Tired of the Responsibility!!

[notentirelynormal]

What is written is open interpretation by everyone who reads a post. Without voice inflection and facial expression, one can only go by their own life's experiences to get meaning. Unless one is 100% clear on what they are saying.

 

I think my biggest problem was that these relationship differences were put out there for the world to see. No matter how minor or major depending on each other's opinion.

 

I firmly believe that praise should be loud and proud, whereas relationship issues or concerns should be kept between the interested parties and their representatives.

 

I didn't take it as relationship issues or concerns. I took it as someone venting one night when they just weren't in the mood to work on something and wondered if anyone else got frustrated the same way.

 

The vast majority of us saw it completely opposite as you. Could it be that you or someone you care about is having this kind of relationship problems and putting it in writing on a website brushed you the wrong way. It sounds though, as salt was rubbed in a wound for you. I'm sorry if that is so. Please don't bother attacking me or making any negative comments on this. Just like you, it is my interpretation of how strongly you reacted.

 

As I said earlier. My DH has no desire to make any decisions. None. He won't even choose where to go to dinner for his birthday. He leaves it all to me. Even though we have been married over 40 years he still loves me and wants to please me and make me happy so he feels he would never take that happiness away from me just because he wanted Chinese and I wanted Italian. I try but he just won't choose. He always says "whatever you want?". The only times he gives an opinion is when I am driving THEN he knows how, where, when etc. Can't shut him up.

 

When we go on a cruise I say "okay, I booked a cruise. We are going to (insert place here) from this date to this date.". He doesn't even bother to ask what ship or any details. Why, because he doesn't care. As long as I'm happy he is happy. He hates sleeping anywhere but next to me.

 

I have to tell you. Sometimes it is really tiring being the one making all the decisions. Sometimes I really do want his input but I can't get it. It is very frustrating. Makes me crazy! That doesn't mean I respect him less then a man. He's more man than a lot of guys out there. I have the utmost respect for him. It does mean that sometimes I just need to vent that he won't help me.

 

We renovated our house two years ago. We put in new flooring, new tiles, new carpet, rebuilt our kitchen and redesigned our master bathroom among other things. He asked for two things. He wanted the new sink white and he wanted filtered water. I started to say something about the white sink and then shut my mouth. Sheesh :rolleyes:. I decided everything else.

 

After it was done, some things he agreed with and some he didn't. I reminded him that he gave no opinions while it was going on so you don't get to complain after it was done. His view is, if I am happy living in the house then so is he. I even bought a house once that he didn't see until after the papers were signed. Happy wife, happy life for him is what makes the world go round.

 

Sometimes I complain that he won't take on some of the decisions and lift some of the responsibility off my shoulders. Sometimes, just sometimes, frustration during an activity when you are married just means you are frustrated with the situation and not the players.

Edited August 26, 2016 by notentirelynormal

[iancal]

i am happy to do it, DW is happy to go. We mostly do late bookings. For us 60 days out is usually long term planning. We are travelling now, thanks to an airfare special that ticked all of our boxes.

[pris993]

As the one who seems to do the 'finding of the cruise', all the research and all the other stuff that goes with having a fab holiday I sometimes find I'm worn down by the responsibility. Am I alone?

 

We usually decide on a destination/date together and then it is left to me to find something that fits the criteria. If DH 'approves' out comes the credit card, booking made and then everything else is left to me.

 

I'm convinced that if I didn't go near the computer again he would simply throw a few items (whether they were suitable or not) into a case and just arrive at the port ready to board :eek: Not sure what he'd do about excursions, etc.

 

I've asked him to take a more active role in making decisions but he always says 'but you know where to look better than I do' - well of course I do, because he won't :(

 

For example; as part of our next cruising package we will be on the Breakaway for 7 nights. Wrapped round this cruise is to and from New York on the QM2; couldn't be more different if you tried. I have explained to him the differences (he enjoys the formality of Cunard) but I'm not totally convinced he 'gets it'. So now, while he is really looking forward to the trip, I have this little nagging thought at the back of my mind that if he hates it will he blame me and then tell me I should have explained it better.

 

Actually this is the worst case scenario. WE ARE BOTH looking forward to the trip, especially as it includes 5 days in New York over Christmas. What more can any girl want........:D:D

 

BTW I've just watched a Cruise Show programme on the tv and it showed the Breakaway. She looks amazing; can't wait until December.

