.......idle jottings continued

[MillieRyan08]

Madeira.

First port of call and maybe, just maybe, not the last.

Aha !

Again a grey start but the waters have calmed to wave heights barely 0.5m high.

The air remains lovely and temperatures reach a peak of around 24C by the time Captain Remi gives his noon report.

 

"This is the Captain from the bridge, good afternoon ladies and gentle......men (he elongates this appellation: no, no idea why. Dramatic effect maybe. They all do it: Steinar, Lund, Willassen when he was here. Maybe it's a tradition. Maybe it's a Norwegian thing. Breaks up the ever ending dullness. Shall Hum continue ?). Our position is 35 minutes blah blah, sea temperature is 22C and air temperature is 24C. Nearest land is Morocco, 200 miles away. We are sailing at 10 knots and hope to arrive at noon tomorrow. I wish you a pleasant day and enjoyable lunch"

 

Hum imagines the Captain sitting in his vest and underpants in his room with an open beer, bleary eyed from the previous night's excesses !

It is imagined this way by Hum due to the Captain's laconic style in delivering information. As Hum said before: every Captain Hum has sailed with gives the report in this manner.

Padding out information and delivering it mostly monotone except for the "gentle.....men" part.

 

Of course it is a scandalous suggestion and totally not true, Hum a tually happened to witness our Captain scurrying along the deck outside the senior crew deck (deck 5) with his arm around the shoulder of the Hotel Manager in a comradely and accessible and supportive manner.

It was nice to see and Hum's growing respect for our Captain increased a tad more.

Our Hotel Manager has a lot on his shoulders (not just the Captain's supportive arm).

There are a lot of Club Members.

They are two waiters down (separate issues and nothing to do with the ship).

They have to be prepared for a USPH inspection and there is probably extra cleaning: certainly there are more inspections.

And there are one or two other things going on (classified. Sorry you don't have security clearance BUT for the premium service, this is available after subscriptions are arranged).

And yet, he (HM) passes around, enquiring about the welfare of his guests in a familiar ease.

Our maitre d' has been pressed into additional waiting duties which he bears with aplomb though "schmoozing" time has been rationed: such a shame, he is one of the most accomplished "schmoozers" and extremely handsome, well spoken, impeccably mannered and refined but with an ease about him.

Total class.

 

Where do they find their personnel ?

A lady in Oslo called Ursula is the seer of souls or was, she has recently retired but a new chap sounds promising but will he have her uncanny ability to select "good 'uns" and occasionally "great ones".

Hum asks himself, how is it that Crystal, with all their corporate intelligence, not be able to select even a half decent crew for waiting and bar positions (other positions are excellent) for their one small ship (Esprit) when this lady can find such talent or burgeoning talent.

Hum has always been impressed by this ability: it is a remarkable talent.

 

Some people go on SD voyages to visit itineraries, Hum and Blondie go on SD voyages to visit amazing crew personnel !

Our lives have been enriched so much by them and memories of former crew will forever remain with us (fortunately we remain in contact with a few in their next incarnation: we are the one's feeling privileged).

 

What shall we do in Madeira ?

 

Some want tea at Reids (famous for Winston Churchill as a guest) but they will have to wear a jacket and maybe even take a tie too. It is gloriously British or it was, Hum visited over 20 years ago. Madeira had always been a favourite with a certain class of British, now even the Dutch go there. Popular with the Baron's countrymen too as they hike along the "levadas" (irrigation channels that abound the island) in regimented lines, always donned with outdoor gear in this year's "Bavarian Hiking Ware".

 

Of course there are dozens of restaurants, mostly seafood (famous for the "Espada" fish: pretty tasteless if the truth be told. Best in a stew with tomatoes). But a former Portugese waiter told Hum about a famous preparation for steak. That with a robust Douro from the mainland would be brilliant.

Hum had it and the wine: superb.

 

On the previous visit (two years ago) we arrived a month or so after torrential rains which had dis-lodged huge boulders from the hills and which were seemingly mostly deposited on the main roundabout from the port to the town of Funchal.

Now we are visiting after terrible fires had ravaged the upper settlements of the capital: again more devastation.

