Empress 3/4/17 - A TALE OF TWO CRUISES

As threatened back in November, this rambling mess is my trip review of our Empress cruise. Our usual freak show stayed home this time, so our travel party was only myself, wife, son, DiL and GDD.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This review contains miscellaneous ramblings, weird thoughts, opinions and, possibly, some humor that may be harmful to the delicate sensibilities of the PC Police, Royal Carribots or members of the Society of Perpetual Outrage. (SOPO). If you belong to any of these groups, or are a "highly evolved" and sensitive individual, please stop here and go check the newest list of cruise directors or menus.

It was the best of cruises, it was the worst of cruises. It was a time of new things, it was a time for the old. It was a time for me to be stupid, it was a time for me to be merely dumb. In addition, as we go through, you’ll notice there was also a touch of Alice in Wonderland.

Getting there is half the fun (and costs as much as the cruise)

As always, we flew out of our local regional airport with a perfect flight on JetBlue. HPN allows us to avoid the nightmare drive to JFK and the third world hellhole that is LAG. Simply put, if JBlue goes where I’m going, I’m on it. This being March in New York, we left a day early to avoid the snow so naturally it was 48 degrees and sunny. Nailed that one huh? I also got yanked aside by TSA since I had contraband in my carry on. Apparently a spray can of shoe powder violates the latest TSA rules. Despite my explanation that leather deck shoes plus Carribean heat results in an odor somewhat akin to a wet dog chewing on a dead rat, the TSA remained unmoved. Since we didn’t have a balcony this trip, a CVS in Miami became a suddenly urgent stop.

We always fly to FLL to avoid the madness of MIA which is a demented circus minus only the elephants (although many cruisers could easily make up for that deficiency). Our VP of Hotel Coordination (the Son) booked us into the Intercontinental next to the Port of Miami so next was ground transportation. We booked Holland Limousine and they were spot on. Since we were 4 adults and a 4 year old, we needed a large SUV with a child seat. Holland was the only place I contacted that offered that combination. Our driver (Gary) was terrific although he had a tendency to talk at 70 words per minute with gusts up to 110. Total cost for the 35 minute ride was $140.00, tax and tip included, so we only had to sell two pieces of my wife’s jewelry. WHEW that was a relief. To be fair, I’m sure a standard car for 2-3 people would be less expensive.

This isn’t a hotel review so I’ll just tell you the Intercontinental is a beautiful property. We hadn’t even checked in yet before Mrs. Galt and DiL scoped out the Starbucks in the lobby. For them, life suddenly became edenistic and anytime we lost one of them, we knew right where to go. Starbucks has apparently replaced the opium dens of Dicken’s time for those with an addiction to acidic coffee and who like the idea of their eyebrows at the top of their forehead as they watch TV at 3:00 AM.

Anyway, the room was excellent, the air was fresh and clean and absolutely everything else is charged to your room. For those who like surprises, try the Blue Water restaurant for lunch. Four adults, with 2 drinks each and what they call "nouvelle cuisine" (apparently French for "microscopic portion") can relax and look at the harbor for a mere $267.00. A bargain at half the price. For those who may not need to send your money down the rabbit hole with Alice and the Mad Hatter, there is a Holiday Inn right down the street which is also right outside the port and a ton less expensive.

and there was evening and morning on the first day.

Which of the two threads will you keep?

Biker, who is looking forward to this review.

For some reason I am being blocked from posting the rest of the review by something called "CAPCHA".

I check off I am not a robot but no dice.

Will be back as soon as I can figure it out.

I check off I am not a robot but no dice.

Yes, along with the new version CC, came some new "features". You may have to slow roll your review.

Yes, along with the new version CC, came some new "features". You may have to slow roll your review.

Slow Roll?

That CAPCHA may have been due to amount, format and timing of your posting. Alter those and should be fine.

Thanks. I tried cutting down the post. Will try a smaller bit but it's gonna really break up the flow.

Stinks.

Following

Sent from my iPhone using Forums

Thanks. I tried cutting down the post. Will try a smaller bit but it's gonna really break up the flow.

Don't worry, folks will love it in smaller chunks just as well.

All those sailing on Empress Board now — NOT SO FAST 20 year olds

After a good nights sleep we bade a fond farewell to the Intercon (and several hundred dollars) and grabbed a cab for the short ride around the block to the Port. Fare was $10.00 plus tip. Remember this for later.

Arrived about 11:00, bribed the porters appropriately to insure our luggage got on the ship, and pretty much walked through security to check in. Check in was very slow and we didn’t understand it since RCI usually does this with relentless, Disney-like efficiency. The reason became apparent once we got to the front.

