NIEUW AMSTERDAM May 22 - June 2: A 40 Year Old (Cruising) Virgin's Big Gay Long Revie

[Choinski]

NIEUW AMSTERDAM May 22 - June 2: A 40 Year Old (Cruising) Virgin's Big Gay Long Review

 

BACKGROUND:

Once upon a time (July 2009) my husband Steve and I were cycling past the Maasdam docked in Boston. That planted the idea to try something we've never done: a cruise. I was an odd choice. I don't like resort-based vacations (Preferring scenery and historic sites) and Steve abhors any potential of high seas. Since I'm the family travel agent, I decided that if we were never to do this again we were going to do it right the first time. I chose Holland America because I wanted a classic cruise experience ala Betty Davis / 'Now Voyager' and less Charo / 'Love Boat'. I wanted a classic ship design, tuxes at dinner, an absence of waterslides and climbing walls, and a ship with terrible reviews for what to do with children. Plus they had one of my favorites, authentic Rijstaffel. By Christmas 2009, we selected a 10 day cruise (Rome to Athens, Eurodam) with a cheap Verandah (VE). It was to have a commanding view of an orange lifeboat roof.

 

By May 2009 the upgrade fairy granted us a V-class Verandah on the navigation deck! Alas, two days later, we were invited to cancel. In true Italian fashion HAL made us an offer we couldn't refuse: we could rebook on a 12 day, Venice to Istanbul itinerary aboard the Nieuw Amsterdam, keep our upgraded cabin, and refund half our fare. The only sacrifice was having to wait another year.

 

THE SHIP:

The V-class Verandah cabin was awesome. There were opportunities to purchase another upgrade to the lowest tier of suites, but the only benefit was a larger room several decks down, with none of the other suite extras. I'm glad I passed. Except for the naked 80 year old man in the Penthouse Suite hot tub, the view was spectacular.

 

The ship was immense and we never could figure out which direction we were walking in the entire 12 days aboard. We spent a lot of time in bars that were either empty by day or half-full by night. I tend to be allergic to loud, patterned decor, and for the most part it was subtly designed and elegant. Because it was the 'Nieuw Amsterdam' there was a sophisticated 'New York' theme running throughout the ship, from colonial maps, the Art-Deco Manhattan Dining Room and Showroom Theater, to the (Kryptonian?) atrium chandelier. Favorite spots: Crow's Nest, Silk Den, Explorer's Lounge and above all, the Lido Sauna. The worst: the Casino and Sports bar. Second worst: the Movie Theater, where there was not enough seating for a screen only slightly larger than the Hi-def TVs in every hallway.

 

There was a backstage tour of the kitchens; other than being an awesome photo op it was a self-guided advertisement for the restaurants. There was also a chance to tour the ship (engine room, bridge, etc) but at $150, absurdly priced for a peek into the laundry rooms. I declined.

 

And unlike our airline, Alitalia (where every trip is like fleeing Vietnam in a helicopter), HAL was wonderfully organized, or quickly adapted when it wasn’t. Demerits, though, for embarkation. If you didn't arrange a HAL transfer there was very little detailed advanced info on how to traverse the immense Port of Venice. No info on which public transport stops to look for, the existence of the port's people mover, etc. The nice lady holding an 8"x11" paper labeled 'Holland America' standing a few yards in front of the immense ship was comically too little, too late.

 

THE CREW:

CAPTAIN VAN ZAANE: OMG, did you know maritime law requires all ship's captains to be tall, silver haired foxes with sophisticated European accents? All of them must marry actress-models (on the N.A. her name was 'Apollonia') and they are required to use the word 'elegant' in a sentence, over the intercom, once a day. I think this was in response to the Titanic. CRUISE DIRECTOR GENE: Squeaky clean heartthrob with a distinctive voice I swear I heard translating on Iron Chef, but he denies it. On the last day of the cruise he announced he was leaving HAL in a few months because his pencil-thin wife was pregnant. I believe he simultaneously melted and crushed the hearts of the ladies and gays that day. TRAVEL GUIDE TOM: 'Family', and a little over the top with his travelogue descriptions, he was wonderfully dishy and gave some decent advice to us without pressuring us to buy a HAL option. TURKISH EXCURSION GUIDE 'IZZY': Also 'family', he was fascinated with our Boston Marriage, was wonderfully dishy and gave some decent advice to us while pressuring us to buy a Turkish carpet. EDGAR OUR BARTENDER: Wonderful man with excellent memory and willing to make my cucumber mohito recipe. Contrast this with another bartender, whom on day 1 tried too hard to entertain us with magic tricks and an unsolicited and rather graphic recreation of the ping-pong scene from the film Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. The rest of the crew were cheerful, helpful, or at the least willing to say anything you wanted to hear with a smile. BONUS: One of the ship's architects (let's call him 'Thomas Andrews' - look it up) was aboard on an inspection tour because the N.A. had yet to pass its 12-month warrantee). I overheard him in a lengthy discussion on the ships safety features. (Did you know ships fight fire with - - - - fog ????)

