Cruising 11 days after mom's funeral...

[Mel&Ken]

As you can gather from the title, my mom has recently died. She had a brain aneurysm rupture on Dec 23rd and never regained consciousness. Yesterday was her funeral.

 

Throughout the 2 weeks I spent at the hospital I didn't even think of our cruise and when I did, my intent was to cancel it. Now my family and husband have convinced me to take the cruise - and they are right in saying my mother would HATE to know that I cancelled a trip because of her. My mom loved travel and was supposed to go away for 2 weeks the day we got back.

 

It has been a very exhausting 3 weeks and I know the down time will do me some good, I am also well aware that this won't be the cruise we thought it would be.

 

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation - did you feel guilty (as I sometimes do) did you even enjoy it at all, am I going to be a downer for everyone around me? I honestly think I am still in shock at what has happend in the past few weeks and I find it bizarre planning for a trip and not being the least bit excited about it.

 

Words of advice????

Melissa

[Sloop-JohnB]

Hi Mel&Ken,

 

Melissa first my sincerest condolences on your loss...

 

I don't have much to add to your topic... just to say you need to ultimately do whatever is in your heart be it go or stay... only you can decide WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU when it comes to grief, there is NO RIGHT or WRONG (and don't let anyone else tell you there is)

 

Life goes on, and in the end you must as well.

 

Take the time you need to heal, but don't let the grief consume you (have seen that happen to others as well)

 

I am certain your Mother wouldn't want that... and is looking out for you on high... having lost loved ones, I can say that I've often felt in periods of indicision that I've seen a "sign" telling me what to do (and I haven't ever second guessed those... as they just felt sooo right to me)

 

Hope this is (somewhat) helpful,

 

((( HUGS )))

[PatC]

Melissa - I was in your shoes 6 years ago. We were booked in March and my mom passed away on Feb. 12th. It was devastating but I knew she'd be very upset if we didn't go ahead with our plans. Don't feel guilty, think of all the good times you had with her and, as strange as it seems, I actually talked to her a lot, sitting on our veranda. The peace of the ocean helped me tremendously. We didn't do much on the trip but I came back so much better.

 

My mom cruised when she was younger and loved it. I made it a point to remember her stories about cruising with my dad.

 

I miss her so much to this day. The anniversary of her death is coming up in February and it seems like yesterday but I know that she's at peace.

 

Those words aren't very comforting right now and they're always something to say but just know that you might find comfort and peace.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

Pat

[melmar02]

First, I am very sorry for your loss.

 

I agree with the other posts. This cruise will definitely be a different experience for you. However, you could use it as a break from the hectic few weeks you have recently had. I know being a 'long term' visitor in a hospital wasn't easy on you - my mother has leukemia. And the funeral and any other arangements surely took an additional toll. You may need this time away for you to relax from the stress of it all, and it would also be a good chance for you to reflect on some memories.

 

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

[Gonzo70]

Sorry about your loss Melissa,

 

I have not been in that position, so have no firsthand wisdom I can pass on, but the S-Class ships are beautiful vessels and hopefully (assuming you go forward with the cruise) the downtime will help with the healing process. The nice thing about cruises is you can do as little or as much as you feel like doing. Many find being out on the ocean comforting and you will have family with you. As you said it will not be the same experience you had been anticipating prior to your mother's passing, but it may very well end up being therapeutic for you and your family. Ultimately only you can decide what is best for you and your family to get through this difficult time.

 

Again, sorry about your loss.

[Onessa]

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I concur with members of your family who state that your mother would have wanted you to go on with your life, including the planned trip. The nice part about a ship vacation is that you can be as social or non-social as you feel up to being. If you feel that you may not be "good" company, you may want to explain your situation to the head waiter to make certain you are not seated with any strangers during dining.

 

A few years ago, my DH's father who had been in declining health for the prior year passed away unexpectedly while we were on a cruise. His brothers decided to wait until we returned (about two and a half days later) to tell him. We were in Italy and as they figured would not have been able to get back and up north to my DH's family home place much sooner any way. At first it kind of bothered DH but now he realizes it really was a good decision -- the stress of trying to get from Messina back to Rome, and then Rome back to the states, from wherever in the states back to Wisconsin, then up to the northwoods would have been very tramatic to him -- we may not have been able to fly back into the same airport from which we flyed out. Added expense, added stress and he may have gotten home on Monday evening rather than Wednesday morning.

