My dad just died, advice needed.

[CFD130]

My brother in law died several years ago at age 38. He had lots of issues with divorce, alcohol etc, so it had been a long couple of years for my wife, I and his mother. Several days after the funeral, on the spur of the moment, we took off on a road trip from Maine to Newfoundland for a week. Although I can say we didn't enjoy the trip in the sense one enjoys a vacation, it was nice to get away from our regular surroundings, all of the reminders etc. It was really nice just to enjoy the beauty and just being alone to think and unwind. JMHO

[JFontaine]

My condolences to you and your family.

 

When my dad died, I was basically out of it for almost three months. I went to work, and to most people I appeared fine. But inside I wasn't, although I didn't realize it until the three months had passed, and I came out of that profound grief.

 

If money is tight, you might want to defer until you can more fully enjoy the trip. If on the other hand you have the resources to do this again next year, then there is no harm in going. It might be good not to have to make beds, meals, etc. You can spend quality time away from everyday distractions and heal.

 

All the best to you during these difficult days.

[Libra_Critic]

Hi all. :(

 

My dad passed away this morning, he was in what should have been a fatal car accident 5/25/12, had a traumatic brain injury and they brought him back. He has been in a long term care facility since and has really suffered.

 

Anyway, we leave Sunday on our cruise. We have trip insurance, so we could cancel, but I don't know if I should. We're going to have the memorial service on Saturday, so we can still drive down to Port Canaveral Saturday night.

 

Has anyone ever cruised that soon after losing someone they loved?

 

I'm worried I won't have a good time. WORSE, I'm worried I WILL have a good time, and what kind of daughter would that make me??

 

But I'm trying to think of my husband and kids as well....we have planned and planned and looked forward to this since January. We were going to spend a couple of days at Disney beforehand, but I did go ahead and cancel that.

 

Thoughts welcome. My brother said, "Daddy would want you to go on your trip" and I laughed and said, "No he wouldn't!" :p

 

I just want to do the right thing by everyone, although my husband says I should do the right thing by me. But what me wants to do is just go to bed for several days, so I'm probably not thinking rationally right now.

 

First and foremost, please accept my sympathy for your loss. My condolences to your entire family.

 

When my father died after an extended illness, it was neither sudden or unexpected, but his death was still jarring. The finality of death resonates.

 

As others have stated, everyone deals with grief differently. The feelings can be complicated and confusing. There are no "rules" to guide you, so only you can decide based on what's right for you and your family.

 

After my father died, I still remember being uncannily calm making funeral arrangements. However after the memorial service, burial, and the family gathering, I became a total wreck, consuming a large quantity of Scotch whiskey, and going to sleep. [i most definitely was not in a condition for a long drive from Tennessee to Port Canaveral, then to a cruise ship.]

 

Try as you may, I don't think you will enjoy your cruise next week, as much as you would if it was a couple weeks or months later.

 

Also you didn't mention your mother or siblings other than the brother who doesn't want you to change your plans. I'd say the same thing as your brother, but deep in my heart I'd silently wish that you would stay to comfort us.

[coldweathergirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Just over two years ago my husband and I had a couple of trips planned to get away. One was for just the two of us and the other was a family trip with our 3 grown daughters on a Med cruise with a post cruise extension in Barcelona.

 

Shortly before the trip that my DH and I were to take, my mother in law unexpectedly passed away. We were going to cancel but my mother talked us into going saying that my MIL would have wanted us to go on the trip.

 

After our return, my mother became very ill and within a month also passed away. Our trip to Europe was to leave a few days later. We again thought that we should cancel but then decided that my mother would have wanted us to take the trip plus it would be a great opportunity to spend time with our daughters who were also grieving. They had all literally just completed university final exams for their respective years during the month of the two deaths.

 

We continued with our trip to Europe and although we had many sad moments on the trip, we also had many happy times recalling memories of both parents.

 

In the end you truly have to decide what is right for you but for our family we found that the time away together helped with our healing.

[LindaO]

I so feel your pain and I am so sorry for your loss... My father died, after a long illness, but only a few short months of "bad days" early on a Monday morning. My husband and I were leaving early the next Saturday morning to take a flight to board a cruise ship. His funeral was on Friday... we had dinner and visited with family and friends and about 8pm drove to Orlando to stay overnight at the airport hotel for our cruise. I think it was the best thing I ever did. I didn't go to "forget" or to "get over it" or even because everyone said "he wouldn't want you to change your plans." I went because the sea has a way of helping me heal. I can't say that it was the easiest thing to do... but I felt no guilt and had no regrets. My father was in a much better place... and my life, though changed forever, was moving on. My husband and I had a wonderful cruise... and I have wonderful specific memories of that cruise.

