How to handle Mother-In-Law on Alaska Cruise

[friedoreo]

Please, no flames here. I am just looking for some honest advice regarding an upcoming Alaskan cruise...not general mother-in-law advice.

 

To make a long story short, I am sailing in June with my 72 year old MIL and 80 year old FIL. I have DH, DS 4, DS 2 and DD 6months. My MIL does not know how to handle young children and wants to accompany us everywhere. This is fine, except...she is extremely bossy and overbearing. Her advice to me is outdated and annoys me to no end. (and trust me...she has a comment on everything). I would prefer to enjoy our chaotic meals and shore excursions without her presence.

 

What would be the easiest way for her to spend a little time, every day, with us and the kids? I was thinking maybe meeting for lunch on the ship. But she won't eat because she becomes so absorbed in the toddlers' antics. And the meal becomes uncomfortable (not my idea of a vacation). Is there some other form of family bonding on the ship...besides meals? This is a tough one because my children are so young and can't really go to shows, etc... Any advice from others in the same boat would be greatly appreciated.

[CowPrincess]

As awful as this may sound, I'd make sure the shore excursions were VERY physically active, so your MIL wouldn't want to go. Not sure how do-able that is with small kids, though. And perhaps have your DH accompany MIL and FIL for one non-strenuous excusion? Just a thought!

 

Could you start an late afternoon tradition of "refreshments" in your cabin right at the outset? Order some snack-type things, stick a kid's DVD on to keep the little ones occupied, and have a bit of "adult" time with MIL & FIL?

[cruiseinfoseeker]

Please, no flames here. I am just looking for some honest advice regarding an upcoming Alaskan cruise...not general mother-in-law advice.

 

To make a long story short, I am sailing in June with my 72 year old MIL and 80 year old FIL. I have DH, DS 4, DS 2 and DD 6months. My MIL does not know how to handle young children and wants to accompany us everywhere. This is fine, except...she is extremely bossy and overbearing. Her advice to me is outdated and annoys me to no end. (and trust me...she has a comment on everything). I would prefer to enjoy our chaotic meals and shore excursions without her presence.

 

What would be the easiest way for her to spend a little time, every day, with us and the kids? I was thinking maybe meeting for lunch on the ship. But she won't eat because she becomes so absorbed in the toddlers' antics. And the meal becomes uncomfortable (not my idea of a vacation). Is there some other form of family bonding on the ship...besides meals? This is a tough one because my children are so young and can't really go to shows, etc... Any advice from others in the same boat would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I've got to say, I don't think you really think that this is fine. I don't know how we can help you with this one. I think you need to have a discussion with DH about this vacation. Unless they are paying for you to go with them, I'd say rethink this cruise with them.

[Karysa]

No Flames, just best wishes. How about breakfast together?(because it is the shortest meal and both kids and grandparents would be well rested). Another idea may be to arrange a time for them to spend quality time with one child at a time. They could take the little ones for a walk and a juice break or something like that. Maybe they could mini putt or play shuffleboard with your eldest.

Karysa

[crusinmama06]

Breakfast at the buffet. Then it will be even quicker. ;)

 

You don't want to see my true advice on MIL's. Last August I had a long thread running entitled "Can I feed my MIL to the sharks at Atlantis?"

 

It was decided that for the good of the sharks (it would give them idigestion) that no, I couldn't. :D

[Crusin6]

Personally, I too would re think this cruise and possibly all vacations that include MIL & FIL. Are they paying? If they don't really care to be with the kids, why would they even want to come along? No flames but just a few concerns as to why this trip is planned. The baby is really young. How will it work if she wakes up? Does she even sleep thru the night? Maybe your post is a joke on all of us? iT SOUNDS LIKE A HORROR SHOW IN THE MAKING.

 

You know the more I read your original post, the more I realize that it is a joke. Thanks for the laugh, I am sure many can relate! BTW, if this is NOT a joke then by all means get DH to straighten them out.:eek:

[Crusin6]

I noticed that this would be your third cruise and based on the dates all of your kids were very very young. You were able to do the Med, take that flight and by my calculations be pregnant with DD? Sounds like MIL is paying but my goodness if you can afford to travel like that then by all means bring along a babysitter. BTW we travel often, pay for ourselves, and have 4dd's. And no I would not be able to afford a babysitter but then again my youngest dd is 7 and the oldest is 18.