Apparently RCI had adopted a new policy that morning and they were telling everyone under 21 years old that they could not even be checked in without a permission letter from their parents. SAY WHAT???? There was absolutely no notice of this on the RCI site nor when these young people checked in online. As we checked in and got our sea passes, there was an entire lounge of kids making frantic calls to their parents at home begging them to a) stop what they were doing; b) find a place to write a letter and photocopy their drivers’ license; and c) fax it or email it to RCI. It seems that young adults who can join the military, get married or terminate a pregnancy on their own cannot cruise without a note from Mom. I guess I sort of understand the policy, but to give them notice for the first time at the terminal was absurd. Sorry RCI, you really screwed the pooch on this one.

Anyway, we are on board at about 11:45 and the Windjammer was open so up to 10 deck for lunch and then lounge at the pool until quarters are called at 1:00. It was at this point we got our own surprise. On a ship that carries 1,800 passengers we had 1,400 spring breakers as our shipmates. So much for "Newlywed or nearly dead". We had been on a spring breaker last year but this was the first time we would be outnumbered by more that 3:1. YIKES. I was sure that we would see all sorts of aberrant behavior and I can tell you we did indeed. I’ll give you the grisly details later on.

Since this was my first ever experience with MTD, I immediately went in search of the Maitre’ d.

"My Time" is really more like "Our Time but you might get to pick one" but I guess OTBYMTPO is not as catchy an acronym. I requested 7:00 each night and she responded with 5:15, 7:45 or 8:30. Zounds, did I hear her correctly? Anyway, having read the book that Trump had written for him on his art, I was able to negotiate 6:15 each night at the same table. She even let me pick out the table so, in the end, it all sort of worked out. Of course, I am male (or at least identify as one) and therefore, per se, wrong about pretty much everything. When I reported back to the crew, I was immediately harangued by the wife and DiL for failing to provide the service they requested. Ahh well, even at sea one must appreciate being reminded of ones’ deficiencies. It keeps me not only grounded but, at times, flat on the ground.

Anyway, cabins were called on schedule at 1:00 PM so down to quarters we went. Wife and I usually are balcony snobs but ain’t no such thing on Empress unless one mortgages the house for a suite, thus we had an Oceanview. Having twice lived in an outside "almost walk in closet" on Majesty, we were pleasantly surprised by our relatively capacious cabins (8124 and 8126). They felt open and airy, we could walk around both sides of the bed, and storage was adequate enough for my Wife to stow her Victoria Secret’s "Married 36 years" flannel lingerie collection. Even better we could enter the head without first deciding what we needed to do and what direction to face. That said, the shower, with the traditional curtain required some level of gymnastics.

This was also my first cabin on any ship that had three sets of electrical outlets. I always pack a power strip but it really wasn’t needed this time. We also met our cabin attendant whose first name had no vowels so I was happy when he told me to call him Moe. He must have some Eastern power of invisibility since we never saw him again until the last day of the cruise, but the cabin was always made up and the ice was always there. That’s really all we ask for and he went on his way well tipped.

Muster drill at 3:30 was the usual breeze and the stunning woman officer assigned to our station had me wishing it had gone on for an hour or so but no dice. It is a relief not to wear the balloons anymore though.

After drill, I attempted to retire to my standard (until last year) sailaway station - The Viking Crown. On Empress it’s more like the Viking Bracelet with Earrings. For one, it ONLY faces the stern, which defeats my purpose and, for two, the bar was locked up tight so my tradition of choosing drinks by color was also DOA. A sad epitaph to a fine tradition and it also deprives me of my chance to weave my way back to the cabin on the first afternoon.

So after the disappointment at the VC, I rejoined the family on the pool deck and got my first inkling that this might just be a cruise to boldly go where none had gone before. Apparently all 1,400 young people had gotten their notes from mom and the pool deck was mobbed. In one sense this was fine since the idea of 5 days watching 20 somethings in Brazilian cut (which I think means half moon in designer speak) bikinis with the occasional actual butt floss thong was hardly an aesthetic nightmare. I photograph models at home so I am used to gorgeous but by the end of the week even my wife was pointing out potential models.

As always though, there was another shoe to drop. In this case it was more like a steel toed construction boot. Empress only has 4 bars and RCI only opened 2 at any given time and even these were totally understaffed with two bartenders rather than the more normal 3 or 4. This guaranteed that getting a drink at any time, anywhere, all week required a 20-30 minute rugby scrum. Even on in port days the pool bar resembled a hornets nest. I thought the legal drinking age aboard was 21 but those same kids who needed the permission slip had apparently all turned 21 on March 4. Truly an amazing coincidence. As a result I (and every other adult) was relegated to doing the "New York Taxi Hail" for pool bar waiters. Fortunately, I was able to give lessons on this technique to several people from the midwest and did so free of charge as a part of my community service program.

