REVIEW 2d International COUGARS Group cruise - Mariner OTS May16 Mexican Riviera

[greydog]

DEDICATION: After favorable comments on several of my past cruise reviews, I dedicate this Mariner review to be at least as worthwhile as Geraldo’s opening of Al Capone’s secret basement room. I know that’s a high bar, but I expected that the presence onboard of some 300 ‘cougars’ associated with the Second International Cougars’ Cruise would be newsworthy because some of the cougar slogans, e.g. Mae West: “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” and “I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.”

Indeed, I had formed a mental image of cougars that conflicted with the old-fashioned song “Your lips tell me no-no but there’s yes-yes in your eyes.” Instead for cougars it’s “here a yes-yes, there a yes-yes, everywhere a yes-yes.”

 

BACKGROUND: Since 1999, we have completed about two dozen cruises between Royal Caribbean and Celebrity. Our best cruise has been on Cunard’s Queen Mary 2, which is like staying at the Ritz Carlton as far as onboard furnishings. We also have a few trips between Princess, Holland and Azamara. I guess we adhere to the adage “Those never venturing to try many different things will miss out on many of life’s disappointments.”

 

EMBARKATION: Wife and I boarded quickly around noon in San Pedro. Distance to the pier is 15 miles ($44 taxi) from Long Beach airport, 25 miles from LAX ($70). RCL offered transfers at $25 pp but only to LAX. Security was aggressively checking for and confiscating packed alcoholic beverages. Rooms weren’t accessible until 1pm and our checked bag arrived around 7pm.

 

CABIN: We had highly desirable Cabin 1690 on deck 10 aft, which sported a mega-veranda 10 ft wide by 13 ft deep outfitted with two chaises, three regular chairs and a 30-inch-top pedestal table. The veranda was half sheltered by the deck above, providing sun/shade option, but the outer sections of verandas below us were visible. On a couple days we noticed a lot of laundry clipped out to dry on the veranda railing below us – seems odd spending around $2000 for a cabin and then saving $25 in laundry charges.

 

The safety drill was at 4:30pm and pax were instructed to leave their life jackets in their cabin – our assembly area was on the Promenade deck by the boat, not in any assembly lounge.

 

I knew from postings before the cruise that this cougar group would be onboard – Carnival had turned their group down after having hosted the First International Cougar Cruise on Elation Dec 4-7, 2009. I had dutifully alerted my wife, who immediately sent my leash out for extra shortening. For my part, as a precaution, I left home my logo briefs bearing the motto “Too big to fail”.

 

It seemed ironic in Mariner’s ice skating rink to see a large wall decoration that read “Time may be a healer, but it is no beautician.” Seems this could have been covered over during this cougar cruise, in that my research indicates that the stereo-typical cougar is 40+. I learned that their 20-something male companions were nicknamed ‘cubs’ and that cougars sought out six-pack abbs. Even though I’m older I feared my own six-pack abbs made me a target. I was relieved after further research clarified that the sought after abbs should look like a six pack, not made by six packs.

 

CRUISE CRITIC CONNECTIONS SOCIAL: Held late morning the first day at sea in Ellingtons lounge. About two dozen attended but it seemed the meeting area was already being used by some other pax. This venue was not small and segregated enough to encourage interaction and mingling. There were a couple lame door prizes and no around-the-room introductions. Much better venue on Celebrity when the intimate Michael's Lounge is reserved for the party.

 

FOOD/DINING: We had early 6pm seating at an assigned table for two in the lower floor of the three level main dining room. The second night we ate in the $20 pp surcharge Portofino specialty restaurant. I’d rate this meal a 7-8 on 10 scale although I rated prior Portofino meals on other ships at 8-9.

 

The last night we ate at $25 pp surcharge Chops specialty restaurant and I’d rate this meal at 9. Chops offers a 7 or 10 ounce filet mignon (also strip, ribeye, etc) – our 10 ouncers were cooked right and flavorful with the choice of adding peppercorn, chimichurri, wine reduction or béarnaise sauce. After that savory filet I could empathize with Dangerfield’s quip: “I'm at an age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

 

Meals in the main dining room included an uninspiring chicken marsala due to a bland mushroom sauce. Rack of lamb was very good, offered either medium rare or medium well. My small lobster tail on the last formal night was tender and flavorful while my wife’s was mediocre. Most nights had a pasta entrée choice, vegan selection, and a meatless Asian dish.

 

The night they offered ‘shoulder steak’ on the main dining room menu, I ordered the 10-ounce filet mignon from Chops for the $14.95 upcharge. Wine by the glass was usually $7-10 for the house standards. The 25-ounce Foster’s ‘oil can’ beer was $8 ($6.50 on Princess cruise line). Draught beer choices were only Heineken, Amstel, and Murphy’s Stout at $6. Cuervo Gold margarita was $6, house $5.25.