 

THE FOOD:

LIDO & ROOM SERVICE: Here the food was hit or miss. Lunch entrees, Asian selections, desserts were quite good. But the basics were often a miss: white rice and pasta sides shouldn't be crunchy; eggs in every form overcooked; toast and garlic bread were always cold; hot dogs from the grill o par with Kwikie-Mart. Room service was not as flexible as Cruise Critic led me to believe. I am also not a great fan of the cafeteria concept, where decent tables are snatched by other passengers like fighting seagulls.

 

MANHATTAN DINING ROOM: Exceeded my expectations on every level – so much so I cancelled other options to spend more time there.

 

CANALETTO: Disappointingly, it was an extension of the Lido's adequate quality, with a nicer atmosphere. I’ll grant extra points for the Limoncello dessert, one of my favorites.

 

PINNACLE: Le Cirque: Circus indeed! It started with anecdotes that the chef was at war with the staff. We were forewarned service was delayed due to an 'unexpected rush of demand'. I just didn't buy that explanation; the entire business model of the restaurant is based on a reserved predetermined seating. The amuse-bouche was a phenomenal fois gras mousse. The soup, also excellent; however, the clever presentation of placing bite sized treats in a bowl and covering it with chowder poured from a teapot was unexplained and so slow we ate half of it before the chowder arrived. To pass the time, staff and other diners approached our table for conversation (see 'The Gay Stuff', below). I counted at least six visits, not bad for not officially knowing anyone. Seated at 8:30, at 10 PM we asked the wine steward if he saw our entree. He looked mortified and it magically arrived 10 seconds later. I'm convinced they forgot us. This prompted a new round of table visits, and lots of apologies. By the following week Pinnacle had redeemed themselves with amazingly oversized steaks. I am rarely out-done by an entree, and Pinnacle did it twice. But again: crunchy rice? In summary: Cirque was not worth the $50 surcharge, and Pinnacle is probably worth the atmosphere and presentation at $20, but the food is on par with the MDR.

 

TAMARIND: My favorite dining experience by far! I would have gladly traded Pinnacle for an extra lunch or dinner there if it wasn’t thoroughly reserved. The only demerit: THEY CANCELLED THE RIJSTAFFEL. I obsessed over that dinner for two years! They claim it was too difficult to get the required 20 persons to order it. If they can sell an evening at Le Cirque, they can certainly sell a Rijstaffel.

 

ENTERTAINMENT/ACTIVITIES:

Favorite Activity: Team Trivia, which really sounds smart when all your team mates sport accents from across the British Empire. It was hosted everyday by Cruise Director Gene and (occasionally) the pencil-thin wife. The theater offerings were amazingly well-produced, if not consistently aimed at the same demographic of 50-65 year olds. It reminded me kind of concert programs PBS shows during pledge season. There was also a meet n' greet of Cruise Critic members, who were treated to a priority Tendering in Santorini by Cruise Director Gene. And the adagio string quartet was always a cocktail hour favorite.

 

THE GAY STUFF:Holland America has been a longtime supporter of the Gay community, both with Gay Cruises and corporate sponsorships. On this Voyage there were at least two (or three) Lesbian & Gay meet n' greets. The first one had a healthy show of at least 20 couples. The lesbians quickly reorganized among themselves and were never heard from again (as they are wont to do).

 

Also interesting; trading stories with other gay couples about meeting the straight, (mostly southern) Country Club Couples. We've come to realize that chatting it up with a legally married same sex couple is just as much part of an exotic vacation experience as buying a carpet at the bazaar. HAL should put us on staff.

