Carinval Glory - NYC to New England... A Memoir

[PalmettoNative]

Yes, this is really how he is all the time. :cool: His sarcastic / dry sense of humour and dead-pan delivery sometimes makes people think he's either crazy or stupid (or both). Life with him is interesting, to say the least.:rolleyes::p

 

You and my wife would make great friends...apparently my humor and sarcasm has the same affect on people...but mostly people think I'm stupid. And admittedly they are indeed correct.

[PalmettoNative]

According to my mother, I’ve really beat the odds, but she tells me that it’s not really surprising. I’ve always been an over-achiever, she tells me. All of the people in the alley that night didn’t think I’d be able to climb out of the dumpster. But, I proved them wrong. They thought that since I was so small, I wouldn’t be able to reach the top of the dumpster wall to pull myself out… and definitely not with that cast on my leg. They weren’t aware of the sliding door on the side of the dumpster. I rolled out, no problem. Ok, if you hadn’t guessed it already, that last part was made up. It was more like falling than rolling.

 

Enough about me and my Glorious Childhood. Back to drink waiters.

 

I'm not pointing any fingers here, but perhaps the stench of that dumpster is keeping those waiters away...might I suggest moving further aft in the future.

[Crusin Karen]

Back in the day (do people still say this? :confused:) if I was in a bad mood, all I had to do was pick up any Dave Barry book and read a chapter....no, check that, a PARAGRAPH, and I would be laughing again. (does anyone remember this author? Whatever happened to him??) Anyway, you remind me of Dave Barry. :D With a little Erma Bombeck thrown in! ;):rolleyes:

[Delta Hotel]

We need to cruise with you! Are you this funny all of the time?

 

Good morning, Debbie. We would love to cruise with you, too! It's possible that we already have. On each ship we've been on, there are usually thousands of other people - it's quite possible that we've already cruised together. How about that for a small world!

 

As for my little memoir here, I am inserting some humor to keep it moving, but it's all true stuff, and the thoughts you're reading are real. I suppose that it's funny to other people, because they don't have to live with this quick-sand-of-insanity. Wifey's really the only thing keeping me from going blank and rocking all day long...

 

 

 

Just realized I was getting seriously depressed there... Sorry! =)

 

Now back to your regularly scheduled program. By the way, what's that smell? do you smell that?

[Delta Hotel]

This is advertising. Please read this and buy my product later without knowing why.

Edited July 15, 2011 by Delta Hotel

[Delta Hotel]

With a little Erma Bombeck thrown in! ;):rolleyes:

 

When you said Erma Bombeck, I had no idea who that was. It's already been established here that I don't read books much. I looked her up, and not only do I LOVE her stuff, she's pretty hot, too! I wouldn't mind a little Erma Bombeck thrown in, too...

[Delta Hotel]

You and my wife would make great friends...apparently my humor and sarcasm has the same affect on people...but mostly people think I'm stupid. And admittedly they are indeed correct.

 

Ya know, you kind of remind me of a guy I used to know named Andy. Not sure what it is... maybe your haircut or something.

[Princess123]

I'm not even sure why I started reading this review as I was neither contemplating a cruise on the Glory or to Canada. However I have now been successfully 'hoiked in' and am getting very strange looks in the office as I keep bursting out into gusts of hysterical laughter while staring at my computer screen. I'm going away this weekend and shall now have to take a netbook with me (my DH will be surprised but delighted that I'm voluntarily packing said equipment) so I can keep up-to-date. I'm reading this in UK and we're a few hours ahead so you have left me very concerned at the post of the scarcity of the drinks waiters ...... I hope the Editor is on standby for the next instalment so your enthralled readers don't have too long to wait.

[PalmettoNative]

Ya know, you kind of remind me of a guy I used to know named Andy. Not sure what it is... maybe your haircut or something.

 

Never been called an Andy....Ryan Reynolds maybe, sometimes even a little Mark-Paul Gosselaar, but then I promptly ask those people to open their eyes and then it's like AHHHH...Skreech Powers...that's more like it.

[Delta Hotel]

Great review so far. You have a gift.

 

Thanks Jimbo! That's a new one. I don't remember anyone ever using that particular four-letter word to describe what I have.