 

Now while on the subject of liquor, I wondered how the cougar group might affect onboard late-night alcohol sales, given the prospect of frequent “You better buy me another beer ‘cause you’re still ugly.” It’s likely that sentiment accounts for the country song lyric “I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve woken up with a few.” Maybe an updated new country song should be “Babies, don’t let your mamas grow up to be cougars.” The cougar anthem could be Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls just want to have fun.”

 

The main dining room dress policy was ‘elegant casual’, no shorts. However, there were about 5-10% wearing shorts each night and even a couple baseball caps worn throughout the meal. I suspect the lower cruise prices and sailing from Los Angeles attracted a lot of the ‘easy living’ population.

 

We ate in the Lido buffet for breakfast and light lunches. The food covered the basics and was less interesting and tasty than on our recent Crown Princess trip. I tried the pizza slices a couple times – it was much better on Celebrity and Princess. On Princess they offer a 15-cup espresso/latte card for $24. Didn’t see anything similar on Mariner. Mariner did have a Ben-Jerry’s counter where 4 golf ball-size scoops cost $4.

 

Other pre-cruise research on cougars included a quick-look cougar family tree. Queen Elizabeth 1’s Essex was 20+ years her junior. Noteworthy recent cougars include Mae West ( “When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.” ), Gabor sisters, Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate), Ivana T., Demi M., Joan Collins and an unexpected tree offshoot of Rock Hudson. Ladies, if you feel you may be related to the cougar line, you can sign up for the 3rd International Cougar Cruise scheduled for Dec. 3-6, 2010 on Norwegian Sky from Miami.

 

It occurred to me that Royal Caribbean might face a tricky customer relations problem if, like Carnival, they preferred to not host future cougar groups. Here’s one tactful approach – the idea stems from the famous annual Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest in Key West. If the cougar group tries a future booking, merely mention to them that, by coincidence, the desired cougar sailing already has two other large groups booked – one, a Danny DeVito look-alike club and the other a Dr. Phil look-alike club.

 

CABO SAN LUCAS was the first port. There were local shuttle boats tendering to the pier instead of the ship’s lifeboats. There are many bars, tourist shops, restaurants near the pier. We did not do any major excursions but walked 15 minutes to Sammy Haggar’s CaboWabo for refreshments that ran about $9 each. On the way we used a small internet café charging $1US for 15-minutes. (Internet packages onboard ship average around $.50 per minute for connect time.) CaboWabo had a pretty good 3 piece band doing 70-80s rock standards. On the way back near the ship we had a tasty light snack at Solomon’s pier-side casual restaurant. We heard a couple favorable reports from others who had more substantial platters there.

 

MAZATLAN was the second port and the main town is a couple-3 miles inland. It was pretty warm and humid so we hung out on the ship. I could have gone to a local beach to lay out sunning, but my looks are such that sometimes cats come over and try to cover me up. Like Rodney Dangerfield experience, later I heard that at right after my birth the doctor slapped my mother.

 

PUERTO VALLARTA was the last port visited. The ship docked near a marina about 3 miles from the center of town. Cab-vans were ready to carry pax to the main shopping area for $5 each. We visited the Hard Rock café at early afternoon for lunch – the ship’s port flyer had a 20% meal discount coupon. The quesadillas were nice, around $10, and we paid $10 for 10-min return cab. The global recession has hit Mexico hard too – as the ship left the PV marina area 15 new 30-story condos were visible but only about 15% of the units were occupied with lights on (empty time shares?).

 

You can survey additional cougar research at Youtube.com by searching there on keywords “cougars” and “cougarchanneltv” – in case you suspect I am making this stuff up. A video there explained how cougars need to distinguish between dressing sexy-classy versus sleazy. (Mae West : “It’s better to be looked over than overlooked”)

 

The ‘cougar expert’ (cougress?) on Youtube reports that women have four ‘attraction’ areas – chest, abdomen, legs and back. Dressing ‘sexy-classy’ dictates apparel that highlights no more than two attraction areas at a time. Showing off three areas triggers the slippery slope to sleaze - whee. It sure would make things easier for guys (and ladies too) if all women would dress on the 4-attraction-areas scale. Bars could have signage designating areas for women dressed “1/2”, “3” and “4”. Bars probably could get away with tripling drink prices in the “4” section. (Mae West: “Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.” and “There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.”)

 

On a prior cruise I had seen poolside what I then thought was a ‘cougar’. Heavily tanned (almost leathery) 50-ish lady with coiffed frosted hair, leopard-fabric bikini and high heels (probably a 3-4 on the classy/sleaze scale). I checked the pool area a few times on this Mariner cougar cruise expecting gaggles of similarly attired ladies – but to no avail. Bummer – Mariner must have gotten all the “1-2” scale 'classy' dressers or else they kept to entirely different hours and locations than I did. I even asked a few staff about any cougar incidents or escapades but they had no anecdotes.

 

Confused and disbelieving, I researched cruise reports from the 1st International Cougar cruise from December, 2009. (Obviously I take my cruise review duties too seriously). Cougar activity from that cruise too was largely unnoticed – at poolside a few ladies together wearing ‘Cougar Pride” tees. You’d think with guys’ reputation for “kissing and telling” that ‘cubs’ would be doing a lot of reporting – but nowadays likely mostly texting, not print media.