 

EXCURSIONS:I still stand by my assertion that if you can do it yourself, Ship Excursions are overpriced. However, our unfamiliarity with the Eastern Mediterranean Ports and uncanny ability to get lost just about everywhere (Venice, Athens, Istanbul, the hallway to our cabin) shook our confidence and we bought a few excursions last minute. The computerized ticket dispensers can be convenient but are confusing (and we both work in an IT department!) Doubly so for the elderly Japanese couple monopolizing it ahead of us, while other kiosks were down or showing an evil Windows 7 interface. Excursions do provide one service: it gets you off the boat quickly. This was extremely useful in passenger-congested Santorini. Recommended: Delos (at Mykonos), and the Mercouri Vineyard (Olympia).

 

OVERALL VIEW / MAIN CRITICISMS:

By biggest gripe: If HAL is going to invest in specialty restaurants and entertainment venues that evoke a sophisticated big-city experience, the need to keep sophisticated hours beyond 9 PM. Considering mid-voyage all specialty reservations were taken, there is room for a few of them to stay open later. It may not have to all venues or all itineraries, but it would have been appropriate on this particular port-intensive cruise, where most days aboard ship began at 5 PM.

 

As a person who can easily stress out with an overambitious itinerary and a useless iPhone giving terrible directions, the ship did an amazing job of relaxing me to the point of stupification. I lost my ability to plan three steps ahead. By day 7 I was on vacation from my vacation. And there is nothing more thrilling to a cruising virgin than the blast of the ships horns during the first sail-out. I would definitely do it again, now that I know what to expect. My first day back at work I felt so lobotomized I forgot my computer password.

[samnewbie]

Hi there,

 

Great review! Thanks for posting.

 

What a long wait for your cruise, I'm glad it went so well for you :D

(mind you we have been waiting since 1st April 2010 to cruise - it cannot come soon enough now)

 

We are sailing on the Nieuw Amsterdam in August and cannot wait!!

 

Your reviews of the speciality dining have been helpful to my planning as I have been toying with the idea of booking Le Cirque but having read yours and another review which wasnt so great either I think we will give it a miss.

We will however book for Tamarind and the Pinnacle (we have two celebration's during our cruise).

Though I agree, it is a shame about the Rijstaffel, that would of been wonderful.

 

Just out of interest how much was the tour of the kitchens please? I bet my daughter would enjoy that.

 

Thanks again for your review, I really enjoyed reading it, just hope we have rice and pasta that is less crunchy when we sail now ;)

 

Sam :)

[Choinski]

 

We will however book for Tamarind and the Pinnacle (we have two celebration's during our cruise).

.....

Just out of interest how much was the tour of the kitchens please? I bet my daughter would enjoy that.

 

 

Do Pinnacle at least once and Tamarind as often as possible - it books up quickly. The Kitchen Tour was free, as it was largely promotional. It isn't guided - They give you a fact sheet to read as you walk along a path.

[Aruba]

Thank you for the detailed, well-written, and very funny review. As a fellow family member, I enjoyed it immensely. I hope you both sail HAL again someday soon because I will look forward to your next review.

[kazu]

Thank you for your review. It was entertaining yet accurate.

 

We sailed on her last year. I share your raves on the Tamarind. we really enjoyed the dinners there.

 

I have never been a Lido fan, just not my style. But we did grab some paninis and take them back to the room and they were very good.

 

Great synopsis - thank you so VERY MUCH for sharing with us.

[johnnyswitzerland]

Awesome review, Tom! Thank you for posting. It was a pleasure to read.

 

My partner and I have also had excellent experiences as gay cruisers on HAL. They do such a nice job of making us feel welcome and organizing gatherings for us... They do just about everything else pretty well too!

 

John

[goldengatecruisers]

That was a great review. We too have had great experiences on HAL - I thoroughly enjoyed reading your perspective and was entertained from start to finish. Thanks for taking the time to put it all down in writing.

 

Ashley

[HALFans]

Thanks for the great review... it was over too soon!

