Am I being overprotective?

[Aelsantokie]

So on my last cruise (this past Aug.) my daughter befriended a little boy who was her age (8 years old) and has a younger brother who was 6.

I noticed my daughter playing/swimming with him and after awhile I noticed that I didn't see any adults he was with.

 

Throughout the week while we were walking to the dining room or walking to and from virtually anything the kids wanted to do we ran into this boy a lot. He always had his little brother with him.

 

One of the last days at sea I asked him where his mom or dad was he he said his mom was in the room with his baby brother and his father he didn't know. After talking to him, I came to the conclusion that he was a very smart boy who isn't shy at all! My husband lamented that we were being too strict with our kids. After all, they aren't even allowed to play in our front yard without one of us watching them and DH feels that since we live in a cul de sac they are safe.

 

Now, this post is in no ways passing judgment on any parent on what they do, I just want to hear your opinion. I personally don't feel comfortable with my 8 year old daughter walking the ship by herself and when she turns 9 on our next cruise she will NOT have the privilege of signing herself out of camp carnival.

 

How old are your kids and how much freedom do they get while cruising?

[Ula]

Some kids are given a lot of freedom. My family is not so comfortable with that idea. I remember on a RCI cruise running into my mom at a bar. And she had a very smart 8 year old sitting next to her just chatting away. She finally asked where are your folks. He said other places. We kind of looked out for the little guy.

Even a cruise ship can have dangers for young people. But some parents assume it is all safe. Our family would not feel comfortable with that. We have travelled with the young people, and they are in the kids clubs or we know where they are at.

Remember running into a nephew on the stairs. First words out of my mouth were where are you going. His response was shuffle board with a friend and mom knows and you can find her on deck six to check. Told him have fun.

[A&Jfamily]

My son (straight A student, now a brown belt in karate, and cautious by nature) was given sign-in/out just shy of 10. But he had strict rules - there was no "roaming the ship;" camp, ice cream, room, mom - no exceptions.

 

I could easily check up on him and he didn't break the rules once - he didn't want to be confined to his cabin for the remainder of the day or lose the priviliges for the trip.

 

He had 2 cruises with those rules, and I am glad we did it. He is 12 now, and on our last cruise, he was Circle C - no sign in/out option. And no morning program at all. It was a great way for him to demonstrate the responsibilty I believed he had and gave him a small taste of independence, especially as he transitions to the world of teens and Circle C.

[junglejane]

I have two daughters, one of whom just turned 14 and the other is 9 (but will turn 10 just before our Spring Break cruise). With the older DD, we have been giving her the ability to sign herself out starting around age 11. She has always been very mature and reliable. Like with A&JFamily, we started with strict rules -- you can go get ice cream by yourself but come right back, etc. We have gradually given her a little more freedom. Our last cruise was on the Mariner OTS, and it was the first time she was old enough for the teen program. That was a little stressful for me, because there seemed to be longer periods of time when I didn't know exactly where she was and was fretting about it. I found myself doing a little stalking, LOL.

 

I can't imagine allowing an 8 year old to roam freely, much less being put in charge of a 6 year old sibling. I'm doubtful about giving my soon-to-be 10 year old DD sign-out privileges, because she just doesn't seem ready for the responsibility.

[MamaParrotHead]

My DD is going to be 11 and she won't be roaming about either. I say do what YOU are comfortable with. If, GOD FORBID, anything would happen, I'd hate for you to have anyone else's opinions have guided you on making this very personal decision. Good luck!

[Aelsantokie]

My DD is going to be 11 and she won't be roaming about either. I say do what YOU are comfortable with. If, GOD FORBID, anything would happen, I'd hate for you to have anyone else's opinions have guided you on making this very personal decision. Good luck!

 

 

Oh for sure I am ultimately going go with my guts but I was just wondering if I was the minority here. DH thinks I should lighten up a little bit but better safe than sorry...especially after reading bruise cruise or something like that.

[boulders]

I have a ds15 and a dd12. I definitely felt comfortable letting ds go off by himself at a younger age than dd. DD still isn't allowed to go anywhere by herself after about 7 pm. I think I'll be ready for that when she's about 30. :rolleyes: That having been said, I think 8 is too young to go anywhere on a ship by themselves (except maybe to the bathroom, or back up to the buffet.

