How to handle Mother-In-Law on Alaska Cruise

[crusinmama06]

I would like to point out the indigestion is only temporary; MIL's are around for much longer. You may want to reconsider. Plus, a big old bottle of TUMS from Costco can help too. Nothing I know of helps with MIL's. :D

 

You're right she caused me so much more indigestion on that cruise than she could cause the shark. :rolleyes:

 

Picture this. The sun just started to rise. The kids and I are just starting to stir. She comes over to say (yes this is a direct quote) "Can you all walk me up to the top deck, I need a cigarette?"

 

I respond - "Just take the elevator up to the Lido deck. We'll be up in a little bit after we get dressed."

 

Her response "Well I can't go by myself, I'll get lost" :eek:

 

My first thought "Oh I can dream can't I"

 

But what I said "Come on kids, hurry up and get dressed" :rolleyes:

[bmgaritty]

You're right she caused me so much more indigestion on that cruise than she could cause the shark. :rolleyes:

 

Picture this. The sun just started to rise. The kids and I are just starting to stir. She comes over to say (yes this is a direct quote) "Can you all walk me up to the top deck, I need a cigarette?"

 

I respond - "Just take the elevator up to the Lido deck. We'll be up in a little bit after we get dressed."

 

Her response "Well I can't go by myself, I'll get lost" :eek:

 

My first thought "Oh I can dream can't I"

 

But what I said "Come on kids, hurry up and get dressed" :rolleyes:

 

Gee, you can bite your tongue.....

 

Smoking and kids?????????

[pms4104]

To the OP ... as your in-laws are paying, you and your family are their guests. So, you may have to grin and bear a lot of stuff that ordinarily would make you nuts, and go thru compromises that you might not if you were paying your own fare.

 

I'm not being critical of your choice to take your family on this wonderfully "free" cruise ... but, like everything else in life, nothing is really "free".

 

I hope you all get along better than you anticipate ... wishing you all an unforgettably great Alaska cruise adventure!

[cantwait2cruize]

Just get her drunk, and if that doesn't work, get yourself drunk:D .

[rebeccalouise]

My parents take me on cruises too. I know that sometimes it is difficult when they are giving advice- but it is well-intentioned.

 

Think about when your kids grow up and you have grandchildren. Are you going to sit there and watch your kids make mistakes? Or are you going to give "unsolicitied" advice?

 

As for a family trip. You inlaws are paying for all of you to go. That means they do want to spend time with you. Leave the 4 year old with them as much as possible- because this age is easier for them. This will wear them out!

 

Try to understand that they mean well. That's how I pysche myself up for vacations. You kids are young but be glad they have such generous and caring grandparents.

 

Cruises are great because the ships are huge and while one is playing Bingo- another might enjoy afternoon tea. While a couple people do one thing- others can do something else.

 

If you have a balcony. It is nice to sit out there and enjoy the scenery. If not, take the kids to an empty lounge and let them play, while you and your inlaws watch the scenery. Alaska is lovely.

 

P.S: you may hardly see your 4 year old- that one will be in the Fun Zone or whatever they call it on NCL

[CanadianTwosome]

I like Rebeccalouise's suggestion about dinner... switch off watching the kids while the other couple eats. :) This way, your inlaws get some 'kid time' that doesn't involve eating with toddlers, and you get to avoid meals with them. I'm very fortunate as far as parents go - we always invite my mom along on our trips; I've been travelling with her since I was a baby, after all... I've travelled with her as a child, a teen, a young adult, and a mother myself, and I've always enjoyed her company. My mother in law, on the other hand... well... let's just say we don't live in the same city as her for a reason. :p

 

That being said, I would still be just fine taking a trip with my inlaws. My mother in law's greatest fault is that she wants to help - to an irritating degree sometimes. Cruisin'Trooper also made a good point about dealing with your own parent - you need to tell your husband how you're feeling and make sure you explain to him that you expect him to make an attempt to intervene. I'm pretty good at standing up to my mother in law, but sometimes when she's particularly 'focused' on something, to keep the peace, I tell him to HANDLE it. (read: handle HER) You married HIM; if he wants the woman he LIVES WITH to be happy, he needs to explain some things to his mom. Perhaps he's already done so, I don't know... but if she's not prepared to be nice, why on earth should you have to be prepared to put up with it?