You have to do what you can live with. Ask yourself this question... What will make you feel best? And remember... it is a week... of the rest of your life. Everything will fall into place.

Finally... I know for me... I've never said.. "I regret that cruise" My father had a wonderful sense of humor... and a great love of life... he taught me that living and enjoying was not only acceptable... but he expected it. There is no doubt in my mind that my father was with us on that cruise... well... except when we went to BINGO... he hated BINGO! :)

I hope you find peace... and I wish for you Fair Winds and Following Seas...

[Ladysilver]

So sorry for your loss. If you decide to go ahead and go on your cruise, I hope you have a good time.

[Chicky2181]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Don't feel guilty for having a good time so soon after a major loss. I know if I were in your situation that my mother would be looking down on me And would be happy that I was enjoying myself. As a parent I know that we all truly just want our kids to be happy.

 

However, if your gut is telling you that going away so soon is the wrong thing for you to do, then you should cancel. A least you do have insurance.

 

Always trust your gut.

[matj2000]

You should just go on the trip...

[misty57]

My sympathy for your loss. We took our children on a cruise not long after losing my father unexpectedly. We had vacationed a few months after losing my mother 4 years before that. Our vacations were for our children. They had a wonderful time and still talk about those trips. I can't say that I didn't enjoy getting away with my family, but my heart was still heavy and it was a different kind of vacation. If you decide to go, try to take some time for yourself. It may be just what you need right now. Blessings to you and your family.

[dreadpirate3]

First, sorry for your loss.

 

Second, I think you should proceed with your plans and enjoy your cruise for your father's memory.

[riclop]

Sorry for your loss.

[3badboys]

So sorry for your loss. I know you all have been looking forward to the trip, we are on the same cruise with you. We lost my mother in law a week before a cruise, and I know it was a very hard decision for us, but we did cruise, and had a good time. There were some very hard times, but overall we did enjoy the family time. Make the right decision for your family, and hopefully we will see you on Sunday.

Kim

[reney313]

There are no rules about where or how people mourn for loved ones. .

 

I'm sorry to hear your of your loss.

 

The quote above was exactly what went through my mind when I read your thread.

 

There is no rule on how to mourn or grieve. Please do not feel like you need to "do right by everyone". If it is right by you and your immediate family, than please continue with your plans.

 

When my husband passed away, I remember thinking "I can't do this or do that--it's not appropriate, etc". Then I finally decided no one could tell me how to grieve. I knew what i needed to do for myself, and that's what I did. I'm very happy I did...and one of those things was a short 3 day cruise a few months later. It was very healing for me. Of course, that might not be the same for you...but if your only hesitation is that you feel you won't be doing right by others, that will bother me.

[rere827]

I am very sorry for your loss. As the other posters said only you can make that decision. My dad died on Monday when we were planning on leaving on a cruise on Saturday. He had been taken off dialysis and we knew the end was very near. We put the decision out of our minds until after the funeral on Thursday. After much soul searching we decided to go as that is what my father would have wanted. I slept till 1:00 the first day of the cruise and used the time to recharge myself. I never felt it was the wrong decision because I know I was with my dad when it was most important. I hope you find peace in your decision.

 

Marie

[quiltingdiva]

Hi,

DH and I are on the same cruise. I saw the post about your father's passing on the roll call board. You and your family are in my prayers, and I sincerely hope that you find peace with this difficult decision. You know what to do already-just wait a day or two and you'll know for sure what is best for you and your family.

 

Take care,

[TNIris]

Thank you all so much for your posts. M

You really ARE a great group of folks, you know that?!?

 

We've decided to go on the trip....we both have the week off, and the kids are on Fall Break, and I just can't see being at home next week with 2 kids who we're looking forward to this.

 

Sigh. Was blessed to have an extra 18 months with him, which most people don't get.

[DD]

So very sorry for your loss.

 

I agree with the above posters. Please go and try to enjoy yourself. I cannot imagine that a loving father would have wanted any less for his daughter.

 

Sometimes it's easier to deal with grief and loss when you're away...time and space to process, to reflect, and to regroup.

[bonsai3s]

...and sympathy for your loss.

It has been many years for us, but we had the same situation. It was only after speaking to our relatives and getting their encouragement, that we were able to decide...and go. It was difficult. Ultimately, only you and your family can make this decision.

