Expectations vs Reality; or There and Back Again – A Dude’s Holiday

[Staceman225]

This is a review (of sorts) for the Fascination trip that departed May 24 from Jacksonville, Florida bound for Half Moon Cay and Nassau.

 

Let’s start with a little background so you can see where we are coming from. My wife and I met while in high school (she was in 8th grade, I was in 10th). We are now in our early 40s. This cruise was without the kids – ages 22, 12, and 2 (oops). No, that is not a type-o. We expect to be expecting in about 8 more years. :) We are really easy going and easy to please. For some reason, everyone calls me “Dude” - even my kids. Weird. This was our third cruise. Our first was on the Elation when it ported at Mobile. The second one and this one were on the Fascination out of Jacksonville. We book out of ports closer to home more than for certain ships or ship types.

 

OK, enough background. This is not going to be your normal cruise review. Almost everyone has read a ship review, seen the food porn, and cruised vicariously through the words of others. Since this was our third cruise, we wanted to try a few new things while cruising. Anytime you try something new, you research and use your past experience to form expectations. Then, those expectations ram headlong into reality. Those collisions gave birth to these reviews. The “Expectations” parts were actually written before we left. Some of them were even written weeks before. Enjoy.

 

Early getaway

Though technically not part of the cruise, road trips always have the potential for fun and merriment.

We live in northeast Alabama. We decided to head to Jacksonville as our port of departure since it is only about a 6 -7 hour drive. Our cruise was a Saturday to Thursday trip. I was able to take the previous Friday and the entire cruise week off from work. My wife is a school teacher. The previous Friday is their last day of school. Usually, on the last day students have a “last day” party and are released early. This should have us leaving town at around 1:00.

Expectation:

We should be able to drive to Jacksonville in about 6 to 7 hours. This puts us in Jacksonville at about 7:00 to 8:00. We have read rave reviews of a little seafood place called Chowder Teds that is very close to our hotel and we LOVE seafood. However, they are only open until 8:00. If we limit our pit stops (“use the coffee can in the back seat”) and use speed limits as merely speed suggestions, we should be able to get there in time to enjoy Chowder Teds. However, we will be driving through the traffic wildcards of Atlanta and Macon, so who knows? We do have a backup plan - there is a Wendy’s next to our hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-Wendy’s but a pre-packaged fish filet sandwich can’t compare to a fresh Cajun shrimp po boy. (I am in no way affiliated with Chowder Teds or any of its subsidiaries. Same goes for Wendy’s.)

Reality:

Alas, we were foiled by the Traffic Monster that is Atlanta. Any other day traveling through Atlanta at 2:00 or 3:00 PM would not be *that* bad. But the Friday before Memorial Day weekend seems to have brought out many more nuts than normal. We didn’t reach out motel until about 9:30. Knowing we were going to be much later than expected we decided to stop earlier on I10 and go with plan C - Zaxby’s. This was taken the next day before boarding. Sadly, this was as close as we would get to Chowder Teds.

 

Balcony – Leaving Port

On our previous cruises, we had ocean view rooms. This will be our first trip with a balcony. On our previous cruises, we would get to the highest deck where we could still get some standing room by the rail. Port Mobile is right on the ocean so there isn’t much to see after a few minutes. While leaving JaxPort, you spend a while sailing down the St Johns River before hitting open water. Also, you pass under the interstate 295 bridge that spans the St Johns River. It is really neat to see how close the funnel comes to touching the bridge.

Expectations:

After we watch a few layers of red and blue paint get scraped off we will go to our cabin, uncork a bottle of wine, relax on the balcony, and watch the world pass by. Let the Dude’s holiday begin! Oh, and the wife’s holiday too.

Reality:

Our muster station was about midship. We were in the last group to muster so we were on the outside of the wall of flesh. When the whistle blew notifying muster was over, we were easily able to make the stairs to the Sun Deck. It was perfect. We were almost right in the middle for the bridge scene.

After the bridge, we went below and uncorked a bottle. This was fabulous. It was sooo relaxing just watching the houses go by. My binoculars came in handy. Wife enjoyed the updates of the patio furniture of the houses we passed.

In my opinion, the balcony is worth the price if you can swing it. On a side note, the same people that would stab you in the eye with a magic marker during car traffic suddenly feel the need to wave to you if you are on different boats. Why is that? We got waves and a few “woohoos” from the boats we passed while on the river – small, large, and one massive container ship. I guess we’re in some water-borne fraternity now and *wave* “Wooooooo!!!” is like a secret hand shake.