 

hey BEEF, read it and weep... someone thinks that my sarcasm is a gift! Eat it, Mrs. Beef!

[basketsuze]

Nevermind... Mrs. Beef just pointed out that my post made it sound like it was possible, she was already pulling out the Fun Points card and getting on the phone with her PVP. I'll just kill the fun here and say, no, we can't make it. That's the begining of 3rd quarter for me, and that's a crazy time of year at the office. I can't take off again for that long this year. We would LOVE to, you know we would, but I just can't do that again... especially with January right aroud the corner. <sigh>

 

 

Phooey! I saw your first post and got all excited, thinking, "If he's leaving it up to Shaky, then THEY'RE COMING ALONG!! WHEE!!" Then I read the post above. Yep, ya definitely KILT the fun!:D

[Delta Hotel]

During my drinking-fit on the Lido Deck Aft, the girls played quietly at the end of our table. It was mostly empty except a family of what appeared to be Eastern Europeans playing dominos a few tables away. They were an angry looking bunch. They didn’t talk much at all, about 6 of them in all. They would occasionally mutter something in another language and one or two of them would glance in our direction. Not just our “general direction” but directly at us. I made eye contact with an older man (about 60-65) with grey hair and a very dark tan, a light olive tone, and a twist of lemon.

 

He stared and I stared. I don’t know how long we stared at each other while my family and in-laws were babbling about something. I suppose we only stared at each other for a few seconds… that was long enough. It became apparent that he wasn’t going to look away first, but I’m no quitter… but I was a bit intimidated, though. Luckily, my wife or daughter called me and I looked away. They left the area later without incident. That’s good, because I would hate to get into a bar brawl on the Lido deck. The floors around the hot tubs are really slippery!

 

At some point during my drinking-fit, we decide that we’re bored of sitting on the aft deck and want to move elsewhere to continue drinking. No one in our family (in-laws included) is a heavy drinker. Perhaps some of us are heavy, and some of us drink, but we’re not heavy drinkers.

 

However, on this momentous occasion, everything was just right. We’re on a Carnival ship, which unofficially mandates that the bar and wait staff hold you down and force alcohol down your gullet if you’re not voluntarily ordering drinks. It’s Father’s Day, which we all (which consists of just me, and now you) know as “Only a holiday because Hallmark decided that Mother’s Day wasn’t enough revenue/get a tie and a dried macaroni picture” day. Dad has a free bar tab today, Wifey rarely gets drunk from drinks served by Indonesians, and I get to spend the week with my in-laws. On this day, heavy drinking is required… or mandatory, if you prefer. You remember that word, right? Mandatory? Like when you had to read aloud with an Indian accent? Yeah, good times…

 

For the record – I love my kids’ pictures, macaroni or not. Here’s the Father’s Day message that my Daughter #1 made me. She stuck it to the wall above my side of the bed with stickers, and had a green drink umbrella stuck into the corner of it. My favorite color to look at is green, so my daughters make everything for me in green.

 

 

I believe that Father’s Day changes names when you enter international waters – it becomes Alcohol-of-your-choice Day. And, me being genetically and culturally international, I will do my best to honor the name.

 

We leave the Lido Aft area and move somewhere else, I don’t remember… are you serious? Am I supposed to remember every little detail of where we go on this ship? Perhaps if I had 3 computers and a magic screen in my pocket, I could do that. As we’re in the elevator, I’m listening to the little female voice with a pleasant accent say the deck names as we arrive.

 

“Deck 8, Verandah”

“Deck 7, Empress”

“Deck 6, Upper”

“Deck 5, Promenade” (pronounced Pr-OH-men-odd by the voice)

 

We get off on 5. While standing in the elevator, I stare at the buttons. Some people stare at the doors, some people stare at the top of the elevator where the floor-level indicator is. I stare at the buttons if I’m facing forward. If I’m facing the back of the elevator because I’m the last one on – I stare directly at people. It may seem awkward, but they don’t seem to notice. Why? Because they’re all staring at something else. I look directly at them, and they almost never make eye contact. One of these days, I’m going to look at them, and make little noises or something to see if they’ll look.