[beachchick]

I don't understand some parents. I'm not saying we were perfect parents, not by any means, but we'd never have allowed our DD to wander around a place the size of a small town by herself at 8 or even 10. I swear some parents think that cruises are a vacation from parenting too and that it's the job of the crew and other passengers to take over parenting responsibilities for them. It really bothers me. The whole idea of "It's a ship at sea, what can go wrong" is so beyond comprehension, yet many parents seem to forget it's a microcosm of society and not some fictional fantasy land.

 

What would these parents have done had something happened to either or both of those children? I bet they'd have sued the cruise line and would have taken zero responsibility for themselves.:mad:

 

 

Aelsantokie:

 

No, I do not believe you are being overprotective. Although it troubles me to see and hear about "helicopter" parents (I think that's the right term) who can't let their children grow and become independent, there is nothing overprotective or hovering about parents making sure their 8 year old daughter is safe on a ship with 3,000 other people, nearly all of whom are strangers, and with many unknown places and hazards.

 

When she is older and has had more life experiences as well as more time to mature, then sure you can let her have incremental freedoms, which she will earn and continue to earn. You'll feel good about it and so will she.

 

beachchick

[crusinmama06]

I am with beachchick. I could just say DITTO :D

 

My oldest daughter is 10. She is not allowed to walk around on the ships by herself. She does have sign out privledges so she can do the scavenger hunts. But I meet her at the club to walk her back to the cabin -- we have assigned meeting times.

 

The ships is not our small town. We live on a cul de sac too. So I get your point. ;)

 

My oldest daughter is starting to enter the tween years. She'll start wanting a little more freedom when the kids clubs aren't so structured. And I will give her that freedom. But my youngest daughter, the 6 year old, won't be heading for ice cream by herself. No way. :eek:

[cb at sea]

It will depend on your kids, and how independant and trustworthy they are. I would allow my child to go to specific places without me...say, we're at the pool, and my child wants to run to the WJ...I'd allow that. I would NOT allow "roaming" for no reason.

 

You know, I grew up when no one "watched" us....we went outside to play after breakfast, and as long as we were home for dinner, all was cool!

Statistics show that children are in no more "danger" today, than they were in the 1950's....the world has NOT gotten more "dangerous" for kids....but adults have gotten a more "heightened sense" of danger....I guess because of the instant news reports we are bombarded with.

The whole point of raising kids is to make them independant, so they can do things on their own, and feel confident in doing that....coddle them too much, watch them all the time, and they never get the chance to 'test their wings', and become confident in their own decision-making powers!

[mjkacmom]

I let my 11 year old dd and 9 year old ds go off on their own, provided they stayed together, a few years ago. I'd let my now 12 year old ds go off with dd9, I'd let dd14 off on her own, or off with my 7 year olds. However, my kids have been allowed outside on their own since the age of 4 or so, and start walking to school in the second grade (with older kids). Dd14 and ds12 have the run of our town. I think it depends upon the children's maturity, and what they've been exposed to. At our pool club (2 levels), my kids have been on their own since 4 or so (with others).

[beachchick]

It will depend on your kids, and how independant and trustworthy they are. I would allow my child to go to specific places without me...say, we're at the pool, and my child wants to run to the WJ...I'd allow that. I would NOT allow "roaming" for no reason.

You know, I grew up when no one "watched" us....we went outside to play after breakfast, and as long as we were home for dinner, all was cool!

Statistics show that children are in no more "danger" today, than they were in the 1950's....the world has NOT gotten more "dangerous" for kids....but adults have gotten a more "heightened sense" of danger....I guess because of the instant news reports we are bombarded with.

The whole point of raising kids is to make them independant, so they can do things on their own, and feel confident in doing that....coddle them too much, watch them all the time, and they never get the chance to 'test their wings', and become confident in their own decision-making powers!

