Cruising Moral Dilemma

[janetz]

My Ex-Mother in law has just been given two months to live due to stage 4 Cancer. My husband, myself and my son (her grandson) are booked on a cruise leaving June 8th. We purchased insurance with the understanding that we could reschedule if needed to attend her funeral and be with the family during this time.

 

Just to verify I called my PVP Jack this morning, after checking with his boss he tells me that my son (since he is related to her) would be the only person to receive 100% refund if we had to reschedule or cancel. My husband and I would only receive 75% of our rate. We will lose about $500 if we cancel, I can't reschedule my vacation and neither can my husband due to our jobs - we are not rich, we saved all year to have this much needed vacation.

 

This may come across as selfish and I feel guilty for saying it, but I need my vacation! We know how short life really is since we have buried my father in law, my mom and my Uncle in the last 9 months. I know how difficult it will be for my ex-husband's family and they also know what we have been through this year.

 

What would you do in my situation? :(

I think you should discuss this with your husband and son. Go with your gut feeling and do not feel guilty if you choose to cruise. It sounds like you all need a break. :)

[City of Phila]

It is absolutely kind of you to consider your "EX" MIL, but the only person that should make the decision is your son. His age plays a big part in this and in this case he is old enough to make an intelligent well thought decision. I am from a family where my mom and dad were never even married and I would never want to be forced to do something I dont want to do. I thank my mom for not forcing me to be around my fathers family and allowing me to make the choice. I have had several people on my fathers side pass away, including my grandmother, and I was able to make the decision that I wanted to be with my family and it didnt mater if my mom was there or not! With that said, maybe your son would appreciate that too. Talk to him to see if he is ok with you going on vacation without him or if he truly needs your support. You may find that he doesnt even want to go because he wasnt close to his grandmother.

[kingoftheicedragons]

Personally, if your son is not particularly close to his grandmother, he probably wouldn't be too upset with not going to the funeral, but you'd be the best judge of that.

 

If you've kept in close contact with your ex's family, you have to be more concerned with yourself and how you'd feel if you missed the funeral. Would you feel guilty by not being there? I think you should first decide how you'd feel if you weren't able to say your final goodbyes, and then talk to their family if you decide that you might not be able to go to the funeral if it falls during your cruise. $500, which is a lot of money especially if you save all year for a vacation, versus a lifetime of possible regret by not being there.

[patchofheaven]

Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I talked this over with our son last night. He and his older brother went to visit their Grandma last Friday and plan to go at least a few more times before our cruise. I am impressed with how mature he responded to the situation - He said that he doesn't need a funeral to say goodbye to Grandma so he doesn't want to change anything about our vacation.

 

Again I appreciate all of your advice and kind words, I was feeling lost and yall were there to give me strength in my decision. Thanks again :)

[navybankerteacher]

She may last longer than 2 months or shorter .you just never know

If you are close to her spend as much time NOW while she is still here

 

If she should pass when you are away they can delay the funeral or they can go ahead without you

 

There is not easy answer, it is a personal choice

 

.

 

This goes to the core of the question: attending a funeral does nothing for the departed; showing concern and sharing time before she "departs" does. The "ex" prefix is crucial here. You owe a lot more to your husband than to a man to whom you are no longer tied.

[momofmeg]

The age of your son makes a difference. I would seriously think about sending him to the funeral with his father and carrying on with your own vacation.

 

Your current husband doesn't have a dog in this fight.

 

I agree, he is plenty old enough, it she should pass, he could leave the cruise and go on his own.

[jamminlion]

My grandmother always said, "If you can't come see me when I'm living, then don't bother coming to see me when I'm dead."

 

See her now. Make your peace. Go on your trip. No regrets.

[Starry Eyes]

Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I talked this over with our son last night. He and his older brother went to visit their Grandma last Friday and plan to go at least a few more times before our cruise. I am impressed with how mature he responded to the situation - He said that he doesn't need a funeral to say goodbye to Grandma so he doesn't want to change anything about our vacation.

 

Again I appreciate all of your advice and kind words, I was feeling lost and yall were there to give me strength in my decision. Thanks again :)

 

It sounds like a good conversation that lifted a weight from your shoulders. And, as a bonus, you learned a bit about your son, his thought process and his maturity. And if the young man changes his mind, he knows the communication channels are open.

[sjcruiser]

I would spend some time with her now, and since your son is old enough, I would explain the situation to him, as you explained it to us, and inform him that you will be making the final decision as to whether to cancel or not, when the time comes. I would also talk to him about her condition, and possible passing, and see what he thinks about going on the cruise, or going to the funeral. The passing of a loved one no matter how close, can affect a person, and your feelings now, may change if her condition takes a turn for the worst. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

[ldubs]

Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I talked this over with our son last night. He and his older brother went to visit their Grandma last Friday and plan to go at least a few more times before our cruise. I am impressed with how mature he responded to the situation - He said that he doesn't need a funeral to say goodbye to Grandma so he doesn't want to change anything about our vacation.

 

Again I appreciate all of your advice and kind words, I was feeling lost and yall were there to give me strength in my decision. Thanks again :)

 

Many times in tough situations like this there is no right or wrong so much as what you feel good and right about. I'm glad you were able to work this out in a way that makes sense to you and your family. Take care.

[Warmer Climes]

I reckon you should change nothing, go on the cruise. i agree it's better to visit and spend time now whilst they're still here rather than just wait to stand at a graveside. Funeral's are only to satisfy the living, the dead don't care anymore.

 

I agree with this 100%. Especially since it is your EX mil and your son is not close to her.

[flamomo]

I am happy for you and your hubby and son, that you have been able to make a considered decision to go ahead with your plans for your cruise.

I hope that, should she pass away while you are gone, you won't allow yourself to become mired in guilt for having gone, which could spoil you much anticipated vacation. Instead, toast her with a bit of bubbly and think of the great memories your relationship with her has provided.

Since you and she have remained close, I have to believe that she knows what this vacation means to you, and would want you to go and enjoy yourself with your hubby and son.

[Winnigirl]

Thank you all for your responses. My husband and I talked this over with our son last night. He and his older brother went to visit their Grandma last Friday and plan to go at least a few more times before our cruise. I am impressed with how mature he responded to the situation - He said that he doesn't need a funeral to say goodbye to Grandma so he doesn't want to change anything about our vacation.

 

Again I appreciate all of your advice and kind words, I was feeling lost and yall were there to give me strength in my decision. Thanks again :)

 

I am so glad that this was the decision. Your son has a good head on his shoulders.

[Sinppu]

EDIT: I see you did exactly what I would have proposed you do.

I'm glad it turned out as OK as it can in a sad situation.

 

Hope you all have a great cruise when the time comes.

[UPGrandma]

Sounds like he's a "keeper" as they say. My vote would have been the same as your son's - Not to change your vacation. He will have had time with g'ma before you go. If something happens, you can spend a few hours talking about her or enjoying a sight that you know she would have loved.

 

13 yr ago, my grandma, passed away when we were in Australia. The rest of my siblings & our 2 adult children said "don't come home". She was 95 BTW. It was spring time there so we walked & talked remembering her as we enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL flowers...she would have loved them.