Break Up Before or After Long Planned Cruise?

[cathyoo]

Now this is definitely not true to life but let us say, I was done with my marriage. Didn't hate or loathe my dh but just thought it was time for me to move on.

 

Now my DH LOVES our yearly cruises. It gets him through the day.. We always book a cruise immediately after we finish a cruise and sometimes we even have next year's booked before we take this years.

 

I can see me deciding to go on the cruise and end the marriage when we returned. Of course I wouldn't be booking the next one. I wouldn't want to tell him before hand that would sort of be a bummer. It wouldn't be pity. I just would not want to ruin his vacation.

 

Maybe it is the same for this young man. Maybe he knows his girlfriend has been looking forward to this for a long time. It doesn't sound as if they are in a terrible/hateful situation. They may very well end up as great friends. Maybe he just wants her to have a great vacation.

[glrounds]

Break up during the cruise.

 

Those are the people sleeping on the lounge chairs on Lido at 6 am covered up with beach towels :p

 

Took the words right off my keyboard. :D

 

Years ago my then wife and I went on a cruise with a large group of our friends (20). One couple wasn't all that sure of each other and it sure came out on the cruise with alcohol and other "ladies" all over the place.

 

Felt sorry for the woman involved as she spent 2 nights sleeping in the atrium bar (someone in our group even gave her a blanket ! :rolleyes:).

 

To the question:

He sounds like a pretty level-headed kid, so I'd say "hands off" and don't try to influence him one way or the other. People drift apart just like they drift together. Kids oft times need to find their own way.

 

Good luck. :)

[cathyoo]

Absolutely.

 

I still like to think that perhaps if they've been together this long, a nice romantic, low-stress vacation with lots of time to talk, reflect, and enjoy what attracted them to one another in the first place, may be what seals the realtionship and repairs whatever damage has been done.

 

But then again, I believe in the tooth fairy.

 

Now this is an ending I would like.. Think how neat it would be to be able to save "cruising saved our relationship. They could get engaged on this cruise, married on the next and celebrate their anniversary every year on a cruise.

 

edited to add... What do you mean you STILL believe in the tooth fairy? Who DOESN'T believe in the tooth fairy???? Oh life would be sad without the fairy and her wand.

[cmecruise1962]

a long, LONG time ago..when I booked my first "adult" vacation with my boyfriend (not a cruise, I didn't find out how much loved cruises until a few years ago!) but it was a trip to Cabo San Lucas for 5 days with my boyfriend. I even paid for everything...but during the first day or so, things were "off" and I didn't know why! :mad: So finally, we had a huge fight on the second night, with me crying asking what was wrong...him saying "Nothing, nothing, nothing" over and over again. Finally, I said "Well, I don't know what's wrong, but for god's sake, can't you pretend you are a gigolo or something, so we can have fun???" And he did, and we did...and then he broke up with me the next week. But would I have had more fun by myself...no. Sooooo...I guess my point is...if he DECIDES to go, he needs to act as if he is still "in love" even if it means pulling out all his acting ability. No sense going and acting as if he is planning a big break up after it's over! JMHO! :o

[halos]

My opinion on how to handle this is for you to stay out of his business. he is a adult. did he ask you for advise?

 

When my oldest son was having trouble with (he is 30) his GF, the mother of my granddaughter, he asked me what he should do. i told him remember how I tried to teach you when you were young to think for yourself. Well the same advice is still valid.

 

Its time to cut the apron strings!

 

As harsh as that sounds, I have to agree.

 

OP, It sounds like you are distressed with your son's situation. As a mother I can understand that...but you need to sit back and allow things to unfold on their own. Posting your son's personal situation on a cruise board just seems wrong IMHO.....does he know you've taken it upon yourself to do this??

 

Sometimes, even when your kids face dilemas such as your son's, you have to let them figure it out...that means you should have no say and certainly a bunch of total strangers on a web chat board should have no say either....

 

I hope everything works out well for both him and his girlfriend, no matter which way it goes :)

[bee-bee]

Sometimes, the best advise is to stay out of it and let them make their own choices without our influence (especially about relationships). Parental advise can backfire on us sometimes and end with the parent being the "bad guy".

 

I really feel for this girlfriend. If he were my son, I would tell him he should be discussing this with her instead of the family. And worse, it's unfair that all of us stangers know about her plight but she has no idea what's lurking in her future.:(

[zqvol]

My adult son no longer gets along very well with his girlfriend yet they booked a Caribbean cruise on Carnival a few months ago for this summer. Though it's paid for now, he is wondering if he should break up with her before the trip and go on his own, making it clear she owes nothing, or go along and hope the have a good time and then break up with her when they get home. He has NOT met anyone else; they just don't seem to have anything in common and bicker a lot over differences.

 

I said I think he should break the news right now but my daughter told her brother why not go on the trip? Daughter's logic is that her brother and his girlfriend might enjoy themselves and get along and he might not end up wanting to break up after all.