 

My cabin is on Deck 1. That makes the “Deck 1 – Riviera” button, my button. Just like the family on Deck 6 – the “Deck 6 – Upper” button is their button. I sometimes feel a mixture of excitement and territorial anxiety when I see someone else hit my button. Even if I’m not going to my cabin at the time. “What are you doing with my button?” I think. “You could have just asked me if you could press my button, and I would have gladly said ‘Yes, you may’, but you didn’t even ask”. This feeling is mixed with “Hey look! Someone else is on my deck! We’re like neighbors! What’s your name? What cabin are you in? Do you have two small boys that like to scream and throw things late at night?”

 

 

 

 

As I read down the list of buttons, I notice that there’s a Deck 0… and it has no name. Every other deck has a name associated with it, but not this one. Does Deck 0 not get a name because it is extra special? Or because it’s extra un-special? What’s on Deck 0 anyway? The map only shows the Tender port, and the Medical facility. What’s on the rest of Deck 0? It must be extra special to not need a name.

[Delta Hotel]

We wander our way to the Atrium Lobby to sit and continue drinking. I think Dad and Wifey go to the bar and get another Bailey’s and another DOD. I still haven’t made it through my bucket of beer yet, but I’m trying. At one point, we’re sitting in the Atrium lobby, and I decide to lie down, just for a little while. I’m not one of those people to pass out on a hallway couch after drinking too much… like this woman.

 

 

 

This photo is actually from the Pride in January of 2011. We were on our way to the theatre after our formal night dinner, and we were running late. As I saw her sleeping there on the hall couch, I brought my camera up and turned it on to snap this picture.

 

Sorry about the blurry photo, but I never stopped moving, it was low light, and I didn’t have time to adjust my ISO.

 

When we came out of the theatre about an hour later, she was slumped up against a nearby wall with two of the ship’s security team in front of her. They had a wheelchair and were trying to help her to her cabin. She made some argument about being able to do it herself, then refused to move out of the corner. We didn’t hear what happened after that; we didn’t linger to find out.

 

So, I lean back on the chair next to Wifey, and discretely slide down to a horizontal position. While I’m down there, I take in the scenery of the Atrium. The Atrium is really an impressive area on most ships. The very first cruise we took was the Carnival Inspiration in 2005. We embarked in Tampa and the gangway took us directly into the Atrium lobby. We walked in and were stunned by that initial “Holy goat-cheese Batman, this is on a freakin’ boat?!”

 

I took this next picture while waiting for the poison to settle into my veins and muscles.

 

 

In this photo, you can see our orange Presto Bucket under my legs with my beer, and sitting on the couch-thing between Wifey and me would be the Fun Times that we lost – we actually left it right there (unintentionally) when we got up to leave. Wifey saves all of our Fun Times for her scrap-books, and this is the only one missing from this cruise. By the way, I’m the one in the blue shirt and dark tan socks.

 

In the lobby, there was a live musician playing the piano and singing. He wasn’t bad. I would give him a solid “9” on a scale of 2 to 20. We noticed that when he finished a song, no one clapped. People sitting in the lobby only a few feet away from him were treating him as if he were just “piped in” music from a radio station or something. He’s not a jukebox, people… he’s a human being, too. Think of the dolphins! Wifey started clapping at the end of a song, and it apparently guilted people into clapping along… but they weren’t happy about it.

 

As a side note, I once heard someone say that the animal rights activists are very prejudiced when it comes to “their cause”. They only make a big fuss over cute animals. Remember the big stink about the dolphins being caught in the tuna nets? It was all over the place, and they made such a big deal over it for so long. What about the TUNA being caught in the tuna nets?! You wanna know why? Because tuna are ugly. No one cares about the ugly fish. Dolphins are cute… that’s why.

 

After sitting in the lobby for a while and listening to the live music, Wifey and I stroll over to the Guest Services desk, and we tell them about last night’s incident with the family next door to us. We didn’t really want them to do anything, and it wasn’t our goal to just complain, we wanted advice as to what we should do (if anything) if it were to happen again, and them to make note of our little problem so that when they find our neighbors bound with the retractable clothesline from the shower, and gagged with their Fun Times or a towel animal’s leg, they’ll know why. The Guest Services woman (from Romania) told us that she didn’t have any cabins available to move us, and that if it occurs again, to call Guest Services immediately and they would have someone come to the room – the neighbor’s room, not ours. Very well, then. The incident is now on record.