 

Another possibility is to put your kids in the kid's club or babysitting during port times. Tell your in laws that you need them to stay on board (at least for part of the time) so that the kids have someone on board with them. Take an excursion then come back and switch off so they can check out the port. I'm not sure where to fit the baby into this one if your in laws aren't capable of looking after her, but it may be an idea you can expand on. :)

 

Good luck!!

[crusinmama06]

Gee, you can bite your tongue.....

 

Smoking and kids?????????

 

I didn't say she handed them a Marlboro and said "Go ahead and light up kiddies" ;)

 

We walked her up to the Lido, she went to one side of the ship to smoke. We went and got our table for breakfast on the other side of the ship. :)

 

She knows better than to actually smoke around my kids. She's delusional, but not that delusional.

[Tatianablue]

Since your inlaws invited your family to go along, and you and H accepted, it could be very easy to come off as rude to them, when suggesting ideas to spend time apart from them, be careful. I know you don't want to be that way, and believe me, I have the hardest MIL in the world to get along with, she is very ill right now and probably won't be with us much longer. But I honestly used to think that her main goal when she awoke every single day was to see how miserable she could make me. Most of the time she succeeded.

 

I would have never in a million years agreed to take my small children on a cruise to anywhere with her! I know I would have been afraid to be standing beside her near the railing, for fear that I might be overcome and push her over, not to sound cruel, or hard hearted, the truth is that I was a complete idiot from all of her rambling and know it all conversations, about nothing.

 

Some of the former posters had some great ideas, spending special time with them, with the kids and so on. I know that you will be creative and work it out, naptime is always a good reason to get away.

 

One thing I would not be comfortable doing, is excluding them from dinner. Hard as it is, they are your H parents, they gave him life and love him very much I am sure. Hey, the dining room might not be a good option period for the young ones, it may be much easier to have dinner on the Lido. If confronted in the right way, a sweet little whisper from H or from you that you would love to take each other out on a date, they might be happy to watch the kids for you while you go to dinner. I know, I know, the MIL is always going to make her remarks, the best you can do in this situation, is to let them roll off your back, sometimes you have to turn around and walk away. Another thing my sil and I used to do, when our Mil would get on one of her soapboxes talking of course about nothing for hours on end, one of us would just chime in and start talking about something else, this usually stopped her because everyone else at the table , or family room would be so happy to join in and liven up the room, everyone would be talking, I wonder if she ever got the clue.

 

Reality is, they are paying for this cruise for your H to bring his family to join them. Another thing, to soften her up, you might bring her a little appreciation gift just from you. Some wonderful lip gloss, a soft pair of slippers, it doesn't matter if she already has loads of it, its the idea that you thought of her that counts. I usually found that it is all about making points and staying on top of the game. Kind of defeats the idea about a vacation. If she doesn't catch on, and realize that she needs to shut her mouth, and be glad that her family is with her, then it will end up being her loss. I know this is going to be stressful on you, try not to let it come between you and your H, you need to have a great time together also!!!!

 

I hope it works out for the best and you all have a great time. You will have to come back and report in, let us know how it all worked out!

[rebeccalouise]

Wow- as the mother of a 20 year old son with a girlfriend... I certainly hope that she isn't on these boards talking about me one day!

 

Seriously, try to put yourself in the MIL and FIL shoes. I suspect they want to do a trip before they get too old and can't do it. I think it is lovely that they are taking you.

 

Honestly, the relationship Grandparents have with the grandchildren is completely different. The Grandparents will enjoy some one-on-one with each child. Perhaps one day when you get off in say Juneau. The grandparents could watch just the baby. Then another day, just the 2 year old, while the 4 year old is in the youth program and you are taking care of the 6 month old. I think that is what they would like- more time getting to know their grandchildren.

[CMM]

Take a positive up front approach.

Try having lunch or coffee just with MIL sometime prior to the cruise without the kids. Tell her you want to prepare for the trip.

A way to stay in control and still be positive is to start off by thanking her for such a generous gift to all of you. Then be up front that I am sure there are times when a crew full of young kids will get on her nerves. Ask her what is important to her. Tell her you want to find out how to include the kids in activities that will be pleasant for everyone.