I personally don't have much memory of the cruise, the countries we visited, the shore excursions we took, and the ship. The photos from that cruise is perhaps only a reminder of my dad's passing. I miss him dearly.

[abridalmaven]

Our son Died in Sept of 2011. We thought of canceling our cruise for the following January. I know some don't believe in this stuff but our sim sent us a very clear sign that he wanted us to go. And we did and we're glad we did.

Life is for the living. Will you be sad?? Yes but at home or at sea makes no difference.

My husband is undergoing chemo for Chronic lympathic leukemia. I had a party scheduled for next month. I am not cancel king it nor an I canceling our cruise for next summer.

We look at it this way, life is so short. We have to savor whatever moments we can.

 

 

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[bbrady413]

Go and enjoy yourself. Make it a celebration of his life. I'm sure that is what he would have wanted for you to do. I do have some experience in this matter. When I was taking my first cruise when I was 15, my grandpa had died a couple weeks before we were to leave. It was no good, but the family decided to go anyways. We had an enjoyable time, and laughed and reminisced about the good times we had with my grandpa. It was very memorable, and exactly the way he would've wanted it.

 

Go. Don't force yourself to have a smile, but don't force a frown either. Just relax and enjoy. Life goes on. There is no set amount of time for mourning, and unfortunately no set amount of time for life either, so enjoy it while its here.

[ksacer]

I saw your post yesterday and I found myself spending the day thinking about your position. I'm not normally the kind of person who gives advice on these type of matters but...here is my heart felt opinion. When I put myself in your fathers position, a parents position.............as a parent, we never want to cause our children pain. Obviously, we can not leave this world without causing our loved ones pain. If i were to leave this world, I think I would be very happy if upon leaving my funeral, my loved ones would go on a vacation and share stories about me. If they spent time talking about me, remembering me, I would feel very special and honored. Go on your vacation. Take care of your family. Remember your father.

[Gilgo Surfer]

Thank you all so much for your posts. M

You really ARE a great group of folks, you know that?!?

 

We've decided to go on the trip....we both have the week off, and the kids are on Fall Break, and I just can't see being at home next week with 2 kids who we're looking forward to this.

 

Sigh. Was blessed to have an extra 18 months with him, which most people don't get.

 

I'm glad you decided to go. Your dad will be there with you.:)

[COMBOY]

Thank you all so much for your posts. M

You really ARE a great group of folks, you know that?!?

 

We've decided to go on the trip....we both have the week off, and the kids are on Fall Break, and I just can't see being at home next week with 2 kids who we're looking forward to this.

 

Sigh. Was blessed to have an extra 18 months with him, which most people don't get.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Maybe when you get onboard the ship you and your family can put together some special time together to celebrity the life of your dad. Not only can it be a time to grieve as well as let go. Sometimes we might feel guilty engaging in a fun thing like a cruise but it can also be a good time to reconnect with your family outside of your regular routine and surrounding. Life is very precious. Ultimately we have to move on and continue to live. The pain of loss never really goes away, but over time it does get better. I think a cruise would be a good thing. Glad you decided to go.

[sideways2]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

 

I don't know what kind of quality of life you dad had since May but it sounds as if both he and your family have been suffering for a long time. Perhaps the thought of this family vacation was the only bright spot for your family in the past four months. I say take the cruise and if you have fun, it's perfectly OK. You need to heal; so does your family.

 

Prayers and hugs to you all.

[emmad1973]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We each deal with grief differently so I can only tell you what I would do if it was me and share my experience of when my dad passed away. My dad died 5 days before Christmas from lung cancer that he had been dying from for about 6 months (so it was not unexpected) At the time my kids were 4,5 and 6 so Christmas was a big deal. My mum and I sat up late into the night and discussed our options, neither of us really wanted to do Christmas - we weren't ready as all of our time had been taken up spending time with my dad and actually the last thing on our minds had been turkey and presents. We came to the conclusion that we had to do the best we could to make it a happy day for the kids and for us - we pushed on and made it happen (I decorated the tree at around 2.00am Christmas Day morning and finally got the presents wrapped by about 4.00am). All I can tell you is that I am so glad we did it - the kids have fond memories of that Christmas, we made it as special as we could.

 

If we had a cruise booked, would I have gone on it? Absolutely yes - time away to process things is a good thing. That said there is no right answer to your question. You will probably at some point feel guilty for going, you will definitely feel guilty for not going and that your husband and kid missed out.

 

Emma

 

 

 

 

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