 

Thanks also for NOT including a link to a photo of the penthouse suite hot tub occupant. :eek:

 

Congratulations on your marriage! We didn't take the opportunity to wed in Boston or Canada though. It's not legal here in Arizona yet. We've waited 19 years already; what's another decade? I've already told the other half that he's 'Absolutely, Strictly Forbidden' to die until I can collect his retirement and Social Security benefits like any other grieving spouse in America. :p

 

Welcome to HAL in particular, and cruising in general. May you have many more happy sea adventures to write about.

[K&RCurt]

We've come to realize that chatting it up with a legally married same sex couple is just as much part of an exotic vacation experience as buying a carpet at the bazaar. HAL should put us on staff.

 

 

Hopefully this will become less "exotic" as time passes

 

Thanks for a great review from a different perspective than the norm. I am glad you both enjoyed the cruise.

[Choinski]

 

Thanks also for NOT including a link to a photo of the penthouse suite hot tub occupant. :eek:

 

 

Not all life aboard is pretty.

 

(It put the 'ieuw' in 'Nieuw Amstrerdam')

[DFD1]

Fun review. Great read! Glad you had a good time. Careful, it's addictive.

Many of your readers here are well into their 30th, 40th, or 50th cruise.

[Globaliser]

THE CREW:

CAPTAIN VAN ZAANE: OMG, did you know maritime law requires all ship's captains to be tall, silver haired foxes with sophisticated European accents? All of them must marry actress-models (on the N.A. her name was 'Apollonia') and they are required to use the word 'elegant' in a sentence, over the intercom, once a day. I think this was in response to the Titanic.

Thank you from me too for this review - it was a great read.

 

The name Apollonia jumped out at me. I remember both of them from an excellent cruise on the Amsterdam about ten years ago, and I've always wondered from time to time whether they were still with HAL. It's good to know that there's a chance I might see them again if I end up on the Nieuw Amsterdam later this year.

[baggal]

Thank you for the detailed, well-written, and very funny review. As a fellow family member, I enjoyed it immensely. I hope you both sail HAL again someday soon because I will look forward to your next review.

 

 

O.K. - now I get what "family" means. And to think I used to live in Greenwich Village in NYC!

 

Great review!

[samnewbie]

Do Pinnacle at least once and Tamarind as often as possible - it books up quickly. The Kitchen Tour was free, as it was largely promotional. It isn't guided - They give you a fact sheet to read as you walk along a path.

 

 

Hiya,

 

We will try and book a lunch and a dinner at Tamarind then , possibly 2 lunches ;) and Pinnacle for dinner once.

 

That is interesting about the kitchen tour, will see if daughter fancies that.

 

I am also glad btw that you did not post a photo of the hot tub guy :eek::D ha ha

 

Thanks again for your review and info, it was fun to read.

 

Sam :)

[NancyJewel92]

Tom - Your review was a delight to read and your photos are stunning! Thanks for taking the time to compose and post. :)

[Lesinindy]

Great review and you had me laughing from the first sentence till the end. I grew up with my aunt and her "special friend"(as my very conservative family called her lover) and had noticed a number of GLBT on our last cruise. I think it is great for Holland to make everyone feel welcome. I have to differ on the ship Captains, I keep running into bald ones, but even they seem to use the word elegant in almost every announcement.

[erewhon]

Thanks for your great review.

[Cruising-along]

Loved your humor, loved your photos, loved it all. Thanks for a super review and a fun read. :)

[PrincessNancy]

Thanks for the great review...we'll take your heed about the restaurants. Definitely want to eat in Tamarind. Sounds like we'll have to make our reservations early.

 

Glad you had a wonderful vacation! It was definitely worth the wait.

 

Your pictures are fabulous--love black and white photography! Your photographs set the scene perfectly--Was that Bette Davis on the lounge out on the deck of the aft pool?

[David_Pride]

Great Review! Thank you!:D

[sail7seas]

Thanks for a great review.

Really fun to read. :)

 

[callmedeb]

I am not GLBT, but I usually check out the meet and greets. So much fun to hang out with =) Glad you enjoyed your first cruise!

 

Noordam next for me, but I can't wait to try the Niew!

 

Cheers,

 

Deb

[portofrome]

Thanks for your review.

[Denverbri69]

I have to ask. Did Harvey Fierstein edit your review before you posted it? What a hoot. :D

[John Cruise]

FABULOUS review!

 

You should get cruise critic to pay you to do all

their reviews.

 

I have sailed many cruises with HAL and you nailed it.

 

Thanks,

John