 

I realize this is pretty off-topic other than that the trip is on Carnival, but any advice out there? Like I said, I advised to break up now and for him to go alone or with a friend and let the girl make her own plans. Does anyone have any opinions on how to handle this?

 

Assuming that your son is an adult, the best advice is to stay out of it.

 

No matter what you tell him it has the potential to backfire. Let him make his own choice and rely on advice from his peers, including his sister has to what to do. Young people deal with relationships differently than we did.

[Leadft]

OP - Will you please come back and let us know what he ends up deciding to do?

 

Thanks!

[misguidedangel]

He could talk to her and admit they are not good for each other romantically, but for the sake of the cruise they can go as friends and each do as they pleased.

 

There is also another poossbility, but it all depends on who paid for the cruise. If the cruise cost was 50/50, then the above is an option, but if he paid for the both of them then he might as well just cancel her name off the cruise and go himself! He will not get any money back, but he can cruise solo and have WONDERFUL time! I go solo all the time and have fun. It sucks when you want to do a beach break excursion and go solo cuz no one can watch your bags, but any other time, cruising solo is awesome!!!

 

Thus, he has to decide what to do and deal with it now......

 

Who knows, maybe the two of them can be better friends than lovers!!!

[Suziq333]

Just out of curiosity...why not break up with her then let her decide if she still wants to come on the cruise or not. You can separate the beds for sleeping and spend time apart on the ship. Or, she may opt not to go at all. At least in this case he's not tossing her a double whammy.

 

I agree with kathi316 At least that way, he's not being a smuck and taking the cruise away from her as well.

[jazzlover04]

I don't know if this has been said, but the key word in the whole message is ADULT. Either he is or isn't. If he is, let him make his own decision, if by chance he is an adult in number only then help him make his choice. In my mind it isn't much of a choice for me, clear as glass actually.

[Toni12345]

omg.. maybe this is the reason why the world is so messed up. there's nothing wrong with an adult son asking his family for advise. I am 33 married since I was 18. Have 4 kids. 13,9,8, and 2. I thank god I have my mother to ask for advise. I do make my own decisions and most of the time I don't take her advise. THIS is all part of life. The OP is a caring loving mother who just wanted some opinions. NOTHING wrong here.. It's america people lighten up.. Life is too short. Be happy she has a great relationship with her son.. Plenty of people don't. I lost my father at 17 and just lost my step dad who was there since I was 3.. LIFE'S too short. Family is important!

[murcielago]

Break up with the girlfriend, cancel his name and give her the booking so she can go with a friend of her choice.

[cruzzza]

For me, the key point is that he is planning on breaking up with her regardless of whether he does it before or after the cruise!!

 

I agree with someone else here that said he needs to get his head out of "you know where" and realize what he's saying. He doesn't want to be with this girl, yet he's potentially going to take her on a cruise - the whole time it will be a cruel charade. I know there are positives and negatives to both opinions, but IMHO he needs to deal with the negatives and let this poor girl off the hook in their relationship. If they are truly as mature as they sound, they'll come to a mutual agreement on how to handle the cruise situation themselves (after a short cooling down period I'm sure).

[gtouch]

I am the original poster. If you'd read my posts you'd know my son has been agonizing over this dilemma and including our family in discussions. My response was to do what seems right but there are gray areas and many people here have offered up good sound advice. Many of us have witnessed problem relationships on our various vacations over time, or even been involved in something gone-wrong.

 

Yes, in the end it's up to my son and the girlfriend to figure out their own plight. But I'm not going to tell him 'tough luck kid -- you are totally on your own and I won't offer up any viewpoints.'

 

I find your post simplistic and yes, as several others said, "harsh," and it's clear you did not read everything I wrote. Why are you even reading posts on this topic if they are so bothersome to you?

 

So as the parent your best bet is to enlist the help of people you don't know on a chat line that people can mask their identities? You are spreading your families dirty laundry across the world? So you won't tell him "tough luck kid -- you are totally on your own and I won't offer up any veiwpoints" but here are some from total strangers who know nothing about you or your girlfriend. I'm not going to even suggest what you should do as that carries more responsability than I would want as a spectator to this train wreck. But it may not only be your son who needs help. I wish both him and his girlfriend the best and hope they work things out to both of their best interest.

[gtouch]

I am the original poster. If you'd read my posts you'd know my son has been agonizing over this dilemma and including our family in discussions. My response was to do what seems right but there are gray areas and many people here have offered up good sound advice. Many of us have witnessed problem relationships on our various vacations over time, or even been involved in something gone-wrong.

 

Yes, in the end it's up to my son and the girlfriend to figure out their own plight. But I'm not going to tell him 'tough luck kid -- you are totally on your own and I won't offer up any viewpoints.'

 

I find your post simplistic and yes, as several others said, "harsh," and it's clear you did not read everything I wrote. Why are you even reading posts on this topic if they are so bothersome to you?

 

After thinking about it I do have a suggestion.....How about Jerry Springer you could go on his show and he and his audiance could help you with the decision.