Hum hopes that suspicious locals and practitioners of the "Black Arts" don't suggest that Hum is the cause of these acts of God. Hum would respond he hardly knows the man (God that is), he never takes Hum's calls and for all Hum knows Jim hasn't reported ever being "smitten" despite regular supplications (especially following his recent suggestion of being too busy for you dearest of chums. Outrageous).

 

Madeira is a tourism success phenomena but with all successes there is a price to pay: just too many of us (tourists, that is). This once quiet, unique backwater has been discovered and the white painted concrete block houses creep ever upwards to the hills overlooking Funchal displacing the many vineyards that once were there and were worked by locals. Now the sons and daughters hire out scooters in the capital and the old ways are declining.

 

"Progress" on the island has largely been due to European Union grants and up until recently Hum and the rest of his fellow islanders, ruddy well paid for it !

And are the Portuguese grateful ?

Bah !

Not a ruddy jot.

They want loans to be extended and to pay less interest.

These deluded Socialist mayors in near on every town and city commissioned huge concrete structures for purposes of prestige.

The social payments sky rocketed for all sorts of deranged causes "black, wimmin, anorexic, lesbians with issues of self-esteem, single parents with sociopath sprogs that are cruel to pets".......well yes Hum made it all up but Hum's sure a group like that exists !

No wonder countries like Portugal, Spain and Greece were military dictatorships a while ago. Couldn't organise a proverbial in a winery !

 

Hum looks up.

What another ramble bordering on rant.

Ooops sorry.

And you with better things to do.

Besides Hum must check what everybody wants to do in Madeira....in sight now.

 

Oh and the weather was glorious.

Only ship in port but the cobbled, pedestrianised streets were busy but not too so.

Hum had lunch with a chum (Blondie was not feeling "tickety-booh": better now, thanks for asking) and we discussed in detail the significant life events concerning his change in business direction over two bottles of fabulous wine.

 

Dear Hum,

As usual your reports are so very entertaining and full of information that we just can't get enough of. I knew nothing of Madeira, now I have an inkling. Don't suppose that's where the cake come from?? Ha

Safe travels, and your writings are truly appreciated.

Cheers, Millie X

[ho-hum]

That was an easy lob for you, the "left behinds" bit. Thought you would for sure bring up the "right behinds" which were left untouched, so to speak. But we all approve your efforts to describe your voyage. And please, please, please good sir continue to enlighten us. Sounds like a good start.

 

ho-hum, you are off to a great start to your trip report! Much more like the "old days". Has your newfound TV stardom affected the dynamic on board?

 

(PS - looks like the sycophants were reading your posts at the same time.)

 

"Great start" !

So you BOTH think there will be more do you !

The voyage has left Madeira and as COCOYOTE says the "best part" has just begun which is usually accompanied by the sense of deep ease with nothing much to shout about.

Jottings are often born out of energy around a particular event or agitation of the psyche: a bubbling froth just below consciousness, a psychic "frizzante" if you will, all of which is infused with humorous side commentary within oneself caused by feeling the sense of despair and sheer ridiculousness of others and Hum himself, first and foremost.

 

There you have it !

The "process" of creativity (in it's crudest and most elementary kind) described FOR you.

 

But here approaches the next 10 days.

Deeper and deeper settling of being into oneness.

With nothing to say by way of agitation or commentary.

Just a long big E A S E..........

 

So if you chums want Hum to jot some, then agitate him, assuming Hum has not passed into Nirvanic equanimity and final oneness........here Hummy comes.

 

TV fame was over by the third week after first viewing Raggy !

Chums forget, that with (a kind of) "fame" came trolling and criticism, mostly very personal, abusive and nasty interspersed with a few "home truths".

This tended to somewhat deflate the ego into wishing for anonymity again and the simplicity of the life one lived before in obscurity and self-imposed isolation.

 

Of course there were many who were so kind about THAT film and especially so of "I don't queue" Blondie !

People's kind and generous comments surprised Hum and it still happens when we travel indeed there are and have been guests onboard who are sailing on SD because of THAT film and jolly nice people they are too, jolly, jolly nice.

But it was the crew and only the crew we were most concerned about the most. What their response would be.

Wow !

The love we feel from them has been amazing.

And relations with shoreside management has improved to good levels, aided by the "sea change" in greater openness to their guests.

 

There is no dynamic centred on Hum whatsoever onboard: Blondie on the other hand is different.