I would guess what is most important to her is seeing her grandkids a bit and then spending some quality time with her son. I think if you husband could dedicate some time each day with his mom doing an activity such as bingo, coffee, or going to a show she would be thrilled. You won't have to deal with her and her reaction to the antics of the little ones. Watching the kids alone without the help of your hubby could be time well spent in the long run.

So although she is paying for the trip, you could give her the gift of some time again with her son.

Hope you all have a great time.

 

PS If all else fails, dump the entire family on your hubby and head for a well deserved afternoon alone at the spa.

[rebeccalouise]

Great advice!

 

As for MIL and DIL relationship. We all have had MIL and face reality- sons don't want to hurt their mothers. So the onus is on the Daugher-in-law to communicate in a polite way their expectations and reservations about the trip.

 

My father is always more receptive when I play the "scared, worried child" than the "defensive, angry daughter". You get more flies with honey than vinegar.

[Crusin6]

I didn't say she handed them a Marlboro and said "Go ahead and light up kiddies" ;)

 

We walked her up to the Lido, she went to one side of the ship to smoke. We went and got our table for breakfast on the other side of the ship. :)

 

She knows better than to actually smoke around my kids. She's delusional, but not that delusional.

Dear cruisin Mama,

 

like your style.``But what is with her, she can't walk up on deck? Geez, you are a great dil. Mine knows to ask me for nothing. She knows I have had it with her family and their antics. I, BTW, got the son with the brain in the family. Many people have told me so once they meet the rest of the family. My mil btw would never even think of paying for our trips, which my DH absolutely loves to go on with our kids, she would just keep quiet and say I spend dh's money foolishly. We have taken some trips that she would enjoy and we would love to have her on but if we invited her, we would pay (she is loaded btw) and then she would want to invite her DD, my SIL, and her nutty tribe too!. My MIL cannot be with one family unless the other is there also. MIL also ignores the grandkids when the whole family is around because she doesn't want to upset any of her kids by actually speaking to one of their siblings kids! Yes, it is disfunctional. Not my immediate family, that I have seen to, but the extended family is for sure. That is why we control our immediate family how we want and see the extended only occasionally.

 

Bye,

addicted traveler

 

 

Disney Magic 2004 ( hurricane Frances extended cruise)

Carnival Victory-Canada 2007

Carnival Freedom-Med July 2008;)

[Dr_DNA]

Wow- as the mother of a 20 year old son with a girlfriend... I certainly hope that she isn't on these boards talking about me one day!

 

Don't worry; they both already are. :D I think that thread is on another board though.

[friedoreo]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Everyone's advice is fantastic and making me feel alot better about taking this trip. I wish I could push my DH to talk to his Mom but he never confronts them about anything. They say extremely nasty things to his face in front of our children and he says nothing. I understand that is his position not to rock the boat (and I don't interfere between their son/parental relationship), but I think I am going to have to sit down with MIL before the trip because he won't. And I know that I will be a MIL someday too so I am trying to make this relationship work. I really need to work on growing a backbone. Even with these issues, I can't wait to go on this cruise :D

[crusinmama06]

Dear cruisin Mama,

 

like your style.``But what is with her, she can't walk up on deck?

 

Good luck with your inlaws! As my hubby always says "I didn't pick MY family YOU did." :p

[Karysa]

Good luck with your inlaws! As my hubby always says "I didn't pick MY family YOU did." :p

 

Too Funny!!!

Karysa

[ladypalmtree]

egads....I have only traveled with my MIL once..the eldest daughter was five and she got sick...and well I never heard the end of it..How I had ruined the entire trip for everyone! How I should pour oil in her ear and bundle her up in many blankets and have her sweat out the fever. My dh had to hold me back. I told him in is a miracle her survived childhood! She and I travel to Vegas sometimes...and we get along, as long as we keep it simple and do not talk about family stuff. I could go on and on about this women..but my blood pressure is going up...good luck my friend...and remember....No pushing anybody overboard! no matter how tempted!:eek:

[mitsybella]

Maybe you could sign the older 2 up for the childrens program, take them to the buffet and let them eat earlier, then go to dinner with the inlaws once the older 2 are at the childrens club, at least then she would only be distracted by the 6 mth old who may be sleepy by then). During the day or on excursions as much as she may grate on your last nerve, your MIL may come in handy watching 1 of the children while you and hubby manage the others, unless she has to help with your FIL. If all else fails tell your hubby to keep them all occupied and go to the spa:D

