Deep question - would like input.

[mytwokidsmom]

You need to celebrate everyday. You never know when it will be your last.

We took a very spontaneous cruise out of Boston in July of 2012. We surprised our kids, and had many relatives join us. There were 30 of us, myself, husband, son, daughter, dad, step-mom and many more family and friends.

Ten days after the glorious cruise my dad found out he had a tumor the size of a softball in his liver. It had spread there from his bile ducts. Four months later we celebrated Thanksgiving, fairly certain it would be my dad's last. I wish I had known it would be my husband's last. I found his body on my kitchen floor five days after Thanksgiving. My dad last eight months after that. My sister lost her mother in law two months after losing our dad. All three of them enjoyed the cruise. And all of us have everlasting memories.

I've been on two cruises since, as a widow, with my two teenagers. I didn't have the best time, but the kids had fun. So, my advice is to cruise when you have the chance, because life is really too short...it especially was for husband who had a fatal heart attack at 51, with no cardiac history whatsoever.

[CatlinSTJ]

Carmel, I am sorry for all your stress and would very much like to encourage you to speak to a counselor about everything you have bottled up inside.

 

I very much believe that every moment we have in life is a precious gift. Be it cancer, heart attack, car accident - any of us could be gone tomorrow. My husband is my other half and I couldn't imagine going on without him, but the reality is that someday I may have to. I can't dwell on that or let him keep me from enjoying today with him.

 

We recently lost a long time friend, he was the "baby" of our group and it threw us all for more than a shock. It really hit us that any of us could be gone though none of us are old by any means (40ish, give or take.) It really hit home that petty arguments, hurt feelings, etc. aren't worth it. I want my husband to know that I love and appreciate him and we're not putting off life for "someday" that may never happen.

 

 

Next cruise: Carnival Breeze June 2014

[dljones]

Yes, a deep question to be sure, and entirely appropriate for this forum imho. Life offers no guarantees if you are in perfect health or otherwise. Just spend time with your loved ones and enjoy it to the best of your abilities.

[samiam0403]

I've been pondering your question/situation all day, OP. And here's what I've got - one personal experience, and one arm-chair therapy. :)

 

I was diagnosed with invasive cancer just under 2 years ago as a 'youngster' in my 30s. It is a terrible thing to have to deal with. We got angry, we cried, we took turns breaking down. And then we dealt with it like we had to. And throughout it all, we also remembered to laugh when we could. To enjoy every moment we could. Towards the end of the year, I took my first solo cruise because I was damned if 2012 was going to be the year I got cancer AND didn't go on a cruise. You absolutely have to enjoy the moments you have and remind yourself to focus on each perfect moment. They are few and far enough between, those perfect moments. But when they happen - those moments where your entire family is laughing so hard you can hardly speak, those moments when you and your husband just look at each other and know what the other is thinking, those moments when you truly enjoy a sunset - those are the things we remember. Those are the things we tried our hardest to focus on when the awfulness was closing in. It's hard, but you can do it. And if you need help to do it, there is absolutely no shame in doing so.

 

And that brings me to point number two. I'm wondering if, in your husband's initial diagnosis, you weren't the strong one, the one who took care of everyone and never let them see you cry. If so, then maybe that's why it's happening now - maybe now that it's in-situ and more 'manageable,' if your finally letting yourself get angry, cry and really FEEL everything that you had to push away before. Like I said, arm-chair therapy from afar only. I'm probably very wrong. But either way, you've been through a LOT - care takers work so hard and get so few breaks - and it sounds like you might want to find a support group or therapist to talk to. I like to joke with my husband that I had the easy part - I just got to lay around a lot and take good drugs while he did all the stressing and hard work. :D

 

I hope you find some peace soon, OP. You and your husband sound lovely and I would love to meet you on a ship some day. :)

Edited April 8, 2014 by samiam0403

[txponycruiser]

I'm sorry, but your attitude as a health professional pisses me off as a fellow member of the health profession. Your husband has been diagnosed and cured TWICE of cancer. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 69 in November. It is progressing rapidly. AsI'm sure you know, there is no treatment or cure for Alzheimer's. What I wouldn't give for him to have cancer or some other cureable disease.