 

I mostly agree with you. There have been articles and large scale studies about the dangers of the hovering, overly involved parent. I couldn't believe it when I read about how universities have started to have to have "separation" ceremonies and set up rules about parental involvement, about parents who practically move in to the dorms along with their young adult children, about how those young adults haven't got a clue about how to be independent thinkers or how to handle finances or how to do even the most basic things (e.g., laundry, cooking an egg), about parents who call and text and email their adult children all day, about college students who use as an excuse for missing class of "My mommy didn't call me to wake me up for school today." I think these are real problems.

 

The whole notion of "play dates" boggles us. When we were growing up, we didn't have dates, we just played. Even when our DD was growing up, she was allowed to play and when she was old enough she was allowed to walk and bike to friends' houses. Until high school, she walked and biked to school with a friend or two, not alone. Our house was a place where all her friends knew they were welcome any time. So I would point out that when you and we and even our DD went out to play all day, it's not true that "no one" watched us. The entire neighborhoods--all the adults--watched out for all the children. Children knew that they could run for help to nearly any house if they had any problems or felt unsafe.

 

I grew up on a cul-de-sac too. As mid-years baby boomers, my brother and I were only two of about 40 children just on that block. We all played outside all the time, all year when the weather was decent (and even when it was not quite decent). We knew we had to be in by dusk and the siren song of "Dinner time!" happened daily. Today, my DH and live on a dead end block. There are far fewer children, but they run around and bike and play and it's fine. But the reason it's fine is that we all know each other. Maybe not as well as when I was growing up, but we'd know if a stranger was in the neighborhood and we all watch out of all the kids--regardless of whether we have kids at home. I think that the dangers today are not so much "more" as "different" because of technology. And the constant 24/7 news cycle with endless reports of bad things that happen to children and teens doesn't help.

 

My "however" is that we're not talking about what's safe at home. IMO, a cruise ship is not the place for an 8 year old to be given the same kind of freedom as she might have at home. Not any more than it would be a good idea of an 8 year old to have the freedom to roam at a huge amusement park. I don't think it depends solely on a child's independence and trustworthiness, it also depends on age and the situation. It might be fine for a 10 year old to pop up to the WJ for a snack alone. IMO, it would not be fine for a 6 year old, I don't care how "mature" that child might be.

 

In some situations and places it is better to err on the side of caution than give too much freedom, IMO.

 

beachchick

[Warmer Climes]

I don't understand some parents. I'm not saying we were perfect parents, not by any means, but we'd never have allowed our DD to wander around a place the size of a small town by herself at 8 or even 10. I swear some parents think that cruises are a vacation from parenting too and that it's the job of the crew and other passengers to take over parenting responsibilities for them. It really bothers me. The whole idea of "It's a ship at sea, what can go wrong" is so beyond comprehension, yet many parents seem to forget it's a microcosm of society and not some fictional fantasy land.

 

What would these parents have done had something happened to either or both of those children? I bet they'd have sued the cruise line and would have taken zero responsibility for themselves.:mad:

 

 

Aelsantokie:

 

No, I do not believe you are being overprotective. Although it troubles me to see and hear about "helicopter" parents (I think that's the right term) who can't let their children grow and become independent, there is nothing overprotective or hovering about parents making sure their 8 year old daughter is safe on a ship with 3,000 other people, nearly all of whom are strangers, and with many unknown places and hazards.

 

When she is older and has had more life experiences as well as more time to mature, then sure you can let her have incremental freedoms, which she will earn and continue to earn. You'll feel good about it and so will she.

 

beachchick

 

I agree with you 100%. The guests and staff on a cruise ship are strangers. My youngest is 12, and while she is allowed a lot of freedom in our small town where we know everyone, on our cruises we need to know where she is all the time. Our upcoming cruise will be the first one that she'll have sign-in/out priveleges at the kids club but we have agreed upon a system for her to let us know where she is. She is a very responsible and sensible girl but she is still a child and I am responsible for her safety and well-being. I wouldn't take a young child to a huge mall and let her wander around by himself or herself. How is a cruise ship different?

[Nebr.cruiser]

I don't believe you are being over-protective at all. 8 is just too young to have 'roaming' privileges. We are planning on taking five grandkids on a cruise this year precisely because the oldest two will be 11, not 12, which means they will not have sign-out privileges.

 

Now, we may allow them to have limited freedom, such as, in pairs, they can go from the swimming pool to get a snack at the WJ, or back to the room, but not alone.