[Zaniac]

Just Curious, does your DH know how you feel? If he does, then I think he should take the reigns on this one and coordinate a buffer zone between you and your MIL. My DW and Mom don't always see eye to eye and at first I was leery about getting involved because let's face it, he is getting between two off the most important women in his life and it can be hard to take sides. I did eventually come around and now side with my DW at times, and my Mom at others. The point is I became the buffer zone to which the decision on how to alleviate any issues was mine, and neither my DW or mother risked having their feelings hurt or risked their relationship with each other. Mothers, especially when they get to be a certain age (and especially if there is grandchildren involved) tend to become overbearing and still need to feel that they are the mother hen, which can strain the most tolerant wife IMO.

 

With respect to DW's and MIL's everywhere.

 

Hope this helps.

[funfamilyfun]

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions :) This is really not a joke. And yes, my in-laws are paying. (One reason I feel really guilty posting this b/c they are being so generous).

 

Although I feel for you and understand this is a difficult situation, I think you should have meals together. They are paying, so I think you need to spend time with them. Meeting for meals only would give you the rest of the day to hang out with your kids, but still spend time with your inlaws. Have fun and good luck!

[tropicqueen]

:mad: We will be taking our son (38) DIL (37) GS (4) & (18 mo) on the Victory

next March of 09.They will have a nice balcony cabin 7377 right down

the way from us in the very back. We look forward to taking care of the

boys part of the time so the parents can have time on there own.

We picked Carnival after researching the different cruise lines kids programs. We plan on spending time on our own also. A cruise seems

to offer the perfect solution to (not Too Much Togetherness !)

We look forward to having a nice dinner (adults only ) and relaxing

while the little ones are having a kids dinner. We don't usually stay

up late so can stay with the boys in the cabin.

I have the perfect DIL she listens to my advice, which I rarely give actually. Then she takes it or not. If not, I don't comment.

We. MIL's were once the age of you Mother's that are complaining!

We had MIL's also.We actually have feelings too !

Remember, in most cases you will spend more time in your life not

having us around than with us !

Tropicqueen

[6rugrats]

:mad: We will be taking our son (38) DIL (37) GS (4) & (18 mo) on the Victory

next March of 09.They will have a nice balcony cabin 7377 right down

the way from us in the very back. We look forward to taking care of the

boys part of the time so the parents can have time on there own.

We picked Carnival after researching the different cruise lines kids programs. We plan on spending time on our own also. A cruise seems

to offer the perfect solution to (not Too Much Togetherness !)

We look forward to having a nice dinner (adults only ) and relaxing

while the little ones are having a kids dinner. We don't usually stay

up late so can stay with the boys in the cabin.

I have the perfect DIL she listens to my advice, which I rarely give actually. Then she takes it or not. If not, I don't comment.

We. MIL's were once the age of you Mother's that are complaining!

We had MIL's also.We actually have feelings too !

 

 

Remember, in most cases you will spend more time in your life not

having us around than with us !

Tropicqueen

 

You are right tropicqueen and you sound like a great MIL. I've loved both of mine; they were/are wonderful supportive women. Sometimes the good attitude has to come from both sides, DIL AND MIL! Have a wonderful family cruise.

[WannaCruise08]

Hi friedoreo! Your situation reminds me of a family reunion I went to some years ago. I was sooooo nervous about various family members that drive me crazy! However, my youngest child was 9 months--young like yours--and he was a perfect excuse when I needed a break from the togetherness. Diaper changes, nap times, need to clean his face/hands, forgot a toy in the room, etc. I got to have a lot of breaks so then the Together Time was more manageable for me.

 

Your kids are the perfect ages to "shield you" that way. :) I think you will have fun, and find a rhythm to it!

 

Your signature says you'll be on the Pearl in June--that's when I'm cruising too and I wonder if we're on the same cruise! Come to the "Roll Call" and check in!

 

(I'm going to have my MIL with me too! First trip ever with her. A little nervous but I think we'll find our way. My kids are older now, and she does well with them.)

 

Good luck!:)