 

Count your blessings and be THANKFUL your husband knows who you are, has been cured, and will continue to live a very full life.

[2 cruzen]

I found this on the Port of Call section of Cruise Critic from a very brave cancer survivor. Maybe this will help.

 

Almost 2 years ago, my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, renewing our vows on a lovely beach in Barbados with family and friends, cruising the Caribbean on a Princess cruise ship, and ending our vacation with a much anticipated week in St. Barts. While enjoying our second day on the island, I decided to go “native” and get some sun on my very white breasts. While applying sunscreen, I felt a lump about the size of a lima bean on the top of my right breast. A little shocking, to say the least since I had a mammogram in May and it was clear. We enjoyed the rest of our week, and I didn’t worry about the lump, there was no history of cancer in my family. When we returned home I got into the doctors right away, had an ultrasound and a lumpectomy and was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on Nov. 11, 2011. While going through PET scans, MRI’s and numerous other tests, the doctors also found thyroid cancer. Today, I am “cancer free” after 2 lumpectomies, a thyroidectomy, 4 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation!

 

Dear Cancer,

I hate you! I hate that fighting you made my hair fall out! Fighting you made my eyelashes and eyebrows fall out! Fighting you sapped all my energy to take care of my family! Fighting you sapped my desire to work out, and made my body too weak to work out, even if I could! Fighting you took me away from my teenage daughter, during her first “boyfriend” and first break-up. Fighting you took me away from my grandson, who’s first words were, “Nana sleeping...” Fighting you had been one decision after another on which scars I would carry for the rest of my life! Fighting you has felt like it was killing me and some moments, of some days, I wish I had died! Fighting you has made me question my God, and ask why would He do this to me?

But.....

I love you! I love that fighting you has made me stronger! I love that because of my fight with you, my hair is coming in curly, my eyelashes came in longer and my eyebrows are in great shape. I love that fighting you has made me more aware of how to take care of my body and not overdo things, and softer muscles are exactly what a grandson needs to cuddle up to. I love that fighting you helped my daughter realize how important our relationship is and how much she needs me! Fighting you left me scars that I will have for the rest of my life to remind me, that you aren’t so tough, but I AM!! Fighting you makes me look at my big toe every morning, and if there’s no tag on it, I can see that I’m going to have a great day! Fighting you has made me realize what a great man I have in my husband, who fought you right by my side every step of the way! Fighting you has made me realize that God loves me more than I even knew and has brought me closer to my Him through constant prayer, as He is the One who gave me the strength to kick your butt!!

 

An unwilling, but grateful cancer survivor!!!

Cheryl

[tsj]

Carmel,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

My MIL was diagnosed a few weeks ago with stage 4 Lung Cancer. Her prognosis is poor and she is currently undergoing chemo in hopes of extending and improving her "quality of life" She is our daughters only surviving grandparent and she means the world to them. My husband is an only child and she has no other family in this country.

We have a B2B scheduled in May, she wants to go and we hope she will be well enough. As others have said we will make all the good memories we can for her and for ourselves.

One other thing I would like to share. I lost my Dad in 2001, he became ill suddenly and died in just a few months. He was a devout Christian. He had a daily habit of writing a prayer or meditation on an index card, he would keep the card in his shirt pocket to help him focus on the things that matter most. He had such a card in his pocket the last time he entered the hospital. It said.

 

"Give us. O lord, Grateful hearts which do not waste time complaining"

 

That message has been a wonderful reminder to me in tough times. He is a father I am so proud of.

It sounds like your husband is someone you and your children can be proud of too.

I know its hard. but try to give yourself and your family this time to be happy and make more great memories. You deserve it.

Teri

[Mama's looking good]

Hello! I didn't read all of the replies, so forgive me if I repeat something others have said.