 

Sometime in the afternoon, we see that the Fun Times listed a trivia game in the Ivory Club. Dad LOVES trivia games. He’s an avid reader, used to be in the Army (Vietnam), worked in law-enforcement for his entire life, and knows a lot about history and a plethora of useless facts. Wifey is also a lovely cornucopia of useless knowledge, overflowing with tidbits of information from all corners of the world, from classic novels, poetry, television, and Cruise Critic.

 

I, on the other hand, realize that I have a finite amount of memory space to work with, and try to purge all information which I don’t think I’ll need within the next 30 days. I have kept a core knowledgebase of useful facts that could save my life or improve my family’s life if ever we’re stranded on an island or find ourselves to be among the last humans on Earth like in that 80’s movie, “The Night of the Comet”. I try to retain information about working with tools, woodworking, construction, chemistry, physics, fire-making, water purification, building mechanical devices that do nothing, hunting, shooting, and actively maintaining a strong stomach so that I can eat just about anything and keep it down.

 

Wifey’s Mom wore a pink shirt with a rhinestone starfish to the trivia game.

[pe4all]

I also occasionally publish under my other pen name, Anita Shreve. Again, that's a secret... don't tell.

.

Funny - you don't look like a 50 something year old woman! (I just had to google that name!)

Still loving this review. I am literally addicted, checking the computer every few hours to see what other hysterical bits you have authored!:D

[leaski]

I have never enjoyed a review as much as I am this one!! You definitely have a gift!! Carnival should pay you to cruise and review each of their ships!! I am anxiously waiting on the rest of the review!!!

[Delta Hotel]

Funny - you don't look like a 50 something year old woman! (I just had to google that name!)

:D

 

Don't believe everything you see on the internet. Those are just the pictures I send to my agent to publish so that no one knows what I look like. My secret is still safe.

[Delta Hotel]

We make our way to the Ivory Club. Most of the clubs, bars, and lounges on this part of the ship have a color theme. The Ivory Club had a color name, but the room was decorated with large fake elephant tusks lining the walls, with large cushy chairs and dark tables. It had the feeling of an opium den in India. Not one of those Thai opium dens, those seem to be more of a bright red. This room was mostly browns and darker reds. I have never been in an opium den.

 

We sit down in some available chairs, and look around at all of the other trivia geeks. The room is mostly full, and the host comes to the center of the floor. The host is a young English guy, early to mid-twenties, I would guess. Dressed in his standard issue red and blue parachute, he begins to go over the rules. He told us that this trivia game would be different than most. He had a large fuzzy die with each side being a different fuzzy color. Each of the 6 sides had a large number sewn into it – numbers, not dots. I guess this is so that people can’t argue over how many dots are actually there. Or maybe it’s to cater to the international crowd by using the internationally accepted number system, instead of the heavily Americanized dot-system.

 

The room was split into large groups, eight teams in all; we were Team 7. Some teams were really large, and some teams were smaller. In this game, there’s no paper or pencil. No one writes down an answer. The host picks teams in numerical order (team 1, then 2, then 3, etc…) and calls a member of the team to the floor. They roll the 18” fuzzy die, and number that comes up will correspond to a question category. The host then asks the question from that category, and the team that was called up to roll the die gets to answer the question first. If they get it right, they get a point, and then they get a chance to roll a bonus roll which added points to your score. If other teams got the right answer, they would also get a point, but no bonus points.

 

If the team called up didn’t get the answer right, the other teams would shout out the answer, and any teams that got it right would get a point, and no team would get bonus points. This game was very poorly designed for the competitive-trivia type person. If you were willing to lie to a game-show host on a cruise ship (which at least one person in several of the groups was), you could score a point almost every time.

 

There was a family of home-schooled teenagers and their parents from New Orleans on our team. They were very polite, and did very well contributing to the trivia game. I should mention that Dad’s enthusiasm for trivia wasn’t the real motivation for coming to the trivia game. His goal here (and on every Carnival cruise) is to win one of those “24 carat gold plated piece of ship on a stick” trophies that they give away. He just figures that the trivia game is his best chance of getting one.