 

You've had a big shock and a lot of stress -- take some time to regroup and if you feel up to it, where better than on a cruise ship where you can do what you want to do, when you want to do it; and you don't have to worry about cooking and cleaning for yourself.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[Ems2]

You have my deepest sympathy Melissa.

 

I still have my mum but my lovely dad died a few years ago so I have some insight into how you are feeling.

 

My advice is to go on your cruise and take your mum with you! You will not be able to avoid those feelings of guilt so allow yourself time to be miserable as long as you also allow yourself time for enjoyment. Don't try and hurry your grief along to protect your family, they will understand.

 

Your cruise won't be the one you planned, but staying at home will probably be even more miserable for you.

 

I hope this helps. x

[siestaclaud]

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. My dad died unexpctedly in May. He was actually on vacation in Florida when he became ill. I was able to get there and be with him for a few days, he had his surgery and then did not survive after. It was devastating. I still feel that initial "punch in the stomach" that I felt immediately after.

 

I have 4 kids, so immediately after I spent the entire summer traveling for baseball and softball with them - no time off. Oldest son was in the middle of being recruited for college baseball. I spent every weekend at a different school, tournament or showcase event with him. As summer wound down in August we had a quiet family vacation in Hilton Head and that is when it really hit me hard. I cried at the drop of a hat. My dad had vacationed with us there a few times and it was sad for me that he was not there. Too many memories. I needed to go somewhere different.

 

We then booked a cruise right before Christmas. It was good tonic. All different places - all new. While he would have loved it there were no direct memories for me of him related to where we were and that helped.

 

I think going with your family will be a good thing. I think it will be good medicine to be taken care of and just relieving stress and relaxing. You will most likely be in a fog and numb to most things, but it would be the same at home. Do what you want to and what you feel like. If you are sad let it out, if you are too tired to go to dinner get room service. Usually there is a chaplain on board if you need someone to talk to that is not your family. My family was a life saver however - they just kept me going.

 

I hope you can find some peace in knowing that your mom would want you to go. You dont have to expect it to be a miraculous trip that will wash your pain away - it won't. Just go, relax, enjoy your family and be together. Hugs,

 

Claudia

[JFontaine]

My sympathies to you as well.

 

You are unlikely to enjoy the cruise in the traditional sense. But having someone take care of you (make your bed, cook, cleanup, etc.) is probably something that you can use right now. So look at this opportunity as a gift to just sit and relax, and to the extent you can, remember the good times and give thanks. And if you are too exhausted or sad for that, just sit in the sun a bit, feel the breeze. All the best to you.

[travelberlin]

As you can gather from the title, my mom has recently died. She had a brain aneurysm rupture on Dec 23rd and never regained consciousness. Yesterday was her funeral.

 

Throughout the 2 weeks I spent at the hospital I didn't even think of our cruise and when I did, my intent was to cancel it. Now my family and husband have convinced me to take the cruise - and they are right in saying my mother would HATE to know that I cancelled a trip because of her. My mom loved travel and was supposed to go away for 2 weeks the day we got back.

 

It has been a very exhausting 3 weeks and I know the down time will do me some good, I am also well aware that this won't be the cruise we thought it would be.

 

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation - did you feel guilty (as I sometimes do) did you even enjoy it at all, am I going to be a downer for everyone around me? I honestly think I am still in shock at what has happend in the past few weeks and I find it bizarre planning for a trip and not being the least bit excited about it.

 

Words of advice????

Melissa

I was on a similar situation last year. My only sister died while I was in a cruise. I could not do anything because my sister was already buried at the time I got the news. I have continued muy cruise, but believe it was not fun. I was not able to enjoy it anymore.

[Mel&Ken]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate the perspectives you have offered. It will just be my husband and I on the cruise - it's my mom's two sisters here back home that are insisting I go. My husband Ken will be MORE than supportive if one night I feel like staying in or not up for doing much. He has been here for me every step of the way.

