Century Review VERY long

[ali-ali-oh]

This was a review my SO wrote I thought you might like to read.

 

Century 3 day cruise log

Captain’s log, stardate....

Oh, no, that’s another show.

 

Someone messed up, no doubt about it. We’d set off at about ten pm, Ali and I, with my daughter Angela and her boyfriend Andy taking the back seat and the rest of the car divided equally between clothing and stilettos. We’d planned to stay overnight in a Travel Lodge on the M1, and that was OK. It took us longer than we thought, with our GPS system not really helping that much.

 

In the morning we had breakfast at about ten thirty, intending to complete the leisurely two hour drive and board the Century in the early afternoon. Alas, twas not to be, thanks to an abundance of roadworks (where do they get all those traffic cones from, and why didn’t I think to buy stock in the early days?) And a jack knifed truck on the M20.

But finally we arrived at Dover and pulled up in a line in sight of the gleaming new Century, with Angela and Andy getting excited because this would be their first cruise and us getting excited because we’ve Celebrity cruised before. Eventually we reached the front of the line, I dropped off the three passengers and then followed the instructions to our prepaid car park. Roughly translated, the man said "go out the way you came in, turn right at the roundabout, right at the next roundabout and follow the signs for the Hoverspeed terminal." Maybe he should have added, "if it gets dark, you may have gone too far."

 

So I followed the directions, ending up in a queue for a car park behind other cruisers. Lots of other cruisers. I parked, and was told to join another line for a minibus back to the ship, which I could just about see in the distance. This line must have had 200 people in it. To get us all back to the ship, the Dover Port Authority had put on two minibuses, each with room for 6 passengers, and three taxis. The line was growing quicker than the transport was clearing it.'

 

I decided on a whim that a brisk 50 mile walk would be good for me, would burn off some calories and make way for my intended over-indulgence of the next few days. Actually, the walk was about a mile, I’m just after some sympathy. The weather, damn it, was gloriously sunny and oppressively humid. By the time, fuelled by my best keep-fit intentions, I reached the brow of the first road bridge, I was leaking from every pore and breathing heavily. An unseen raised paving stone gave me a stubbed toe to add to my pedestrian load. I mean, it’s typical, isn’t it? I couldn’t injure my toe in the last hundred yards to the ship - oh, no, I had to do it at the start of the walk and carry it the rest of the way.

 

I knew I was unfit, just not how unfit. By the time I was half way back, with the outline of the Century in the late afternoon sunlight seeming to recede with every step, I was slowing fast. Little old ladies with zimmer frames were stopping as they overtook me to enquire whether I was OK. Vultures circled over head and settled on lamp posts, waiting for me to falter.

 

Ali had called a couple of times on my cellphone, but hung up quickly on the last call because she thought I was one of those heavy breather calls. She said Angela and Andy had checked in rather than wait for me, and had been to the fitness centre, had lunch, beer, ice cream and champagne. Cold champagne. Kids, eh?

 

I phoned Ali again to let her know I was approaching. Another passenger, also walking past me, said, "Never mind, just think of all that cold beer," as he waved vaguely towards the ship. Then, he had to say it. Not when I was within a few minutes of getting my hands and mouth on the aforementioned beer, but when I still had serious doubts as to whether I’d actually make it in time for sailaway.

 

Eventually I reached the entrance to the cruise terminals, not more than a third of a mile still to go, and was challenged by Security as to where I was going.

"Century," I gasped, having insufficient breath for more than a couple of syllables.

"Century, eh?" muttered one of the guards. "Looks like you’re over a hundred already."

"Celebrity’s fault," said the other in a defensive tone. "They only reserved 120 spaces and 300 cars have turned up."

 

Always in defence of my favourite cruise line, I responded. "That’s why you’ve only got two minibuses, is it? Nobody thought to call for a 50 seater?" That sent them scurrying back into their little hut all right.

Off I went again, reaching like a man in the desert for the mirage that was the Century, with the sub-mirage cold beer. Finally I reached the doors and stepped into air conditioned paradise. A few people looked at my dishevelled state and clearly wondered if somehow I’d managed to have a dip in the pool before I’d actually checked in. We declined to have our photo taken before we boarded. That is to say Ali did - no way she wanted to be seen with a guy who probably looked like he was melting.

 

And then, as has happened so many times before, we crossed the threshold from ordinarypeopleland into Celebrityland, grabbing a glass of champagne as we boarded the elevator to be taken to our stateroom. If we’re honest, Celebrity welcome champagne isn’t that good, but in this case it was heaven. I didn’t drink it, of course - I pressed the cold glass against my forehead until it had all evaporated.

 

We do think the refit looks good. New carpet in the stateroom, and a CC bowl of fruit and bottle of fizz waiting there for us. No flowers, they arrived later. No luggage either, that arrived later still, but I suspect not as late as the people in that car park line. I have a sneaking feeling that when we dock back at Dover in three days’ time, some of them will still be waiting.