She has star quality in Hum's eyes and has always had.

She is an amazing person.

A self made woman with a (former) very successful business who can hold her own with anybody and who is kind and has an amazing sense of fun and style.

She does create ripples around her.

Hum is happy to stay in the shadows.

 

You know Raggy, xing guests are quite unlike guests at other times of the year.

The ease of the xing is created by the guests onboard and the kind of people they are.

There is a collective vibe discerned by soft kindnesses exchanged between one another where there is time for a chat and finding out how the passing year has been for them.

Remember, some have had trials of some kind or another and there have been losses too. Sometimes it is spoken about, sometimes not........well not with Hum, the brutish, insensitive oaf of a man !

 

And there is time with a few crew where Hum can be playful and they to Hum.

There is a large number of regulars here where acquaintances have "firmed up" over many xings together.

There are Cruise Critic characters here (the best kind).

And quite a few that read Hum's drivel and other SD forum pists.

All usually want to know how bad you (Raggy) and Jim actually are.

Hum does not hold back.

Maybe he evens over imbues it.....a bit.....a lot......completely and utterly !

 

People suppose that if you (Raggy), Jim and Hum were onboard together at the TOYB it would resemble a bar scene out of a Western with fights breaking out, people being thrown through windows and doors, glasses smashed over heads, guns fired into the ceilings, much drinking with "gals" parading themselves around in provocative poses sitting on laps with arms draped around necks laughing outrageously to improper suggestions of ........ !!!

 

Boys will be boys ehhh.......

[ho-hum]

Dear Hum,

As usual your reports are so very entertaining and full of information that we just can't get enough of. I knew nothing of Madeira, now I have an inkling. Don't suppose that's where the cake come from?? Ha

Safe travels, and your writings are truly appreciated.

Cheers, Millie X

 

Thanks darling.

Love to you and hubbie.

Hum thinks Madeira cake is named so because of the addition of Madeira: a rich desert wine akin to a rich Oloroso sherry.

Medeira is also allegedly famous for the grape varietal "Pisco" that was planted in South America where Peruvians adapted it for "Pisco Sour".

Both these drinks are somewhat in decline.

HHxx

[Jim Avery]

People suppose that if you (Raggy), Jim and Hum were onboard together at the TOYB it would resemble a bar scene out of a Western with fights breaking out, people being thrown through windows and doors, glasses smashed over heads, guns fired into the ceilings, much drinking with "gals" parading themselves around in provocative poses sitting on laps with arms draped around necks laughing outrageously to improper suggestions of ........ !!!

 

Boys will be boys ehhh.......

 

It ain't like that in your locals???? Just good ole funnin around. :eek::D

 

BTW, just how many jolly crossers are on board?

[ho-hum]

It ain't like that in your locals???? Just good ole funnin around. :eek::D

 

BTW, just how many jolly crossers are on board?

 

80 and next years crossing is gettin' right FULL.

It's gettin' really popular for some reason.

 

SINCE last night we are gettin' waves hittin' us on the side causin' a few to be sea sick and the rest of us have to hang on.

We are dawdlin' along for some reason which is exascerbatin' the motion.

Seems daft to HH.

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

"People suppose that if you (Raggy), Jim and Hum were onboard together at the TOYB it would resemble a bar scene out of a Western with fights breaking out, people being thrown through windows and doors, glasses smashed over heads, guns fired into the ceilings, much drinking with "gals" parading themselves around in provocative poses sitting on laps with arms draped around necks laughing outrageously to improper suggestions of ........ !!!

 

Boys will be boys ehhh......."

 

 

That pretty well describes my younger days, before Delilah cut my hair :(

[ho-hum]

We've reached 250,009 !

 

Should Hum declare 250,009 not out ?

 

Deep swells smash into the side of the ship and most bottles, vases, plates have smashed onto the floor.

Many crew and passengers are sick but we just dawdle slowly along for some reason victim to the sea conditions.

 

Hum wonders why we don't sail faster.

Your thoughts Jim, anyone.

Lunch was interesting !

Dinner will be crazy.

Just don't order soup !

Edited October 31, 2016 by ho-hum

[Jim Avery]

We've reached 250,009 !

 

Should Hum declare 250,009 not out ?