 

We have a divide and conquer approach, that plays each of our strengths... I do the leg work up front, bookings etc with buy in. He handles getting us the best table in the MDR etc., best hotel room, and extras... works out well that way, smile.

[Reader0108598]

I do all the planning ,all the booking ! I then pull out MY credit card and hubby thanks his lucky stars he is married to me!

 

 

Said in Jest!:D

 

Reader

[FredT]

In our marriage, I am the travel nut. I am the one who is crazy about cruises. Not saying my wife does not enjoy the trips as much as I do, but where travel is concerned I book... she comes along. Thats simply the way our marriage works. Now in business we are equal (we own a business together) And at home, she does the gardens and I do the home repair...

 

In other words, it all evens out. Would I LIKE her to be more involved in planning shore excursions or hotels or restaurants? Yep... Do I ever expect it to happen? Dream on!

[VennDiagram]

............

 

In other words, it all evens out............

 

Exactly! :D Well said. If it doesn't even out, then it is a problem.

 

(I no longer do anything for a group of friends that I travel with .... I got sick of being the only one who did anything, especially when I found out that the person who was assigned the task of getting us a hotel did NOT do it :eek: Sorry, that's a deal breaker in my books!)

[BeagleOne]

BTW we've been fortunate to visit NY 4 times and not once have we been to a museum :( because it's not 'his thing' . I've not pushed this because there is nothing worse in doing something that you know your partner will hate. Maybe this time I should put it on the list and tell him that as I've done all the research I want to go to a museum - not sure which one, but I'm sure I'll find something after I've done all the trawling through the web :D

 

 

I'm simply astounded that you won't go to a museum by yourself, and that after all of the work you do planning the trips, he won't go to a museum even though it would make you happy.

[Sadet001 sadet001]

I understand the point the OP is trying to make. In cc we ask questions and are given info and advice. As new cruisers nor seasoned travelers we get So much valuable information.

Sometimes it could be the timing when we talk to spouse. Their eyes might glaze over with Information overload of all we've read. We research differently both Wanting the best overall for our vacation.

 

I'm sure her husband is man enough and secure with his masculinity to not feel emasculated . I talked to my DH and he stated any man who feels the need to comment this way must have a problem with their own masculinity. [emoji848]

 

 

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[terri-eddie]

In our household, my husband and I both do the cruise research initially, to find the best cruise in our time frame...our prime objective is new-to-us ship, then new ports of call. Price doesn't really factor in unless there are two or three cruises with new features.

 

After the booking, we both research excursions. We mostly enjoy doing the same ones together, but we're comfortable splitting up if necessary...I like visiting ruins, he likes snorkeling.

 

As for the pre-cruise hotels, and the flights, I'm pretty much in charge. I let him know what I find, but he doesn't really care that much about it, whereas I have definite criteria that must be met!

 

Overall, we're both very happy with our roles in the vacation planning. I like knowing before I go, he prefers happy surprises.

[iheartbda]

I plan, he pays.:)

[CapeCodCruiser]

I didn't take it as relationship issues or concerns. I took it as someone venting one night when they just weren't in the mood to work on something and wondered if anyone else got frustrated the same way.

 

The vast majority of us saw it completely opposite as you. Could it be that you or someone you care about is having this kind of relationship problems and putting it in writing on a website brushed you the wrong way. It sounds though, as salt was rubbed in a wound for you. I'm sorry if that is so. Please don't bother attacking me or making any negative comments on this. Just like you, it is my interpretation of how strongly you reacted.

 

As I said earlier. My DH has no desire to make any decisions. None. He won't even choose where to go to dinner for his birthday. He leaves it all to me. Even though we have been married over 40 years he still loves me and wants to please me and make me happy so he feels he would never take that happiness away from me just because he wanted Chinese and I wanted Italian. I try but he just won't choose. He always says "whatever you want?". The only times he gives an opinion is when I am driving THEN he knows how, where, when etc. Can't shut him up.

 

When we go on a cruise I say "okay, I booked a cruise. We are going to (insert place here) from this date to this date.". He doesn't even bother to ask what ship or any details. Why, because he doesn't care. As long as I'm happy he is happy. He hates sleeping anywhere but next to me.

 

I have to tell you. Sometimes it is really tiring being the one making all the decisions. Sometimes I really do want his input but I can't get it. It is very frustrating. Makes me crazy! That doesn't mean I respect him less then a man. He's more man than a lot of guys out there. I have the utmost respect for him. It does mean that sometimes I just need to vent that he won't help me.