 

And we had a flat screen TV. Wow. It doesn’t work, mind you, unless you want to stare at a screen calling itself "Menu" or another that shows highlights of a movie in the top corner - Jim Carrey in something or other, one minute’s trailer followed by the same trailer followed by the same trailer followed by the same trailer followed by the same trailer ... you get the picture. Actually, all the menu items listed worked, or appeared to. More later.

 

We went to Guest Relations to report that the TV didn’t work, at the same time as saying we want to award our own gratuities. Watch out for that one - some small print on the daily newsletter pointed out that unless we told Guest Relations by midday of our second day, all our gratuities would be charged automatically to our stateroom account. Maybe it’s just us Brits, but we like to award gratuities in accordance with how good the service is - if we don’t get good service, the employee doesn’t get a good tip. Since the vast majority of Celebrity employees give first class service, they get good tips from us, but it’s our choice and can be given personally, in their hands, along with a heartfelt "thank you".

 

OK, gripe over, back to the TV. GR said that we needed to be back in the stateroom for when the TV repairer made his visit, so could we call please down next time we were home and they’d sort it right away. That’s what we did. I pressed the helpful Guest Relations button on the cluster of 6 or so special speed-dial buttons at the side of the phone...

 

"Thank you for calling Guest Relations," said an attractive female voice. "Your call is important to us, but we’re talking to another hotel (yes, hotel) guest at the moment. If you are calling for room service, we encourage you to use the room service ordering facility on your interactive TV. If this call is an emergency, please press the Emergency button on your phone."

 

I heard that three times before I got an answer, and was politely asked to stay in the stateroom and someone would come to program the TV.

The recorded message was a bit pointless. The room service ordering facility wasn’t even on the list of menu items on the TV. We asked at GR later and apparently it had worked for a couple of days after the refit but not since. Their technical people were "working on it". So, I guess if you want a pizza on room service you have to get more and more hungry hanging on the phone until they finish talking to that other hotel guest. Unless, or course, you just MUST have a pizza or you’ll die, which, I guess, qualifies you to press the Emergency button.

 

I’m sure it’ll be great when the technical guys fix it. Speaking of which, we were still waiting, an hour later, for someone to arrive so we could, as requested, describe the fault to him. I practised my lines and decided that "the TV doesn’t work" probably described the fault precisely. But we really didn’t want to spend the entire cruise sitting in our stateroom with no room service until the TV man decided to arrive. So I called GR back and told them as such. A few minutes later (the promptness made me believe they’d forgotten the first call) a guy in a white overall arrived, switched on, pressed a couple of buttons, announced (in a tone that made it clear he’d had to say this a hundred times before) it needed programming. Where had I heard that before? After a short call on his walkie-talkie (which ended with the word "whatever") he left, answering my desperate question, "do we need to stay in the stateroom?" with "No, they don’t need you to be in". Grrrr.

 

Back to the refit. There are plenty of areas that look like a new ship, the Martini Bar possibly being the most spectacular. And there are some areas that look like they’ve had a coat of cosmetic paint and still betray the Century’s age. Rust can be found coming through in lots of hidden places, and close examination shows that the top coat of paint has been put over paint that has corroded and pitted in the past. Despite that minor criticism (maybe they ran out of time and intend to touch up when the opportunity arrives) Ali says this is her favourite ship of the three Celebrity ships we’ve cruised on (the other two being the Constellation and the Summit). The jury’s still out for me.

 

Then we came to that highlight of any cruise, the ritualised humiliation called lifeboat drill. I know it’s maritime law, and it’s for our safety, but I still feel like an idiot walking down stairs I can’t see because I’ve got two enormous orange floats strapped above my already portly belly. I felt like a fluorescent Dolly Parton.

 

The stateroom attendant had already told us our muster point was Fortunes, and we never thought to question that, so that’s where we went, to be stopped at the entrance and told by the young crew-member there we should be assembling in Michael’s Club because our life jackets were marked for Muster Point B. Well, Alison’s was. Mine was devoid of any green tag with a muster point letter on at all. Then another crew member said we should go to the movie theatre. Apparently stateroom 9111 (notice how similar that is to 911) is on the border between lifeboat zones, which is why there was confusion. We realised that in a real emergency we’d probably have to swim for it, balanced equally between two lifeboats!

 

Sailaway.- we decided to watch our departure from our verandah and share the complementary bottle of bubbly with Angela and Andy. However, I’d seen the refit pictures and wanted to check safety first. Hadn’t they cut holes in the side of the ship and welded on balconies? Very iffy, if you ask me. So I opened the door and tentatively risked a foot. Seemed solid enough; worth risking another foot anyway. OK, safe enough for now. The view from the balconies is quite different from the M class, maybe because, if I remember right, the balconies on the bigger ships are within the lines of the hull, whereas these are bolted on outside the lines so you can’t actually see where ship joins water. Outside... meaning nothing beneath. Would it support 4 people?

