitation that gifts are not expected and will be returned if given, my statement that "a gift is expected" is correct.

 

People who attend a land wedding have a choice of hotel costs from moderate to expensive. They may even have friends that they can stay with at the wedding venue. They also have a choice of how long to stay at the wedding venue.

 

You are requiring that anyone who wishes to celebrate your occasion with you pay the full fare for the cruise and take off work for the full length of the cruise.

 

Also, what about the people who do not like cruising (there are at least a few of them out there) or people who get seasick on ships? You are in effect saying to them - "don't come to my wedding".

 

And you say that I am rude.

 

DON

[Sandytoes]

- donaldsc

People who attend a land wedding have a choice of hotel costs from moderate to expensive. They may even have friends that they can stay with at the wedding venue. They also have a choice of how long to stay at the wedding venue.

You are requiring that anyone who wishes to celebrate your occasion with you pay the full fare for the cruise and take off work for the full length of the cruise.

Also, what about the people who do not like cruising (there are at least a few of them out there) or people who get seasick on ships? You are in effect saying to them -

 

And you say that I am rude.

 

Usually vacations last a week or so...so you do need to take off from work.

If you attend an out-of-state LAND wedding isn't it worth to take an extra few days for traveling time, site see, visit long lost friends/relatives?

 

There are also people who have a fear of flying, won't travel by trains, or get car sick. Not just cruising....

 

Thoughtful people would never even think of saying

"don't come to my wedding".

The usual response would be,

"Sorry, you will be missed. We understand completely".

 

What you are trying to say is that there are many excuses for "not" attending a cruise wedding. It's how you're saying it, is rude.

 

 

luvmytbear - whatever my DD wants - where-ever she plans to have it. That is her choice not mine. I will be just as happy....

I just want it to be the best that we can afford....

I don't want her to ever regret her choice....

Should've/Could've....

[ShedQueen77]

I realize that you will not actually put "a gift is expected" on the invitation but when one attends a wedding, one normally gives a gift so "a gift is expected" is certainly implied. In fact, even if you are invited but can not attend, you normally give a gift.

 

So, unless you clearly put on your invitation that gifts are not expected and will be returned if given, my statement that "a gift is expected" is correct.

 

People who attend a land wedding have a choice of hotel costs from moderate to expensive. They may even have friends that they can stay with at the wedding venue. They also have a choice of how long to stay at the wedding venue.

 

You are requiring that anyone who wishes to celebrate your occasion with you pay the full fare for the cruise and take off work for the full length of the cruise.

 

Also, what about the people who do not like cruising (there are at least a few of them out there) or people who get seasick on ships? You are in effect saying to them - "don't come to my wedding".

 

And you say that I am rude.

 

DON

 

Do you not realize that most people who have "cruise ship weddings" do so in a port while the ship is docked? That requires no more expense and time off work than traveling to a "land wedding". You pay for airfare and possibly a hotel. You still have choices on which airline or hotel to use. No one ever said that you have to go on the whole cruise. In fact, most guests opt not to as not to interfere with the honeymoon aspect. There again, you have a CHOICE.

 

Gifts: Why are you so focused on something so materialistic? As a bride to be, gifts from anyone are the last thing on my mind. What I am focused on is having a wonderful day where I will pledge my love and life before God and my friends and family to the man I love with all my heart. Who gives a crap if anyone gives me a gift? I don't need anything. I bet most brides feel this way too. The greatest gift I could receive I have already received in the man I am marrying.

 

Have you ever been a part of a cruise wedding? Have you ever attended one? Planned one? I would bet my cruise fare that you haven't, or you would be a lot more informed than your narrow vision of the subject portrays you to be.

 

Just curious, what is your interest in this board? Are YOU planning a cruise wedding? If not, I have to question your judgement about dropping in on a board full of happy, excited brides, grooms, and their families and making comments like you do. No worries, though. I'm going to enjoy every minute of my wedding. Sticks and stones....

 

PS- Thank you for being a lot more tactful with your second post. A tad on the sarcastic side, but a lot less inflammatory.

[stevesgirl1111]

donaldsc--

 

You clearly have no idea what you are talking about and have never been to a cruise wedding. As I said before many brides, inluding myself, choose to have their wedding on embarkation day. Therefore guests can attend the wedding without going on the cruise.

 

And yes, I stand by my previous statement that you are extremely rude. This board is meant for people to support each other in their wedding/honeymoon planning and you clearly don't fit in here. Do us a favor and if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.

[mandabear]

In case anyone is curious, whoever posted that this guy just jumps onto a board to stir things up is correct. Check for yourself by searching for his other posts. Maybe one or two real posts and the rest are obnoxious. He just wants the attention. It's clear from a few of the posts that he has the ability to participate on a board in a civilized way, he just chooses not to. And with that, I'm done with this conversation. By the way, he seems to lose interest as soon as people stop responding to him!

[ShedQueen77]

In case anyone is curious, whoever posted that this guy just jumps onto a board to stir things up is correct. Check for yourself by searching for his other posts. Maybe one or two real posts and the rest are obnoxious. He just wants the attention. It's clear from a few of the posts that he has the ability to participate on a board in a civilized way, he just chooses not to. And with that, I'm done with this conversation. By the way, he seems to lose interest as soon as people stop responding to him!

 

That was me! I don't get to hear that I'm right very often so thank you! :D