 

Oh I forgot, this whole post is a joke. Right? Please tell me that you won't torture yourself on this cruise and that it is a joke.:D

[friedoreo]

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions :) This is really not a joke. And yes, my in-laws are paying. (One reason I feel really guilty posting this b/c they are being so generous). It is just hard to have both of us in the same room. And don't get me wrong...they adore the grandchildren...they just cannot handle them at this age. My kids are great travelers and I did fly while pregnant with DS 1 and DS 3 to meet my DH in Europe for the Magic cruise. So we are all used to traveling and behaving ourselves. It is just adding the in-laws into the mix that is causing me great difficulty. They really wanted to cruise Alaska before FIL got much older...so how could I say no. Believe me...I would much rather not take any vacations with them. I just need advice on how to handle them on this trip. The kids are the least of my worries because I have no difficulty traveling with them.

[quincytoo]

Too bad you can't drug her......;)

 

I like the breakfast idea and/or perhaps getting together once a day to go for a walk, play in the kids camp or play a kid approved game??

 

Hopefully they don't expect to eat every meal with your family?? I'd be shutting that idea down instantly.

 

Goodk luck :)

[Grannycb]

My kids have very fond memories of their grandmother traveling with us. She wasn't the easiest person to get along with (understatement!) but she was an important part of the family. It's well worth the effort to find a good compromise. Perhaps you and your DH could take turns doing activities with the older generation. They might enjoy going to afternoon tea with either you or your DH. Maybe you could ask your MIL if she would be the family photographer on the trip. It would give her something constructive to do and give all involved lasting memories.

[Catnip]

 

Hopefully they don't expect to eat every meal with your family?? I'd be shutting that idea down instantly.

 

Goodk luck :)

 

Hmm...Just curious as to why you would think that the whole family would not eat their meals together? :confused: If this is a "family" vacation & they are footing the bill, I would suspect that they want to eat together.

I may be totally wrong and maybe the in-laws don't want to dine with the small kids at every meal, I don't know.

But, my suggestions would be for either you & your DH, or just your DH to sit down with his parents and discuss everyone's expectations. That way, you can find out exactly what they expect, so there are no hurt feelings once you get on the ship. If everyone is honest & open, then there shouldn't be any problems.

 

Hope you have a great cruise!

[crusinmama06]

Hmm...Just curious as to why you would think that the whole family would not eat their meals together? :confused: If this is a "family" vacation & they are footing the bill, I would suspect that they want to eat together.

I may be totally wrong and maybe the in-laws don't want to dine with the small kids at every meal, I don't know.

But, my suggestions would be for either you & your DH, or just your DH to sit down with his parents and discuss everyone's expectations. That way, you can find out exactly what they expect, so there are no hurt feelings once you get on the ship. If everyone is honest & open, then there shouldn't be any problems.

 

Hope you have a great cruise!

 

I think Quincytoo said that because of what the OP said

 

"What would be the easiest way for her to spend a little time, every day, with us and the kids? I was thinking maybe meeting for lunch on the ship. But she won't eat because she becomes so absorbed in the toddlers' antics. And the meal becomes uncomfortable (not my idea of a vacation). Is there some other form of family bonding on the ship...besides meals? This is a tough one because my children are so young and can't really go to shows, etc... Any advice from others in the same boat would be greatly appreciated."

 

I can understand those feelings as my mom does the same thing. She can't relax around children. My MIL (although I wanted to feed her to sharks) is an angel to my children. My mom, well the shorter the visit, the better because she just gets antsy.

[Catnip]

I think Quincytoo said that because of what the OP said

 

"What would be the easiest way for her to spend a little time, every day, with us and the kids? I was thinking maybe meeting for lunch on the ship. But she won't eat because she becomes so absorbed in the toddlers' antics. And the meal becomes uncomfortable (not my idea of a vacation).