 

Out? What is this out you speak of??? Just what is it you would do with yourself if you didn't have us to mess with??? Rock on dear Hum!:eek::D

Speaking of rocking, we Captains can use that to our advantage. You are right that slower means more motion when in a beam sea (not so if going into a head sea). More motion equals more seasickness. More seasickness equals less drinking. Less drinking equals more profit. A veritable wizard that AB. :D

[ho-hum]

Out? What is this out you speak of??? Just what is it you would do with yourself if you didn't have us to mess with??? Rock on dear Hum!:eek::D

Speaking of rocking, we Captains can use that to our advantage. You are right that slower means more motion when in a beam sea (not so if going into a head sea). More motion equals more seasickness. More seasickness equals less drinking. Less drinking equals more profit. A veritable wizard that AB. :D

 

You 'ol cynic.

Haha

Jim, we are gettin' thro' a lot of bottles !

Sadly they have bypassed Hum's lips and lay strewn on the bar floor.

 

It's cost saving on fuel, aint it ?

 

Let's just see how many no shows there is tonight.

 

Somebody is going to go over.

Then it's back to Madeira !

What's worse Blondie insists on wearing 6" heels ! !

 

The swells are at least 3-4 metres.

 

Laundry is doing a roaring trade, that's for sure !

[Jim Avery]

Saving on fuel? Yes a bit but then SD usually sails pretty slow anyway. 4 meter swells will move most ships around a bit. Glad you are faring well and I know you will take care of any pesky left over wine.

[ho-hum]

Saving on fuel? Yes a bit but then SD usually sails pretty slow anyway. 4 meter swells will move most ships around a bit. Glad you are faring well and I know you will take care of any pesky left over wine.

 

It ain't the wine Jim, it's the top shelf premium Spirits !!!

Hum mopped most of it all up.

Made quite an interesting cocktail !!

 

Another "emergency" to report.

Our housekeeping stewardess apologised to Blondie.

Blondie imagined something broke which she had cleared up.

No, the problem was the ship Provisions Master (whom we are dining with tonight: fabulous guy. Love him, love him, love him. Been with the company forever) cannot find replacement bath salt sachets (we are in Owner's Suite). They were so concerned, they emailed the other Provisions Master in the Phillipines for assistance but had not heard back !!!!

 

Hum is a reasonable kinda guy but if he don't get his bath salts then "heads with roll, heads with roll"

Hahaha

 

You know how Hum likes to smell pretty.

 

Wish you were old mate.

 

In the interests of fairness.

Many of those under the weather are so because of excess alcohol intake !!!

Ruddy light weights !!

Nothing to do with sea swells.

Edited October 31, 2016 by ho-hum

[ho-hum]

So Hum got it WRONG.

Captain says we are doing 11 knots.

Sea and weather conditions are unavoidable but look to settle tomorrow.

Captain very frank.

Hum believes him.

Apologies if Hum was casting any aspersions.

 

Whilst Hum is apologising.

Internet is the best it has ever been whether in the Med or Caribbean but on a xing, this is unheard of.

Thanks to Communications Officer onboard.

Edited October 31, 2016 by ho-hum

[Jim Avery]

So Hum got it WRONG.

Captain says we are doing 11 knots.

Sea and weather conditions are unavoidable but look to settle tomorrow.

Captain very frank.

Hum believes him.

Apologies if Hum was casting any aspersions.

 

Whilst Hum is apologising.

Internet is the best it has ever been whether in the Med or Caribbean but on a xing, this is unheard of.

Thanks to Communications Officer onboard.

 

Well if the internet is so darn good......Why are you not posting for us???? Hello Mr. Hum....Calling Mr. Hum.....

[ho-hum]

Well if the internet is so darn good......Why are you not posting for us???? Hello Mr. Hum....Calling Mr. Hum.....

 

Apart from you Jim, there's no demand.

Drivel ain't as highly prized as it once was.

Titillation is the the craze.

Hum is often described as being a t it but it not quite the same thing.

 

And with comments from Raggy pining for the "old days" of Hum's pustings making it abundantly clear that Hum's pusts have descended from drivel to dross...well it kinda deflates Hum (only kiddin', besides Raggy is only with us whilst his knee is healing after the barbaric medicinal practices in that wild frontier country. Didn't know the 'Bowie" knife had so many uses. As soon as the knee is healed, he'll be skipping off like a gazelle recovering from a tranquilliser dart and re-located in game reserve park)

 

Please take into account the length of Hum's recent past posts: they had been enormous.