About 2 days into this insanity my son once again proved that he is smarter than I am and not just in getting me to pay for the whole cruise plus his drink package. As a businessman, I mentioned to him that by keeping only 2 venues open and staffing only 2 bartenders, RCI was losing a ton of revenue. However, he is in the hotel industry and pointed out that Royal was probably doing it on purpose to curtail the number of drunken fights and avoid excessive pressure on the crew mop and bucket brigade. After reflection, I believe he was right and RCI was smart.

Unfortunately, this also deprived me of one of my greatest enjoyments on any cruise. I usually get to know a couple of bartenders and my wait staff pretty well and I like learning from them about their countries and their experiences in the various ports. This was not to be since every bartender was at least 5 drunks away at any time and, even when I got near one, they were running around like rats on speed. They were in pure survival mode and not even my standard "stripper singles" could cut through the horde.

Alice Appears and the Mandatory Food Discussion

Here are some areas where Alice in Wonderland kicks in. Certain aspects of this cruise were absolutely backwards from my other 9 cruises on RCI. At times it was like being in a hall of mirrors or a political campaign where nothing is real and your eyes are the last thing to believe.

First, the elevators actually were easy to get and people were letting others off BEFORE they tried to get on. The few wheelchair and walker brigade members aboard were actually assisted on several occasions in my sight. I had never seen any of those things occur on a Royal ship and it gave a certain "other dimensional" quality to the week.

Also, the food situation was a total reversal of all prior my RCI trips. My wife and I like room service for breakfast, usually on our balcony, but we made do and ordered it every day. Those of you who read my last screed know Majesty had cut this down to "continental" choices. This time, the full room service package was on those cards we hang on the door. HUZZAH. More Alice in Wonderland – The food was actually good, arrived on time and was something close to almost warm every day. Eggs, bacon, savories, all were in order even though "toast" meant they waved the bread over a cigarette lighter and, of course, the coffee had been recently drained from the ships’ batteries.

In the MDR we had a terrific team of Lenus and Dennery. Neither one was all that gregarious but they were both efficient as could be. Unfortunately, the slow decline of food quality that had been happening over the past several years went off the cliff this trip and the food resembled the enlisted men’s field mess at Parris Island.

Now this is not a comment on the chef. The food served us was flavorful enough but the food quality was - to be kind - sub par. This was most evident in the various shoe leather tough things they called any approximation of steaks and the glob of chewy fat passing as a braised short rib. As I said last year, RCI purchasing is really letting down some good to excellent chefs, so much so that by day 4 we abandoned the MDR and ate in the Windjammer where — unbelievably --- the food was better and the choices more extensive.

Yes folks, the same WJ that I have always decried as extravagantly average and boring as a political speech was the culinary top of this cruise. Truly I was in an alternate universe at mealtimes and I kept looking for the Chesire Cat. Lunches were average to very good and the selections changed every day. I had often heard rumors of such things but had never actually seen them. The carving stations served meats that were at least not aggressively horrible and I don’t begin to understand how the same kitchen can turn out such schizophrenic meals. To be sure, the hamburgers were still a choice of "wave at your friends" or "Drive nails with this end", but overall we always found something we actually enjoyed. AMAZING.

Aberrant Behavior and the barf bags appear

As I hinted at the beginning, with 1,400 college kids aboard I expected all sorts of weirdness and stuff that doesn’t happen on shore. I was not disappointed.

All week I could hear Rod Serlings’ voice saying "Imagine a dimension where 1,400 young people in 2017 are well behaved, polite, say please and thank you and even hold doors for older people". "Imagine in this world that you won’t see even one really obnoxious drunk and nary a stupid, screaming fight for any reason." Welcome, my friends, to "The Twilight Zone".

Yes folks, while there certainly were lines and inconveniences, every adult I talked to was truly impressed by the deportment of our young shipmates. Simply put, the dreaded "Spring Break Cruise" was actually a relatively calm affair. Sure we saw drunks and of course we saw great examples of stupid that I wish I had thought of at their age, but no more so than on any other cruise and the kids were better behaved and more respectful of the crew than many 70 year olds on the ships we have cruised. On the last day two of them even thanked me for putting up with them.

Truly I must have gotten some of Alices’ mushroom tea in the drinks I did manage to get. After all the bullspot and horsefeathers on college campuses lately, this cruise actually gave me some glimmer of hope that there are indeed some young people in this country who can take over from us. Of course, they may be too smart and/or too honest to go into what is ironically known as "public service" in the Washington Nomenklatura. Ahh well. One can dream.

