Tired of the Responsibility!!

[WupperAV]

I've been married 26 years and we both share in planning the trip, tours and even what we will eat is discussed. We are diverse,I get up at sunrise and have coffee, she doesn't drink it. She get's up when I get hungry and we have breakfast-brunch together. She reads, 5 books a week, I spend my time lounging, going to different things and napping. We always spend from around 5-midnight together. I don't know why you don't share the whole experience. sounds like the word we never use in marriage is headed your way.:eek:

[Warm Breezes]

I've been married 26 years and we both share in planning the trip, tours and even what we will eat is discussed. We are diverse,I get up at sunrise and have coffee, she doesn't drink it. She get's up when I get hungry and we have breakfast-brunch together. She reads, 5 books a week, I spend my time lounging, going to different things and napping. We always spend from around 5-midnight together. I don't know why you don't share the whole experience. sounds like the word we never use in marriage is headed your way.:eek:

 

I've been married 28 years and we are quite happy with our arrangement when planning vacations. It suits us. I do all the researching, which I love to do, I narrow it down, give him a brief synopsis, look for the thumbs up/down, narrow it down to a final choice and then let him know when the price is where I want it and book it. I do all the researching on excursions. Tell him which ones look good to me. Look for the thumbs up/down. If up I book, if not I look at other options. Usually I am just going to him for a thumbs or thumbs down and then about a week before we leave he starts asking where we are going an what we are doing as he has long since forgotten. He would go nuts if I expected him to share in the whole planning experience and I have no problems doing it.

 

We do however spend almost all of our cruise experience together. I may read my book (aka fall asleep) on the balcony while he is taking a nap in the cold cabin or I may head to the casino while he chills out watching a TV show for half an hour, but other than that we are together 24/7...and we love it that way.

 

My point is even if a relationship doesn't work like yours does, it doesn't mean they are heading for the big D. You found a way of planning vacations that works for you and your spouse for 26 years, DH and I have a different way that has worked for us for 28 years. Looks like OP is slightly unhappy with how she and her spouse is currently doing it...they just need to work together to find a way that works better for both of them, which may or may not mean sharing the whole planning experience.

[Gwendy]

I've been married 26 years and we both share in planning the trip, tours and even what we will eat is discussed. We are diverse,I get up at sunrise and have coffee, she doesn't drink it. She get's up when I get hungry and we have breakfast-brunch together. She reads, 5 books a week, I spend my time lounging, going to different things and napping. We always spend from around 5-midnight together. I don't know why you don't share the whole experience. sounds like the word we never use in marriage is headed your way.:eek:

This sounds like the ideal arrangement. When I travel with my daughter we do our own things and meet for dinner, sometimes lunch too. Shore excursions sometimes the same, sometime different. She is the ideal travel companion.

[klfrodo]

I like how everyone picked up on this portion of my post

 

Maybe, just maybe,, you're the problem.

 

Maybe in the past he did try and everything he did, he got shot down.

Maybe he got shot down so many times that he just said screw it. No matter what he did, how he did it, or why he did it was just never good enough.

.

 

And was able to miss this portion of the quote. Then again, maybe the first part just blew everyone's head off.

 

 

Or,,, he loves you and appreciates you so much that he would rather stay out of your way so you can make the dream holiday that will make you happy and that's all that concerns him.

.

[CapeCodCruiser]

I like how everyone picked up on this portion of my post

 

 

 

And was able to miss this portion of the quote. Then again, maybe the first part just blew everyone's head off.

 

Or maybe the first part was so offensive it negated the second part.

[navybankerteacher]

I like how everyone picked up on this portion of my post

 

 

 

And was able to miss this portion of the quote. Then again, maybe the first part just blew everyone's head off.

 

Well, it is always good to read the whole thing before pouncing on the first half

[biker@sea]

I hunt for deals.

When i see the right deal I always Say " Honey do want to go TO - She sez Yes." Always before I can say to where.

 

I don't plan much at all, We just go , wing it.

 

I booked a cruise last night.

 

We leave tomorrow. :D

[klfrodo]

Or maybe the first part was so offensive it negated the second part.

 

You're right of course.

I was offended by what I perceived as OP doing some husband bashing that I haven't given credit where OP has backed off a little and explained herself more thoroughly.

[Seago2]

I've got five grown children. Of course I do all of the planning. I could no more cede control of this than let someone else go grocery shopping for me. I'm hard wired to do the planning of the household things- and that includes the trips. Of course we sit here with the iPad deciding when, and what ship, and where. The rest? Well how many people does it take to compare prices, go through mock bookings, see if cabins are available, and pay the deposit? Should we both sit here together and call the kennel? Should we lovingly pack, side by side, me putting in the bathing suits, him singing a happy song and putting in the socks?

 

We decide:

When

Ship

Port of embarkation

Destination

How large of a ship we can tolerate

Whether we are staying in a hotel before

Whether we are flying

 

I:

Book it all (mainly because only one of us needs to see the total price....)

Clean the house

Take the dogs to the kennel

Pack

Go to the bank

Make sure the payments are made

Lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering what I'm about to forget

Stop the mail

 

He:

Drives the whole way there

Checks in to the hotel

Gets the bags up

Runs and gets us coffee

Gets me coffee throughout the cruise

Navigates our way on foot through port stops

Hauls the bags into the car

Drives home

 

Together we:

Decide what we are going to do in port while we are on the cruise

Decide on specialty restaurants

Comment on fellow passengers

Have a great time

[SeagoingMom]

Sorry, I'm going there since we're only getting one side of the story.

 

Maybe, just maybe,, you're the problem.

 

Maybe in the past he did try and everything he did, he got shot down.

Maybe he got shot down so many times that he just said screw it. No matter what he did, how he did it, or why he did it was just never good enough.

 

Or,,, he loves you and appreciates you so much that he would rather stay out of your way so you can make the dream holiday that will make you happy and that's all that concerns him.

 

Either way, I'm sure that he appreciates you coming onto a world wide web site and emasculating him like this.

I am behind you 100% on your analysis of this situation. You posted exactly what I thought when I read the OP, though I would not have had the chutzpah to have posted it myself! (Though I guess I do now, huh? :cool:)

 

Do not apologize; do not back down when others criticize your perception: you have a gift.

 

(I relate to what you said because you described ME in your post! :eek:

That being said, I will not personally admit to emasculating... though that doesn't mean I haven't done it...:o )

[SeagoingMom]

As the one who seems to do the 'finding of the cruise', all the research and all the other stuff that goes with having a fab holiday I sometimes find I'm worn down by the responsibility. Am I alone?

 

We usually decide on a destination/date together and then it is left to me to find something that fits the criteria. If DH 'approves' out comes the credit card, booking made and then everything else is left to me.

 

I'm convinced that if I didn't go near the computer again he would simply throw a few items (whether they were suitable or not) into a case and just arrive at the port ready to board :eek: Not sure what he'd do about excursions, etc.

 

I've asked him to take a more active role in making decisions but he always says 'but you know where to look better than I do' - well of course I do, because he won't :(

 

For example; as part of our next cruising package we will be on the Breakaway for 7 nights. Wrapped round this cruise is to and from New York on the QM2; couldn't be more different if you tried. I have explained to him the differences (he enjoys the formality of Cunard) but I'm not totally convinced he 'gets it'. So now, while he is really looking forward to the trip, I have this little nagging thought at the back of my mind that if he hates it will he blame me and then tell me I should have explained it better.

 

Actually this is the worst case scenario. WE ARE BOTH looking forward to the trip, especially as it includes 5 days in New York over Christmas. What more can any girl want........:D:D

 

BTW I've just watched a Cruise Show programme on the tv and it showed the Breakaway. She looks amazing; can't wait until December.

In spite of my snarky, but really tongue-in-cheek, previous post, I actually can relate to (read "share") your problem.

 

I am a doer -- DH is a thinker. Therefore, if we are going to actually do anything, I must make it happen. Do I like always being the one to make things happen? Not particularly. Am I willing to simply "think" and not "do?" Absolutely not!!! So I do what needs to be done, and DH goes along. It's just one of those things. He is usually grateful and enthusiastic.

 

Have you considered finding a travel agent to do the legwork for you? I believe they do actually still exist, in spite of the internet...

[mrs and mrs]

Wow,what a thread hey.

We have been together 20 yrs,and had to google emasculation.:D

Edited August 26, 2016 by mrs and mrs

[CapeCodCruiser]

You're right of course.

I was offended by what I perceived as OP doing some husband bashing that I haven't given credit where OP has backed off a little and explained herself more thoroughly.

 

You never did answer what was so emasculating about the original post.

 

 

I am behind you 100% on your analysis of this situation. You posted exactly what I thought when I read the OP, though I would not have had the chutzpah to have posted it myself! (Though I guess I do now, huh? :cool:)

 

Do not apologize; do not back down when others criticize your perception: you have a gift.

 

(I relate to what you said because you described ME in your post! :eek:

That being said, I will not personally admit to emasculating... though that doesn't mean I haven't done it...:o )

 

While it may describe you it was a huge leap to take about the OP based on her original post!

 

The only gift Mr. Frodo has is being mean!

[babs135]

After reading the last few posts I decided to try and read my original post as if I was an outsider and I'm not convinced I would have said anything any different

 

He honestly cannot be bothered to do any research and as I said, once we have made the JOINT decision of where and when we are going he will leave the footwork to me. The upcoming cruise we have booked was actually one of three that I had found; one (which I actually favoured more) was discarded because of price and no New York other than as a port stop and the second one (which I again favoured more) was discarded because...actually I'm not sure why...probably because once again New York was only offered as a port stop.

 

Klfrodo, yes I know he loves me as I love him :o I certainly wasn't trying to emasculate him in any way and I would hate anyone to think I was.

Edited August 26, 2016 by babs135

[mrs and mrs]

Not sure where you are going with this or your intent. Are you happy or unhappy with your situation, or are you asking us our experiances,to justify or qualify your own. Much love sent through to you.:):)

Edited August 26, 2016 by mrs and mrs

[celebrity]

After reading the last few posts I decided to try and read my original post as if I was an outsider and I'm not convinced I would have said anything any different

 

He honestly cannot be bothered to do any research and as I said, once we have made the JOINT decision of where and when we are going he will leave the footwork to me. The upcoming cruise we have booked was actually one of three that I had found; one (which I actually favoured more) was discarded because of price and no New York other than as a port stop and the second one (which I again favoured more) was discarded because...actually I'm not sure why...probably because once again New York was only offered as a port stop.

 

Klfrodo, yes I know he loves me as I love him :o I certainly wasn't trying to emasculate him in any way and I would hate anyone to think I was.

 

I understood exactly where you were from because that's me!

Married 37 years and I do all the booking, planning, research, packing, etc.

We both love travel but it's all on my shoulders. It can be exhausting and overwhelming.

My DH just thanked me last nite for all my efforts over the years and admitted if it was up to him, we would never have had all these wonderful memories.

Just once, I would like him to take the lead but it will never happen.

OTOH, I love the fact that he just goes with the flow.

It works for us.

[iancal]

I do the research, planning, and booking for our land trios and our cruises. Land is much more work. DW handles the road maps and GPS when we are driving, as we are now. I will often give DW two or three accommodations to check out on tripsdvisor and to decide on one. It works for us. We are both happy with this arrangement.

 

Never been an issue for us. We each do our own packing.

[babs135]

Not sure where you are going with this or your intent. Are you happy or unhappy with your situation, or are you asking us our experiances,to justify or qualify your own. Much love sent through to you.:):)

 

I am happy (I was just having a bit of a moan I suppose :)) and also curious if others felt the same as me.

 

I love doing the research, but asking him to look something up is a big ask. He will do it, but often under sufferance when I've stated that I need and want his input, especially if it's something that carries a large price tag.

 

I love him dearly, but there are times.....

 

Anyway, in 16 weeks time we will be on the high seas, probably with a drink in hand and relaxing. Can't wait.

[mrs and mrs]

I am happy (I was just having a bit of a moan I suppose :)) and also curious if others felt the same as me.

 

I love doing the research, but asking him to look something up is a big ask. He will do it, but often under sufferance when I've stated that I need and want his input, especially if it's something that carries a large price tag.

 

I love him dearly, but there are times.....

 

Anyway, in 16 weeks time we will be on the high seas, probably with a drink in hand and relaxing. Can't wait.

 

cool as babe,relax,enjoy the comments and others experiasnces,and reflect on your own.Take heart and pride in what you are doing and your partners.

P/s As 2 girls the probs are just the same.Sort of.

So chin-up,enjoy your cruise,and maybe flex a sutle muscle here and there,for the future hon.

Much Love.:):)

[CapeCodCruiser]

I am happy (I was just having a bit of a moan I suppose :)) and also curious if others felt the same as me.

 

I love doing the research, but asking him to look something up is a big ask. He will do it, but often under sufferance when I've stated that I need and want his input, especially if it's something that carries a large price tag.

 

I love him dearly, but there are times.....

 

Anyway, in 16 weeks time we will be on the high seas, probably with a drink in hand and relaxing. Can't wait.

 

I get it...been married 32 years...I still do not like EVERYTHING my DH does! Nothing wrong with expressing a little frustration every now & again.

 

Just make the choices ALL the ones you really want!

 

I know you will enjoy the cruise!

[klfrodo]

You never did answer what was so emasculating about the original post.

 

My apologies. I wasn't aware that I owed you any explanation about how I perceive someone else written word.

 

 

 

The only gift Mr. Frodo has is being mean!

 

It's also nice of you to say this about me. There are some truly bad and mean people in the world. I would argue that I'm one of them. But that's okay. That is your "perception".

 

My "perception"

 

Tired of the Responsibility!! OP is tired of her man not doing anything and it's all up to her

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

As the one who seems to do the 'finding of the cruise', all the research and all the other stuff that goes with having a fab holiday I sometimes find I'm worn down by the responsibility. Am I alone?Demeaning and looking for validation from others

 

We usually decide on a destination/date together and then it is left to me to find something that fits the criteria. If DH 'approves' out comes the credit card, booking made and then everything else is left to me.again, demeaning

 

I'm convinced that if I didn't go near the computer again he would simply throw a few items (whether they were suitable or not) into a case and just arrive at the port ready to board Not sure what he'd do about excursions, etc.Husband has no value other than to provide the credit card

 

I've asked him to take a more active role in making decisions but he always says 'but you know where to look better than I do' - well of course I do, because he won't slamming her husband again

 

For example; as part of our next cruising package we will be on the Breakaway for 7 nights. Wrapped round this cruise is to and from New York on the QM2; couldn't be more different if you tried. I have explained to him the differences (he enjoys the formality of Cunard) but I'm not totally convinced he 'gets it'. So now, while he is really looking forward to the trip, I have this little nagging thought at the back of my mind that if he hates it will he blame me and then tell me I should have explained it better.he's so stupid, he doesn't even know the differences between a QM2 cruise and an NCL cruise. n

 

Now, where is my problem with all this?

 

My problem is NOT that the OP has these feelings as I perceive them and yes, it is possible that I am reading more into than the OP meant. However, that is the point of communications. To clearly state what your meanings and intentions are..

 

My problem (and where the emasculation part comes into it),, she called her husband out and castrated him in a public forum. In a PUBLIC FORUM.

 

Look, I get it. I'm not Fabio, none of us live in a Harliquin romance novel where everything is perfect, but you don't air your dirty laundry in a public place, you don't air it at a dinner party, and you don't air it in a public world wide forum.

If you have to talk about it, tell it to your therapist, tell it to your girlfriends over tea, talk about it to your dog,, heck, talk about it to your partner.

Edited August 26, 2016 by klfrodo

[tip]

I have someone of a different viewpoint here from that of the OP. I do all of the research, planning, arrangements for transportation to and from the port, hotel reservations, private excursions both during the cruise along with during our pre and post cruise hotel stays, (etc., etc., etc.). I don't mind one bit. As others have noted, planning and anticipation are important aspects of the fun.

 

Now for packing, that is up to me darling wife. I just lay out what I need and she takes care of the rest. I tote the bags to the car and into the airport. I want to use this PUBLIC FORUM to thank her for her efforts!

[babs135]

The English language really is interesting. It's all in the interpretation of what is written.

 

klfrodo Whilst I have no intention of entering into a war of words; I honestly can't see how you came to the conclusions you have. However you are entitled to your opinion - even if I don't agree with it :D

[klfrodo]

The English language really is interesting. It's all in the interpretation of what is written.

 

klfrodo Whilst I have no intention of entering into a war of words; I honestly can't see how you came to the conclusions you have. However you are entitled to your opinion - even if I don't agree with it :D

 

I agree 100%

In later posts you clarified what you meant.

 

What is written is open interpretation by everyone who reads a post. Without voice inflection and facial expression, one can only go by their own life's experiences to get meaning. Unless one is 100% clear on what they are saying.

 

Take the word "hog" for example.

In the States. It could mean an oink oink pig animal, it could mean a motorcycle, it could mean an over weight person, it could mean a huge gas guzzeling car. I have no idea what that word could mean in the UK.

 

I think my biggest problem was that these relationship differences were put out there for the world to see. No matter how minor or major depending on each other's opinion.

I firmly believe that praise should be loud and proud, whereas relationship issues or concerns should be kept between the interested parties and their representatives.

 

Either way, I hope you and yours safe journeys and if we're ever on the same ship, I owe you and your husband a bottle of bubbly.

[ronandannette]

Meh - personally I don't see the problem. At our place I do the travel planning, grocery shopping and laundry. DH buys and maintains our vehicles, does all the banking and keeps our social calendar. Among other things, but you get the picture. We play to our strengths and it benefits both of us equally.

 

OP - if you're willing to stop travelling, or at least stop having vacations you enjoy quite as much, go ahead and take a stand. Otherwise, I'd just keep on doing what you're doing - and maybe add in a couple of elements that are just for you!