 

Also, many people think their kids are more mature than they really are, away from Mom and Dad. I taught sixth grade (11-12 yr. olds) for many years and kids this age are generally still very much kids and vary greatly in maturity.

 

I always remember a tv documentary about 'stranger' danger. In this show, kids of varying ages from 5 or so up into their teens were 'tested' by various strangers approaching them in cars, at their front door, outside of stores, etc.

 

All the parents insisted their kids knew what to do or not to do in these situations, and when the kids were asked by adults, they reiterated the lines; don't answer the door, don't get in a car, don't follow someone, even if they say something like, Your mom sent me, Want to see my kitten? etc.

 

But, when the kids were actually put in these (fake) situations; such as, someone in a car pulled up beside them as they walked home from school, or knocked at their door when they were home alone, EVERY ONE of the kids, no matter their age, got in the car, opened the door, went with the stranger, etc. It was extremely scary.

 

In other words, don't be complacent that your kids will do what they should do/ know to do in a given situation.

 

I agree that we can be overly protective and that kids do need to learn life skills, just not on a cruise ship at age 8!

[Onessa]

DD is now 15yo. We've worked hard to foster her independence while still maintaining safe practices.

 

When she was 7 or 8 and we were travelling with one of her friends or same-aged cousins, we'd actively seek out situations where we could let the girls go together to the restroom or up to order something or whatever. Situations where there would be a "buddy" and that the two were either never out of eyesight or only briefly so (and even then in a controlled environment).

 

As she got older the "leash" would get longer -- you and your friend can spend an hour-and-a-half in the small town where my DH grew up -- the two ALWAYS had to be within a step of each other and EVERYONE in town knew DD (in all honesty, she was much less likely to get away with anything at these times because she had 20-30 sets of eyes on her at any time rather than just dad's and mine! :))

 

She'd have sign-out privileges on cruises while in the 9-11year group with the understanding that it was only for participating in kids' club events -- otherwise she was to wait for one of us. Sometimes she'd meet up with friends on a cruise and we'd work with the parents of her friends to let them do other activities together.

 

On her cruises since "aging out of" the kids clubs and into the teen activities, we've set and enforced rules. Primary among these rules -- No one is ever to be alone -- ever. (we are fortunate in that DD has very distinctive hair, that all the little old ladies seem to love -- so DD knows that she probably will be noticed and that these little old ladies seem to just love to come up to her DH and/or I and talk off our ears about our DD, her hair, and how they "saw her and her little friends earlier . . . . .<fill in details>" -- poor dear, she couldn't "get away" with anything if she wanted to!

 

But in summary - you have to work hard to balance between being a hovering helicopter parent and one who is so self-absorbed as to not care about their child's safty and well-being.

[drblue]

Hello Aelsantokie,

I realize that parents raise their kids differently, and noone should tell other parents how to instill independence or freedom on their kids. I understand that you feel safe at home. However, I think you are on the right track with watching your kids on a cruise vacation. A ship is NOT like home; everyone is a stranger.

What is going to happen when a child gets lost, abused, beaten, or even killed? Who is going to assume responsability? I almost think that parents who let their kids run bythemselves would not think it was their job to watch the kids. Should it have been the cruise staff? other cruisers? the children's programs?

 

At the end, parents should be responsible for the wellbeing of their own kids - noone else. If anything bad happens (find some of the posts here in CC), people can argue and file a lawsuit over the incidents, but those actions are already too late for that child.

[Mack2]

I've been following this thread closely, trying to formulate my opinion.

 

I tend to agree with BeachChick. My eldest will be 12 on our next cruise, and I still don't think I'm ready for him to roam around completely independent of us. I mean, he's legally blind, and I want to foster a strong sense of independence for him... but... I don't think he's ready... and I'm sure the kids are annoyed with us for that.... Frankly, I don't know WHEN I'll feel they're ready.

 

He plays in the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids, but at least we know most of the neighbors.

He has gone down to Alabama for a week to attend Space Camp without us... but that was a really controlled situation. He was in the camp program, and it was specially designed for kids with visual impairments/blindness.