 

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Stage 2A in October 2013, I am 41 years old. I sent one child (21 yo son) to work at Disney and am preparing to send my 17 yo daughter to college. I planned a cruise AFTER I started chemotherapy. I have completed 8 rounds (16 weeks) of chemotherapy and am planning a mastectomy in June.

 

My faith got stronger after my diagnosis, while I did ask "why me?" I know it's a test and I know I'm not alone in my fight.

 

I planned our cruise because I want to celebrate my life and my family. I don't want my kids to look back in years and think that I gave up or that their lives were different somehow because I had cancer. I want my daughter to see me as a fighter so I fight.

 

Go on your cruise with your family, make wonderful memories!!! You are right, we are all terminal and we don't know when our term will be up so enjoy!!! Live each day to the fullest and love your family!!

 

ENJOY!!!!!

 

~Karen

[oregonjuli]

Think of the cruise not so much as a celebration of what all you have recently been through and overcome, but more of a moment in time where you can just enjoy life and each other.

 

My DH and I have not had the trials you have, but when we cruise, we dont talk about last week or year, or the kids at home, or next week and the work that is piled up waiting for us. We are in the moment. None of us know how many moments we will have, and for now this is our moment. Things of the past or the uncertainty of the future arent welcome in the present. You may have to physically tell yourself each time those angry thoughts come into your head, but take each one captive and tell it that its not allowed to ruin your moment.

[Lozzanz]

Hi Carmel,

I thought the best thing I could contribute, was to share a little bit.

My wife and I, mid 40's, from New Zealand booked our first cruise last July. We were so excited to get away, see new parts of the world, meet new people; all the wonderful things a holiday brings!

We had to cancel when our 16 year old son was diagnosed with Leukaemia. We went through what I guess you and most families that are struck by cancer go through. All the questions, fear, anger and uncertainties.

At the end of a tough year, our boy had a stem cell transplant, and we've all come out the other end with a set of experiences we never wanted to have, but had.

We have now re-booked our first cruise in may. Its crazy soon, and we cant wait.

Our son has a very similar attitude to your husband. We witnessed a strength in him that we had no idea he had.

I had a tough time after the critical period was over, it was as if I'd been in limbo as i supported him through that year, and when it was over, I didnt know how to be, and there was this massive relief, coupled with the fear of what could have been.

We take the celebration view. He could relapse. We hope he doesnt. But are clear that we'll celebrate that we came out on the right side of the ledger.

So, to answer your question, I think that you choose to celebrate that your husband is a survivor (physically and emotionallY by the sounds of it) and have an awesome holiday together.

We wish you all the best for a great holiday, and a wonderful life together.

Laurence and Trudi

[cjknox]

I'm quite sure this is in the wrong forum but for the life of me, I'm not sure where it goes. I'm going on the Sunshine in two weeks so I figured I would stick it here.

 

I have a deep question for you all. I'm kinda struggling here. My husband has been diagnosed with two cancers in the past 7 years. The first was Hodgkins which he beat and is in year 6 of remission. The second is an in situ cancer (completely contained and not spread) where they simply surgically removed it. I found out about this last Friday.

 

I feel very broken in spirit. I used to have a very strong faith but that has diminished. For some, their faith grows when they beat cancer. For me, I got totally #@%#^ at whatever supreme being allowed it to happen in the first place. I work in a hospital and every time I see a bald child in the children's cancer wing, I question....WHY?

 

My husband and I are relatively young. Mid 40s. We have a 15yr old, 11 yr old, and a 3 yr old. I had my life all planned out to be sitting by him on the patio drinking coffee at sunrise well into our 70s. Now, I'm overcome with just how little control I have over that.

 

Hubby is looking at this cruise as a celebration. His cancer was 'good' - in situ. I refuse to attach the word 'good' to any cancer. I have fantasies of squeezing the life out of cancer cells and laughing at them taking their last, gasping breath. Yeah, I'm walking around pretty pissed right now.

