I feel like a horrible person

[warmwinds]

My husband and I cruise every year or two, and we love it. We now always go alone, we get a table for two, we hole up on our aft balcony...but we do often meet people and have a lot of fun, so we aren't total hermits. We just like our privacy.

 

We have also cruised with friends and family in the past, and it's a whole different dynamic. We choose not to do it anymore...the only exception is when our grandkids are old enough we'll start taking them with us.

 

My problem, and the reason I feel terrible, is that my sister-in-law has no one to travel with anymore. She is our age (60), not married, no kids, lots of friends...but none that can really afford to cruise or that want to go to the same places she wants to go to. This shouldn't be OUR problem, right?

 

Well, we visited with her last week (she lives in another state) and she said something like "I'd LOVE to go on a cruise, and I want to go to Alaska...but no one wants to go with me"...well, GULP, we're sitting there with a cruise to Alaska booked for September.

 

We do NOT want to travel with her, or anyone. But yes her, specifically...she is ok in small doses but I really would go insane/be upset and angry all the time if I had to spend 10 days with her (or even a week). I'm not saying we're perfect...far from it...but as husband and wife we just get along, have our own rhythm, know what I mean? We didn't say we were going, but of course she's eventually going to know. I just said something generic like "oh, you'd hate traveling with us, we just hole up and don't want to talk to anyone when we travel"...but now I feel bad. And guilty. I really, really, really don't want to invite her, but my sense of family, obligation and kindness is rearing its ugly head.

 

Have you ever been in this position and what did you do?

[lambcom]

I'm afraid I can't offer any help -I just hope your sister-in-law has never heard of Cruise Critic and isn't sitting in front of her computer reading your post!

 

George +

[excitedofharpenden]

I've never been in that position. The only pieces of advice I'd offer is certainly don't feel bad about it and sometimes honesty is the best policy. Just tell her how much you and your husband value your own time together and that's why you no longer take cruises with friends and family. Or you could keep quiet, give her a nice book of Alaska and then tell her all about the place when you get back;)

 

Phil

[Lois R]

I am in the same position as Phil~Hi Phil:)....I have never had that problem either. But I am thinking with all the folks on this forum there

are bound to be others who have....hopefully they can help you some advice. Telling you not to feel guilty probably won't help....but try not to....

[brian_uk]

There really is no answer but you seem to want to use this forum as a confessional.

 

What ever advice anyone gives you is wrong as YOU have stated your position with zero options.

 

So frankly just get on with your life and let her do the same.

 

Brian

[islandgirlejfan]

My husband and are are very social people. There's a joke that circulates among our friends that the party doesn't start until we have arrived....just so you understand what kind of people we are. However we have vacationed with friends, not on cruises but on land tours. We find it very stressful and like our time alone. Everyone in our groups knows I'm a planner and they just assume that I'll line up everything. When we are on a cruise, there is no particular mission. If we feel like vegging, that's what we do. Our best friends can be a lot of work and I don't want to feel like we're the entertainment committee. There was a couple from our Miata group that we would have liked to accompany us on this cruise because they are sort of independent thinkers like ourselves, but they can't make it. I only wanted them to go because I knew they wouldn't be offended if we said we were just going to hang out on the balcony. Most of our friends would have been totally offended if we were not all enjoying time together.

 

I think the reply above about valuing your time with your husband is a great response and you are being honest. I'm finding more and more that we are faced with saying things like this more and more with different expectations that people have of us, so I think it's a fair response.:)

[boop3]

HI Warmwinds!

 

I can relate to your situation. My DH and I do the same thing. Travel alone do the table for 2 and socialize when we feel like it.

 

I have a sister that is much older than me. I am the only one in the family that has any thing to do with her (many issues there )

 

As far as you sister in law is concerned you many encourage her to get involved with senior groups in the area that travel. Or where I live in Syracuse NY the Chamber of commerce plans trips all over the world and this is a safe opportunity for people that are traveling solo to meet new folks with like minded travel plans.

 

So no need to feel guilty with the time you and hubby and spend alone. We all work hard and deserve it!

 

Good Luck!

Nora

[Allis154]

Been this this situation. Here is what we did.

 

We told the other party that a cruise is the only time that we get to spend together alone (we are busy the rest of the year). If they would like to join us, that would have to respect that, get their own room and be prepared to spend time by themselves. We wouldn't ignore them the whole cruise, but wouldn't be with them all the time either. That was fine with them.