 

OK, I understand now. :)

[quincytoo]

I think Quincytoo said that because of what the OP said

 

"What would be the easiest way for her to spend a little time, every day, with us and the kids? I was thinking maybe meeting for lunch on the ship. But she won't eat because she becomes so absorbed in the toddlers' antics. And the meal becomes uncomfortable (not my idea of a vacation). Is there some other form of family bonding on the ship...besides meals? This is a tough one because my children are so young and can't really go to shows, etc... Any advice from others in the same boat would be greatly appreciated."

 

I can understand those feelings as my mom does the same thing. She can't relax around children. My MIL (although I wanted to feed her to sharks) is an angel to my children. My mom, well the shorter the visit, the better because she just gets antsy.

 

 

I did mean that .....thank you....I just got out of a four night hospital stay after having some major surgery....I am so not with it stilll.....LOL....ouch that hurts...;)

 

 

Actually family meals together are so very important to us as a family, that said, with my mother at the table when my children were smaller, it would have been a race to make sure we were finished before any *drama* started, much as I think the OP is dreading...

 

 

 

 

My parents (god bless them) came down to *help* when I was in the hospital. and they so did :)

 

...I so owe my dear husband for putting up with my mother!!! As much as I love her.....well, she is a force to be reckoned with!!

[mjmalino]

 

My mom, well the shorter the visit, the better because she just gets antsy.

 

I have to admit, that sounds true to me. In fact, on our cruise this year we asked both my in-laws and my mom to join us. My in-laws are coming (9 days), my mom declined. To be honest, this way should work fine. I get along very well with my MIL and FIL, however, I WOULD end up feeding my mom to the sharks after about 3 days as she can't sit still for 2 minutes!!!!

[Cruisin' Chick]

Breakfast at the buffet. Then it will be even quicker. ;)

 

You don't want to see my true advice on MIL's. Last August I had a long thread running entitled "Can I feed my MIL to the sharks at Atlantis?"

 

It was decided that for the good of the sharks (it would give them idigestion) that no, I couldn't. :D

 

Good one. I have loads of sympathy for the OP.

 

My mil has good intentions but I couldn't imagine spending a whole cruise with her. She's the type who watches PBS a lot and is an instant expert. I still remember the dinner when she was talking about some show she watched and was giving us a whole lecture (she's a retired preschool teacher). I said that I know all this as this was what I did my Master's project on (which was true), but she continued on. Hubby, his brother and their father ignored her as usual as the subject didn't interest them.

 

Maybe you can find out if there's some activity that would be of interest to her (lectures, trivia, arts and crafts????).

[Crusin6]

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions :) This is really not a joke. And yes, my in-laws are paying. (One reason I feel really guilty posting this b/c they are being so generous). It is just hard to have both of us in the same room. And don't get me wrong...they adore the grandchildren...they just cannot handle them at this age. My kids are great travelers and I did fly while pregnant with DS 1 and DS 3 to meet my DH in Europe for the Magic cruise. So we are all used to traveling and behaving ourselves. It is just adding the in-laws into the mix that is causing me great difficulty. They really wanted to cruise Alaska before FIL got much older...so how could I say no. Believe me...I would much rather not take any vacations with them. I just need advice on how to handle them on this trip. The kids are the least of my worries because I have no difficulty traveling with them.

 

So let them cruise Alaska together, why must you go? So MIL can abuse you? Stop feeling guilty! You are a good parent I am sure, you probably have a great DH, so get off the guilt bandwagon. Travel just the 5 of you, and stop letting MIL walk all over you. I did that 10 years into our 20 year marriage and have gained alot of respect from all the IL's. BTW if they don't like it too bad. Remember bosses like when their employees have a backbone, so do IL's. They know you are their son's and Grandchildren's future, so just take hold by the reigns. I am really a sympathetic person but you are so unhappy about this cruise, and MIL knows that BTW, trust me, she will try to make you miserable all the while showing how much she ADORES the grandchildren. Yes she adores her son's50% interest in them, for sure.

