Friday Giggle 23rd April

[kiwi sailor]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the

three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an

Aussie.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

 

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but

all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket,

please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a

ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the

conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip

and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they

get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

 

To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are

you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

 

Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

 

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and

the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly

 

afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the

bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." :D

[callmewhatever]

Now that is a good one....LOL!

[Kinkacruiser]

A magician works on a cruise ship. The audience is different each week, so he does the same tricks over and over again. However, the captain’s parrot sees the same show every week and starts to get bored. It even starts heckling and giving away the magician’s secrets.

 

“Look, it’s not the same hat! He’s hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” etc.

 

The magician is furious but can’t do anything and the situation continues until the ship hits a reef and sinks. The magician finds himself floating on a piece of wreckage with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They both stare at each other in hatred but neither utters a word. This goes on for a whole day, then another, then another. On the fourth day the parrot can’t contain itself any longer.

 

 

“Okay,” it says. “I give up. What have you done with the ship?”

 

 

Cheers,

Anna

[kiwi sailor]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

 

"That's right! You may enter."

 

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[kiwi sailor]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

 

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

 

So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking QANTAS," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"QANTAS?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

 

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

 

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of QANTAS's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

 

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?

[Sandielle]

Chicken Surprise

 

A couple on a cruise decided to forgo the Dining Room one night and try a meal at the Chinese-style restaurant, and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'.

 

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

'Solly sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

 

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

 

'Ah! So solly,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

[kaseyoz]

If you have visited the thread I linked from the RCL board, go back again, they are up to 10 pages now and still going strong.

 

 

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1185604

[Bella cruiser]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and the weather was really stormy. They were standing at the stern of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. The crew searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap" :D

 

Jenny

[yatchet]

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1183032&page=2

 

Arrgg, I posted mine in the wrong thread !!

[MargnGrah]

If you have visited the thread I linked from the RCL board, go back again, they are up to 10 pages now and still going strong.

 

 

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=1185604

 

Thanks Karon... it is so funny!!:D

[2CtheC]

Two blokes bump into each other on formal night. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!

[Guest012]

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.

The captain responds, "I'm a Royal Australian Naval Captain change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman second class," came the reply "Change YOUR course, sir."

The captain is furious and relays the message...

"I'm a battleship! I am NOT changing course!"

Reply back:

 

"I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[Kiwi Kruzer]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

 

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

 

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

 

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

 

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

 

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

 

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the

letter 'T' '?

 

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

 

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

 

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

 

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

 

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

 

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

 

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

 

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

 

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

 

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

 

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

 

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

 

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

 

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the

name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

 

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

 

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

 

'It's Andy.'

 

'Andy??'

 

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

 

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

 

'Easy' said the blonde,

'Andy sat,

Andy watched,

Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

 

 

 

and the blonde entered into Heaven..........

 

 

 

[Sandielle]

That's a good one David! :D