 

When the trip actual came, it work out pretty well. They had a cabin on the other side of the ship, we met up once a day and went ashore a couple of times together and that was it.

 

Ours worked out well enough that we have done it a few times now. And they travel by themselves on occasion now that they are 'seasoned'.

 

The trick is..Be upfront and perfectly clear on your expectations and make sure they are clear on them as well.

[Can'tstopcruising]

I think this is a very touchy situation. When your sil learns that you are going to Alaska, and knowing she wants to go, still you don't ask her along, she will not be very happy with you. From her perspective, it will be a slap in the face.

 

You know your sil. A cruise is probably the best type of trip to have her along, because she really can find her own activities and meet people easily (if she is so inclined).

 

Perhaps when you tell her about the cruise, you can mention that you and your husband like your Quiet Time alone, but would have dinner with her every evening.

 

Would that be a suitable compromise?

 

Family relationships are precious, althought they usually are far from perfect. The best solution would be to find a way to keep the peace. Good luck!

[Boiler Fan]

I understand your dilemma - my DH and I between us have a single sister, as single brother, a single daughter, a married son and daughter-in-law. It's a small family, but we do enjoy each other (to a certain extent). The way that we have made it work is to be very upfront about not doing things just to please others.

 

DH, our daughter, my sister, and I are leaving Sat. on the Eclipse for our second cruise together (Adjoining cabins) We all know that we can each do our own thing and no one will be offended. We do things together when everyone wants to, but no one minds if anyone opts out. And we feel free to be honest about it. We generally eat together, but not always, and during the day we all do our own thing. DH and I have done lots of things just us. Our last cruise was fabulous.

 

Perhaps you could just be upfront and honest with your sister about including her in the cruise, but that you'd like to spend most of the time alone. Get her involved with cruise critic and a connections party - maybe she would find some other singles to do things with on the cruise. Just a thought.

 

Hope you can resolve your issues and can have a wonderful cruise!

[Project_gal]

If it is any help, I feel that you have done the right thing but you could now follow up with some practical help. Look up information about solo cruising, single supplements, etc. Introduce your sister-in-law to the appropriate solo cruising cruise critic boards and explain to her the importance of choising the right cruise line, ship and itinerary to get what SHE needs from a cruise. That is the way that she will get the best cruise experience and not by accompanying a couple who have different needs and requirements.

 

Sue

[curiouscat]

I can relate....I just was put in a position where I had an opportunity to sail on the Oasis and my husband could not get off from work. My elderly mom is alone and I ,mistakenly,asked her to join me. Well, we have had a contentious relationship our whole life and not even on a wonderful cruise did she relent and she made it tense and un pleasant environment.

...:eek:

 

My point is .... you can 't please everyone so at least please yourself....:p

 

I know it's hard but you don't owe her anything and it's not up to you to be her travel companion. I would try to suggest she find someone in her group to go with her. I will never travel with anyone except my hubby again.

 

CC

[AviGirl]

You have nothing to feel guilty about! This is your vacation and you have every right to spend your vacation any way you want. Hubby and I are very similar, we enjoy meeting people but our vacations are a very private time for us, we nap when we want to nap, we eat when we want to eat, etc., and have no interest in "entertaining" or worrying about someone else. We give ourselves one week a year just for this and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. We also occasionally sail with family, but that's a completely separate cruise all together.

 

Last year hubby couldn't make a cruise so I asked one of my best friends to join me for a four nighter. We get along so well and have such a great time on land but during the cruise, being together for that amount of time put a strain on our friendship. Thankfully we resolved it when we got home but I know that I will not sail/vacation with anyone but hubby. The two of us are so "in tuned" with one another it's wonderful.

 

Stop feeling guilty and have a fantastic time in September! :D

[MEcruzr]

If you end up feeling obliged to invite her... why not suggest she find a "room mate". That way they can do their thing and you can do yours. It would be easier to separate if she has a friend to hang out with. Is this your SIL, or dh's SIL?

[cynbar]

Well, this is a choice you have to make, and it is a very personal decision that no one can really help you with. She will certainly be offended, at least a little, as people are when they are not invited to a wedding or a party or whatever--- you probably can't avoid that. But I agree with others, don't ask her to join you if you don't want to vacation with her, it will only lead to more problems in the long run. The thing you have going for you is that you don't want to vacation with anyone except your husband -- it's not as if you are excluding her while planning trips with a variety of others. If it were me, I would write her a note soon and just explain that you two value your alone time, then let the chips fall where they may.

