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(Funny?) 2009 Cruise News Predictions

robsvacation

By robsvacation,
in Norwegian Cruise Line

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robsvacation

robsvacation

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Everyone

 

Not content with the groans and eye-rolling my predictions caused last year, I give you my predictions for the more interesting cruise news stories we will see in 2009. Consider yourself warned, but feel free to add your own!

 

Last Years predictions can be found here:

Cruise New Predictions 2008

 

Let the groaning begin!

 

2009 Cruise News in Review: Robsvacation Provides His List of this Year's More Interesting Stories

 

You Really Can Have Too Much Fun

The largest Carnival ship to date, the Carnival Extreme, had to be dislodged from the inlet to Port Everglades today after becoming stuck at the end of her maiden transatlantic voyage. While the investigation is ongoing, early reports are that a metric rounding error made by the European ship builders means that the vessel, originally designed to be 2 feet narrower than the channel, is actually too large to fit. Officials at the Hans Dryer Yards in Germany released a statement simply stating “Oops.”

 

Until the opening to the harbor is widened, Carnival has pressed an older ship into service to help solve their Extreme dilemma. The soon to be re-christened Carnival Tender Splendor has been modified to shuttle passengers ashore and will be attached to the stern of the new ship using a nano-engineered, composite-based articulated connector, more commonly referred to as “really strong rope.”

 

Lost in Translation

NCL Press Release, April 1, 2009

NCL Cruise Lines is proud to be at the forefront of worldwide trends, be it getting rid of straight walls, giving all public rooms one-word uber-names like the “Blitzed” lounge and “Knead” Spa, or our newly re-designed staterooms which have open showers stylishly located in the middle of the room. To that end, NCL is pleased to announce that all newsletters, menus, signage and documentation will now be provided primarily in chat/SMS shorthand:

 

UzN txt msgs means < ppr n hlps attact a yungA crowd. All d kdz r doiN it, so it must B trendy. Cruzin duznt hav 2 B old n stuffy. Cruz NCL, d L8est, hippest cruz line arnd! :-)

 

All staff will be outfitted with mobile fones so that passengers can txt msg requests without the inconvenience of talking or having to experience human contact. Similar to how NCL accommodates other foreign languages, a limited number of newsletters and menus will be provided in old English complete with vowels, full sentences and punctuation.

 

Tel ur BFF 2 cruz w/ NCL!

 

That’s Entertainment?

A joint civil suit was filed today by the Association of Broadway Theaters and Las Vegas Visitors Association against the parent companies of the major cruise lines claiming damages from false advertisement and exaggeration. At the heart of the suit is the cruise lines ubiquitous use of the terms “Vegas Style Shows”, “Las Vegas Style Casinos” and “Broadway Style Shows.”

 

“Have these people even been to Vegas in say, oh, the last 15 years?” quipped the visibly upset representative from Las Vegas. “We have some of the most talented and exciting artists performing on the most elaborate stages ever created. The cruise industry would have you think 6 people doing a song and dance number on a turn-table is all we have to offer!”

 

The representative from Oasis Resorts, one of the largest players in the gaming industry, was similarly miffed. “I suppose ‘Atlantic City casino in the 80’s’, while more to the point, doesn’t quite have the same marketing impact”

 

A frustrated Broadway producer commented: “Those ‘Best or Broadway‘ reviews? Just don‘t get me started!”

 

Sally Nomer of the Association of Cruise Line Entertainers was on hand to speak for the cruise industry. Ms. Nomer defended the industry stating that “the entertainment as good as Vegas or Broadway, except for some the skits by the cruise directors. Someone really needs to burn that list of ‘the 10 dumbest questions ever asked on a cruise ship’”

 

Mechanical Faux Pas, Part Deux

Celebrity Cruise Line’s Plummet will remain in drydock at the Laissez Faire Yards in France due to an ongoing dispute over the ship’s malfunctioning azipod propulsion units. Late last week Celebrity officials were called to yard by the ship’s captain who was unsatisfied with state of the ongoing repairs. On arrival, representatives of the line were shocked to find what appeared to be 4 tugboats duct-taped to the sides of the hull.

 

“Puh!” responded representatives from the French shipbuilder. “It will werk! We will paint zee tugs the same coolare as zee hull. It will be, how do you say, Magnifique!”