 

We renovated our house two years ago. We put in new flooring, new tiles, new carpet, rebuilt our kitchen and redesigned our master bathroom among other things. He asked for two things. He wanted the new sink white and he wanted filtered water. I started to say something about the white sink and then shut my mouth. Sheesh :rolleyes:. I decided everything else.

 

After it was done, some things he agreed with and some he didn't. I reminded him that he gave no opinions while it was going on so you don't get to complain after it was done. His view is, if I am happy living in the house then so is he. I even bought a house once that he didn't see until after the papers were signed. Happy wife, happy life for him is what makes the world go round.

 

Sometimes I complain that he won't take on some of the decisions and lift some of the responsibility off my shoulders. Sometimes, just sometimes, frustration during an activity when you are married just means you are frustrated with the situation and not the players.

 

You just perfectly described my relationship with my husband! Mine is the way - he will even hand me his menu in a restaurant and ask me "What do I (meaning himself) want?"! I think this started way back when we go out he would order fish (I don't/can't eat seafood so none at home) and invariably would not like it. I would ask him why did you order the fish? His reply "because it is good for you" Me - "but you don't like fish." Him - "oh" Talk about head slap! So that evolved into - "Do I like this?" when he ordered. Now it is just - What am I having?

 

Try to pick a restaurant - ugh! I can't even get him to commit to a type of food!

 

Emasculated - never. He trusts that I know exactly what he wants after 32 years.

 

He has other talents - like getting up in the middle of the night to kill a grasshopper that got in the house! Priceless!

[babs135]

I'm simply astounded that you won't go to a museum by yourself, and that after all of the work you do planning the trips, he won't go to a museum even though it would make you happy.

 

We have done the Tenement Museum together and he fully enjoyed it, although getting him to decide which of the tours he favoured is another story :D I think I might 'drag' him to the Natural History Museum which sounds interesting. Or I could leave him there and go and visit one of the Art Galleries.

 

BTW He does 'do' museums and maybe just maybe it's my fault for not suggesting we do separate museums whilst we are in New York. Don't know quite why it's taken me so long to figure that one out 'sigh' :o

[iancal]

We split up when appropriate. Last two times in York I went to the railway museum. DW shopped.

 

Why should I drag her around a museum that she has no interest in when she could be off shopping or whatever? I have zero interest in shopping.

Edited August 27, 2016 by iancal

[CruiseLovah82]

I research, plan and book everything. I love doing it! I ask his opinion but for the most part hubby is just along for the ride. It works for us. I mean I don't get in his way when he renovates our bathroom, no need for him to get in my way planning our vacation!

[Reader0108598]

I research, plan and book everything. I love doing it! I ask his opinion but for the most part hubby is just along for the ride. It works for us. I mean I don't get in his way when he renovates our bathroom, no need for him to get in my way planning our vacation!

 

Exactly,it is all about what works for you the couple:)

 

Now don't get me started on why all credit card offers come in my husbands name :rolleyes: If not for me we would have no credit....lol

 

MR. Reader is a wonderful man, although after thirty seven years he still has no idea how to handle credit cards nor does he want to. (Cash only for this guy)

 

Cannot use an ATM...a computer is a foreign object to him,or something that keeps the wife happy:)Yet they insist on sending all offers to him! Hubby book a cruise?...........Bahahaha ...he would have no idea how.

 

Reader

Edited August 27, 2016 by Reader0108598

[Eggfrmr]

This. My husband has no desire to plan anything. Where do you want to go to dinner? I don't care where do you want to go? I want to go where you want to go because it is your birthday. I don't care. Why kind of food are you in the mood for? I don't know. What are you in the mood for. You get the idea.

 

One year we were heading off to our Med cruise. My husband comes in and laughs at me putting information into my binder. The binder I have divided up with the ports, airfare, tours, hotels etc. As I slip the paper into the spot I say to him "do you think you just show up at the airport and they magically know where you are going?". Yes, he says. That is what I do. :D

 

My husband loves the trips I plan. He never asks the cost. He never argues that there was a better hotel. About a week or two before we go he starts helping me plan. He tells me the great deal I can get parking and he has a coupon. He starts printing out information on things to do in the ports we are going. I just smile and tell him that the parking was reserved months ago and I'm not changing it and that the tours have also been booked for months. Is there anything you really wanted to see? No, I just thought I would help. Okay :) thanks honey.