 

I don't think you're being overprotective. You're on vacation, but it doesn't mean you can afford to be less vigilant.

Do you leave your digital camera out on the lounge chair? Of course not, it might walk.

Then why would you leave your elementary school aged kid unattended? amirite? :p

[mjkacmom]

Do you leave your digital camera out on the lounge chair? Of course not, it might walk.

Then why would you leave your elementary school aged kid unattended? amirite? :p

 

Well, my ds12 just rode his bike around town with some friends, and at 6, I realized it was getting dark, so I called him and told him to ride home. I certainly wouldn't let my camera ride it's bike around town, because it doesn't have the ability to do so.

 

Ds12 has a friend who is also going on our cruise, and they will let us know where they are, and if they are changing locations, but no, he will not always be in sight. I do believe there is safety in numbers. I know there are strangers on the cruise, but my town is made up of almost 30,000, and I'm comfortable having him out and about. Most child predators prey on people they know, and a child is far more likely to be molested by a friend, family member, coach, etc. Yet my kids are allowed to go on playdates, be alone with relative, go to practices, etc.

 

I won't let my 7 and 9 year olds go off together, but I might let my 9 year old and her 10 year old friend go and get ice cream, out of sight. Again, I have no problem with her walking to school.

[Mack2]

Ds12 has a friend who is also going on our cruise, and they will let us know where they are, and if they are changing locations, but no, he will not always be in sight. I do believe there is safety in numbers. I know there are strangers on the cruise, but my town is made up of almost 30,000, and I'm comfortable having him out and about. Most child predators prey on people they know, and a child is far more likely to be molested by a friend, family member, coach, etc. Yet my kids are allowed to go on playdates, be alone with relative, go to practices, etc.

 

Twelve years of age is the latter half of 6th grade and 7th grade.

Junior high is usually an acceptable age to be independent.

 

The unattended children in the original post of this thread were 8 and 6 years old. As much as I trust my own children (who are currently that age), I don't think it's a good idea for them to be on a cruise unattended.

 

My eldest, who will be 12 years old on our next cruise can be independent, but again, he's visually impaired, so I worry moreso for him. His visual acuity is 20/400 because of the macular degeneration... and even at a buffet, he needs to get very close to something to figure out what it is... and it usually gets dirty looks.

I suppose he'll have to take a scoop of food on his plate to look at it before he decides to eat it if we aren't with him... we have to figure out a good way to adapt that need.

 

Additionally, when you send your kids go to a relatives house, or to soccer practice with a coach, there's accountability. Outside of the kid's club on a cruise, there's no accountability. Heck, you can have a rude adult accuse your child of playing with the elevator buttons and it would put you in an unpleasant situation.

[Warmer Climes]

And let's not forget the other side of the coin regarding unsupervised kids. SOMEONE'S kids are messing with the elevator buttons and running and shouting in the halls on many cruises we've done. Do their parents know what they're up to?

[Onessa]

And let's not forget the other side of the coin regarding unsupervised kids. SOMEONE'S kids are messing with the elevator buttons and running and shouting in the halls on many cruises we've done. Do their parents know what they're up to?

 

Let's not forget the third side of Warmer Climes coin? Maybe the "SOMEONE'S kids" are not kids?

• We've had a 40-something drunk press every floor's button and proceed to hold the door and look both ways on each floor -- looking for something familiar (we assume it was every floor we left after 3 decks and hit the stairs)
  
• We've had a 60-something woman hold the elevator door because her DH ran back to the room the get the camera. And believe me he "ran"!
  
• We've been awaken at 2:00am by a drunk demanding that "Sheila" let him in because he had lost his key
  
• We've had no use of one pool for an afternoon after another drunk got sick in it.
  

Where are these idiots' "parents"? Let's not have yet another otherwise intellegent discussion about when and how to help our kids grow and mature degenerate into a families should not be cruising thread!

[Warmer Climes]

Let's not forget the third side of Warmer Climes coin? Maybe the "SOMEONE'S kids" are not kids?

• We've had a 40-something drunk press every floor's button and proceed to hold the door and look both ways on each floor -- looking for something familiar (we assume it was every floor we left after 3 decks and hit the stairs)
  
• We've had a 60-something woman hold the elevator door because her DH ran back to the room the get the camera. And believe me he "ran"!
  