 

I guess my question is - what is the use of enjoying this vacation? I know, some of you are like, this chick is crazy! But I'm being serious. If I'm going to make amazing memories of walking the Baths with my girls and hubby or watching our toddler build sand castles, won't it hurt that much more if something happens? The sweeter life it, the more it hurts when it all goes south. It is almost like I want to close myself into a dark room and not care about anyone or anything to avoid hurt. Selfish? Yes. But, my spirit is so broken right now.

 

I just don't see how people can fully enjoy life when there is always that threat of the other shoe dropping. I'm so blessed with my family. I love them so much that it is painful. Anything happening to them would destroy me.

 

Hubby looks at his Hodgkins as a gift. What was terrifying and horrendous to me was something that gave him great joy to parcel out just how precious life is. It left him grateful and happy. It left me angry and afraid.

 

I must say, if you met me on the street, you would have no idea I feel this way. I hold down a full time job, am a fabulous mother (if I do say so myself)....by all appearances, I'm not some seething, dark, afraid person. But it is there. Always. I was lucky enough to marry my soul-mate. I'm quite confident there is no one in this world who was better matched for me (and I for him). That knowledge is wonderful but also scary.

 

I guess I'm rambling at this point. I had been looking so forward to this cruise with my girls, my DH and my parents. It has been a bad winter and I couldn't wait to get in the sun and heat. Now, I don't even want to go. I have a sort of 'what is the use'.

 

The truth is, whatever cancer he had was either cut out completely or he will have another resection on Friday. I'm in health care and have access to all sorts of journals. Most journals don't even classify this as a true cancer. Pre-cancer is the term that is used. We see the oncologist on Friday and the best thing he can say to me is that I can view this as the skin cancers people get taken off. Those don't scare me. I've had a couple myself.

 

Please, if you could take a second and, I don't know, give some suggestions on how I can get back to that excitement I had before the path report came back. All of us are terminal. None of us live forever. I know there are people out there that are in MUCH worse places than I am. I'm in awe of their strength and courage. I want to be able to cherish the good times without this 'what if' hanging over my head.

 

Thanks - ya'll may think I'm a loon for posting on a cruise board but I've been on this board forever and so many share my feelings on so many things - we treat cruises as not just the week we are gone but the prep before, the planning.....it is so much more than those 7 days. For us, cruising is our reward for the years spent living on Ramen, studying until 3am. It is the week or two where we glue ourselves to each other's hips and get to know one another again. It is the week we talk about for months afterwards.

 

I can certainly empathize with your situation but one thing I can say is to take the cruise; and although you may think it may make matters worse if something does happen to your husband, in the long run you will fondly remember the moments that you shared and a special occasion like a cruise will create memories that last a lifetime. Stay strong my friend.

[IBsaved]

Now is time you need to run TOWARDS God, not away. When you are at your weakest, that's when He is the strongest.

[mosaic_mom]

I understand how you feel and I can tell you that it is normal. Cancer took your security blanket and knocked down your wall of protection. I've been through severe anemia with my daughter, melanoma cancer and basal cell carcinoma with hubby as well as hip replacement and internal bleeding. I felt like you did and then convinced myself that I needed to see the victory in my family having gone through these things and coming out the other side still intact. I focused a lot of attention on my only child and we were closer than most mom and daughter can be. I wanted to treasure every second with her as if it were our last. I guess this was my way of healing from all her and my husband had been through.

 

I am glad I did that, as 8 months ago, my only child, 25 years old, died suddenly of a blood clot while we were finishing up a fun evening at home together. Never saw that coming. My life is a mess and we were faced in December 2013 with taking a cruise she had booked and paid for the 3 of us. We went and I am so glad we did. Can't say it was easy, but I can say it was good for our hearts.

 

So treasure the victory of overcoming his cancer and go make everything you do as enjoyable as you can. Enjoy your cruise !! Be thrilled that he has such a good outlook. That's a lot of the help with the recovery.

[joeyancho]

Sorry to hear about your pain. I wish I had an answer. I am a religious man and I have the same questions. Why do bad things happen to good people? No one knows. This is not a perfect world. The next one will be. I will keep you in my prayers. Enjoy your cruise, memories are precious.