 

I love the idea of just sitting on the balcony and thinking about my mom - reflecting on the 40 years I got with her and how lucky I have been. Being an only child there has been so much to take care of and I really haven't had much quiet time to reflect.

 

Thanks again for helping me see this cruise as being a good thing for me and not just a guilty pleasure. It has helped a lot.

 

Melissa

[Wait&SeeMom]

I don't really have much to add to what the others have said Melissa, but I just wanted to add my condolences to you for your loss. I pray that you will allow yourself to feel sad when you are sad, and excited about your trip when you are excited, and happy when you are on the cruise & having fun. You should not feel guilty about the cruise. It's ok to cry & it's ok to laugh. Listen to your heart ♥. I have just said a little prayer for you, that God will give you peace & comfort during this difficult time!

[lovey1103]

Go darling, she would want you to.

Something similiar happened in our family when my young sister-in-law had a blood clot in her brain. My husband had planned a trip to Montana and went even though she was in a coma at the time and died 2 days later.

DH has no regretsand either should you.

[dkjretired]

Sincere condolences on your mothers death, I am reminded of great times today since my father passed away 17 yrs. ago today...Always remember those good times.

 

I was in a similiar situation in 2003, my nephew a Vermont State Trooper was killed in the line of duty on Fathers day in June. I was very close to him and as you can understand it was a terrible blow. We had a cruise scheduled for two weeks afterwards on the Galaxy as it was a celebration for my son's High School Graduation. I contemplated cancelling however finally decided we had to go since it was a gift to my son. We just did what we would normally do on a cruise, shore excursions, swimming, relaxing around the pool. We were all a little subdued but in a way the cruise was good for us and that was good for us at the time...

[jacketwatch]

As you can gather from the title, my mom has recently died. She had a brain aneurysm rupture on Dec 23rd and never regained consciousness. Yesterday was her funeral.

 

Throughout the 2 weeks I spent at the hospital I didn't even think of our cruise and when I did, my intent was to cancel it. Now my family and husband have convinced me to take the cruise - and they are right in saying my mother would HATE to know that I cancelled a trip because of her. My mom loved travel and was supposed to go away for 2 weeks the day we got back.

 

It has been a very exhausting 3 weeks and I know the down time will do me some good, I am also well aware that this won't be the cruise we thought it would be.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation - did you feel guilty (as I sometimes do) did you even enjoy it at all, am I going to be a downer for everyone around me? I honestly think I am still in shock at what has happend in the past few weeks and I find it bizarre planning for a trip and not being the least bit excited about it.

 

Words of advice????

Melissa

First of all I am sorry for your loss. We just lost a friend suddenly last week so though I haven't been in your situation the feeling is sort of fresh.

I think its up to you to decide if its the right time. As we are usually excited about a trip anf you understandibly at this point don't feel that way its either you go and have fun or wait until it feels like th right time. Good luck with your decision.

[4774Papa]

Hi Mel&Ken,

 

Melissa first my sincerest condolences on your loss...

 

I don't have much to add to your topic... just to say you need to ultimately do whatever is in your heart be it go or stay... only you can decide WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU when it comes to grief, there is NO RIGHT or WRONG (and don't let anyone else tell you there is)

 

Life goes on, and in the end you must as well.

 

Take the time you need to heal, but don't let the grief consume you (have seen that happen to others as well)

 

I am certain your Mother wouldn't want that... and is looking out for you on high... having lost loved ones, I can say that I've often felt in periods of indicision that I've seen a "sign" telling me what to do (and I haven't ever second guessed those... as they just felt sooo right to me)

 

Hope this is (somewhat) helpful,

 

((( HUGS )))

Great answer

[subtchr]

Wow, Melissa, I can definitely relate. Here is what I wrote in my review of our December cruise:

 

Even though this cruise had been planned for many months, the timing of it was better than I ever could have imagined. We had a busy fall - Bruce had started a new job, and I escort group travel trips, mostly high school bands and choirs, so marching band season keeps me on the road. In fact, I had escorted a great group to NYC for the Macy's parade over Thanksgiving.