And it's busy, busy, busy here, just ask the barman facing Hum at TOYB.

Hum's working his way through the middle shelf, now.

 

Once a week now Jim, me 'ol mate (if your lucky) for pusts.

"The well is dry" even if Hum is not.......hic

 

One of the consequences about Hum being onboard are that readers sidle up to Hum and challenge Hum for writing about them when he never did anything of the kind. Hum had two people tell Hum that Hum had written about them as old curmudgeons and sore losers in the quizzes.

'Tis true there is a character who once was a "PITA" but now is reformed but it wasn't they whom Hum was referring to.

"Well if it wasn't me, who was it ?"

They both demanded (separately).

Hum doesn't blab.

Hum has honour.

Hum wouldn't stoop so low.

Standards still apply in Hum's country.

Meow.....

 

Every evening at cocktails, the gossip of the day surfaces and is fed upon avariciously: the evidence of the gossip subject matter has been completely distorted and salacious ingredients added concerning completely mundane encounters, scenarios, conversations......well anything, really.

Starved of external divertissements, we, the passengers become the objects of much interest and how things become distorted and served completely altered so that we may feed on it.

 

Hum, being next to godliness never becomes involved, indeed he bestows mighty words of wisdom, be-questing the sinners to heal their ways.

 

So no gossip from Hum.

Besides, you want Hum killed !!!!

 

But really, after so many days, the true condition, is one of concern for one another in an atmosphere of cordiality, more and more occasioned with embraces, slaps on the back, compliments about attire, etc...

Now don't be all cynical out there.

It's lovely.

People being nice.

There is one solitary traveller of a military demeanour that is beyond reach even with a hello: a slight incline of the head was the best Hum received in return.

Sad, is'nt it ?

Is he bereaved ?

Has he family ?

What is he enjoying (if anything) ?

Don't be surprised if he comes over at the end of the voyage and he says he had a great time.

The oddest (and mostly nicest) things happen at the end of a voyage (as we all know).

[MACT]

 

Every evening at cocktails, the gossip of the day surfaces and is fed upon avariciously: the evidence of the gossip subject matter has been completely distorted and salacious ingredients added concerning completely mundane encounters, scenarios, conversations......well anything, really.

Starved of external divertissements, we, the passengers become the objects of much interest and how things become distorted and served completely altered so that we may feed on it.

 

Hum, being next to godliness never becomes involved, indeed he bestows mighty words of wisdom, be-questing the sinners to heal their ways.

 

So no gossip from Hum.

Besides, you want Hum killed !!!!

 

But really, after so many days, the true condition, is one of concern for one another in an atmosphere of cordiality, more and more occasioned with embraces, slaps on the back, compliments about attire, etc...

Now don't be all cynical out there.

It's lovely.

People being nice.

There is one solitary traveller of a military demeanour that is beyond reach even with a hello: a slight incline of the head was the best Hum received in return.

Sad, is'nt it ?

Is he bereaved ?

Has he family ?

What is he enjoying (if anything) ?

Don't be surprised if he comes over at the end of the voyage and he says he had a great time.

The oddest (and mostly nicest) things happen at the end of a voyage (as we all know).

 

As the the twenty foot breaking swell gently caresses the good ship Lollipop we depend on "our man in Havana" too keep an open ear (not mouth, that is a given, just ask the overworked barman at the TOYB) and file daily reports down the wire to us mere mortal land lubbers.

 

The excuse of the "poor to darn awful" internet connection is no more...maybe I should move to the middle of the Atlantic, seems to be a better connection than here most of the time. (Wife..."maybe switching the computer on might speed things up a little?")

 

Mr Hum...order another large one and get digging some gossip, sir!

[Jim Avery]

Well, sounds as if Mr. Hum is finally getting too old for this writing gig. They say at his age the well starts to run dry .....:eek: Too bad. When he was a young guy he was lots of fun. I guess Ragnar and Charlie will have to pick up the slack for poor old retiring Hum:D.

