Cruising With A 20 year old "child"

[GolfMom321]

I was all signed up for a cruise next month with my kids, DS19 and DD20. Me in one cabin, them in the other. Final payment made, ready to rock--and now DD can't come due to college schedule constraints. :mad:

 

DD is 20 on the calendar, but she's really more like 14, if that. Her social judgement is at an elementary school level. She reads on a 4th grade level. Developmental delays, language based learning disability, epilepsy (thank God, seizure free for several years on meds), she's been in self contained special ed since middle school. She is currently in her 6th year of HS, in a work training program, and doing well.

 

OK, so now I have a double room for just DD, it's the same as I would have had for the 2 kids. DD assures me she will be ok alone in the cabin, I'm right next door (not connecting, unfortunately), and I will just have to go over to her room when she showers.

 

But how much independence do I give her on the ship? When her brother was going, I was going to let them go TOGETHER whereever they wanted, as I've done in the past. But I can't let her do that alone. She is overly trusting and naive, and as I said, social judgement is lacking.

 

We will have unlimited WiFi (love that VOOM internet!), so she will be able to be in touch with me at any time. I'm thinking that if she wants to go somewhere on her own (up to the buffet for a snack, back to the cabin for a nap, etc.), she could tell me where she is going, and message me when she gets there. And not to leave one place without telling me. Of course the usual "No one comes in your cabin unless I'm there, and you don't go in anyone's cabin, ever, No matter what".

 

I don't want to be a helicopter mom. She is very likely going off to a college program next year or the year after, and she will certainly have more independence then. But I'm nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs!!

 

Any suggestions, tips, etc. would be greatly appreciated. If you've walked in my shoes, please tell me what path you took!!

 

Thanks!

Edited February 25, 2016 by GolfMom321

[Ashland]

Any possibility of a friend or other family her age that could take your DS's place ? Or make this a cruise for just the two of you and share a cabin ?

[GolfMom321]

Any possibility of a friend or other family her age that could take your DS's place ? Or make this a cruise for just the two of you and share a cabin ?

 

Thought about both of these. No one who she would want to go along is free that week. And we've already paid for 2 cabins, so we may as well use them both. I'm really not worried about her being in the cabin alone. It's being out around the ship alone...

[A&Jfamily]

I know you are worried but no one here is going to have a true understanding of her abilities. My 9 year old is very mature and responsible so he has had sign out privileges and thus the run of the ship with one simple rule - don't do anything you wouldn't do with mom watching. But he's an easy kid and a rule follower by nature. IMHO if she is going to be going to college soon, a cruise ship is a pretty safe place to spread ur wings a bit with some good solid rules in place. But you are the parent and need to use your best judgment.

[GolfMom321]

I know you are worried but no one here is going to have a true understanding of her abilities. My 9 year old is very mature and responsible so he has had sign out privileges and thus the run of the ship with one simple rule - don't do anything you wouldn't do with mom watching. But he's an easy kid and a rule follower by nature. IMHO if she is going to be going to college soon, a cruise ship is a pretty safe place to spread ur wings a bit with some good solid rules in place. But you are the parent and need to use your best judgment.

 

Thanks. Guess I just need someone to talk me off a ledge. She's been very sheltered (out of necessity) until the past 2 years when I've let her have more independence with her brother. But with him not there...

[cb at sea]

The entire point of "parenting" is to allow your children independence...that's the aim...getting them out on their own. That might not happen totally with your child...but you need to allow her to spread her wings. Don't hover....but keep an eye on things!

[Kerry's Girls]

Thank goodness for unlimited wifi! I'm all about giving my 11 year old special needs child as much independence as possible, and cruises are a great place to do that (she once couldn't find us again after going to the buffet for food - I was frantic when too much time passed, but she had just given up and found herself a table and was eating her meal). But I know there will be a different element to consider when boys know she's over 18, but she won't have the maturity yet to make those choices - and especially because the staff can be a bit aggressive about the woo-ing of young adults. I think your plan is a sound one that she contacts you when she's moving one place to another and when she arrives. I would also want a rule that she must always answer your call (or even better, Facetime) immediately.

 

I also repeat "what ifs" when my daughter is going off to camp, etc. so she's rehearsed how to deal with situations and is ready with her lines "No", "No, I'm not allowed", and if she's uncomfortable in any situation to always just say, "I don't feel well, I'm going to call my mom" so she can remove herself.

 

Have a great time!