[Staceman225]

Diet

A few months ago my wife became an Episcopalian. That means the only meat she eats is fish. Wait…pescetarian. Yeah, that’s the word. Pescetarian. It has been a very successful diet for her. And because she buys the groceries, I have become an Episco…err…pescetarian too.

Expectation (my expectation, not hers):

Dude: Look. They have Caesar salad and stir fry veggies.

Wife: Are you serious? I want steaks and burgers and pepperoni pizza and maybe a corndog! This is a CRUISE, Dude!

Reality:

She did MUCH better than I expected. On a few buffet meals she added salami to her salad. She had a hamburger at the HMC beach BBQ. Then she had a steak and eggs brunch on the last sea day. Beyond that it was all fruits, veggies, and fish (and a few Miami Vices). I was so proud. Oh, and if you’re going to Nassau, I highly recommend conch fritters. Pick any restaurant/sidewalk stand/man with a deep fryer on the curb. Almost ALL of them sell conch fritters.

 

Balcony – Morning

Expectations:

The previous night, we order a room service breakfast. We wake up (when we please, not by being kicked by a 2-year-old) and eat our breakfast on the balcony. Then we have a little snuggle time while we review today’s Fun Times and decide what we want to do that day. We remark how much free time we have without the kids.

Reality:

This was nice. Coffee,juice, a croissant, and a fruit tray while watching the deep blue pass by is the perfect way to start a day. The only problem was being downwind from a smoker. By day five we were remarking on how much we missed the kids. This wore off about 20 minutes after we picked them up.

[Staceman225]

Drinks

I am not a drinker. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I’ve tried many drinks but I just don’t like the “alcohol taste”. However, my wife does. She is not a “drunk by muster” type by any means, but there are a few drinks she does like. Margaritas and apple ales are her favorites. This cruise, she intends to be a little more adventurous with her drink selection. Maybe something with lots of fruit. And umbrellas. Lots of umbrellas. Maybe 5 or 6.

Expectation:

Drunk by muster.

Reality:

She was not drunk by muster. Most of her drinks were not even very strong. I will break these down by drink.

Fun Ship Special - Yay! Alcohol. Next. It was red and contained a little alcohol.Nothing more to see here.

Miami Vice - After a few sips of this homewrecker, Wife’s eyes rolled back and her toes curled...I thought I should give them some alone time. This is her new favorite drink.Not very strong but very tasty.A half and half swirl of daiquiri and pina colada.

 

Hurricane Wave - This was also a favorite. However, this didn’t stand up to the Miami Vice. Nice, cold, and fruity.

Mimosa - It was fizzy (her words, not mine). She had this with her brunch. She said it made her feel like a southern belle. She seemed to like it.

Kalik Gold – Kalik is the beer of the Bahamas. She had one at Conch and Kalik at Nassau. In her words – “It was a beer.” I guess it just wasn’t a Miami Vice.

Margarita - Her old standard. This was probably the strongest drink she had this trip. The drink was good. The company and the music at the Atruim bar made the experience a lot better. Including the swim trunks/straw hat/flip flops/bath robe guy - and the people stealthily taking ninja pictures of the guy.

Punchliner - It looked like blue Koolaid but was not sweet like koolaid. It did not live up to the hype that had been built around it by CD James.

In order of favorite to least favorite: Miami Vice, Miami Vice, Miami Vice, Hurricane Wave, Miami Vice, Mimosa, Miami Vice, Margarita, Kalik Gold, Fun Ship Special, Punchliner, Miami Vice.

[Staceman225]

Balcony – At night

Expectations:

Each night, we would latch our balcony door open with our handy dandy bungee cord and drift off to an exhausted bliss with the sounds of the majestic waves in the background. It’s so peaceful you can barely hear me snoring.

Reality:

It’s too hot. Close the door.

 

Blackjack

My wife and I grew up with little money. Gambling was just a faster way to loose what was too hard to come by. On our first cruise, we limited ourselves to $10 each in the casino. Since we were not big gamblers, we stuck to the slots. The cruise gods were with us and between us we were about $100 to the good. We immediately quit and claimed victory over Lady Luck and all of her one-armed demon minions. On the second cruise, we had the same $10 limit. Alas, we will call these the Dark Days of Lady Lucks Revenge and speak of it no more. This time, we want to bite the bullet and play a little blackjack.

Expectations:

I enter the casino decked in my finest suit (I only own one), my lovely mistress on my arm in her most glamorous evening gown (no jokes here, she may read this). I stroll up to the blackjack table with my lemonade in hand – shaken, not stirred. As I sit at the table, my nemesis sits down across from us, stroking his fluffy white cat. I introduce myself as Braxton. Dude Braxton. After some witty banter, I put my entire stack of chips on the table. Yes, all $10! The nervous looking dealer deals me my hand – BLACKJACK!!! I promptly do a little superiority dance (nod to Dana Carvey the Church Lady), regain my composure, take my winnings, and head to the art auction. Then, out of nowhere, we are attacked on all sides by ninjas… I know it’s a stretch but I have a vivid imagination. I mean how would the ninjas get throwing stars on the ship?!?!