[true45]

Warmwinds,

First, you have no reason to feel guilty -- but in order to possibly help your relationship with your SIL, I suggest you tell her right away about your Alaska plans. I would phrase it that it is a special celebration for the 2 of you (such as a 2nd honeymoon) so that she may not feel excluded. It is your vacation after all.

 

My DH & I have most of our cruises alone. We tried a couple of times to cruise with friends, but it just doesn't work. The best part of cruising is doing what you feel like in the moment whether entertainment, meals, sitting in lounge chair on the deck -- and not compromising to please your friends or family.

 

Another poster suggested telling SIL about Cruise Critic groups -- our last cruise had several members who hooked up for tours as they were travelling alone --sounds like a great idea.

 

Happy cruising.

[garycarla]

maybe you can let he know how much it will cost for her to go, and really, really keep the price high, and she may not be able to afford it.

 

but, if she does go, I agree with an earlier poster - make the expectations clear upfront. Pretty much impossible to do so once on the cruise.

[aragorn764]

Totally know how you feel! I am kind of in the same boat but with my mother in law!! Just insist on the fact that you need the alone time...that's what i did!

[ehschief]

We cruise with others all the time but do our own thing. It is not necessary to hang out together all the time. It is nice to see a familiar face.

 

I would tell her and invite her, if small doses is all you can take then see her only in small doses. It is probably horrible to be alone, give her a break. Having her find a travel mate would be the best. At 60 she surely should have a friend who can afford it.

[Hapytocruise]

I feel your pain. My DH and I also enjoy our alone time. I agree that explaining just how much time you would be prepared (if any) to spend with her would lay some ground rules her being completely on her own on a first time cruise you are likely to bend and spend more time than you would really prefer. Single supplement costs as much as two people in a cabin - while your SiL does not have friends who can afford the entire cruise perhaps she has at least one who could cover getting to the dock and home along with tips and alcohol. She would then have her own companion and a very grateful friend.:)

[Carolin]

I suggest a senior travel group. She will meet like minded people who love to travel but have no one to travel with. As she gets to know them better, she will not depend on you so much. Suggest it. You never know. She may take to the suggestion like a duck to water. Good luck.

[BamaD]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you discussed "rhythm." DH and I have travelled alone - and with others that we really cared for. Falling into your own "cruise rhythm" is what makes this type of vacation so relaxing.

 

It is almost impossible to achieve with others - especially if they are solo and you feel responsible for them.

 

As hard as it is, I would have the full discussion with her before the cruise - so that there is nothing hanging over you.

 

Enjoy your cruise!

[madelinerose]

We do NOT want to travel with her, or anyone.

 

And guilty. I really, really, really don't want to invite her...

 

Then, really, really don't invite her. ;)

 

What's wrong with telling someone that your cruise is strictly for the 2 of you?

 

IMO, you answered your own question. Self-imposed guilt and stress will only raise your cortisol level. Good luck. ;)

[warmwinds]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.

 

One thing I'd like to clarify, that I missed in the first post, is that while MOST of her friends can't afford it, there are 2 who can...her best friend (who she has traveled with in the past, but now says what a pain she is and she doesn't like to go places with her) and her platonic "boyfriend" of 20 years (who she also travels with)...both of them have said "we'll go on a cruise with you, but we don't want to go to Alaska...we like hot sunny beaches"...so it's not like she's a poor lonely lady, far from it. It's just that THEY refuse to compromise what THEY like to do to go someplace she wants.

 

It's a total coincidence she brought up Alaska at the time we already had it booked...we were on course going to tell her, but just not 8 months ahead.

 

She is my husband's sister, so my sil.

[Breezey]

Been there, done that with friends. One where another couple asked if it were ok to come with us to Alaska. Kind of stuck in that I couldn't say, in this ship of 2000, you cannot come. Not the same as if it were the 2 of us.

 

Next one up, a big anniversary cruise we booked and another couple (not the ones we went with to Alaska) said do you want company. This time I just said, we are going for our anniversary and would prefer to keep it to the 2 of us. Know they were slightly hurt, I felt guilty, but in the end, we had to do what was right for us. Do what is right for you. Your SIL will need to find someone else to go with.