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Three contractors decide to bid on a job to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then does some calculations on a piece of paper. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. 

 

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A drunk walks into a bar and yells "Everybody on the left side of the room are jerks and everybody on the right side of the room are idiots."

A big guy, maybe 6'6" and 280 gets up and says 'I'm not a jerk!" The drunk says "okay, you can go over to the other side of the room."

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Thanks so much to everyone.

It's an “interesting” world we live in at the moment.

There's a lot of funny material out there, please keep sharing. 😊

I'm very grateful for the laughs.

Edited by C-Dragons
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28 minutes ago, C-Dragons said:

Thanks so much to everyone.

It's an “interesting” world we live in at the moment.

There's a lot of funny material out there, please keep sharing. 😊

I'm very grateful for the laughs.

And thank you for starting the thread and passing the microphone along...🎤

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7 minutes ago, davekathy said:

And thank you for starting the thread and passing the microphone along...🎤

Without actually touching the microphone!

 

I am perpetually grossed out by how many leaders and health officials grabbing and adjusting microphones, even the spongy part designed to absorb spit, during press conferences. 

 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled joke thread.

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Just now, MamaFej said:

I am perpetually grossed out by how many leaders and health officials grabbing and adjusting microphones, even the spongy part designed to absorb spit, during press conferences. 

...and a Jazz basketball player. :classic_rolleyes:

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1 minute ago, davekathy said:

...and a Jazz basketball player. :classic_rolleyes:

True.

To his credit, he did make a video apologizing for that. 

 

I was referring to the people telling us us to keep our hands clean and to practice social distancing, of course. It seems they might want to set a good example. Of course, we all do many things automatically, and it's easy to second guess folks from our vantage points.

 

Be well.

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A ship was denied port for weeks just off the coast.  One day the crew found a bottle floating in the sea.   They fished it out and took it to the captain.  The captain opened the bottle and a Genie popped out!

Genie announced, " You freed me!  I will grant you 3 wishes!"

Captain said, "This is not right.  I am the captain of the ship, the passengers and crew should come first!"

Genie, "Alright, instead, I will grant everyone on the ship 1 wish."

So one by one, the crew and passengers all told the Genie, "I wish to go home."

Genie said to each one, "Done!" and each person instantly teleported back to their homes.

So at last, the Genie turned to the Captain and asked, "And now your wish?"

Captain said, "I am the Captain.  I stay with the ship.  But a Captain is not really a Captain without his crew and passengers..."

Genie said, "Done!"

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A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were out in a boat together when a huge wave came along and washed them all overboard.

Unable to get back into the boat, they decided that two of them would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help. Suddenly they noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.

Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks moved aside to let him pass. The dentist yelled, “It’s a miracle!”

“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!” 😉

 

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George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

 

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it be ?

Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door.

As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels.

As he says Hi,

she replies - Are you George ?

He says- Yes, I am.

She says - I am from SuperSex.

George pauses for a minute.

And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.

 

Edited by Prost Seattle
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Try these tweets about COVID-19!:

 

- in an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out

 

- how many calories are you guys burning per day? for me it’s 6

 

- we are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions

 

- Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.

 

- I slept 14 hours last night and am absolutely locked and loaded for a big day of hand washing and looking out the window

 

Den

 

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39 minutes ago, hcat said:

Great thread...other than the  lawyer joke!

 

 

What?  I liked all of them.

Keep them coming.  We all need a laugh right now.

And to go outside by myself.  Thankfully Spring is coming!

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