Reality:

We are so sad. We were at the casino early on our first sea day. The tables weren’t open yet so we fooled around with the slots. We were over ambitious with the slots and we lost our “seed” money. After losing that much, we were too chicken to go back to the casino. It was such a big build up for such a letdown. I guess some people just shouldn’t gamble.

 

At the Half Moon….Half Moon Cabana

We went to Half Moon Cay on our last cruise and it is absolutely paradise on earth. This time, we decided to rent a cabana and kick it up a notch. Bam! And by the way – For those that have been there, what’s up with the chickens around the BBQ pavilion?

Expectations:

As we walk to our cabana, the music from the pirate ship bar fades into the distance. It is as though we have a private beach with a gorgeous view of sand, blue, and the Fascination out in the bay. It’s like all of the good parts of Gilligans Island. As we arrive at the cabana, Bruno, the heavily muscled Austrian kickboxer, leads my wife to her salon chair. There, he gives her a massage while a horde of “beauty technicians” give her a mani/peti and feed her grapes and such. Meanwhile, a Brazilian bikini model and I kick back in hammocks discussing how my Auburn Tigers will stack up against the rest of the SEC this season. Hey, it could happen.

Reality:

The relaxation level was close to my expectation. This thing is amazing. Air conditioner, shade, ceiling fan, misting oscillating fan, tons of snacks and drinks, table and 4 chairs, two lounge chairs...awesome. Combine this with the amazing beach and this was the most relaxing beach day ever. When we got our beach BBQ buffet, we brought it back to eat on the loungers. Worth every penny.

 

Nassau - Ardastra Gardens

Last time we were in Nassau, we stayed near the port. We hit the straw market, Senor Frogs, and a few other local places. The fact that we were there during the remnants of a tropical storm had a lot to do with that. It was storming so badly that day that our snorkeling excursion got canceled. On this cruise, we had not really planned on doing an excursion. However, Carnival gave us a one-time promotional upgrade of on-board credit for excursions. My wife will have to fill in the details on that one. (Wife here…..it was just a sale….100.00 OBC for excursions booked on board only. Use it or lose it kind of thing!) Anyway, we decided to take the Ardastra Gardens tour. This tour takes you on a cultural/historical tour of Nassau that also includes Ardastra Gardens – which is a park and a small zoo.

Expectations:

As per the excursion description, we are taken to several points of cultural and historical interest in the city of Nassau – several buildings of political and historical significance. Then we are taken to the zoo. I expect to see some exotic animals native to the Bahamas, such as the Half Moon Cay chickens.

Reality:

This was MUCH better than expected.We started late after waiting on some people that probably still had their watches set to central time. It was about a 10 minute drive to the park. Our tour guide and driver was Derrick. There were only about 40 or so exhibits and the majority of them birds. The pride of the zoo is the troupe of marching flamingos. Using voice commands and a strong flock impulse, the “drill sergeant” would march the birds around the arena. Volunteers are even given an up close and personal interaction with them.

There was also a lorry parrot feeding exhibit. They are beautiful!

The whole park is engulfed with native flora. This gives the park a “carved from the jungle” rustic feel. Since we were already running late, Derrick said we have a hard departure time of 12:45. This gave us over an hour to see a 2-acre zoo. At 12:45, we left. At 12:46, a couple realized they had been left behind. Lucky for them, a second tour was following the same path as us and they caught up with us when we stopped for a few minutes at Fort Charlotte. Derrick really dove deep into Bahama/Nassau culture. It was fascinating. The thing that struck us most about Nassau and the gardens was the vibrant colors. The flowering plants were so bright it was breathtaking. This excursion was far better than expected. It only lasted about 2 hours so there was still plenty of time to hit Conch and Kalik, the straw market, etc.

[Staceman225]

Karaoke

I don’t sing. My singing voice sounds like someone is trying to strangle a goose with a frog. However, Wife sings wonderfully. Technically, karaoke isn’t anything new to us. We have karaoked (is that a word?) on each cruise. But, like Forrest Gump said, life is like a box of chocolates. Since each cruise has a completely different batch of hazelnut crèmes, I decided to review it here.

Expectation:

I expect this karaoke to be like most others – like the first few episodes of American Idol. There will be the good, the bad, and the “bless their heart”. But it takes courage to get in front of strangers and perform so I applaud any that do. (I am in no way affiliated with American Idol or any of its subsidiaries.)