 

For some reason the visibility seems better on Century than M class, maybe the M’s use frosted glass or smaller doors or something. So there was plenty of light and, it quickly transpired, some VERY noisy Brits on the two balconies next door and next door to that. One would talk and the other would say "yes" at frequent intervals. That gets boring after the first 5 hours, and we realised just how few US accents there were on the ship. We really missed that, and realised, controversially, we probably prefer the company of American cruisers to that of Brit cruisers. This was highlighted nowhere better than in the restaurants, where they were always running out of tea. Add to that the British attitude to lines, or queues as we call them. See a queue, join it, that’s the Brit rule. After all, if people are prepared to stand in line for something, whatever’s at the end must be worth having, yes? Hmm. I have to be convinced.

 

Later that day - dinner. Welcome home, Ali and Ian. This is the life! We had a waiter called Ajay - look out for him, he’s superb; he never put a foot wrong. Meals were up to the standard we have come to expect. It’s sad not to have more to say about the dining experience, but, as ever, it was first class at all meals.

 

We visited the new Martini Bar - now that was impressive. There’s a vague ocean theme about the place, using wavy lines and ever changing lights, and it turned out to be so popular I suspect they will wish they’d made it larger. First night we tried the "flight" - six very different martini samplers, each with its own distinct personality. Overhead the lights changed the hue and the mood of the room - for anyone technical, each fitting contains an array of different coloured light emitting diodes that are cycled to present different shades in rotation. The water wall behind the bar proved both eye-catching and restful, and the rather gimmicky ice bar didn’t particularly impress.

 

And so to bed. To sleep, perchance to dream. The beds, so as to fit the stateroom profile, I’d guess, are curved at the end where feet normally go. That means that the edges are shorter than the middle. Fine, unless, like me, you’re a few inches over six feet tall. Taking the huge collection of pillows off helped. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many scatter cushions outside a department store. I know in CC class you are supposed to have a pillow menu, but I would have felt embarrassed to ask for more pillows - I had visions of dreaming of being attacked by marsh mallows in my sleep.

 

As for the rest of the room, it looks good, with tasteful artwork (as with the rest of the ship, much better, from my ill-educated tastes, than the M class oddities) and plenty of storage. It was clear the fitting of the wardrobes was rushed and badly designed - the bases just didn’t fit and looked like they’d been hammered in place. The shower room looks ok, though we did find out that when you have a shower you also soak the entirety of the bathroom floor - as designed, according to the stateroom attendant, something I find very difficult to accept. The surface-mounted wash handbasins look good, but are not very practical - its far too easy to splash water everywhere.

 

We ordered breakfast on our verandah each morning - using the forms you hang on the door, remember, the TV still didn’t work. That was a bit of a disaster, mainly, I suspect, because of an unusually poor assistant attendant. After all, surely two "hard boiled" eggs and two over easy fried eggs sounds simple enough. No reason, then, to expect no fried eggs at all and two "boiled" eggs that had obviously had a speed-dating session with boiling water but with a clear no-touching rule. We didn’t peel them so much as empty them out; and I hate snotty eggs! For whatever reason, the smoothies were like pre-McDonalds milk shakes, insipid and watery. The ones we’d had in our Constellation Suite on the recent TA were much thicker and better.

 

But eating on the balcony (after I jumped up and down on it a few times in case the welds had weakened overnight) was a great experience, especially with the glorious whether we had.

 

We went ashore at Guernsey and saw something that, perhaps more than anything else, served as a reminder of the Century’s age, namely the tender. For a start, it leaked, quite seriously, soaking the woman next to us every time the waves splashed up on the windows and leaving a wet floor throughout. The little sign that said "animals please line up two by two" was a giveaway too.

 

Murano’s - the new speciality restaurant - is a lot different from the Ocean Liners theme, being much lighter and more airy, but with a very similar menu. Only one complaint - while they were serving out our steaks they left our vegetables neatly arranged on unwarmed serving plates, with the predicable result that they were cold. The price of the "menu exceptional" has rocketed, too - according to the menu it is an extra $100 per head if you want the full 6 courses with the wine, but I’m sure the maitre d’ said it was $145 per head - it matters not as we had the a la carte or whatever it’s called.

 

You’ll be pleased to learn that debarkation was slick and quick from both Celebrity’s and Dover’s viewpoints. And that our verandah didn’t collapse. We’re happy to accept your collective thanks for test-flying the balconies at such great personal risk and potential sacrifice.

 

Don’t have any concerns, people (despite what may seem as my few negative comments) - the Century is a good ship.

[Karynanne]

Ian, wonderful review...Is this Act I?