[Jenna1983]

Besides your husband, you have three reasons why you should make and have a good time on vacation. Life has it's ups and downs and you know better than anyone how it can change in an instance. But you owe it to your husband, your kids and yourself to make memories and have a great time.

[Caribbeanqueen03]

Many cancers are now 100% cureable. Don't ruin your trip. Life is good. Enjoy what time you have with each day of life.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Forums

[latin princess]

Hi

 

am so sorry that you and your family have been in this situation. I dont know if you are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her work on grief-

 

"Kübler-Ross originally developed this model based on her observations of people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded her theory to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well as many tragedies and disasters (and even minor losses)."- also applies to you as you feared/fear the loss of you family life as you know it and indeed the fear of loosing your husband. Basically she theorized that there are five stages of coming to through life changing situations

 

 

1) Anger

2) Denial

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

 

I would wager a bet (having seen relatives of patients go through this numerous times) that you have been through stages 1-3 are now deep in stage 4, and I will guarantee that you will get to stage 5, who knows maybe the cruise will get you there. Please, Please Please get some help with stage 4, don't be afraid, or embarrassed to ask for help, many of us have needed this help. Go speak to your doctor, take their advice and the prescription

 

 

Accept all the hugs and love from this site - sometime easier to accept than physical hugs which can often cause you to break down.

 

When away take time to spoil yourself as well as spend time with DH and the kids, maybe some time in the spa- you have been through the mill and need to take care of you. Your DH and kids will benefit from you feeling better too. If the spa offers couples treatments, how about that as special time for the two of you. You deserve it.

 

Take care and please keep us posted

[champagne123]

I understand how you feel and I can tell you that it is normal. Cancer took your security blanket and knocked down your wall of protection. I've been through severe anemia with my daughter, melanoma cancer and basal cell carcinoma with hubby as well as hip replacement and internal bleeding. I felt like you did and then convinced myself that I needed to see the victory in my family having gone through these things and coming out the other side still intact. I focused a lot of attention on my only child and we were closer than most mom and daughter can be. I wanted to treasure every second with her as if it were our last. I guess this was my way of healing from all her and my husband had been through.

 

I am glad I did that, as 8 months ago, my only child, 25 years old, died suddenly of a blood clot while we were finishing up a fun evening at home together. Never saw that coming. My life is a mess and we were faced in December 2013 with taking a cruise she had booked and paid for the 3 of us. We went and I am so glad we did. Can't say it was easy, but I can say it was good for our hearts.

 

So treasure the victory of overcoming his cancer and go make everything you do as enjoyable as you can. Enjoy your cruise !! Be thrilled that he has such a good outlook. That's a lot of the help with the recovery.

 

My heart aches for you....:(

[goose30]

I have suffered from a chronic illness for 40 years, had a heart valve replaced 4 years ago, underwent chemo for cancer 1 year ago and still fighting it.

 

I will not feel sorry for myself or let anyone else do so. I will continue to move on and take it as it comes. It is hard sometimes but the alternative is not so good.

 

Every day I look at all the things I will be able to do when I get better including going on another cruise.

 

Buck up, get help you owe it to yourself and your family.

Edited April 8, 2014 by goose30

[Grannycb]

Carmel,

For me, the one who has been on chemo for the past six months, the cruise we took last week was like pouring sunshine into my soul. It allowed us to live in the moment. We had a great time with lots of laughter. Real life is back with doctor appointments this week, however, I'm going into whatever the next round will be stronger and with a recharged spirit. I'm also looking forward to my next cruise in six months. I hope you go on your cruise.

[sc4125]

I'm sorry, but your attitude as a health professional pisses me off as a fellow member of the health profession. Your husband has been diagnosed and cured TWICE of cancer. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 69 in November. It is progressing rapidly. AsI'm sure you know, there is no treatment or cure for Alzheimer's. What I wouldn't give for him to have cancer or some other cureable disease.

 

Count your blessings and be THANKFUL your husband knows who you are, has been cured, and will continue to live a very full life.