 

Good Luck and take a stand. Let them travel alone. If they take your family inorder to help them along then let them hire an assistant to accompany them. You can do Alaska some other time and see the IL's at home if you want to spend "quality time", if that is possible with them.

[Cruisin'Trooper]

In our family, when an IL gets a tad bossy, we pull the respective parent to the side with a private and firm "knock it off". I handle my parents and she handles hers, works everytime.

[ladypalmtree]

Wow...I feel your pain. My MIL has never been good around kids...I think my dh was raised by a nanny for the most part...she has just started paying attention to the 22 yr old...has no use for the fifteen year old.......My late FIL was always so great...let them be kids...I miss him. Why do people expect kids to act like adults? They should be well behaved kids! anyway....I wish you well my dear!

[rebeccalouise]

I hope this doesn't constitute advice but why on earth do your inlaws even want to come if they have no tolerance for kids?

 

I think it might be best to have a discussion with them about the trip and what their expectations are.

 

Usually grandparents want to help lessen the load. Maybe they could watch the little ones while you and your husband have a nice quiet dinner. Then you inlaws could have a nice quiet dinner.

 

It sounds to me like you all need to talk about this trip in advance so that you are all on the same page.

 

If my three were coming- I would expect the grandparents to want to spend time with the little ones. If they don't- probably the wrong trip for them.

 

I have been in your shoes. My parents invited me and my kids on an all expense paid to Switzerland in 2003. I said no immediately. They asked why. I said because the two year old is not going to enjoy fancy dinners, long excursions and I dread the flight over and back. My family all jumped in and said they would help with the baby and my father arranged for a babysitter for two nights- so that we could all dine together in peace. It was good to open up the lines of communication because had I gone and felt like the baby was always bothering everyone- it would have been a nightmare. Instead it was really an enjoyable trip for all involved.

[dforeigner]

In our family' date=' when an IL gets a tad bossy, we pull the respective parent to the side with a private and firm "knock it off". I handle my parents and she handles hers, works everytime.[/quote']

 

Good advise. Set the ground rules, but be polite.

[notentirelynormal]

Well, I don't think sailing without you, or avoiding/ignoring the MIL is realistic good advise. You are all going and you simply want some ideas on how to make it more manageable. From the above posters its obvious its a common in law problem.

 

How about if you take the kids to the kids club to wear off steam and leave them there with MIL. She is spending alone time with them but the staff is there to help interact if need be. My mother always did crafts with the kids when they were little. They are making something to be proud of, she's helping them do it and they can all surprise you of their accomplishments. Not sure if your ship will have that, but I think most of them do. Again, there will be a crew member there so she won't be on her own and the kids will be active.

[bmgaritty]

What does your husband do in these situations? It's his mother, why isn't he handling it?

 

Good Luck!

[Dr_DNA]

You don't want to see my true advice on MIL's. Last August I had a long thread running entitled "Can I feed my MIL to the sharks at Atlantis?"

 

It was decided that for the good of the sharks (it would give them idigestion) that no, I couldn't. :D

 

I would like to point out the indigestion is only temporary; MIL's are around for much longer. You may want to reconsider. Plus, a big old bottle of TUMS from Costco can help too. Nothing I know of helps with MIL's. :D

[rebeccalouise]

here is the thing with parents (grandparents).

 

Grandparents feel pretty powerless in situations where the parents are present. Certain things the younger parents do bother the older "wiser" parents. Things like allowing the kids to run around in the diningroom or scream and yell. I can see both sides of the equation.

 

I think it is unrealistic for a family of 7 to sit down to dinner with a 4 year old, 2 year old and 6 month old and not expect kaos.

 

So, perhaps you could arrange for your parents to watch the kids in the cabin while you dine at night. I think your parents might be receptive to this idea. Mine were. What's more- then they can deal with the kids- not keep backseat driving at the table. You'll all be happier.

 

I am willing to bet the children behave differently around the grandparents. My kids knew that I was a soft touch and how to get there way. The kids are more weary of grandparents and are better behaved. That might be where in the trouble lies.