This cruise was also the first time I had ever seen every stairwell have a set of airline style barf bags taped to the railings. I’m sure I fooled you about the reason for appearance of these. NO they had nothing to do with drinking, they had to do with the seas. We had a beam sea for most of the cruise giving us a nice rocking to sleep at night and otherwise easily handled with meclizine, scopolomine and my Rx of choice—Jack Daniels.

However on night three we hit a truly evil quartering sea. For those who don’t know, that sea hits the ship on an angle from the rear producing a hellish combination of side to side roll and drunken steering movement called "crabbing". Just imagine being trapped in the tea cups at Disney World with three different motions moving in different directions. Even some of the crew were looking alien green and Guest Relations had green apples and saltines for all. Medical reported record numbers of requests for seasickness. Fortunately, by that time I was JD’ed enough to compensate for the reeling ship and I made it back to my cabin at 3:00 AM with my only concern that nobody step on my fingers. WHEW!!!!!

Cozumel and Key West

The main reason we chose this cruise was the itinerary. Imagine 5 days on RCI without ever getting near the pit called Nassau, the slums of Grand Bahama or the ersatz Disney World of Coco Cay.

We all love sea days, usually for the relaxed pace and the lack of need to be up at 7:00 to not see a port of call. However, due to the beehive bars and the crazed staff, these were somewhat less enjoyable than normal. Didn’t destroy the cruise by any means but I truly did miss the crew interaction.

In Cozumel, the Wife and I were awarded custody of the GDD while Son and DiL spent 5 hours on a bus to see Mayan ruins for an hour. Although I would love to see the ruins, this excursion has never made much sense to me since I can ride a bus in New York for 2 bucks and see many more ruins every 10 minutes.

Now we’ve been to Cozumel before but it was always on a photography cruise with 5 or so models. On those other cruises, the Mexican dockworkers were always hugely interested in learning photography. I know this because at least ten at a time were always right behind me. They must all be experts now since I didn’t see them this trip.

Anyway, we took the 4 year old off the ship into the Plaza for the educational opportunity of teaching her how to decline the relentless offers of weird hats, over the counter prescription drugs and lacquered blowfish with or without a clock in it’s stomach. We also visited the site my own personal ruin where, in 2014, I took my camera and lens for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico. That worked out about how you would expect and I still visit the gravesite whenever I can. Anyway, after our life lesson and memorial service we returned to the ship expecting a calm respite from the beehive. WRONG. While it took a less intensive struggle to get to the pool bar, apparently a large number of young people either didn’t trust themselves to walk on solid ground or had decided to simulate the motion of the ship for the entire cruise.

After another sea day it was on to Key West, always our mission objective. We truly enjoy the funky weirdness of the Conch Republic and this cruise had 10 hours in port instead of the usual get off, do a Chevy Chase look see and run back to the ship. We had decided to have the full landing party take the GDD to the Butterfly and Nature Center which, we were told, is "just down Duval". This turned out to a Bill Clinton worthy "sort of" truth since it was on Duval but "just down the street" meant a looooong way down. We were all OK with it but anyone with any ambulatory difficulty is well advised to find a bus, or taxi or whatever else is available.

With the luxury of all the port time, we took the kids on a pub crawl of our favorites, ending with a bucket list item for my DiL, a margarita or 5 at Buffet’s place. By the time we got back aboard, Empress was indeed moving, at least for me. I also noticed that RCI has taken a note (or at least a tweet) from NCL and now offers ice water on the dock. Not exactly wet towels but a welcomed step.

Homeward Bound and The Miami Ripoff

Back in Miami and disembarkation was the usual breeze, even through Customs. Since I didn’t have $800.00 left after drinks and Bingo, we had nothing to declare and were waved right through.

At the terminal we flagged a cab for the same trip back to the Intercontinental. A $10.00 cab ride remember? WRONG. Once we are in the cab, the driver informs us the flat rate is 20 bucks. When I told him about the ride in, he decided we had not used a cab. Presumably we had walked or rented a bicycle for our 4 year old. I wasn’t about the fight him but whatever he robbed from us became his tip and good luck to ya.

I had arranged for Holland (and Gary) to pick us up for the trip to Ft. Lauderdale, so an hour or so (and another $140.00) later, we were deposited at the Holiday Inn Express in Davie, FL.