Pretty much how we are. I am trying to get his input on excursions for our upcoming Caribbean cruise, but he just keeps saying " Whatever you want to do". He just wants to make me happy, and I appreciate it ( he would be happy to stay home after 30 years of travelling for work, but 30 years of staying home raising 4 children, and running the farm is enough home time for me), but I would really love to do something I KNOW he wants to do.

 

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[Eggfrmr]

Exactly,it is all about what works for you the couple:)

 

Now don't get me started on why all credit card offers come in my husbands name :rolleyes: If not for me we would have no credit....lol

 

MR. Reader is a wonderful man, although after thirty seven years he still has no idea how to handle credit cards nor does he want to. (Cash only for this guy)

 

Cannot use an ATM...a computer is a foreign object to him,or something that keeps the wife happy:)Yet they insist on sending all offers to him! Hubby book a cruise?...........Bahahaha ...he would have no idea how.

 

Reader

Yep, Mr Egg is technologically challenged, too. He was away working and a friend set up an email account for him. I mentioned to our oldest that I got an email from Dad and she said she got one that said "Hi it's dad" and threw it in the trash because she didn't have a dad that emailed. lol

 

Just another reason why I do all the planning. I just inform him several months ahead that we have a trip planned.

 

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[Blondilu]

I cruise with my sisters. One or the other, sometimes both. Neither are planners. I do all the planning.

 

With the one sister I'm convinced she doesn't even listen, but find out later she heard every word and remembers everything. She might even bring it up if it turns out we don't do that one thing I talked about. I then give her a dirty look and say "I changed the plan and didn't tell you cuz I didn't think you were listening." On the other hand, she doesn't even remember the name of the ship.

 

The other sister appears to be listening and even takes notes. She fills her Pinterest page with all sorts of ideas, but never tells me. I have to go there to see what she's interested in. Later on she does not remember anything I said and is often surprised when I put something in the plan that she wanted to do. "How did you know?" she says. Duh, I read your Pinterest page.

 

I feel they are both poor communicators, though they don't think that's true. I like things said straight out, no BS. They both keep things to themselves. The one is internet illiterate and the other is pretty introverted. And when it's just the two of them, they don't get along. With me in the mix, the dynamics are different.

 

After a couple of trips we've learned how to make it all work. It's like a dance and we just needed to learn the steps.

 

I would, however, love to have someone share in the planning. Not just stare at me, nod and then forget it. Probably not going to happen.

[navybankerteacher]

We do it in stages:

 

Preliminary - to decide when and (generally where) to go. This is informal and shared. We certainly share an interest in getting out of New England in the winter.

 

Broad Strategy - I tend to defer to her in the decision as to whether land or sea, length of time involved and rough budget.

 

Consultation - we each research lines, ships (or land options) and dates, and make suggestions; usually she defers to my preferences, but not always. She selects tours and planned shore activities.

 

Tactical execution- she stands back and let's me make all reservations, air, cruise booking, hotel(s) rental cars, transfers, etc. These details are best not handled by a committee.

 

Implementation - we both enjoy.

 

Finishing details -

[NanciRDH]

I plan, he pays.:)

 

Same here, it's a great arrangement lol. I do make the majority of the plans, but he always has the chance to say yay or nay to whatever I'm looking at. And very often he says...look and see what you can find for a cruise or hotel or whatever for xyz...and I do the research because I do enjoy it. For me the frustrating part is once I've done the research and made the actual booking, I'm ready to discuss it, and he's not, until the day or two before we leave lol. And then I'm supposed to know the answer to every question he might ask. :p

[iancal]

We have each have a bucket list of places to go. Most locations overlap.

 

We sometimes take advantage of late booking deals. So we may find ourselves booked to go somewhere and then have only a week or so to plan. Often we do one way or open jaw flights and then select a cruise or a travel route while travelling. It requires some flexibility but it works for us. We find that we have become much more flexible Since retiring and travelling frequently.

[JimAOk1945]

OP,

 

You sound like my wife. But whatever she chooses to do is usually something I enjoy so I leave it all up to her. She always discusses everything with me before actually booking a cruise, excursion, etc., so I am included in every step of the process. I am happy with her choices and we always have a wonderful time.

 

We just completed our 14th cruise which was also our 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Cruising is a wonderful way to travel and we will keep going as long as possible.

 

Happy sailing wherever you go!