[TrapperZimmy]

Well, sounds as if Mr. Hum is finally getting too old for this writing gig. They say at his age the well starts to run dry .....:eek: Too bad. When he was a young guy he was lots of fun. I guess Ragnar and Charlie will have to pick up the slack for poor old retiring Hum:D.

 

I would hardly use the word "retiring" to describe the Great Hum.

[ho-hum]

Trivia quiz was once a cauldron of irritation, bad temper, strops and all kinds of bad behaviour.

On this voyage, it is good humoured and fun sadly.

 

Have a go at these questions from the other day:

 

1. What make of watch did Charles Linbergh wear on his historic flight ?

2. What day of the week did WWII begin ?

3. What part of the body would a doctor flush cerumen from ?

4. What animals milk is used to make Roquefort cheese ?

5. What kind of writer pens an allonymous book ?

6. What spider makes a superb pet, even being said to recognise it's Master ?

7. What soccer player made more than $43K a game in 1975 ?

8. What is the most common edible fungus in salads ?

9. Which part of the hen's egg becomes the chick, the white or the yolk ?

10. What Mediterranean island is home to the first Club Med ?

 

Of course, we did not have "Google" !

Don't cheat !

Lady V, would you have been of any benefit to us ?

 

All of yous, your answers please.

[Jim Avery]

But way more important, are you watching the Cubbies in the World Series??? DW is a Chicago Girl.:D

[TrapperZimmy]

But way more important, are you watching the Cubbies in the World Series??? DW is a Chicago Girl.:D

 

The Cubs are in the World Series? Are pigs flying? Zimmy and I had dinner last week at a restaurant called Cochon Volant. French majors will know that means Flying Pig. Seriously, you can cut the tension here with a knife. David Ross homering in his final major league game. Our little village is going to go nuts.

[ho-hum]

Well, sounds as if Mr. Hum is finally getting too old for this writing gig. They say at his age the well starts to run dry .....:eek: Too bad. When he was a young guy he was lots of fun. I guess Ragnar and Charlie will have to pick up the slack for poor old retiring Hum:D.

 

When is this "feast" gonna start ?

Come on guys, the "world" awaits !

 

Blondie took over last night's entertainment with a sing-along Mamma Mia film.

Too "rich" for Hum but hugely attended.

Well done Blondie.

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

i'm stay'n out of this...

[MACT]

Trivia quiz was once a cauldron of irritation, bad temper, strops and all kinds of bad behaviour.

On this voyage, it is good humoured and fun sadly.

 

Have a go at these questions from the other day:

 

1. What make of watch did Charles Linbergh wear on his historic flight ?

2. What day of the week did WWII begin ?

3. What part of the body would a doctor flush cerumen from ?

4. What animals milk is used to make Roquefort cheese ?

5. What kind of writer pens an allonymous book ?

6. What spider makes a superb pet, even being said to recognise it's Master ?

7. What soccer player made more than $43K a game in 1975 ?

8. What is the most common edible fungus in salads ?

9. Which part of the hen's egg becomes the chick, the white or the yolk ?

10. What Mediterranean island is home to the first Club Med ?

 

Of course, we did not have "Google" !

Don't cheat !

Lady V, would you have been of any benefit to us ?

 

All of yous, your answers please.

 

Answer to number 7...I was going to say George Best as he needed that amount to keep him in champagne (just like another certain celeb we know?) but I will give it a guess and say Pele for the New York Cosmos?

 

Answer to number 4...goat and if not they are missing a trick those pesky Frogs.

 

Answer to number 1...Casio, he jumped in his plane to fly to the nearest Walmart to buy a new battery.

[ho-hum]

i'm stay'n out of this...

 

Smart, Raggy.

Hahaha

[ho-hum]

Answer to number 7...I was going to say George Best as he needed that amount to keep him in champagne (just like another certain celeb we know?) but I will give it a guess and say Pele for the New York Cosmos?

 

Answer to number 4...goat and if not they are missing a trick those pesky Frogs.

 

Answer to number 1...Casio, he jumped in his plane to fly to the nearest Walmart to buy a new battery.

 

 

Well if you're not going to take this seriously dear chum !

Your score is 1 !

So the UK tally is.......err 1 point.

More than Hum expected.

Who will try next ?

You are representing your country after all.