 

In the weeks between that trip and the cruise, my dad, who had been in failing health for several months, took a turn for the worse. I am one of seven siblings, so we were able to provide care for him in his home with the help of hospice during those weeks. He passed away the Tuesday before our trip, so that week was a whirlwind of arranging details and family time.

 

Every cruise to us is therapy, a chance to get away from the realities of every day living, to recharge and relax and be pampered. Besides the beautiful ships and amazing service, there is something about being on the water that is elemental, that allows one to feel tranquility. At least it does for me. So I spent a lot of time on the balcony or elsewhere on the ship just watching the water, thinking of my dad. Don't get me wrong, I also had a great time laughing with my husband and some new friends, and we had some great shore excursions, as you will see if you stick with me. But there was some healing going on as well.

 

So my dad passed away on Tuesday, we had the funeral Friday, and we flew to FL for the cruise Saturday evening. Yes, it was a time of raw emotions, but after having been home from the cruise now for a month, getting through the holidays, and really starting to sort through my parents' home (my mother passed away in 2008), I can confirm that going on the cruise was the best thing I could have done, from an emotional standpoint. Grieving is such a personal process, no one can decide for you, but it was an invaluable "step away" for us.

 

Best wishes to you. Please let us know after your trip how it went.

[Tiggertastic]

Very sorry to hear about your recent loss

 

A friend from work had a bereavement and her trip was booked a week after - she even had palpitations worrying about going but she did. She was worried about having time to herself quiet and then think about it

 

She swears it was the best thing she did, she got to relax, read and ate and drank too much but she said she feels it was the best thing for her and was glad

 

Last summer, the night before our cruise on the Eclipse, my mother in law had a stroke - we had the bags in the car and whilst at the hospital we were convinced the trip was off

 

The Dr's told us to go - nothing they could do - we found it hard to relax but only because every day we phoned the hospital and was on standby to pack to leave - you don't have this issue

 

Go and relax

[angel 77]

Hi Melissa,

So sorry for your loss, I lost my father more than 20 years ago and know all too well how hard it is to lose a parent. I cruised in October, after much hesitation, and a very difficult year of losing my best friend, my brother and then my dog about a week before the trip. I too, was unsure of whether to go or not, and even the stress of what to pack was becoming too much . I felt I could not handle any more. People convinced me too that it would be "good to get away", so I did. I have to say that maybe it was good to get away from the everyday, but certainly not a trip I enjoyed. So if you decide to go, don't expect it to be the most wonderful vacation ever, it probably won't be, but maybe some time away and a distraction from the memories at home will be good for you. My advice is don't expect anything, just go with it...cry all day if you want and don't feel bad for crying on vacation when you're supposed to be happy. I remember being on HAL's Half Moon Cay, probably the most beautiful place in the world imo, but all I did that day (behind my shades of course) was cry, and I felt terrible that I was on this beautiful beach where I should be happy, yet I was so sad. It's ok, whatever you do, just don't have any preconceived notion of what "it should be like", this is not a "normal vacation for you.

May peace be yours in the days to come!

[Karynanne]

My sincere condolences to you.

 

No matter where you are and wherever you go, you Mom will be with you in your heart. We all heal in different ways. Spending time with your family in a peaceful environment will be helpful. You'll always remember this cruise for this special time.

[KeywestK]

My heartfelt condolences Melissa on the recent loss of your Mother.

 

My mother was in a similar situation several years ago when my father died very suddenly. It was a shocking and devastating loss for her, and for the family, of course. Two weeks after his funeral, she was supposed to leave for their annual month-long summer rental at the ocean, and she decided to cancel it. My sister and I talked her into going, reminding her that it would be the perfect environment to continue the grieving process and to start to heal. It turned out to be the best decision, and she found great peace, time to think, spend quiet time with friends, and by the time she came home she was feeling so much better.

 

Certainly you should do what feels right for you, but I'm a big believer that life does go on, and my guess is that your mother would want you to take your vacation. Just let your heart guide you, and you'll be fine. Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing.

[fleckle]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate the perspectives you have offered. It will just be my husband and I on the cruise - it's my mom's two sisters here back home that are insisting I go. My husband Ken will be MORE than supportive if one night I feel like staying in or not up for doing much. He has been here for me every step of the way.