 

Karyn

[dmk]

Thanks for your charming and amusing review.

[soooo excited!]

sidesplitting review ! I loved it - by the time I got to 'Dolly Parton' I was really laughing ; then I lost it completely over the 'round corners' and 'pillows' on the bed; when I got to 'the eggs' I was wiping my eyes.

I'm new to this site, our first cruise next year on The Summit - but I'm reading lots of threads - to learn lots - and just in case we do (wishful thinking) get to cruise a 2nd time ! your subtle message of imperfections on your cruise gets through, but it was a delight to read !

[Karynanne]

duplicate

[kruisecat]

Loved the review! Hope you have recovered from your "exercise program" at the beginning of the voyage.;)

 

Christine

[gkm]

Charming!!! Just what we expected of you. Thank you.:D :D :D

 

Garry

[mollyanne]

I have read hundreds of reviews and this was clearly among the best! Thanks for entertaining me tonight!

 

mollyanne:) :)

[Andy]

Hi Ali !

 

Thanks for the great review. I am glad to see that all is well on Century.

[signman]

AliW, I've only read up to where you boarded the ship, but I wanted to immediately tell you that unless you are a writer, then you might be in the wrong profession. Yours has to be one of the finest pieces ever posted to these boards. Now back to the story.

[bpolan]

Thats the best written and funniest review i've ever read. Now we really can't wait for Aug 2 to come, when we board her!!!

bp

[julinue]

Very Well written !

Thanks so much for such an entertaining review...I am sore from laughter.

I do appreciate your personal sacrifice on my behalf and now feel better about the balconies!

Thank you!!

Juli

[slotaddict]

come on Ali, there has to be more. Surely there is something that you left out. When you have the dinner at Murano's ala carte, what is the price?

[cechase]

AliW - am still laughing and have tears in my eyes from reading this really remarkable review. It was so well written and so humorous, that I would probably have paid just for the opportunity to read it!

 

Love Brit humor.

[goofysmom99]

Ali, Mike & I read the review and were just howling! Tell Ian that he has really outdone himself! And we loved your photos on the other roll call, too. Thanks for taking the time to post all the information! VERY much appreciated!:D

[joelmarj]

Bravo Ian!!!!! (aka Aliw). Sneaky of you posting under dear Ali's id, but the writing is so clearly you!! Thank you for the belly laughs. I'm not sure what did it more for me, the visual of Dolly Parton or the attack of the marshmallows!!!

[Offtune Angel]

Brilliant! You have a gift for writing that puts the reader right beside you -- stubbing toes, evaporating champagne, perspiring and toiling up bridges that effectively double the length of the original '50 miles' estimate to the ship. I swear I felt that cold blast of air-conditioned heaven when you finally crossed into the ship. My favourite bit was when the two guards scuttled back into their hut -- I know, you said scurry but I pictured scuttle. Well done!!!

 

Terry

[Sparkle 123]

Hi Ali

What a great review, your other half obviously has a gift for writing! Had to laugh reading about the parking fiasco at Dover. It was so frustrating having to wait with the bags whilst the husbands went to park the car. We could see the ship and everyone enjoying the sunshine on the decks but we couldn't check in till the car was parked! Once we were on board though we felt like we were "home". I do think the more you cruise the more addictive it becomes.

Glad you enjoyed the Century, it is our favourite ship so far even though it has been refubished it still has the same special onboard atmosphere that was there before. By the way the Captains Club UK did manage to make my reservation for Muranos, there was a card in our cabin when we arrived so I was pleasantly surprised!

[C 2 C]

I am disappointed that you don't cruise more often. Best review I've read but sad I haven't seen more of them. Well done.

[Andy&Mary]

Awesome review! :)

 

Thanks for testing the balcony (and all the other helpful tips)!

 

I'm so glad the food was excellent; the positive food reviews are outnumbering the negative ones, which is great.

 

Mary

[excitedofharpenden]

Ian, there aren't many occasions when a review has me laughing out loud, but this was one of them. Thanks for writing it in an informative and witty way. I hope that you have recovered from your sightseeing tour of Dover Port.

 

Phil

[ali-ali-oh]

Thank you all for your kind comments regarding the Century review.

 

I just have one question - Why aren't any of you publishers or literary agents? :cool:

 

Ian

[Julie Jean]

Hi Ali and Ian

 

Great review - was wondering how the cruise went!

 

Julie Jean (and Vas!) :)

[GramaFran]

Thanks for your reviews - Ian you had us LOL!!!!! I am so glad to hear all about the Century we sail on her in Sept.

thanks,

Francine

[lysolqn]

What a refreshing review - honest and well-balanced, informative and delightfully light-hearted. It's so nice to hear from someone who took the little bumps in stride and opted to leave "the sky is falling" or "the world according to Celebrity is coming to an end" routine to someone else. Thanks.