Cruising Moral Dilemma

[patchofheaven]

My Ex-Mother in law has just been given two months to live due to stage 4 Cancer. My husband, myself and my son (her grandson) are booked on a cruise leaving June 8th. We purchased insurance with the understanding that we could reschedule if needed to attend her funeral and be with the family during this time.

 

Just to verify I called my PVP Jack this morning, after checking with his boss he tells me that my son (since he is related to her) would be the only person to receive 100% refund if we had to reschedule or cancel. My husband and I would only receive 75% of our rate. We will lose about $500 if we cancel, I can't reschedule my vacation and neither can my husband due to our jobs - we are not rich, we saved all year to have this much needed vacation.

 

This may come across as selfish and I feel guilty for saying it, but I need my vacation! We know how short life really is since we have buried my father in law, my mom and my Uncle in the last 9 months. I know how difficult it will be for my ex-husband's family and they also know what we have been through this year.

 

What would you do in my situation? :(

[maitlandmom]

First, it is very touching that you think so highly of your former MIL. I think that says a lot about you and that you may not be comforatable with this trip. I would have a conversation with your former husband about the timing of the trip and get a sense of how he is feeling about it. Honestly his feelings could change when his mother pases away, reality can sometimes change how you feel.

[lady_cruiser]

I had an aswer all written out and went back to reread your post. You said your "ex" mother-in-law. I guess it depends on how close you were to her and will you have regrets not paying your final respects if she died while you were on your cruise.

 

How old is your son? Is he old enough to know and accept the fact that he might be on a cruise if something happens to her and that he will not be able to go to her funeral? And, would this upset him enough to make you regret not cancelling the cruise?

 

As far as what I would do I can't tell you unless I would have found myself in that same situtation. Half my heart want to say cancel and the other half tells me to go on the cruise but make sure that you have a nice long visit with her before you leave. And tell her that you will be thinking of her while on the cruise and see her when you get back.

 

Just because the doctors say two months to live does not mean that it is exactly two month. The doctors gave our neighbor's son a couple of years to live due to a live disease and this was over sixs years ago.

[patchofheaven]

Thank you both for your responses. My son is 17 and has never been very close to his Grandma. I was married to his Dad for 9 years so I was fairly close to his family and we have kept in touch over the years. My ex-husband is currently in prison and has been for almost 6 years.

[PennyAgain]

The age of your son makes a difference. I would seriously think about sending him to the funeral with his father and carrying on with your own vacation.

 

Your current husband doesn't have a dog in this fight.

[beachbum53]

The death of a loved one is never easy to deal with. I'm guessing that you still stay in touch with your ex-mother-in-law. I'm guessing she would probably tell you "Go! Go on your vacation. Don't change your plans for me. I'm preparing for my own cruise." At this point, you don't know what will happen. Her time could come before you leave, or she might not pass on until after you come back. I don't think you're being selfish at all. You know what's coming. There's nothing you can do about it. Why not give each other a hug, and wish each other a "Bon Voyage"? Maybe even toast each other with a glass of champagne.

[Elaine5715]

Keep living your life. Postponing a highly desired activity for a "what if" will just create anxieties and induce guilt where it does not belong.

Let's look into the future.

You and her husband are in your late eighties, poor heath. Your son and his kids want to take a 10 day cruise to celebrate the youngest's graduation from college. Should they sit by the phone, just in case?

[LHT28]

She may last longer than 2 months or shorter .you just never know

If you are close to her spend as much time NOW while she is still here

 

If she should pass when you are away they can delay the funeral or they can go ahead without you

 

There is not easy answer, it is a personal choice

 

.

[jamessemaj]

Based on what you say, I would go on the cruise, but discuss it with the relatives, and offer whatever assistance I could. You say you son is not close to her and his father is not present; I would discuss it with him and let him decide what he will do for himself.

[paul929207]

Ultimately, you will have to live with the decision. You have been there for her when she has been alive. Don't feel you have to postpone/cancel, do what you need to do

[marlynnp]

I would make a 'final' visit with her NOW. Then ask your son if he feels strongly about attending the funeral, I imagine the answer will be that he doesn't feel it's important. Funerals are for the living as a way to deal with the loss, it won't matter to her if you are there. Go on vacation and have fun.

[Suitcasefull]

Sounds like you've had a good relationship with the X-MIL over the years so am betting she would want you to go on the trip. Funerals are for those left behind to mourn, not for the deceased.

He's old enough to make a decision so ask your son what he thinks. I would go visit with her now if possible (the toast mentioned by another poster was a great idea!) and tell her you'll see her when you return.