 

I love the idea of just sitting on the balcony and thinking about my mom - reflecting on the 40 years I got with her and how lucky I have been. Being an only child there has been so much to take care of and I really haven't had much quiet time to reflect.

Meslissa, if you weigh the benefits of staying at home vs. going on the cruise, I think it will be obvious that the cruise would be the better choice. It is not though you could do anything that would benefit your mother by staying at home.

 

Granted, it will take time to heal and you will experience sadness either way. But there is something very therapeutic about being at sea, just the peacefulness looking out at the ocean and up at the sky, watching the changing cloud formations, the sunrises and sunsets.

 

On the cruise you will be pampered and taken care of at this difficult time in your life when you can really use some pampering. It will provide you a respite from needing to cope with the problems and decisions and chores of everyday life for a little while. There will be time enough to deal with all that after you return home.

 

If you just ask yourself what the advantages would be of not going, I think you will have your answer.

 

[BKFlowerMound]

I too am so sorry about your loss. I lost my mother 12 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. The acute pain fades over time, but the loss will always be there. Just remember how sad it would be if you didn't feel pain and a sense of loss from her passing.

 

Two years ago, we lost my FIL two weeks before our cruise. He was supposed to go along with my wife's sister and her family. My MIL wouldn't let us cancel because she said that my FIL would be mad if we did something like that. The change of scenery did us good. I did have a glass of Bourbon (his drink) in his honor every night and thanked God for putting that wonderful man on this earth.

 

It won't be the cruise that you expect, but go without guilt. It'll do you good.

[Northern Aurora]

Dear Melissa:

 

My father died December 4,2010. While he had been in declining health for a number of years and his death in one sense was not a surprise, it is a very difficult experience. It was much more difficult that I had anticipated. You have my deepest sympathy.

 

While I have never cruised while in grief, I have always feel very taken care of while on a cruise. You really do feel pampered. At least for me, being on a cruise would be the best place for me.

 

And remember, if you don't feel like going out to dinner, just call for room service.

[bbappel]

As you can gather from the title, my mom has recently died. She had a brain aneurysm rupture on Dec 23rd and never regained consciousness. Yesterday was her funeral.

 

Throughout the 2 weeks I spent at the hospital I didn't even think of our cruise and when I did, my intent was to cancel it. Now my family and husband have convinced me to take the cruise - and they are right in saying my mother would HATE to know that I cancelled a trip because of her. My mom loved travel and was supposed to go away for 2 weeks the day we got back.

 

It has been a very exhausting 3 weeks and I know the down time will do me some good, I am also well aware that this won't be the cruise we thought it would be.

 

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation - did you feel guilty (as I sometimes do) did you even enjoy it at all, am I going to be a downer for everyone around me? I honestly think I am still in shock at what has happend in the past few weeks and I find it bizarre planning for a trip and not being the least bit excited about it.

 

Words of advice????

Melissa

 

Melissa, I'm sad for you - but as a mother, I know with every fiber of my being that I would want my child to go and have as great a time as possible. I didn't read all the other posts so I may be repeating what others have said, but I hope you won't mind the reinforcement. You did what needed to be done when it needed to be done. Perhaps you could have a little ceremony to memorialize your mother - a private one - maybe you could toast her with her favorite libation - or buy yourself something in one of the ports that is your "gift from your mother." You should have no guilt - that is what putting in the time in the hospital earned you - release from guilt. In a similar situation, I found I wasn't as able to fully participate in the events (ours wasn't a cruise, but a family celebration), I had moments of disengagement, but the time away was a big step toward healing. Instead of spending lots of time with everyone, I spend time pondering, but it was a positive thing to be away from the every day responsibilities of home, to have someone else responsible for making the beds, and cooking the meals and cleaning up. It was a good way to honor the one who passed. If you want more on this, e-mail me at ebappel at gmail dot com, because I am not comfortable sharing the details in this open forum. There are lots of web sites that have "ways to memorialize" someone, and I'm sure you will find one that resonates with you. I don't know what is beyond this life, but I do know that those we love live in our hearts forever.

 

I hope the CC family has given you enough support that you can go with a free heart.