Reality:

The reality was exactly the same as the expectation. There was some real talent aboard. Then there were some with not so much talent. Then there was “dread-lock girl”. We saw her several times throughout the trip. A blond girl of about 16 or so with dreads sort of sticks out in a crowd. During the live band karaoke, she quietly and meekly took the stage. Then when the band started, she proceeded to sing “Baby Got Back”. But, not happy with the Sir Mix-A-Lot version, she attacked us with a scream-o version while jumping around the stage. I was simultaneously fascinated, delighted, and horrified. As the song is very verbose, she mumbled through some of the lyrics. Apparently exhausted from her dancing and the length of the song, she eventually simply sat down in front of the monitor for the songs finale. What a performance piece! Sorry I missed a pic of her. I was blindsided by this. Here is Wife singing. She didn’t dance.

 

Board games

We have recently purchased a board game (Tsuro by Calliope Games) for our family game night. It is really easy to learn and play. We decided to take this game with us and play while beside the pool or on the promenade. Should a fellow cruiser be interested, we will gladly welcome them to join in. You can learn the rules in just a couple of minutes. (I am in no way affiliated with Calliope Games or any of its subsidiaries.)

Expectations:

I think it will be like one of the first people in a crowded area with a tablet or Google Glass or any other new gadget. People will flock to see the new item and want to experience it firsthand. It will be such a popular item the captain will ask us to put it away because it is causing a safety hazard (not affiliated, Google, blah blah).

Reality:

While we didn’t have people flock to see what we were playing, we did meet two very nice ladies, who seemed interested in our game so we asked them if they wanted to play. And they did. We played a few games. Even something as boring as a board game is 125% cooler when you are on the ocean.

 

The Gym

Expectation:

They have a gym? With exercise equipment? Really?

Reality:

They have a gym? With exercise equipment? Really?

 

Binoculars

I have read in other places that a pair of binoculars on a cruise lets you see all manner of things from sea life to other boats to islands. Specifically for this trip, I purchased a pair of $20 binoculars from Walmart. (I am in no way affiliated with Walmart or any of its subsidiaries, although sometimes I feel I should get my paycheck direct deposited to Walmart….)

Expectations:

From the Sun Deck…

Dude: Hey! Look! A dolphin!

Dude: And there’s another cruise ship. Can’t make out which line she’s with though.

Dude: Wow! I wonder if those are real…

Wife: *smack*

Dude: Uhh…I mean Oh look! A lighthouse!

Reality:

This was the best investment I have ever made. They were cheap but still made for some great views. As stated before, I used them a lot while sailing down the river. After that, I looked at passing ships and islands. At one point there were seven ships within sight of our balcony. All were cargo ships except one - a RCCL ship. I could even see the movie they were playing on their Lido deck big screen. I spent quite a bit of time looking at ships, islands, and yachts – no sea life though.

[Staceman225]

General notes and musings

Front of the line–On our first cruise (Progresso/Cozumel) we did not have FTTF. We thought embarkation was always supposed to be a pain in the butt. On our second cruise (Nassau/HMC) we did have FTTF. The only real benefit we had was that we were on the first tender at HMC. That alone was worth it. On that cruise we arrived at JaxPort early enough that there were no lines to speak of. There were only a few people in the port anyway but we practically walked on to the boat. On this cruise, we were a little later getting to the port. The place was packed. However, we were escorted to the front of every line. Holy cow! Breezing through the port and being on the first tender to HMC – FTTF is worth it.

 

The Love Boat lied to me. There was a distinct lack of hijinks on this cruise. No one trying to hide a dog from the captain, no one having to get married or loose the family inheritance, no lecherous doctor, no one trying to keep three girlfriends from seeing each other…well …I’m not exactly sure about the last one. Also, the cabins on the Love Boat are HUGE!!! How can I stay in a cabin the size of The Passage To India lounge?

 

Preparedness – On every cruise we pack a first aid kit. Ibuprofen, Naproxen Sodium (I have arthritis), Tums, Gas-Ex, Neosporin, Band-Aids, etc. (I am in no way affiliated …never mind) We have yet to actually use any of these items. But at this point, I’m afraid to NOT pack them. The one cruise I don’t pack the kit I’ll get gas, a fever, and a blister ten minutes after boarding.

 

Vanilla Ice –We were very excited about departure so we woke up Saturday a lot earlier than we had anticipated. We knew the port would not be open for hours so we drove to the beaches north of Jacksonville. The port was closed, Yo, so we continued to A1A, Beachfront Avenue.