 

Unconvinced, Celebrity is demanding a better engineered solution to the problem. This follows a similar dispute with Cunard who’s liner the QM2 is currently sailing with 70 Evinrude outboard motors fixed to her stern until a permanent solution can be found.

 

Lost at Sea

Royal Caribbean has announced a new program to assist guests onboard the new Metropolis of the Seas. It seems the shear size of the vessel results in passengers becoming lost and disoriented, and unable to find their cabins guests have resorted to sleeping in deck chairs and showering in the fountains of the Aqua-Theater.

 

“It’s been three days!” sobbed one female passenger. “Every time I ask staff for directions they say ‘it’s so easy, you’re just in the wrong neighborhood.’ It’s a ship, how the heck am I in the wrong neighborhood? I don’t get it! I just want my bed and room service! Is that so much to ask?”

 

A disheveled young man stopped us and asked what day is was. “ I was suppose to debark on Saturday but I’ve lost track of time. I went looking for my friends days ago and ended up here. I’m afraid to go back inside that maze so I’ve been sleeping behind the bar. Since I can’t find the Coney Island Neighborhood where the nearest food is, the kind staff have been sneaking me peanuts. Next port I’m swimming for shore, what do I have to lose?”

 

New Outreach Centers will be located in now-vacant storefronts (victims of the economic down-turn) in each of the ship-board neighborhoods. Wayward quests will be given food, a warm shower, and a clean RCCL logo tee-shirt. Passengers will then be escorted back to their cabins by Sherpa crew members and given a GPS-inspired device to help them navigate for the remainder of their cruise. The program is free of charge except between the hours of 12AM to 5AM when a $3.95 service fee will apply.

 

Cruise to (Almost) Nowhere

In a press release responding to complaints that a recent itinerary change is in actuality a cost cutting measure, Econo-Sea Cruise Lines defends the modifications and states that the new itinerary on the MS Take is a fair replacement for the original Eastern Caribbean route to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten:

 

“Our Miami-Fort Lauderdale-West Palm Beach itinerary provides guests a stunning array of ports. Combined with extra days at sea, our new itinerary is simply one-of-a-kind and saves passengers at least an hour of driving.”

 

Rounding out the itinerary is Econo-Sea’s exclusive port of call, the new Slavobian Embassy at the end of the Miami Pier. Counting as a foreign soil, this both satisfies the requirements of the Passenger Services Act and allows guests to experience a new culture, with the ambassador and staff providing pier-side entertainment including a performance of the traditional “Chic-Hong Dantz.”

 

Voted off the Private Island

In yet another incident on RCCL’s private island Loco Cay, the Bahamian Martine Police were called in when the Audacity of the Seas arrived to find what appeared to be two warring factions attacking each other. Apparently two days prior the Consternation of the Seas left 20 people behind who became lost on a jogging tour lead by a Steiner’s fitness instructor. Without food or shelter, conditions quickly deteriorated.

 

“It was like Lord of the Flies meets Survivor” reported one of the abandoned guests. “One minute we were working together, the next some guy with berries smeared on his face is on the roof of the outhouse shouting something about an alliance. It all went downhill from there”

 

A freshman from Betterthan University and member of the Delta-Upsilon-Mu Sorority headed up one of the “tribes” and relayed her side of the story:

 

“So like I went to get a water noodle and they were all “that’s our side of the island” and I was all ‘Ever! and I grabbed the noodle and they were all “oh no you did’ant” and I was all “WHATEVER!” and then the Emo guy with the berries on his face is all comin’ at me and I was all…

…hey… is that something shiny?”

 

Members of the other side lay the blame on the Betterthan U Tribe: “We got up at 6AM only to find books and towels saving all the loungers on the beach. At that point is was GAME ON!”

 

Injuries were minor. Once onboard the Audacity the abandoned passengers and staff were given medical care and shipboard credit. The Steiner’s employee is rumored to have used his funds for a facial to remove berry stains.

 

Musical Ships

Carnival Corporation announced a series of ship redeployments today as part of their fleet-wide upgrade program.