 

Best,

Mia

[GolfMom321]

Thank goodness for unlimited wifi! I'm all about giving my 11 year old special needs child as much independence as possible' date=' and cruises are a great place to do that (she once couldn't find us again after going to the buffet for food - I was frantic when too much time passed, but she had just given up and found herself a table and was eating her meal). But I know there will be a different element to consider when boys know she's over 18, but she won't have the maturity yet to make those choices - and especially because the staff can be a bit aggressive about the woo-ing of young adults. I think your plan is a sound one that she contacts you when she's moving one place to another and when she arrives. I would also want a rule that she must always answer your call (or even better, Facetime) immediately.

 

I also repeat "what ifs" when my daughter is going off to camp, etc. so she's rehearsed how to deal with situations and is ready with her lines "No", "No, I'm not allowed", and if she's uncomfortable in any situation to always just say, "I don't feel well, I'm going to call my mom" so she can remove herself.

 

Have a great time!

 

Best,

Mia[/quote']

 

Mia, thank you so much for this. I know I have to "let go", and just trust that she remembers at least SOME of what I've tried to teach her all these years. And you're right, a cruise is a good opportunity to "spread her wings". Thankfully, she looks about 13-14, so most people will think she's that age, not 20.

[Californiacruizers]

I’m torn on this topic. We sailed on NCL last year. My son was 12 at the time. I allowed him sign-in/sign-out privileges as well. He is generally a very good kid. Follows rules and can be trusted. He was allowed to go to the buffets alone and anywhere around the ship really. I would simply give him a time and place to meet me, we never had any issues.

 

About 6-8 months after the cruise were sitting in a barbershop in our home town and a news show similar to 20/20 comes on. The show was about people (kids included) being sexually assaulted on cruise ships. It even featured a report about an incident on a Disney Cruise Ship involving a little girl in an elevator of all places; complete with video of the actual assault by a crew member. At that moment my heart sank. I felt so naïve. All the “What If’s “played over and over in my mind.

 

I too am trying to decide how much freedom to give my son on our next cruise, since seeing that show. I want him to be able to enjoy himself, but I am worried about the unknown.

 

Given what you have said about your daughter I think you will be fine in the cabin next door. I would grant her small increments of freedom like maybe going to a show alone and coming back within an hour or so. I would not allow her to go alone for hours at a time rather small windows of time.

 

No need for flames please. Just my experience and opinion.

[A&Jfamily]

Californiacruiser- as a parent myself who works in law enforcement and has seen things most people couldn't imagine, I know it is scary when you see those 20-20 type shows. But as parents what we need to remind ourselves is that those things can happen anywhere - school, bathroom in any store, church group etc. And those things can also happen to our "children" when they are young adults. The best gift we can give our kids is to not shield them but rather teach them, just as Mia has done. It's so hard to let them have some independence but it is healthier in the long run. I am currently trying to help a friend of my son's who is about to turn 18 and her parents have her so sheltered and paranoid because the track her every move, constantly read her phone and won't even give her personal privacy in the bathroom! It's all about balance and trying to calm our fears because we can't be there and wrap them in a bubble 24/7.

[onthelake]

You have a lot going for you in this situation. You are a frequent cruiser so you know what your daughter enjoys and she will, basically, be in more or less familiar surroundings. On port days, you will be together, eat together and probably go to a show together. So it is only days at sea that are in question. You know if she is a sit by the pool type or a browse the ships and people watch type or one who wants to participate in all the activities. You can judge her actions and your comfort level on the first day and go from there. She may show more maturity than you spect or may be clingy without her brother as a support system. It will work out find. I think your constant contact plan is great. Have a wonderful time together.

[MaShesLookinOutMyWindow]

Having worked as a social worker, mostly with individuals with various developmental disabilities, all I can say is that you know your daughter best. If you're ready to let her go off to college, the cruise is a great way for her to prove she's ready for that. If she's the type to always follow the rules, and you've never had problems with her interactions with strangers, I say you sit her down and explain that you're going to trust her until she gives you a reason not to. Start off with an hour or two on her own with a designated meetup place/time. The more times she goes along with the planned meeting time/place, the more relaxed you will feel.

 

To be honest, though, I'd call Carnival and explain the situation. See if they'll refund the second room so she can stay with you, or if they can move you to an adjoining room. It never hurts to ask. I'd also ask if they have a map of the ship she can keep in her purse where you can mark your room and the major places she might enjoy (pool, MDR, coffee bar, etc.)

 

Best of luck to you! I know the feeling of being unsure of letting go - we're struggling with that as my daughter hits the tween years. It's a mom thing. I'm sure your daughter will be fine.

[GolfMom321]

Just got off the 3 day on Anthem. She did very well. Since her brother was being an uncooperative PITA, she ended up going places on her own. She would message me, ask where I was, say "I'm coming" and meet me where I was. It worked perfectly, and we were both very happy. So I suspect she will do just fine on Allure.

[gymbomb]

So glad to hear she did well! I am sure that will give both of you more confidence for next time.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk