Tired of the Responsibility!!

[SadieN]

As the one who seems to do the 'finding of the cruise', all the research and all the other stuff that goes with having a fab holiday I sometimes find I'm worn down by the responsibility. Am I alone?

 

 

 

We usually decide on a destination/date together and then it is left to me to find something that fits the criteria. If DH 'approves' out comes the credit card, booking made and then everything else is left to me.

 

 

 

I'm convinced that if I didn't go near the computer again he would simply throw a few items (whether they were suitable or not) into a case and just arrive at the port ready to board :eek: Not sure what he'd do about excursions, etc.

 

 

 

I've asked him to take a more active role in making decisions but he always says 'but you know where to look better than I do' - well of course I do, because he won't :(

 

 

 

For example; as part of our next cruising package we will be on the Breakaway for 7 nights. Wrapped round this cruise is to and from New York on the QM2; couldn't be more different if you tried. I have explained to him the differences (he enjoys the formality of Cunard) but I'm not totally convinced he 'gets it'. So now, while he is really looking forward to the trip, I have this little nagging thought at the back of my mind that if he hates it will he blame me and then tell me I should have explained it better.

 

 

 

...........

 

ETA---So stop planning! Our best travel stories come from winging it. Choose a ship, season and itin. Let him know the basics of what to bring-- hot weather clothes, don't forget your tux etc sometimes this planning is easier if your repeating things.

 

****

 

Babs- How exactly will he blame you? Just tell you or full blown crazy? Somehow I think this statement brought on a lot of the issues within this thread.

 

What's so bad about just winging things? Do you make a list down to the number of socks or just tell him, 'Cunard, NCL, NYC in the summer' and let him pack accordingly?

Edited August 24, 2016 by SadieN

[babs135]

Now it's the Museum Board in addition to the Dear Abby Board. If you and your husband have different interests in the attractions of NYC, may I suggest you are not joined at the hip (unless you are, then I refer you to the Marriage Counselor Board). Don't drag him to a museum, go on your own. Let him do something in NY on his own that you would not enjoy. Then meet for a great dinner and a show.

 

I did once suggest he did his own thing and I would go to a museum and he was horrified; I think he was worried I might spend a fortune once his back was turned :eek::D

 

I jest. Maybe I will 'do' a museum and let him find something that would interest him.

 

I'll just have to do some research. Wait a minute-isn't that where this thread started :D:D

[notentirelynormal]

I do all of the planning for everything in our lives...and it works for us! I don't mind it, but it seems you do..so you need to speak up, and let him have at it! Maybe tell him the next trip is "on him"...and let him do the legwork...see how it turns out!

 

This. My husband has no desire to plan anything. Where do you want to go to dinner? I don't care where do you want to go? I want to go where you want to go because it is your birthday. I don't care. Why kind of food are you in the mood for? I don't know. What are you in the mood for. You get the idea.

 

One year we were heading off to our Med cruise. My husband comes in and laughs at me putting information into my binder. The binder I have divided up with the ports, airfare, tours, hotels etc. As I slip the paper into the spot I say to him "do you think you just show up at the airport and they magically know where you are going?". Yes, he says. That is what I do. :D

 

My husband loves the trips I plan. He never asks the cost. He never argues that there was a better hotel. About a week or two before we go he starts helping me plan. He tells me the great deal I can get parking and he has a coupon. He starts printing out information on things to do in the ports we are going. I just smile and tell him that the parking was reserved months ago and I'm not changing it and that the tours have also been booked for months. Is there anything you really wanted to see? No, I just thought I would help. Okay :) thanks honey.

[babs135]

ETA---So stop planning! Our best travel stories come from winging it. Choose a ship, season and itin. Let him know the basics of what to bring-- hot weather clothes, don't forget your tux etc sometimes this planning is easier if your repeating things.

 

****

 

Babs- How exactly will he blame you? Just tell you or full blown crazy? Somehow I think this statement brought on a lot of the issues within this thread.

 

What's so bad about just winging things? Do you make a list down to the number of socks or just tell him, 'Cunard, NCL, NYC in the summer' and let him pack accordingly?

 

The 'blame' sentence was perhaps a little strong and perhaps should not have been used. Both he and I are really looking forward to our holiday and whatever happens I know we will have a great time. After all, someone else is doing the cooking, washing the dishes, making the beds and combined with the UBP (on the Breakaway) what's not to like :D:D

[iheartbda]

Sorry, I'm going there since we're only getting one side of the story.

 

Maybe, just maybe,, you're the problem.

 

Maybe in the past he did try and everything he did, he got shot down.

Maybe he got shot down so many times that he just said screw it. No matter what he did, how he did it, or why he did it was just never good enough.

 

Or,,, he loves you and appreciates you so much that he would rather stay out of your way so you can make the dream holiday that will make you happy and that's all that concerns him.

 

Either way, I'm sure that he appreciates you coming onto a world wide web site and emasculating him like this.

Yeah, turn it around and blame Babs. You makes lots of assumptions so I'll make one, maybe it's just like she posted.

 

I'm sure everyone knows who Babs is so now everyone in the UK how she has emasculated him.:rolleyes:

[McWeeOne]

I am also the "planner" in my relationship... I wish that sometimes I'd get a surprise here and there, but I am also realistic... if I don't plan it all out then nobody Will! Just "winging it"isn't for me... what Horror! I do the finding and researching, we split 50/50 the costs... and he has yet to complain. One day though, I will throw it all on him with a big smile and say "your turn" just so he knows what goes into building a great vacation.... but not yet... not yet...

[gwsster]

My DH loves the planning and I do the packing. That works for us. That being said, I get what the OP is feeling. I was the planner for a trip for myself and 3 sisters to Hawaii. They all were "Oh thank you for doing all of this, whatever you plan is fine for us on the ship" I made the restaurant reservations, we did the excursion choice together I booked them after everyone agreed. I gave everyone itineraries and all were good for it. Needless to say once on the ship 2 of the sisters really just wanted to stay in the ship cabin and watch the free movies. I had to cancel reservations due to changing of the minds. I learned that unless traveling with known companions not to take on the task unless you really enjoy it.

[sadoan]

I LOVE every second of research, bookings, planning, reservations...etc. :):):) Prepping is half the fun!!!:D

 

I love the planning!

[AZ Ocean Lover]

I am the family vacation planner. My husband says when I die he's done traveling because he won't know how to do it.

 

Early on, after asking him to participate in the decision making but him saying whatever I chose is fine with him, we walked into a condo that wasn't as nice as ones we had stayed in before, and he made a negative comment. Right then and there I laid down the law that if he doesn't participate in the planning he has no right to criticize. He agreed and hasn't made that same mistake again.

 

I actually like doing the planning and the research but I run things by him before booking.

[pullen0]

I'm the planner in this house. If left to my wife and daughter, we'd be lucky to make it out of the driveway in a weeks time.

 

We just got back from a 19 day, 6000 mile road trip through 12 states, 8 national parks, 3 state parks and numerous other attractions. Fortunately, I have lot of down time at work and get paid well to do my planning. :D While planning for this trip, a coworker told me about the Reader's Digest book Best Road Trips in America. I highly recommend it to anyone who does road trips. I told my wife I was adding several miles to our day to day driving while on the trip. She thought that was horrible until those extra miles provided some of the best views of our trip. I made Excel Spread sheets with what we were doing each day, the name of which of the 15 different hotels we we were staying that night, etc. I rarely had to look at it because I remembered.

 

I spend hours planning our trips so that we can make the most of our time. When I commit to putting one foot in front of another, I already know where I'm going unlike the multitudes that would get passed by a turtle.

[Gwendy]

I have to do all the planning then he doesn't like it and will blame me. I can't go to a museum because he doesn't like them. I might spend too much money.

Now I remember why I am divorced.

[babs135]

I have to do all the planning then he doesn't like it and will blame me. I can't go to a museum because he doesn't like them. I might spend too much money.

Now I remember why I am divorced.

 

Fortunately despite everything I've said this doesn't apply to us, but why oh why isn't there a Like Button??:D:D

[Hlitner]

We have some (but not a lot) of sympathy for Babs (the OP). In my family it falls upon me to make most of the travel plans (we always make the big decisions together)...and we travel nearly 7 months a year. But even though I do some planning, we find the attitude of Bab's DH is just perfect. For example, this past March we took a 55 day cruise that had ports in 8 or 9 (lost count) countries. I booked the cruise on a whim...and then had nothing more to do with the trip. We went away without having a single excursion booked (that is our norm) and had a fabulous time. For many of the ports we did not decide what to do until the evening before...or often when we walked off the ship in the port. Since we had no previously booked excursions (or obligations) we simply what felt right at the time, varied our port activities depending on the weather, and did not have to rush anywhere before we were ready. If we wanted to enjoy a 3 hour lunch in Dubrovnik (which is what we did) then that was our day. If we were somewhere on a very rainy morning (happened in Kotor) we simply spent the morning on the ship (many on excursions were soaked to the bone) and left the ship around noon when the weather finally cleared. So perhaps Babs can take a page from our book. Go ahead and book the cruise (or trip) that pleases both you and your DH. But then do no further planning other then to read-up on some of the ports and have an idea of your options.

 

Hank

[ScottsSweetie]

I can relate to the OP.

 

Generally, I enjoy doing the research and the planning. But at times it can be overwhelming - especially when booking close to sailing.

 

When our 4 kids were younger and we traveled with them, it was up to me to pack for me AND them. If DH happened to be out of town for work right before we were leaving (which he is a lot) then I had to pack for him as well. You do feel a big weight and responsibility on your shoulders to not forget anything, choose the right lodging and the best attractions while keeping in mind everyone's taste, ages, and the family budget.

 

Cruising is a little different - sometimes we plan excursions in advance, sometimes we decide ahead of time that we will not do excursions. The packing is still up to me for both of us (he still travels a lot for work).

 

To illustrate his level of involvement - I remember in the Port of Tampa once, sitting in the VIP area and filling out a form (health form, maybe). It asked for the ship name. DH looked at me and said, "what ship are we sailing on"?

 

I would LOVE it if he would do all the planning, shopping, closing up of the house, packing, & just let me show up. Just once. :)

Edited August 24, 2016 by ScottsSweetie

[Nebr.cruiser]

I do most of the research to pick out a cruise, though my husband does some. We decide on the cruise together, then I do almost all the rest of it; flights, hotels, excursions (I run some of those by him), etc.

 

I really don't mind and like most of it. I do worry that I will make some collosol mistake sometime, like getting us there a day late, or something, but so far so good.

 

Also, he's still working at 70 and I'm not, so it seems only fair. However, I'd probably do it anyway.

[GUT2407]

Whereas I love the hunt and the research.

 

But no way I'd pull the trigger without talking with Mrs Gut.

 

Mainly because I'm terrified of her.

[maryjaden]

We are just turned 50 and with our children older have started traveling more. If I left it up to my DH, we wouldn't get anywhere. I usually pick a time frame and he lets me know what works in his schedule then he shows up. I love the planning, but once we have a basic plan we have been known to wing it.

 

We also go with the adage that if you choose not to give input, you give up your right to complain. Once, many years ago, he "made comments" about what I packed or forgot for him.......he has done his own packing since:). We've been married for 30 years so like many of you, we know each other's likes and dislikes. I will do something not in my top ten if I know he likes it, but so will be.

 

We are going on a large (30+) family cruise. I will research several excursions at each port. Say here it is, no guarantees on level of fun. Some ports a lot of us end up together, some not. Same with ship reservations. Put it all on a spread sheet.

 

So I guess, long story short...... If I want to go, I plan it (which is better than not going). Maybe, once he retires in 5 years, he will surprise me by saying "guess what honey, I booked a cruise for us", I would love it, but certainly not going to think it will happen.

[alexadeparis]

I am the trip planner (and financier) for all trips. I just plan what I want and tell hubby where and when we are going. I plan all flights, excursions, tours, etc. I don't mind it but it can be a little overwhelming at times.

 

In fact, my planning is so good that our daughter and nephew (with their SO's), and another couple that we have been friends with for a long time, ask when the next "family" trip is while we are in the airport on the way home. They are also used to just asking what their $ share is and where/when we are going. They leave everything detail wise to me. At times, I wish it was someone else's responsibility but the control freak in me won't let me relinquish the task to anyone else, so it's a struggle. ;)

[McWeeOne]

I see we have a lot of "like" minded people on here :)

[notentirelynormal]

Sorry, I'm going there since we're only getting one side of the story.

 

Maybe, just maybe,, you're the problem.

 

Maybe in the past he did try and everything he did, he got shot down.

Maybe he got shot down so many times that he just said screw it. No matter what he did, how he did it, or why he did it was just never good enough.

 

Or,,, he loves you and appreciates you so much that he would rather stay out of your way so you can make the dream holiday that will make you happy and that's all that concerns him.

 

Either way, I'm sure that he appreciates you coming onto a world wide web site and emasculating him like this.

 

Wow! I mean wow!

[babs135]

Hank, your post reminded me that DH can sometimes do something extraordinary and choose and book a cruise without much input from me. In fact the only question asked of me was 'shall we book it'. Of course the answer was Yes.

 

Just back from a land based holiday in Australia the weekend paper was showing a cruise Australia/New Zealand for later in the year. Knowing how much the flights alone are we were both convinced either a mistake was made or the flights were not included so as much as out of curiosity rather than with any intention of booking he rang the agent, confirmed the price was right (it really was ridiculously cheap), asked me the question and booked!!

 

Of course he then left it to me to do the research, but I think we didn't do many excursions (except to the wineries :D), just went with the idea of doing our own thing and had a great time.

 

Thanks everyone (or nearly everyone!) for your input. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to do some research on our cruise in December :D:D

[gwsster]

I almost spewed my coffee.....you have a wicked sense of humor.

 

 

Whereas I love the hunt and the research.

 

But no way I'd pull the trigger without talking with Mrs Gut.

 

Mainly because I'm terrified of her.

[Beachdude]

I would LOVE it if he would do all the planning, shopping, closing up of the house, packing, & just let me show up. Just once. :)

 

Yes, Sally says this all the time. But the reality is that she is who she is. She is a planner. Our vacations are typically booked more than a year ahead because that's what she likes to do. Then she spends the next six months over planning the trip. Then the next six months changing those plans. But through all that grumbling, she enjoys it.

 

We have two close couples friends that we learned not to travel with because they are planners too. Two planners doesn't work well together. It turns into and ego thing of who will give up first.

 

I have two other motorcycle buddies who are anal with planning as well. We get along because I let them plan. If I don't like their plan, I don't go.

 

So, I think you planners need to acceptwho you are and take I as a complement because without planners, we would all be walking in circles.

[OCruisers]

My husband loves to cruise but leaves it totally up to me to make all of the decisions on where we go and what we do while there! I love it this way!

He just tells me to pick things he will like! :D

LuLu

Edited August 25, 2016 by OCruisers

[VennDiagram]

I find the cruise, I book the cruise, I tell DH. He has the opportunity to say no, or pick another date, or whatever, at that time. For shore activities I do a lot of research, get the possibilities down to a max of 4 in each port, and let him pick. He mainly wants to know how much we are spending, and when to show up :)

 

So he gets to make decisions but doesn't have to do all the research. Works for us.