 

I tried so hard to just ignore you as everyone else did, but I have never been able to let a bully get by with it.

 

Your attitude as a health professional pisses me off because you, sir, are a jerk! I can't imagine you showing any empathy for the patients you deal with - hopefully you're in the health profession as someone who works behind the scenes.

 

Several members of my family are also "in the health profession" and yet, they too are human - they suffer with depression at times just like everyone else.

[hn7609]

If I'm going to make amazing memories of walking the Baths with my girls and hubby or watching our toddler build sand castles, won't it hurt that much more if something happens? The sweeter life it, the more it hurts when it all goes south. It is almost like I want to close myself into a dark room and not care about anyone or anything to avoid hurt. Selfish? Yes. But, my spirit is so broken right now.

 

I just don't see how people can fully enjoy life when there is always that threat of the other shoe dropping.

 

I find so much wrong in your statements I don't know where to start. I have Lou Gehrigs disease and there is no threat of the other shoe droping......it will drop in the next few years. I certainly don't want the memories of my wife and teenagers to be of me withering away in my hospital bed at home. We are going on the Liberty this summer and we hope to make some of the amazing memories that you are seeking to avoid. To be honest with you I'd be more comfortable at home with my hospital bed, liquid food, bathroom, etc. On a cruise its not a treat for me needing to be helped in and out of the bed, being unable to even hold my head up to eat in the dining room, or not being able to do excursions with them, but I'm going to suck it up and go with my wife and children in the hopes that we will have some amazing memories that they will be able to look back on...........not the memories of me in the bed in the dining room.

 

Go ahead take that trip.........make some amazing memories, one day when you need it most those memories will take you to a happy place

[tkportersat]

Ugh, ALS....this runs in my family. My Aunt was the last one to have it, at age 55. I hope you have a wonderful trip with your family, prayers to all of you during this difficult time.

 

I find so much wrong in your statements I don't know where to start. I have Lou Gehrigs disease and there is no threat of the other shoe droping......it will drop in the next few years. I certainly don't want the memories of my wife and teenagers to be of me withering away in my hospital bed at home. We are going on the Liberty this summer and we hope to make some of the amazing memories that you are seeking to avoid. To be honest with you I'd be more comfortable at home with my hospital bed, liquid food, bathroom, etc. On a cruise its not a treat for me needing to be helped in and out of the bed, being unable to even hold my head up to eat in the dining room, or not being able to do excursions with them, but I'm going to suck it up and go with my wife and children in the hopes that we will have some amazing memories that they will be able to look back on...........not the memories of me in the bed in the dining room.

 

Go ahead take that trip.........make some amazing memories, one day when you need it most those memories will take you to a happy place

[tkportersat]

I'm going to chalk your post up to being stressed and angry over your current situation and not beat you up about it. But you have no right to discount what someone else is going through. Life is full of many blessings and it is also filled with much sorrow, losing a loved one or watching them suffer is the worst part of life. My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

I'm sorry, but your attitude as a health professional pisses me off as a fellow member of the health profession. Your husband has been diagnosed and cured TWICE of cancer. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 69 in November. It is progressing rapidly. AsI'm sure you know, there is no treatment or cure for Alzheimer's. What I wouldn't give for him to have cancer or some other cureable disease.

 

Count your blessings and be THANKFUL your husband knows who you are, has been cured, and will continue to live a very full life.

[tkportersat]

While I can appreciate most of what you wrote, I can't ignore the word Bully. That word has become trendy and is being used so freely it really discounts people that truly are/have been bullied. I don't think the poster was being a bully, the poster is stressed because of their profession and from seeing the health of their loved one deteriorate. Big difference.

 

I tried so hard to just ignore you as everyone else did, but I have never been able to let a bully get by with it.

 

Your attitude as a health professional pisses me off because you, sir, are a jerk! I can't imagine you showing any empathy for the patients you deal with - hopefully you're in the health profession as someone who works behind the scenes.

 

Several members of my family are also "in the health profession" and yet, they too are human - they suffer with depression at times just like everyone else.