[cathyoo]

So as the parent your best bet is to enlist the help of people you don't know on a chat line that people can mask their identities? You are spreading your families dirty laundry across the world? So you won't tell him "tough luck kid -- you are totally on your own and I won't offer up any veiwpoints" but here are some from total strangers who know nothing about you or your girlfriend. I'm not going to even suggest what you should do as that carries more responsability than I would want as a spectator to this train wreck. But it may not only be your son who needs help. I wish both him and his girlfriend the best and hope they work things out to both of their best interest.

 

Some times the "stranger don't know and don't have a stake in it" can be very helpful. I think there is some validity in asking for opinions or advice here. Although I'm not really seeing the "dirty laundry" piece at all. You never know when someone might give a viewpoint you had not considered or have been in the situation and offer some insight.

 

I found the post about the all inclusive "just be a gigilo" very informative from someone who has been there done that.

 

I believe there is value in diversity. So looking at how others look at things can be an eye-opener.

[gtouch]

Some times the "stranger don't know and don't have a stake in it" can be very helpful. I think there is some validity in asking for opinions or advice here. Although I'm not really seeing the "dirty laundry" piece at all. You never know when someone might give a viewpoint you had not considered or have been in the situation and offer some insight.

 

I found the post about the all inclusive "just be a gigilo" very informative from someone who has been there done that.

 

I believe there is value in diversity. So looking at how others look at things can be an eye-opener.

 

If you think so yes seeing a lot of others response can be eye opening I agree with that. But that really doesn't help, it probably confuses the situation even more. I just feel that answering questions without all the info tends to lead to bad or misplaced advice. As you have seen there have been answers so different as to what to do I don't know how anyone could use this advice. If they already have an opinion to what to do and are looking for someone to agree with them then that really isn't helping. I think most (not all) are trying to help but they are shooting in the dark with the answers since the exact details are not known. If the OP was expecting a bolt of lightning from God telling them what to do I don't think they will get it from this forum. Not that there may some great advice but how would you know? That's why I'm not telling them what they should do (except for the Jerry Springer remark which was made in jest) because this envolves 2 people who don't even know or at least one who doesn't even know they are being talked about. If someone ask is the food good alright we can all give our personal opinion about that no one gets hurt by what we say. But this may envolve a girls emotions, trust, self worth etc and without knowing more facts I don't think I would want to interject advice. So in a long winded response I don't think this is the best place to seek answers from people you don't know or who don't know the people involved. But you are 100% correct about value in diversity I'm just not sure it works within this forum.

[gemcrusier]

Leave it up to your son. He is just using you as a sounding board to bounce around thoughts he is having about his relationship no matter what advice you give he will do what he feels is best . my advice listen don't judge, be concerned, don't try to solve the problem for him and he will do the right thing in the end.

[jazzlover04]

omg.. maybe this is the reason why the world is so messed up. there's nothing wrong with an adult son asking his family for advise.

 

Nah, I don't think this is the reason the world is so messed up. But I do think being decietful is. If he knows he is going to break up with her after the cruise and he still takes her and pretends that he is enjoying her company is just immature in my book. Why go through all of that? Obviously they aren't getting along very well. End it ASAP, and move on the weight lifted off his shoulders would be tremendous. But who asked me? Oh yeah, Mom did!:)

[Minoushka]

Travelling with someone is stressful as it is ...luggage security documents arriving on time shlepping etc etc etc .If you already have problems all this will not help.

If he feels it's over how will he feel being with the person 24 hours a day.

If he were to meet someone how would he feel being "stuck" with her ?

There is NOTHING worse then to be on vacation with someone you no longer get along with or have different interests

On a cruise you have to be ready to roll early ,catch an excursion make sure you get back on time and YOU ARE SUPPOSED to HAVE FUN doing it.This does not sound like he will experience this.

My advice tell him to be honest ..if it;s over IT"S OVER !! !Let him work out after who to share with etc etc It is not fair to hang on just for the heck of it.And of course if an :accident " should happen aka baby then you would really have a problem coming home

Who knows perhaps he will meet a Great person and have a WOW time

Good luck

[MamaParrotHead]

Before. Definately BEFORE. Trust me when I say that a miserable person can totally ruin the trip for EVERYONE else.

[BARBARA J.W.]

My adult son no longer gets along very well with his girlfriend yet they booked a Caribbean cruise on Carnival a few months ago for this summer.

 

 

Just wondering,,,,,,,,

Has he decided what he is going

to do.?

[jobster71]

Maybe the girl already knows. She might actually trolls Cruise Critic....

I just have to say the possibility that she is a member of this boards.:o

[Trplnckl]

Sounds to me they are just about ready to get married, then they qualify for marriage counseling. Then in a couple of years they can decide to either divorce before the baby is born or after.

 

OK, sick humor out of the way.

 

Seriously, they need to set down together ASAP, to discuss (not argue, TALK about) their relationship, cruise aside.

If they together decide it is better to call it quits, then decide what to do about the cruise.