 

“It’s really quite simple” reported vice president of operations, Mr. D. Z. Headspin. “The Carnival Pride will move over to Costa to become the Costa Stupendous. The Costa Concordia will move to P&O to become the Primm, joining the P&O Proper which was formerly known as the Artemis. P&O Oceana will move over to Princess to become the Tanzanite Princess, freeing-up the Sea Princess to move to P&O where she will become the Imperialist. Costa’s existing expansion plans will go ahead with the previously announced HAL newbuild Maadam, which had been reassigned to P&O as the Civility, now being launched as the Costa Espresso, joining sister ships the Serena, Pacifica and the still under construction Cappuccino. Costa Mediterranea will be transferred to our parent line where she will become the Carnival Invasion, and finally a new HAL ship based on the Concordia Class design, the Whoo’vairdam, will set sail in 2011. Naturally we‘ll change all the carpets, add premium bedding and redecorate. Any questions?”

 

After an extended period of silence a reporter at the back of the room noted that in the end the cruise lines would just end up with ships having exactly the same design as those previously planned. At that point Mr. Headspin looked at his notes, swore under his breath and stormed out of the room.

 

Clean Ship

Cruisers on the Carnival Exultation are in for a more subtle experience after the ship was featured on a home makeover show when the crew wrote in pleading for an update.

 

“When I got onboard all I could think is Baby, this ship is a HOT MESS!” said the show’s host Weezy Clash. “It was like the worst of the 70’s foolishness EXPLODED on the walls! I’ve never seen such decorating mayhem! I thought to myself ain’t no WAY we’re making any money at the yard sale getting rid of this stuff! Then some designer from Norwegian Cruise Lines came over and bought everything that was velvet or had an animal print, saving the day.”

 

Ship’s designer Joe Farcus was visibly shaken as he wandered the public rooms now done up in serene hues and warm wood-tones without any neon to be found.

 

In a related story the Seaborne Pride is entering in dry-dock to have the last of the chrome removed after that ship was featured on an episode of “Trick my Ship.” A company spokesman noted that “while we always encourage our crews to keep an eye out for ways to improve our ships, hull-side flames were simply not in keeping with the Seaborne brand.” A teenaged passenger disagreed saying: “That Seaborne ship was sick!” (editor’s note: apparently that is a good thing)

 

 

Where are the cup holders?

In an interesting announcement this week, Celebrity Cruise lines has officially launched a new educational program onboard the MS Cosmos. While the Lawn Club was as well received on this ship as it was on her sister vessels, it was the odd fascination among some of the male guests with the accompanying 312 horsepower, turbo-charged, bio-fueled riding mower that came as a surprise to management.

 

In response to repeated requests, Celebrity is launching in the Mow Power Program where guests will be able to give the mega mower a spin under the watchful eye of the grounds crew. Participants will also get an opportunity to use the 480 volt electric weed-whacker as well as the tractor-mounted super leaf blower rated at 500 pounds of thrust (enough to be considered a small jet engine)

 

Parent company RCCL has taken note, and the Zamboni Driver for a Day program is expected to launch later this year on the new Mirage of the Seas.

 

 

Like Sleeping on a Cloud

A recent passenger on Costa Cruise Lines newest ship the Costa Sardinia is demanding a full refund of her cruise fare after reporting that the ship’s newly upgraded bedding was impossibly uncomfortable for her. “It was like there was a knife in my back for the whole week!”

 

The Costa Fantastica Sleep System was specially developed for the cruise line. It starts with an extra firm, self balancing foundation that accounts for the rolling motion of the ship, followed by a 10,000 coil, ultra-thick, Euro-top adjustable firmness mattress made from natural latex and reclaimed steel. The mattress is followed with a 6 inch memory foam topper which in turn is covered with a special breathable layer the keep the mattress cool. On top of this goes a feather bed which in turn is covered by a synthetic layer that prevents allergies and scares away dust mites. The sheeting is a 3000 count Egyptian cotton and silk blend, the covers are a tri-layer, allergy-free, down-alternative duvet. A Merino Wool throw can be found at the foot of the bed, and passengers are given an appointment with a the pillow concierge to help in choosing from the 67 varies of pillows on offer. It is rumored the beds take room stewards 27 minutes to make up and 10 minutes to turn down. A 4 foot ladder is supplied in order to climb into the bed.

 

Twin beds can be made up as a queen on request.

 

In the case of the Costa passenger, disassembly of bed reveled a stone the size of a pea at the base of the foundation. The passenger went on to say that this proved what her daddy had always told her: she is a little princess!