 

 

At the end of the trivia game, the host announced that this was Part 1 of a two-part game. The second part will take place on the last Sea Day, and points from the first game would carry over to the second That would be when the winner was awarded with their little gold ship on a stick.

 

 

On previous ships, Dad has almost put the host in a headlock while arguing the answer to a trivia question. I remember this one clearly – the trivia question was “What countries participated in the Tet Offensive during the Vietnam War?” More trivia questions followed. At the end of the questions, we began going over answers. When this answer came up, the host said “the answer is North Vietnam and the United States”. Well, Dad almost busted an artery while disputing this answer.

 

“I was at that party, and there were more than just those two.” he said to the host.

 

He wasn’t rude, and didn’t yell, but he was very insistent that the answer was more complex than just these two countries. The host insisted that the answer written on her sheet was “North Vietnam and the United States”.

 

The argument here is that there were at least 3 countries involved in the Tet Offensive – North Vietnam, South Vietnam, and the United States. If you want to argue that North and South Vietnam are two halves of the same country, then the accepted answer shouldn’t say “North Vietnam”, it should just say “Vietnam”.

 

If anyone reading this happens to be a Vietnam vet – first of all “Thank you”. Dad was an Army grunt from ‘66 to ‘67, 9th Infantry Division.

 

So, the host awarded him the points, and he won his “vessel on a trestle” trophy. This isn’t the only time that we’ve had issues with trivia games, it just happens to be one that I remember. Wifey’s family is very trivia-competitive, and I just sit back and drink. One of the old stand-by games at the family gatherings is Trivial Pursuit (all editions). You wouldn’t think that Trivial Pursuit is a lively game, but it is in this family.

[australian_girl]

Thanks, Rachel! I'm am thoroughly this, as well! And the positive feedback has been very!

 

Delta =)

 

LOL "enjoying" :D

[hockeyluver]

s. However, for some reason, this Idiot Box calls to me, even as I sleep in the cabin, it calls… “sssshhhhhh….. whooooosssshhhhh…. Whhhoooosssshhhh”. Over and over again, it calls to me all night long. Oooohhh, that amazing shiny metal siren of the seas. More on that later.HA HA I know what you mean, hubby loves the damn thing!!

 

However, I am on vacation. I glanced around to see who was around, turned back to the glass, and discretely stuck my tongue out at the boy. The boy came closer to the glass and stuck his tongue out as far as he could. I thought to myself “ah, yes… now I’ve got him, he’s just bacteria covered putty in my hands”. Again, I glanced around to see who was nearby – no one. My daughter is standing on the steps nearby, but facing away from me. I quickly lean toward the glass, pretend to lick the window in a quick movement. As planned, the boy couldn’t resist… he leaned forward and stuck his tongue on the glass and began to lick up and down on the window making slug trails as he moved along. As soon as the boy’s tongue touched the glass, I turned and walked away. Yes, yes, yes… I know that I was inciting the misbehavior of a child. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t feel proud in being able to trick an 8 year old into licking a window. Yes, I also know that I, for a brief moment, acted childish… I know you are, but what am I?

 

:p OMG you must know my hubby!!! sure enough he would do the same thing!!

 

Loving the review, Canadians dont have an accent its all you americains :p You know EH!!!! :D

[hockeyluver]

Victor Newman is on Young and the Restless LOL

 

No he went down with the ship on Titanic :p :p

 

hubby: "hey isnt he the guy on that soap you used to watch...?" lol

[Delta Hotel]

After trivia, we were left with a sucky kind of feeling. We weren’t doing so well on the points, and two of the other teams had received large bonus rolls which put them way ahead of us. We needed to walk it off, and get some air.

 

I can’t remember what happened next. It probably involved some drinks, some walking, and perhaps some time at the Idiot Box. The next thing that really happened was getting ready for dinner, then going to dinner.

 

We wandered through the ship a little more. I took some photos of the empty Amber Palace theatre (Decks 3, 4, and 5 Forward). This is actually about 6 photos “stitched” together. My widest angle lens that I carry with me is an 18mm, so I can’t get the whole theatre in one shot.