(My apologies to all who got that…)

There are several state parks along that highway. We stopped at one and walked to the beach. What an amazing sunrise.

This was a perfect start to a perfect vacation. On the way back we were still early so we drove over interstate 295 where it crosses over the St Johns River. We would soon be sailing under it. Driving up this bridge is like driving up a mountain.

 

Thor – As our daughters weren’t going with us, they asked us to take Traveling Thor along for pictures. Traveling Thor is a one-inch tall plastic figurine of the comic character. As he could easily fit in my shirt pocket, he went EVERYWHERE with us. We ended up with tons of Thor pictures.

Thor playing bingo.

Thor at Half Moon Cay

Thor with our favorite head waiter Fritz

Thor sporting a tie for formal night

 

Catch phrase and theme song – I once read somewhere that all great trips have a catch phrase and a theme song. This vacation was no different. We ended up with two catch phrases:

1. Where’s Thor? (see above)

2. That ain’t right. (Google comedian John Wesley Austin – our ship’s comedy headliner)

Likewise, there were two theme songs:

1. Ice, Ice, Baby (for some reason, we heard this song about 5 or 6 times on the trip. Weird.)

2. Baby Got Back. (See karaoke)

 

Kissing Cousins – This trip we watched more shows than in our previous cruises. We watched the stand-up comedy shows, the “Minute to Win It” show, the hairy chest competition, the “newlywed game”, the Hasbro show, and the review/sing and dance shows. I had heard some of John Wesley Austin’s material before and was thrilled that he would be there. He didn’t disappoint. He was VERY funny. The other shows were great too. James, our CD, was very quick witted. But on the “Newlywed Game”, the couple that had been married 25 years said that they met at a family reunion. James was speechless.

 

Final wrap up – Originally, this cruise was supposed to be about trying new things – going, doing, trying. Instead, this trip turned out to be about relaxing more and doing less. The relaxing trip down the river to open water set the tone. We watched more shows, spent more time on the serenity deck, and lounged by the pool more than our other cruises. Doing nothing at all is as great as it is made out to be.

[Hitech_AO]

sorry, I didn't read far enough!

Edited June 7, 2014 by Hitech_AO

[libtrek]

Oh, post more, please. I LOVE your writing style. You guys sound like someone we'd like to cruise with, would even play board games. Carry on. . .

[TheVirgins]

Loved reading about your escapades!

[sewut]

Expectations:

As per the excursion description, we are taken to several points of cultural and historical interest in the city of Nassau – several buildings of political and historical significance. Then we are taken to the zoo. I expect to see some exotic animals native to the Bahamas, such as the Half Moon Cay chickens.

 

 

For some reason, maybe it's past my bedtime, this hit my funnybone. Half Moon Cay chickens ... I can't stop laughing. Btw that's my cabana you are in, Dude. We had it last December when we were there with our DD, DSIL, and 4 DGC. My DGS2 fell asleep on one of the mats while floating out in the ocean with me. HMC was the best day ever.

 

Loving your review.

[tinyrose]

Hey, Dude! LOL

 

I loved your review. Great idea using expectations vs. reality. Nice touch.

[sprint180]

Enjoyed your review. Glad you had a good time.

[SailingRNC]

Really Dude, Really? :)

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad Air using Forums

[champagne123]

Great review Dude. LMAO.....

Dude: I wonder if those are real...

Wife: SMACK

You are a RIOT.

[Name Of The Game]

Very amusing review, Dude! :cool:

[cruisin_baker]

Perfect review! The "expectations vs. reality" should be done more often in reviews. How many times have we been terribly disappointed or wonderfully surprised on a cruise?! Loved it.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Forums mobile app

[SMSACE6]

This is a fun read! Thanks for your review:)

[elainmir]

I was hysterical reading this..loved the A1A Vanilla Ice reference...I'll be singing Ice Ice Baby the rest of the day!:D

[SondraC]

Entertaining read! Thanks for posting!

[KirkNC]

Thanks for the report!

[reerun25]

Really enjoyed the "review"!

[Writerfl]

If you weren't an Episcopalian Pescatarian I'd say "well done" but I know the trauma that would cause. Excellent review!

[OnePsychLynne]

I think this was one of the best reviews I've EVER read on here. I could NOT stop laughing. The picture of Thor sporting a tie is over the top hilarious!

 

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4

[OnePsychLynne]

Btw...can your wife tell us what's in the Hurricane Wave?

 

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4

[Vigorosity]

Btw...can your wife tell us what's in the Hurricane Wave?

 

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4

 

Half banana daquiri and half hurricane. ALL delicious!

 

Also, this review was stellar!!!