 

 

Pirates of the North Pacific

Pirates will think twice about boarding a cruise ship after the incident today on the Alsaka bound HAL ship Isle’beedam. The 9PM attach went relatively unchallenged as many of the passengers were already asleep. Passengers awoke to find a note inserted in their daily newletters informing them that pirates had taken over the ship and that dinner service would be delayed until 7:30PM. Faced with the possibility of missing early seating dinner, outraged passenger Mavis Johnson of West Palm Beach Florida went to see the leader of the boarding party. Unbeknownst to the pirate leader, underneath the tennis balls of Mavis’ walker were lethal, sharpened points. In a statement to officials, Mrs. Johnson noted that the young man was tremendously rude and as such she dealt with him in a stern manner. While several pirates were picked up by Canadian officials trying to flee in a tender, the ring-leaders have yet to be located. Interviews with passengers have been hampered by a preponderance of hearing difficulties with most passengers telling officials to “Speak up, sonny!” and “I just can’t understand your gosh darn slang!” While two of the passengers were found with suspicious, torn and damaged eye-patches hidden in their luggage, both claimed they were souvenirs purchased in Victoria, BC.

 

The early seating was not delayed despite the continuing investigation.

 

Getting There is Far Less Than Half the Fun

At this years Seatrade conference in Miami, cruise lines unveiled a variety of responses to the continued cutbacks in the airline industry.

 

Celestial Cruise Lines has teamed with educational partner Universe@C to develop a new travel option called Edu-Link. Passengers will now be effortless whisked straight to their ship utilizing off-duty school buses. Company officials noted that “school buses have more leg room than today’s airplanes, there’s lots of space in the back for free baggage and we don‘t have the TSA tackling passengers for the lip-balm they forget to put in their ziplock bag.” From select cities guests can take advantage of Celestial’s new express service, ShortBus, which uses smaller, more intimate vehicles.

 

Princess Cruise Lines’ answer to the airline conundrum is their new High Sea Service. The previously announced new-build the Amethyst Princess will instead be launched as the Ferry Princess and will operate shuttle service from 14 coastal cities. A press release notes that “while travel times will be 1 to 3 days depending on the departure city, passengers are frequently delayed that long by the airlines anyways.”

 

Finally, Ostentation Cruise Lines has launched Pod2C where quests have a Luxury Travel Pod delivered right to their homes. Passengers need only place their baggage and themselves into the pod and wait to be picked up by Ostentation’s travel partner, UPS. “At first I thought I would be treated like baggage” reported Pod2C customer Ivana Drinko-Devay. “Turns that courier freight is treated better than airline passengers.”

 

Airlines refused to comment until payment of the new $25 press comment fee is received.

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BooBooMonkey

BooBooMonkey

Posted
Posted
Everyone

 

Not content with the groans and eye-rolling my predictions caused last year, I give you my predictions for the more interesting cruise news stories we will see in 2009. Consider yourself warned, but feel free to add your own!

 

Last Years predictions can be found here:

Cruise New Predictions 2008

 

Let the groaning begin!

 

OMG! That was the funniest post I've seen in ages! Thanks for the laughs!

 

Boo

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crew mom

crew mom

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Funny! That was great reading. I especially liked "Musical ships" and in "Clean Ships" - "Then some designer from Norwegian Cruise Lines came over and bought everything that was velvet or had an animal print, saving the day.”"

 

Also, derf, the Carnival Extreme pic was priceless!

 

Thanks for the laugh once again!

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robsvacation

robsvacation

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I just wanted to thank everyone for the kind messages for past two years of

'"predictions" and especially the CC'rs who posted their own stories and suggestions, some of those ides helped to create this year's list. Seems the ship names were a big hit (JT1120, you still out there? Musical ships was in part inspired by you and it's one of my favorites) My podcast friends Patricia and Michael continue to prod me to keep this up and frankly it is a fun thing to do.

 

So if you read this and like it just drop a short reply to keep it in the running for a while longer, would like to get as many readers to review the story before it fades into the archives.

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SeaShark

SeaShark

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Without a doubt, one of the funniest things I've read in a looooooooooong time!:D

 

Thanks so much for writing and sharing your "predictions". You have a real gift for satire!

 

 

Thank you..thank you..thank you!

 

 

R:DTFLMA:D

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hazeleyes

hazeleyes

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And I thought last years were great.

 

2009 is by far the funniest yet. My favorite is Voted off the Private Island im a Survivor fan and this was one that reminded me of my favorite show.

 

Cant wait to read next years predictions.

 

You should be a comedian on the cruise ships!

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