 

 

 

We come back to the room and relax for a little while. I check for an internet signal – still none. I download my latest batch of photos from my camera to my secondary laptop for safe keeping. My camera has two 32GB high-speed memory cards, so I’ve never had to actually remove photos from the card during a trip. The two cards are mirrored, so I still only have 32GB of storage space, but I do this so that in case one card fails or craps out on me, I have all of my pictures backed up on the other card. I take all the pictures and videos I want, then synchronize the contents of the card to my secondary laptop as another backup, just in case my camera gets lost, stolen, or goes overboard.

 

If you’re really observant and have a geek-streak in you, you may have noticed that I work and use my primary laptop for other functions. I store my pictures and videos on my secondary laptop because my primary doesn’t have enough space on it – it uses a 256GB SSD, and I don’t have space to dump 20-30GB of pictures and videos on it. My secondary is a traditional hard drive with hundreds of gigs available. Aren’t you glad I told you even though you didn’t ask or care? You’re welcome.

 

The girls actually really enjoy playing in the cabin. They set up their toys around their bed area and the cabin turns into a big playhouse. That sounds like they climb on the furniture and spew their toys and junk all over the room; they don’t. Their toys and stuff are contained to their bed/play area. It’s like going to a friend’s house to play – it’s just a different place to play, so it’s more fun.

 

It was getting close to dinner, so Wifey had to run her Poof Comb up to Mom and Dad’s room for Mom. Wifey took the Poof Comb, both girls, and their dresses up to Mom and Dad’s room. The girls stayed there with their dresses, and Mom agreed to get them ready for dinner. We just needed to come back before dinner and get everyone. We returned to our room to get ready for dinner.

 

Wifey got ready for dinner first. I don’t remember what happened next, so that probably means that I let my head hit the pillow. I probably woke up while Wifey was getting dressed, and she asked me to do her hair. I got off of the bed, went to my closet and pulled out my black suit. I changed from my day-time dark socks to my night-time dark socks, and put on my suit. My only real decision during this getting-ready-for-dinner process was what tie to wear, but I did need to make sure that it went with my black suit.

 

After I got dressed, which took about 2.5 minutes, I prepared to help Wifey with her hair. As usual, we had a short “discussion” about what to do with her hair. We decided on a simple French braid with the tail rolled and tucked under, and a poofy/feather comb-thing on top to “fancy it up”. Success… I made it through the French braid without having a small hair-tastrophe.

 

I threw on my dinner jacket and we headed out of the cabin. We popped up a few decks to Mom and Dad’s cabin to pick everyone up before dinner.

 

“Deck 1, Riviera” (pronounced Riv-yarrr-ah)

“Deck 2, Main”

“Deck 3, Lobby” (pronounced Law-bee)

“Deck 4, Atlantic”

“Deck 5, Promenade” (remember? It was Pr-OH-men-odd)

“Deck 6, Upper”

“Deck 7, Empress”

 

When we arrive at Mom and Dad’s cabin, I knock on the door and do my best international-housekeeping-lady impression. I have several clients in the hotel industry, and over the years, I’ve had to enter many guest rooms to work on things. I normally get a list from the front desk called the “occupancy list” which tells me if the guest room is occupied or not, and also provides additional house-keeping information like if the room is clean or dirty based on whether or not the housekeeping staff has been through there yet that day.

 

When I enter any guest room (for my work), I swipe my key, and as I open the door, I get to choose whether I announce myself as “maintenance” with a normal guy voice, or I can put on my little woman voice and say “housekeeping”. You have to exaggerate the G at the end of “housekeeping” to get the feeling right. It’s more like “housekeepinggggg-guh”.

 

Mom comes to the door and we enter their cabin. They’re almost ready to go, and Dad is on the bed watching TV. Wifey and Mom get the girls ready as I take pictures. Here’s one of Daughter #2 looking out their balcony door at the water and sunset.

 

[Kerryman50]

 

 

Very cool picture Delta.:)

[ShakyBeef]

Very cool picture Delta.:)

 

 

I love that one too. I love how she's up on her tip-toes in her tights (she hadn't put on her patent-leather "fancy shoes" yet).:o

[VickiD59]

Anyway, you remind me of Dave Barry

YES!!!!! :eek:

[Larielaren]

Loving the review! DH and I sail on the Glory for our one year anniversary Labor Day weekend. DH keeps giving me funny looks as I stare at my phone and laugh hysterically! :) Can't wait to read more!