The only real problem with JetBlue and FLL is that our flight home is at 7:00 PM. While I have thoroughly enjoyed sitting in FLL for 10 hours in the past, the idea of staring at Chili’s all that time did not appeal to our Hotel VP so he booked us a day room. Once again, he is smarter than I am and definitely had a better plan, especially since it was charged to me. Oh well, taught him well Yoda did. We also found Davie’s Best pizza for lunch which was virtually NY quality and delivered to the hotel for a bit less than $267.00. In any event, next time we fly in a day early I would stay here and go to whatever port in the morning.

Took the hotel free shuttle to FLL and thanked any God you prefer that I had gotten TSA Pre-Check. The line at security was longer than 3 anacondas and moving like it had just eaten a moose. Since the foot powder went in my checked bag, all was cool but it did make me wonder what it must be like when Oasis or Allure dumps 6,000 people in this airport. I think my personal bucket list now say "Avoid that at all costs". Another perfect flight home and all that was left to do was unpack and retrieve the dogs from the kennel at a cost only slightly higher than my cruise fare.

A Tale of Two Cruises Summary

To sum up these latest random notes from the decompression chamber, our tenth cruise on RCI was truly a schizophrenic experience. While everything went off without a hitch, it was somewhat less enjoyable for me than our other nine. By no means do I mean it was bad, just less good. To be "fair and balanced" the Wife disagrees (imagine that) and the kids and GDD had a ball. I try to give accurate numbers in my reviews to help others and I kid about the bills but, whatever it cost me, watching my GDD’s huge smiles everyday in the pool is well worth it.

To the good, the staff had the old Royal "We’re glad you’re here" feel despite being dog tired and crazy rushed at everything. Our cabin attendant, MDR wait staff, and such bartenders as we were able to find all did a competent to excellent job. Still, the loss of personal interaction with them was a downer.

Also to the good, the plumbing problems I read about seem to have been fixed and at no time did I run into the "International Sauerkraut Cookoff" odor anywhere. To my (admittedly often bleary) eyes, the ship is clean and well maintained.

As fore the "not so much", for the first time, the MDR ranged from almost average to truly gruesome. I already discussed everything beef but, not to be outdone (or possibly overdone), any chicken dish we tried was very much akin to chewing on a damp sponge. Now I am not a conspiracy theorist. I believe Oswald acted alone, we did land on the moon and the tri-lateral commission is just a bunch of 80 year old frat boys with a ton of money. Still, given the now annual decline in food quality I am forced to at least consider the theory that RCI wants to force passengers into the upcharge venues to get anything like a decent meal. HMMMM.

This was also the first time I noticed that there were actually times when there was not a scrap of food available anywhere on the ship. Not a cookie could be found in the late afternoons. Maybe this happened on other ships and I didn’t notice but I did this time when I tried to find a late afternoon snack for my GDD. Not a great aspect and now I read that RCI is starting a $7.95 + tip service charge for ALL room service that isn’t muffins in the morning which will make it impossible to get anything at all during down hours. Yes another small loss you might say but, for me, these small losses are getting to the point of "not worth the effort". I am not saying anything like "I’ll NEVER (fill in the blank) again", but we are once again looking at land based all inclusives and other land based vacations.

The ship itself is nicely done and, in a lot of ways, quite beautiful. Still, the odd hours at the half Viking Crown, the crowds at the bars (presumably even with 1800 adults) and the obvious understaffing are a serious deterrent to a return trip. While the wife and I prefer smaller ships (with Explorer class being our maximum preferred size) Empress appears to be too many people on not enough ship.

Note: My apologies for cutting this up so much but my thanks to Biker for helping me learn the new CC quirks.

I haven't read a word yet but all I can say is YES! Can't wait to barrel thru this.

Great review- I love the Westchester County Airport- most of my family live up that way.

Hey York, welcome. Great to see ya.

Written anything lately? Sailor Jack?

Hey York, welcome. Great to see ya.

 

Written anything lately? Sailor Jack?

Oh yes. SailorJack's outstanding Celebrity review:

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2460016

My terrible Navigator review (just got back Sunday)

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2464544

And my even worse Majesty review from last month:

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2451617

And I'm not sure if you saw my Anthem review from October:

http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=2414604

There are a couple of other great ones right now too. A&L_Ont is on the Harmony, CruiseLifeRick goes on the Navigator on Friday. Both are probably on the first page.

LOL what a hilarious review! Loved it! :D

We cruised on NCL several years ago, and the food was so bad in the MDR that I was convinced they were trying to push guests into specialty restaurants. Sorry to hear that Royal is headed the same direction. We are on the Oasis in May after taking a break from Royal for a few years. Hope I won't be sorry I'm giving them another chance. Loved your review.

I loved your review!

Random (conspiracy theory) thought: Is the understaffing due to the impending repurpose of Empress (Tampa to Cuba)?