• We've been awaken at 2:00am by a drunk demanding that "Sheila" let him in because he had lost his key
  
• We've had no use of one pool for an afternoon after another drunk got sick in it.
  

Where are these idiots' "parents"? Let's not have yet another otherwise intellegent discussion about when and how to help our kids grow and mature degenerate into a families should not be cruising thread!

 

 

I am confused about where the idea came from that my post meant that families should not be cruising. I have been cruising with my four kids for quite a few years now. I maintain, however, that there is both a safety issue for our kids and a responsibility issue for us as parents when we cruise. Obviously bad behavior is not limited to kids, but fortunately I am not on the hook for other adults' behavior.

 

I apologize for entering an "otherwise intelligent" discussion with my opinions.

 

Barb

[Maryscooking]

Do you leave your digital camera out on the lounge chair? Of course not, it might walk.

Then why would you leave your elementary school aged kid unattended? amirite? :p

 

I like this analogy! I also like the comparison to the shopping mall that someone else posted above. If you wouldn't let your child go off alone in a shopping mall, why would a cruise ship be any different?

 

Personally, my daughter is four, so I can't speak to what I am doing now - because she is obviously never out of my sight on vacation (save for the kids club).

 

However, I do remember my own behavior at the ages in question. Now, I was a VERY good kid :) as far as my parents knew. Never caused trouble in school, got very high grades, did what I was told, etc. But left alone, I was adventureous to say the least. Probably had too much of my own mind. I know that if I had been only allowed to go get ice cream on the cruise ship, I would have done that - with side trips to the stores, through the casino, internet cafe, and whatever else looked interesting that I thought I could do fast enough to get back in time. I never got caught "being adventureous" growing up, but when I think back on some of the things I did, its lucky I wasn't lost, injured, kidnapped, or worse :eek:.

 

So no, OP, you are definitely not being overprotective.

[Maryscooking]

And let's not forget the other side of the coin regarding unsupervised kids. SOMEONE'S kids are messing with the elevator buttons and running and shouting in the halls on many cruises we've done. Do their parents know what they're up to?

 

This is a good point and pertinent to the discussion.

 

There are children in our town who ride their bikes down the wrong side of a very busy street (45-50 mph traffic), and with no helmets. Probably between the ages of 10-12. They weave in such a way that makes you very nervous driving past them. I always wonder if they promised their parents to only take side streets and follow all traffic rules...

[graceinmelbourne]

It will depend on your kids, and how independant and trustworthy they are. I would allow my child to go to specific places without me...say, we're at the pool, and my child wants to run to the WJ...I'd allow that. I would NOT allow "roaming" for no reason.

 

You know, I grew up when no one "watched" us....we went outside to play after breakfast, and as long as we were home for dinner, all was cool!

Statistics show that children are in no more "danger" today, than they were in the 1950's....the world has NOT gotten more "dangerous" for kids....but adults have gotten a more "heightened sense" of danger....I guess because of the instant news reports we are bombarded with.

The whole point of raising kids is to make them independant, so they can do things on their own, and feel confident in doing that....coddle them too much, watch them all the time, and they never get the chance to 'test their wings', and become confident in their own decision-making powers!

 

I totally agree with you. Even though we live on the other side of the world to you that was my experience also when growing up and parents here are also over protective now due to the heightened sense of danger which is not based on reality. The incidence of the particular crimes we fear have not changed for decades so the fear is generated by exposure to these potential crimes in the media. I know I don't allow my 10 year old to go to the park with her friend by themselves yet when I was her age we were roaming all over the neighbourhood for hours on end.

We walked to school when we were 7 or 8 years of age yet I don't allow my 10 year old to walk or ride to school alone. It is actually safer to ride these days as they wear helmets.

 

As far as cruise ships go I would consider them to be a very safe though not 100% safe environment. On our recent cruise our 10 and 13 year olds did go off on their own sometimes and we had no problem with that. Our 10 year old did go off on her own now and then to get an ice cream or to see who was at the pool but she always told us where she was going ande she was told to come back in a certain amount of time. I would not let an 8 and 6 year old wander around alone though.