Others are right about docs not knowing length of time left. None of us know how much time we have as individuals even if we're healthy.

I vote for go on the cruise that you all need to do for your own sanity, raise a glass to her some night at a beautiful sunset and save up some fun stories to share with X-MIL on your return.

[retiredgram]

I would make a 'final' visit with her NOW. Then ask your son if he feels strongly about attending the funeral, I imagine the answer will be that he doesn't feel it's important. Funerals are for the living as a way to deal with the loss, it won't matter to her if you are there. Go on vacation and have fun.

Agree with this post. Only you and family know the answer.

I also had a cousin who had stage 4 breast cancer and lived another 5 years after being diagnosed (sp). Only God knows how long someone has on this earth.

[Oscarsgrandad]

I reckon you should change nothing, go on the cruise. i agree it's better to visit and spend time now whilst they're still here rather than just wait to stand at a graveside. Funeral's are only to satisfy the living, the dead don't care anymore.

[Dayenu]

I was away at college when my grandma died. My father made the decision not to notify me of her funeral. It was 35 years ago - I still feel the anger.

[bplazo]

I would go.

[MamaE]

Wow, all the responses were so nice and well thought out, I agree with what most everyone has said here.

 

First, it's so nice to see that you still have a close relationship with her. Very healthy for your teenaged son, and probably a comfort to your ex, who can't be with her due to his incarceration.

 

I second the idea of going to see her now, leave nothing unsaid, show her your love. Take your son, let him see your example and your love in action!

 

Funerals are for the living... she will already be where she is going, so unless it's necessary for you, or your son, to physically be at the service (and maybe it is, we are all so different in our grieving), I would say keep your vacation plans! Lift a glass to her and toast her memory (if in fact she passes during that time), and try to enjoy yourselves, I'm sure she would want that.

 

I'm sorry for this heartache, I've lost everyone but my brother, loss is indeed hard. My sympathy to you and your son.

[Starry Eyes]

Perhaps encourage your son to visit his Grandmother now while she is alive. Visiting while she is alive is valuable. If she needs assistance, perhaps he can offer to do some respite care, sitting with her while her primary caregivers take an hour or two.

 

If your son wants to go to the funeral, assess his GM's health situation prior to departure. Maybe he will decide to stay behind.

[luddite]

I don't have any great advice ofr how to handle this. I can tell you that situations like this happen more frequently as you get older and that's something they didn't tell us when we were kids.

Good luck.

[ldubs]

You have a lot of feedback. I would add that because your son is still a minor/child, I would not ask him to make a decision in a matter like this. Instead, it make the right decision for you and your son and explain to him.

[klfrodo]

At 17, I think your son needs to be part of the decision process. He's old enough to understand the emotional and financial ramifications. He might decide he wants to stay close by and realistically understand why you should go on the cruise.

 

I definatly like the Make the Final Visit now, idea though.

[pris993]

I faced a similar situation about 15 years ago. My mother suddenly took ill, the night before we were due to leave. Initially they didnot know what happened, she did not know anyone for a short time, they were running tests as we were expecting to travel to Europe the following day. We had $12,000 invested in a trip - cancelling we would have lost everything.

 

It was hard to leave, not knowing what would happen, especially leaving my only sister here to deal with what may happen. But I knew if my sister had plans, I would tell her to go. We went, came back, Mom lived another 6 months, bounced back and was doing well, then suddenly she was gone over night. Life is very fragil at for seniors.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Will you have guilt feelings probably, will they pass probably, will it all work out in the long run - mostly likely. I think what matters most is not what you do in the last moments of someones life but what you have done all their life, in terms of giving one peace.

[S&S Cruisers 1983]

I would go visit her now. Talk to her about the great trip that you have had planned. She may be very happy that you will be taking her grandson on this special trip. As for your son, I would give him the choice of staying home, provided that he will have an adult to take care of anything he may need while you are gone. Just my thoughts.

[skandls]

I would go on your cruise unless their are ex-family members that really need your support. As others have said go say your respects to her and other relatives before she passes.

[jamessemaj]

I have already said that I would help as much as possible, but go on the cruise. I have been thinking about your mention of the saving and cost of the cruise for you and your husband, and what a sacrifice it would be to cancel. My thought is about your husband, who I assume has no stake in this other than your concerns. He deserves primary consideration. Not to complicate matters more, but I would hope that you wouldn't spend the cruise worrying about your decision.

 

It's not easy and I really hope it all comes out OK. I think the final decision should rest with you, your husband, and your son, who I would allow to make his own decision. Don't look back once you decide.