 

DEBARKATION: Pax were allowed to sign up in advance for early debarkation with self-carry luggage. Alternatively, checked bags had to be put out by 10pm the night prior. Those not electing the early walk-off were assigned colored bag tags and gathered in assembly lounges. Cabins were to be exited by 8am. Only non-US passengers had to attend an immigration screening that morning.

 

We had the first-up color bag tags and were released around 8:15am to retrieve our checked luggage at the terminal. Overall, a decent cruise trip but I can’t recommend the Mexican Riviera unless you enjoy beach/water activities. I was looking forward to a 4-G, 3-D cougar-watching event maybe cougars' purr is worse than their bite.

[zebra36]

Thanks for the review and early morning chuckle!

[spongerob]

Good one!

 

If the club wants to advertise the next cruise they'd likely sell it out if they did a promo in advance of Sex and the City 2 screenings.

 

Message to cougars - very few of you compare to Kim Cattrall.

 

Message to cubs - ditto.

[crusinmama06]

That was the funniest review I have read in a long time! Thanks for my morning laugh. :D That was GREAT!

[silentbob007]

Appreciate the time/humor.

[LBumb]

We were on this cruise. If you wanted to see the cougars on the prowl, they were hunting each night in the Dragon's Lair. Very interesting dance moves.

[SRAFROG]

Greydog, very funny review.

 

I could be a cougar's great grandmother.

ha ha ha.

 

You didnt mention "bears". Thats older men

looking for young women in their 20's. Now here I

might have a chance. If the man is 100 years old,

that is.

[greydog]

We were on this cruise. If you wanted to see the cougars on the prowl, they were hunting each night in the Dragon's Lair. Very interesting dance moves.

 

Darn - I saw those 11pm-start evening schedules for Dragon's Lair but I was already asleep by then - so I missed that 'action'. I guess cougars run on a Las Vegas schedule and Royal was trying to 'sequester' them somewhat from the regular pax.

[Muushka]

Oh my! Greydog, I didn't know you had a comic side! Sounds like it was a great cruise.

[Fabi_X_X]

Ugh i know this may be a stupid question :) but what is a cougar?: o

[Fabi_X_X]

Nwm i know ; p just wasnt sure about the cougar cruise thing lol.

[bamelin]

Nwm i know ; p just wasnt sure about the cougar cruise thing lol.

 

Just in case anyone else isn't sure:

 

Question: What is a cougar?

 

The short answer: A cougar is an older woman who is primarily attracted to and has sex with with significantly younger men.

 

Answer: The most commonly-accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. The onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.

Typically, cougars prey upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Thus fortysomething cougars would be attracted to men in their 20s, and fiftysomething cougars would pursue men in their 30s and so on. Some cougars are less interested in a relationship than a sexual conquest, perhaps enjoying the fact that they are physically appealing to men who are considered to be in the prime of their virility.

 

A cougar may be married or unmarried, and some even go after their daughters' boyfriends.

 

Although the term 'cougar' comes from the big-game predatory cat of the same name, the cougar connection also may allude to the wearing of animal print clothing by older and more sexually aggressive women.

 

An early example of the cougar phenomenom was seen in the groundbreaking film The Graduate, in which middle-aged Mrs. Robinson (Ann Bancroft) seduces fresh-out-of-college Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman).

 

Real-life cougar relationships include Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (15 years), Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins (12 years), and Barbara Hershey and Naveen Andrews (21 years).

[codyboy]

I just love your sense of humor but good laughs out of this. We will be on this ship in August. Thanks for the thumbs up.:cool:

[above sea level cruiser]

Greydog, you are too funny!:D:D:D. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

[TenerifeSharon]

Thanks, Greydog, for pointing me in the right direction to find this newest piece of your humorous reporting!!:D

[ColNan]

you`re funny Greydog!....and write a pretty good review too! I enjoyed reading it. thanks for taking the time to post it!

[richsea]

Thanks for another entertaining review, greydog!

[Poorplaya]

Great review, good laugh, enjoyed it very much.

[greydog]

A USA Today report on either Jun3 or 4 on the 'Cougar' cruise explains why I never saw them - there were only 20 official Cougars along in the group after all the advance hype.:eek:

 

"But 20 or so other so-called "cougars" have taken the bait and signed on for what is billed as the second-ever International Cougar Cruise, a week-long Mexican Riviera sailing out of Los Angeles in May. From the get-go, the more vocal among the 25 or so "cubs" along for the ride are grousing about the lack of "Demi-ness" among the cougar contingent. And the more snarly cougars shoot back that there isn't necessarily a lot of Ashton-ness on display, either

[Rondo]

Great review!! I usually skim through reviews because they get boring, but loved your sense of humor!!

[LBumb]

they said their club was called Just Say No Club. No to marriage that is.